Tres

Hi all, I am new to soberness and doing great. Loving how I feel and being a better parent to my 8 yo daughter.

My issue is my husband. He is a problem drinker. He is very supportive of my quiting and has cut back quite a bit. He is so nice to be around when he is sober. When he drinks, it disgusts me. He looks and acts stupid, yells at our daughter, etc..

Last night he came home drunk and started throwing up. He told me, "Dont say a word, you used to do this all the time." Well it wasn't all the time, but occasionally. I told him "you are right, but I will never do it again." He said "I don't want to hear you get all high and mighty about it." I said, "I'm not, its your problem."

Before he came home we were all together at the neighbors and he yelled at my daughter for talking to him during a game. She was asking for help to pick up the beer cans that he had knocked over in the trash can. Everyone heard him and it was a complete overreaction. She started crying. Thats when she and I left and came home. She said, "he always yells at me when he is drinking beer." I feel so bad for her.

Meanwhile its 1030 and we are waiting for him to wake up because I need him to help me get stuff down from the attic so that we can put the decorations away.

He doesnt drink everynight, but he has been drunk the last 3 of 5 nights and not been around to say goodnight to his daughter.

We have done enough damage when both of us were drinking. Now that I am not drinking I am starting to notice his pattern more and I really don't like him. I am not sure what to do?

Can you be an alcoholic(me) and co-dependent/enabler also?? I dont know how to discuss with him my worries. Our daughter is #1 right now in my book. What is he teaching her???? I know I had a problem too, but I stopped and I am trying to fix it. Now I think he needs to see the light also.

I know when I bring it up, he will say, "you did it all the time, blah blah blah." But I STOPPED. I got help.

He is also bipolar and on meds for that. I just cant help thinking I might want a divorce from him someday?? I hate to say those words, but I think I am growing apart from him since I have chosen sobriety.

I must say seeing him drunk and throwing up has reinforced my decision not to drink.

Frustrated on JAN 2!!! I am trying to work on my own recovery and now I have to worry about my AH??? UGHH..

Please advise.

DesertEyes

Hello Tres, and pleased to "meet" you

Yes. I am There's a lot of other folks here who are. Take a little time to read thru all the posts and you will find their stories.

You do the same thing you did to get sober. You get help. Start by reading the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. In your own recovery you are learning about the disease of alcoholism and how it affects you. Now you can learn about the disease of alcoholism and how it affects a family.

Check out some meetings of al-anon. In the bigger cities they have "double-winner" meetings, which are for people that are _both_ addicts and married to one. Ask at those meetings for a therapist that can help you gain some clarity as to your choices.

"Someday" is not "today". Think of the "One day at a time" concept. If you do decide to divorce him that would be in the future. Today you need to learn more about co-dependency and the "family disease". Once you have learned what your choices are from a therapist, once you have heard what other people have done in similar situations from meetings of al-anon, then you will have the information you need that will guide you in making a decision.

I'm glad you decided to post.

Mike

Pelican

Yes!
Hi, I'm known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also recovering from a marriage to an active alcoholic. (now divorced)
I continue to work on my codependency, too.

As long as your AH (alcoholic husband) is actively drinking, it will be hard to have a meaningful, rational conversation with him. You are sober minded, he is not.

I found support through Alanon meetings. Alanon is a free 12 step support group for friends and family of alcoholics. It helped me establish boundaries, regain self-confidence, and learn to love myself. That made me a better person, mom, and coworker.

I also got support and information here at SR, and through self-improvement books.

This is one of my favorite stickies (from the top of the forum pages). I followed these steps while living with active alcoholism in my home:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Congratulations on your sobriety! Good on you!

Tres

Thanks Deserteyes and Pelican. I did read the sticky on 10 ways to help family members. It was VERY helpful and I was doing most of them wrong. I will keep reading and learning. I will check my local meetings for Al anon and AA.

I have only been using supportive friends and this website to help me with my recovery. Seems weird to go to an Al anon meeting before going to AA for myself. But I seem to be doing ok with myself and need more help dealing with him.

Pelican

You doing great!

I did not use AA to get sober. I have used a few open meetings as a means of fellowship and support in my new community.

I relied a lot on support here for early sobriety and information.
After reading "under the Influence", I never drank again.

Here is a link that contains excerpts from the book:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I did leave the book laying around the house and discussed it with my AH. He read some of the book himself. It did not sway him in his drinking, however.

Tres

I had a talk with him this afternoon. He does not remember getting inher face and yelling at her. I told him I was dissappointed in his actions and this is not the way to raise our daughter. I did not make threats or yell at him.

I reminded him that he has not been home the last three of five nights. I did not tell him what to do. I told him to look at his priorities, thats all.

I felt better getting it off my chest and he says he feels bad. He said he knows he has to prove it to me that he can do better.

Time will tell.