Scared, Hurt and Confused... Desperate for Advice

Old 01-02-2012, 08:12 AM
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Scared, Hurt and Confused... Desperate for Advice

My fiance and I dated 11 years ago, at which time he was an alcoholic, after a year he disappeared. 3 years later he came back, told me he had been to rehab, missed me and wanted to be with me. A month later he disappeared again. Last November, after almost 7 years of him being out of my life, he found me. His drinking got so bad after the last time he left that he was in the hospital on his death bed. He got sober and joined the military. He had been sober since and his career was excelling. When he first came back I told him that it would never work for us, in spite of the fact that I still had feelings for him. He was 800 miles away, going through a divorce and in the military. I was a working single mom who couldnt imagine leaving her hometown to become a military wife. He never gave up on me. We both realized that we still cared deeply for one another and wanted to be a part of each others lives. He has taken leave and visited frequently and we skype almost everyday. My very young daughter has become extremely attached and even calls him "Daddy." (Her birth father hasn't been around in over a year due to his own substance abuse problems). We have made plans to get married in February and my daughter and I are to relocate to be with him in March. All the while under the impression that he is sober. During his last leave (4 months ago) I found several empty liquor bottles and confronted him. He admitted that he had been drinking again, hated it and wanted to stop. He suffers from extreme anxiety and will not let the military know for fear of demotion or dismissal. He made a mistake of marrying too soon and was miserable within the first month. These factors led him back to drinking. He came home for the holidays and I found more bottles in his suitcase and confronted him again. Come to find out he has been drinking the entire time he has been back in my life and lying to my face about it. Alcoholics are fantastic liars. There was one bottle that was almost full and he said that we would keep it out so I could see how much he was drinking. It was a start. Then yesterday, after he left to go back to his duty station, I found several more empty bottles in my outside trash. I confronted him, once again, and he admitted that he had drank those since our confrontation the other night. Needless to say I am beyond hurt. He hates drinking, I can see the disgust and pain in his face when he talks about it. He is fully aware of what it is doing to his body and what he will lose if this path continues again. He has promised to do whatever he has to do to quit because he does not want to lose me and my daughter. He is so good to us and treats us both better than we could ever imagine. We are best friends. I am torn and at a crossroads. I know that no amount of love or support can help someone if they don't want to help themselves. My daughter and I are suppose to move in 3 months. I don't know what to do. I have cried countless tears since yesterday and prayed as hard as I can. Any advice or words of wisdom will be appreciated.
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Old 01-02-2012, 08:23 AM
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Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Please take the time to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a wealth of information there.

I'm sorry you are back on the crazy train with this guy. It sounds to me like he just is not ready to stop drinking, no matter what he is telling you. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are those of an active alcoholic.

I hope you will consider what life with an active alcoholic would mean for you and your daughter. No child should be forced to live with active addiction. We have a forum for adult children of alcoholics that you can read to see what growing up in a home with an alcoholic can do to a child. It isn't pretty.

Again, welcome to SR. There are a lot of supportive people here who understand what you are going through. Please read and post often. It will help.
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Old 01-02-2012, 08:35 AM
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WOW, am77, I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

If it were me I would not be moving anywhere with him at this time.

No trust = no relationship. Way to many lies coming out of his mouth.

Pay attention to his actions, his words are meaningless.

You and your child have made a good life for yourself, no point throwing away your current stability for an active alcoholic. You and your child deserve better.

In reading your post I can't help wonder if he really truly ever quit drinking. Please take the time to educate yourself regarding the disease of alcoholism. The stickies at the top of the page are a real eye opener. Keep reading and posting, you are not alone.

More is going to be revealed.........
Take care of you.........
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Old 01-02-2012, 08:41 AM
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speaking from experience, IMHO the absolute worst thing you could do to your daughter and yourself is immerse her in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Don't fool yourself. Do what is right for your child. God bless him, he is not in control of his life, he is not sober, and he is not in recovery. He will ruin her life, and anybody who helps him do so will have as well.

I'm so sorry.

Cyranoak
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Old 01-02-2012, 08:57 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you are here. You have found a wonderful resource for support and information.

I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. You are not alone, and we understand.

I understand alcoholism. Let me try to share some information to help you understand what he is saying and doing.

Alcoholics will say and do anything to protect their addiction.
That includes lies and half-truths.

Alcoholics believe they suffer from "terminal uniqueness". Their life circumstances are so painful that they MUST self-medicate with alcohol to cope. i.e., "If you had my past - you'd drink to forget too!"
The truth is that their past is in the past. Their choices today are exactly that - their own unhealthy choices that they make freely, daily.

Alcoholics only let you see the side of them that looks normal. They can manipulate situations so you see them slightly buzzed vs. black out drunk. They can and do maintain sobriety for extended periods by telling themselves that they are normal and they can reward themself after ____ number of days/weeks without alcohol.
Skypes are not giving the true picture of his lifestyle. His finances, his day-to-day coping skills, his attitude/anger after a bad day at work, his reactions to life.

I think your gut is telling you the truth of this situation.
You know that you would be giving up a community of support and comfort to live isolated with someone who lies/manipulates/blame-shifts and is in denial about how much power alcohol has over his own life.
By following him while he is active in his addiction, you would be giving control of your life to alcohol too.

Have you looked into attending Alanon meetings in your community for face to face support? Alanon really helped me.

Please keep reading and posting. We understand.
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Old 01-02-2012, 08:58 AM
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If it were me I would not be moving anywhere with him at this time. No trust = no relationship. Way to many lies coming out of his mouth. Pay attention to his actions, his words are meaningless.
This is great advice. What you see -- a drunk -- is what you'll get. Unfortunately all the love in the world won't stop an active alcoholic from drinking. It would be a huge mistake to make a life-changing move based on the false promises of an drunk. You and your daughter deserve so much more in life.
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Old 01-02-2012, 09:31 AM
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Thank you all for your responses. I know that I cannot subject my daughter and myself to that life. I am going through a lot of hurt and anguish as reality smacks me in the face. Finding out everything that you have known has been a lie is very painful. I know that it is not my fault that I have been lied to and misled but I'm having a hard time not feeling guilty about putting my daughter through this. Letting her become attached to someone that has such a problem. I know that we will get through this. Thank you all for your support. I greatly need it and appreciate it.
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Old 01-02-2012, 11:27 AM
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am77,

Welcome to SR! It's a great place!

Of course, the circumstances of you being here are unfortunate.

I know how hard it is when you love someone and the Alcohol takes them away from you. I am Married to and A. I am in the military and have a 5 year old daughter and 2 year old son. I can say that if he willingly submits to treatment the military will help him. Treatment for addictions and anxiety and depression have improved greatly in the last few years. I've been in for 11 years and guided many of my Marines to and through treatment. Many have continued their careers and some have not. I would advise you to not move there until you see something concrete. You have caught him multiple times and who knows how many you haven't caught. I know what it's like to turn into the "Detective". After the hurtful lies, it's hard to believe them. It's a crazy disease. My wife is in Rehab right now. I wish that I could say certain things to my wife whom I love and care about more than anything in the world and then some other things to the very disease that controls her.

Please message me if you would like more information about some of the ways he can get help. militaryonesource.mil is a great start. I hope things get better for you. Just remember, you child's voice in this situation is yours. Think about moving there very hard. Military wife can be great, but it can also be very difficult. Stay strong and God Bless.
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Old 01-02-2012, 11:50 AM
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Thank you all for your responses. I know that I cannot subject my daughter and myself to that life. I am going through a lot of hurt and anguish as reality smacks me in the face. Finding out everything that you have known has been a lie is very painful. I know that it is not my fault that I have been lied to and misled but I'm having a hard time not feeling guilty about putting my daughter through this. Letting her become attached to someone that has such a problem. I know that we will get through this.
Please, please be gentle with yourself. You've done nothing irrevocable. Give yourself credit for asking for help and guidance -- for many of us this is the hardest step of all. It would be wonderful if we could realize something, snap our fingers and, voila!, change permanently but it's a process. Most of all realize that you deserve a terrific relationship with a healthy person, make that a goal.
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Old 01-02-2012, 01:17 PM
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FaithfulHusband, Thank you for your kind words and support. My heart goes out to you and your babies. I tried to send you a PM to discuss his military background and get any advice you may have, but was unable to.
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Old 01-02-2012, 01:40 PM
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Hi,

You'll be able to use the PM function after you have posted a few more times. I think it is around 10 posts to establish the PM function.

Glad you are still reaching out for support and info!


Hugs and support to you!
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Old 01-02-2012, 05:31 PM
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Originally Posted by am77 View Post
I know that it is not my fault that I have been lied to and misled but I'm having a hard time not feeling guilty about putting my daughter through this. Letting her become attached to someone that has such a problem. I know that we will get through this. Thank you all for your support. I greatly need it and appreciate it.

One time, a long time ago, I made this same mistake when my son was small. It was so painful...I truly empathize with what you are going through. But here is one thing I really learned from allowing my son to get attached to someone before I was SURE of where the relationship was headed....NEVER do it again, and I never did. I think my wishing and hoping that "he" would see us as a family was just more pink cloud thinking on my part...with devastating consequences in experiencing my own pain and my innocent son's too. This is how we learn in life. When we know better, we do better. Don't beat yourself on this...it is lesson learned!
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