PixieGirl

I feel totally lame admitting this but I went back to my AH. He is not currently drinking and says he wants to work on all of these things, go to treatment, do counselling etc. And maybe it's true but I already feel like I made a mistake in going back. Not that much has happened - we're trying to communicate but it's like it's just not in me anymore. I feel so trapped, like I just don't have the desire at all to work on it. But I keep feeling bad about that, like I should want to go to counselling and save this. I don't know, it's just not clear to me what I really need to do. He seems sincere in saying he wants to get help for himself and for us. I feel like I have no trust in him left at all. I get the desire to run for the hills...fast! I don't know what I'm asking at all, it's like I wish someone could just tell me what to do and how to do it.

suki44883

You are not trapped. You can leave anytime you want, but you need to figure out what it is you truly want. Until you do that, you're never going to be satisfied.

Hanna

You aren't lame, PixieGirl. This isn't easy stuff. We could tell you what to do, but it doesn't work that way - you know your situation better than we ever can, and you have to enjoy the consequences for your actions, therefore are in the best position to make these choices. Please be gentle with yourself. There's a reason you went back, even if it's just a lesson. I stayed for a while with someone that wasn't good for me, knowing it would come to an end. I stayed because I had to exhaust all avenues before throwing in the towel - because I knew what I could live with in terms of my own actions and I wasn't at a place where I felt giving up was the right thing to do, even if it made no sense to anyone else. When I left, I never looked back. I have no regrets about my behavior, I was fair and loving to him and gave him every chance to have a good life with me. He can't say the same and be honest with himself. I wouldn't do things the same way if a similar situation came along but at that time it was what was right for me.

NYCDoglvr

I did the same thing, returned to a bad relationship to see my life get much worse. In hindsight, I think I had to teach myself a lesson. The experience was hitting bottom. The good news was I could admit a mistake and leave ... for the last time. You can too! But be gentle on yourself.........

PixieGirl

Thanks everyone. I almost didn't post because I was embaressed I went back. Does anyone have advice/experiences with dry drunks/sober alcholics? I don't know what to call him - he's not drinking, but as of yet has not entered any program. I don't know how to deal with him like this, I was very used to dealing with the drunk!

suki44883

Not knowing the guy, I can't say for sure, but the phrase, wring the alcohol out of an asshat and you're left with an asshat comes to mind.

Thumper

I agree with everyone else's wise words and will just add that it is OK to make mistakes, change your mind, and to give yourself permission to meet your own needs. You can make decisions that are soley in your best interest even if it isn't what someone else wants. If this man did all the right things and then some, it is still OK to say you are just done. Give yourself permission to make any choice at all and it may help to clear the confusion.

Search and discover what it is your heart really wants and then go from there.

Willybluedog

Pixiegirl,

I went to a marriage counselor when my firs marriage hit the rocks, the first thing she said to us was, "I am not here to help you save your marriage, I am here to help you come to a decision about whether or not to stay together and if you do split up, how to make it as painless as possible.

Most of us have made decisions that we look back upon and say "what was I thinking".

I stayed with a woman who was physically and verbally abusive and a cheater. Why did I give it so many years, why did I go back, with the gift of time and distance I realize that 99% had to do with my low self-esteem from being raised in an home with a physically abusive father, and a verbally abusive alcoholic mother.

Please do not be too hard on yourself, if you need a shoulder, a hug or some propping up I will be here for you.

Please consider counseling, therapy and treatment for depression literally saved my life.

Best of luck to you.

Bill

Hanna

I'm glad you posted. Feelings of shame, like all feelings, have a purpose in our lives but we have to try and understand the purpose and use the feelings productively rather than letting them inhibit us from taking action. So I hope you won't wallow in it, but explore it and figure out why it has come. Please don't ever hesitate to share here, no matter what it is in your life you feel you aren't doing quite right. You'll find so many here can share your experiences and understand your actions. You aren't alone.

MsGrace

I lived for 6 years with a dry drunk...and yep, he didn't stay dry. Prior to relapse, it was still all the alcoholic stuff: VERY thin skinned, VERY defensive...health problems: high maintenance! If he'd never used again, I would have put up with that stuff. I'm no expert, and now having been through it all...I'd have to give the odds of an alcoholic who won't do the work VERY poor odds of not relapsing. So what does that mean for your life???? Biding your time till it goes from difficult to crisis to chaos???

djayr

You don't have to feel lame, I'm sure there are a lot of good reasons for giving it another chance. I got a legal separation rather than a divorce and I am even trying to share a home with my AW, and she is drinking! It's because of the good that I know is in her, her good intentions, and just plain love.

I wonder if I am an idiot too, especially reading this forum. But each case is different, and in the end, we try to follow our hearts to make sensible decisions.

I love AW. Her drinking makes me insane. But even during extended periods of sobriety, she was needy and difficult in a different way. I guess the longer I live, the less I seem to understand.

But don't feel guilty, life is just too short for that. Good luck!

choublak

Just keep in mind that he's talking but not acting.

PixieGirl

I have been really noticing this - he said all these things sincerely that I believed but have yet to see any action. I think this has been a good learning experience for me for our relationship.

Cyranoak

...even when I'm not sincere. I do it at work with my boss and a co-worker every single day, and I used to do it to my alcoholic wife.

Words are meaningless. Actions are everything which it appears you are getting a handle on. I would argue you have hundreds of actions on which to base your decisions, but that you are ignoring them in favor of words and promises. Big mistake. Big, big, mistake.

I believe this because I made this same mistake so many times I became embarrassed and humiliated by my inability to act on what I knew instead of what I felt. It is only when I started acting on what I knew and NOT on what I felt that my life began to improve. Alanon helped me do this.

Take care,

Cyranoak

bless5

Please be gentle with youself. This is a hard journey. Only you can know what is right for you for today, not forever, just today.

Here is a little of my story. I hope it helps in some small way. I am with my RAH who has been sober for 3 years. He was a completely functional A who never missed a day of work, but drank every day and by evening was annoying and obnixious. I was embarressed to go in public with him because of his obnoxious behavior and I was tired of dreading coming home each night and never having a social life. He never thought he had a problem, and he just thought I was a prude!

I was so ready to leave the marriage and told him he had to quit drinking, I was not happy and I was going to be happy with him or without him. I never mentions the word alcoholic or AA. Just told him he had a problem with alcohol and I wasn't going to be part of that life any more and wasn't going to have one more fight about alcohol again. I gave him an ulimatium 4 years ago, I thought he quit, but eventually knew he was sneaking but i couldn't prove anything.

He was unaware that I was finacially stable (been stashing cash for a few years to support my new life) and he thought I would stay for his financial support. I want and bought a car without his knowledge, and paid cash. He was shocked!!! I think what made him stop was that he finally saw that I was building a life without him - and I was. He finally confessed that he was drinking, had never completely quit and now that he had tried to quit, he couldn't. He called AA and started attending meetings.

I told him that it was a good thing he confessed because if I would have found out, my next call was to my attorney and he would be packing his bags; and the next time he drank, I would file for divorce. I have to say I had mixed emotions when he confessed. I was so ready to bail out, and told him that. It was alot of hard work to rebuild our marriage, and we are still working on it. The first year was the hardest by far but we are in a far better place than we have been for years!!!

THe main thing is you have to know what YOU want for YOUR life. He may be part of it, or he may not. Set some boundaries & expectations for him and for you and stick to them. Actions do speak louder than words for both you and the alcoholic. If you say "I need you to go to AA or rehab or counseling (or whatever), or I'm going to do _____________." Stick to it and you may not have to make any more "decisions". They may be made for you by his actions (or lack there of). And just because he is sober, does not mean the marriage can be saved. Only you can know that.

"The Courage to Change" is a book that changed my life! It helped me to focus on me, my life and my recovery. Please try Al-Anon meetings also ~ So much support and understanding!

TakingCharge999

Hugs,

I have started thinking about MY needs. Funny it took almost 30 years

List your needs.. really ,list them. For instance I have the following need for friendship and romance:

- the person asks how I am doing.

I was shocked when I discover almost NO ONE in my close "circle" filled this need. It was always about THEM!



Perhaps this exercise helps, what do YOU need ? and who or how will you fulfil it ? this exercise has helped me to stop going to the HW store for bread.

PixieGirl

Update - I left a few days ago...and this time for good. I have been re-reading 'Too Good to leave, too bad to stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum (I read it a couple years ago) and it's been so helpful in giving myself permission to do what I really feel is right and not what I 'should' do...which seems to be one of my biggest codie traps! I like what Anvilhead said about making a decision for myself and committing to it. I realize I've given so much more to AH than I've even given to myself. So now I'm starting! I'm feeling more peaceful...it's nice.

bless5

So glad you are comfortable with your decision and are moving forward. Please stay Strong! You deserve happiness and peace. Stay focused on YOU. He's not going to be happy about it and will give you a hard time I'm sure, but was he happy before? Probably not, as most alcoholics are a pretty unhappy bunch.

This is the beginning of a new life for you of peace and joy!

jessiec

Way to take care of yourself and focusing on your needs! Wishing the best for you!