kla

Not even sure where to begin; so hungover right now it's hard to type. In 2011, my new years resolution was to get drunk 5 times during the year. And i did it. That's pretty good for me. In my 20's I probably got drunk five times a week, in my thirties five times per month, and started my fourties with five times a year.

Funny thing is, in my 20's, I really enjoyed myself -nothing seemed more fun than going on a 3 day bender with a large group of friends. And when it was time to go to work Monday morning, there were no regrets on my part. Then it changed; my 30th birthday was the first time i woke up the next day and really hated myself for the things I did and said the night before; it was 1 years ago, and I still have anxiety attacks when I think about it. But for the next ten years, that was a pretty rare occurance; of the 600 or so times I drank, there are only a half dozen I wish I could do over.

Now it pretty much happens every time I set foot in a bar. I spent most of 2009, 2010, and 2011 utterly embarrsed about how I acted on New Years day; and here I am again, not how I wanted to start 2012.

Anna

Yeah, alcoholism is a progressive disease and no matter how we try to control it, it gets worse. And, I think the physical symptoms get worse as we get older, too.

Are you ready to stop drinking? If you are, we have lots of support to offer.

suki44883

2012 can be a better year, but it isn't going to just magically happen. You have to make it happen. Are you ready to quit drinking for good and live a sober life? If you are, you have to be willing to do whatever is necessary. You can start by vowing not to drink no matter what. Then you need to find some support. There are many programs out there that can help you, but it comes down to you being willing to do the work.

Today can be the start of a new life and I hope you will grab on with both hands. We're here to support you.

doggonecarl

Welcome back.

So is your goal for 2012 to quit drinking? Or try to control your drinking. I hope you'll give some thought to quiting for good. We don't get do-overs in this life. So regrets there are no getting over. Hope that ends for you this year.

kla

I know this probably sounds stupid, but i honestly don't know if I've hit the point yet where I can say I want to quit drinking 100%, I must be headed there though, because after almost three years as a 'lurker' I finally got around to posting. While there were those 5 nights i drank myself into a coma last year, there were also 10-15 times I had three or four beers with my wife, neighbors, co-workers that i did enjoy. I see where this is headed though. my kids are just starting school; they've never seen me drunk. but man if a day at the beach with my family and 4 beers ever turns into a 20 beer blackout, I don't know what I would do. while i've controlled it so far, you would think the fear would be enough to get me to be done with it - i guess i just don't know how to get there from here.

kla

and much, much thanks everyone who has replied; it really is nice to have somebody to have this 'discussion' with.

SoCalDude

You're exactly right. I'm dealing with a wife who had an alcoholic father that would black out a lot.. it really damaged her, even though he passed about 3 years ago, she still goes to therapy for the chaos in her childhood.. Be careful, young minds are easily tarnished with a single memory.. you have to make each decision the most important decision you can, for your family.

doggonecarl

If you have to control it, it's already out of control.

suki44883

I think most of us can understand how you are feeling. I think it's safe to say that almost none of us wanted to quit drinking 100%. We just wanted to be able to drink like normal people. Have one or two and be satisfied. Unfortunately, for most of us, that just was not possible.

You don't have to wait to see how bad it can get before you decide that you should stop drinking altogether. All it takes is one second for everything to go to hell. One split second can forever change your life and the lives of those you love. It's human nature to believe that those things happen to other people, but trust me, they can happen to you just as easily.

raindancer11

Welcome. As you described, there is this Russian Roulette aspect of alcohol that I didn't see for a long time. I had to stop caring what my addiction wanted and start focusing on creating an environment, both mentally and physically, for sobriety to flourish.

Itchy

Welcome to SR! We really do care as we have all been there. I have not seen a single person quit who wasn't 100% committed to quitting. I have neither seen nor met one who came back from a history of not being able to stop after one or five drinks and moderate/control their drinking.

I also have not seen anybody convince a drunk, who doesn't want it with everything they have and then some, to want to quit deep down where it counts. No one could convince me until I convinced myself. I was drinking two to three or four drinks an hour from the time I woke up until bed and never stumbled, drove drunk, or got slurry in my speech. I never had a blackout. I never lost a job or a marriage because of it. I raised two great boys who are now in their late 30's before I became a drunk later in life.

I really did control my drinking by slowing down when my buzz became a bit too high and I felt like I was losing control. So I retired again to go full-time drinking when I wanted. But at the end I realized that doesn't work either. My tolerance became so extreme that I was drinking a steady 30-40 units a day before I finally decided deep down to quit. I couldn't. Not until I decided to tell my doc, and family how bad it was. After trying alone for a year and never getting one day sober I decided to detox in a hospital and get a head start and never looked back. That was a year and three months ago.

For maintenance and support locally I used AA counseling and some rehab. Online here at SR daily.

You came to the right place for support in quitting drinking. But I am at a loss here. I don't know what you want, but you already said you don't want to quit drinking yet. I can empathize with the withdrawals and help with telling what worked for me and other possibilities for people trying to get and stay sober.

I guess all I can say is I hope you stop now, when all you need is glasses.

Some people will think my analogy crude or inappropriate. The analogy is perfect, because you see alcoholics/problem drinkers/drunks/bingers/self medicators, whatever label one chooses, are all blind already to what future is in store drinking. That being there is none. For those who do wait, it always ends the same. Slowly, but surely.

I guess it all boils down to this. If we can't quit when it is easy, how can we quit when it is hard? If it is hard to quit and stay quit, then isn't it time to quit?

kla

I can understand you saying you don't know what I want, because I don't think I know. Not exactly true, I want to be the person I was 15 years ago, who never acted like an ass because of alcohol - but just from all the reading I've done here, I know in my head that isn't going to happen, yet I keep trying.

Dee74

welcome back kla

I wanted that too - I wanted to be the person I was again in my late teens early 20s who who could take or leave alcohol - but I had 20 years on drinking on me now.

Like Anna said, alcoholism is progressive - it changes us.

Every drink I took - whether it was 5 drinks or 500...1 night or 300 nights...every drink continued to contribute to that changing process and keep me in the cycle.

I really hope you'll consider leaving alcohol behind for good this year.
I haven't regretted my decision kla

D

Dee74

Double post.

kla

that's an interesting statement, and something I didn't consider.

When I was boasting earlier that I haven't gotten trashed in front of my family, I think I was missing an important point; instead of spending new years with them, and the day after doing fun stuff - I didn't see them on new years; and now they are downstairs doing homework, having dinner, and I haven't moved out of bed yet today; so there is an impact that I didn't admit to myself into right now. I don't know yet about forever; but I did cancel my plans to go out this evening to watch the Rose Bowl, and did they same for next weekends plans.

Does it suck as bad as I think it's going to, to never see my friends anymore?

Dee74

I had to drop a few pushy types, and a lot of friends moved off when I stopped drinking...but I think our only real common interest was drinking anyway.

The friends who stayed, supported my decision.

Did it suck? not really.

I remembered the person I used to be when I got sober - I found new interests and new friends and hooked back up with a lot of old friends I'd drifted away from because I drank so much.

Noone would stay sober if they lost out on the deal kla

D

Itchy

If they are friends you will see them again and they won't drink or harass you. If they are just drinking buddies they will no longer be fun for YOU! Lots of folks drink because it makes their boring lives seem exciting. Because they are boring themselves. (Both ways - boring themselves, and boring, themselves.) I would rather be a peaceful and healthy boring person that is not in pain, than be a sick and hungover boring drunk who is even more boring and ridiculous when I drink.

Actually I am a boring person, just not to me or my family and long time friends of 10-40 years, even two college buddies who remain lifelong friends.

Boring is OK. And if not for you, you can become interesting. How? Simple. People are only as interesting, as they are interested.