quitforme79

My life was so much better after even just 1 month sober.that was October thru November. The past 4 weeks I've again put myself thru hell. I know what I need to do, I have the tools & support ( therapist, sober friends etc). Recently I just don't care enough about myself. Even writing that makes me so sad. I have a good job, am funny, super compassionate. I have so much to offer if I could stop drinking obviously. I live a secret life, nobody knows except 1 good sober friend. I am ashamed of myself. I want to change but the pain of my abandonment issues is so powerful after yet another loss. I've been throwing up all day & have bruises all over, Idont remember much of last nite. What I do remember disgusts me. I don't want to go to aa because then I'd really b admitting I'm an alcoholic & I feel like a failure. I know the alternative is death by drinking eventually because its causing me health problems and I feel suicidal often while drunk. When will I learn? Will I ever? Is this m rock bottom? Can anyone help me tonight? Im sober but sure depressed. Lonely & tired of being in my own skin?

Terminally Unique

The alcohol won't make your pain, or your depression go away, it will only amplify them. As long as you keep drinking, the only way to go is down, down, down. Until you quit drinking, it also won't matter much what else you do, including therapy. You said that you know what you need to do, but the real question is: will you?

PS: There are more choices available than just AA or death.

1undone

You sound desperate. Have you been to AA? Have you let your doctors know what's going on? You have to let someone in. You can't do this alone. This website is great but you really need to get honest with a professional that can really help you and care for you. Glad you opened up here.

Dee74

I don't think getting help is a failure Quit - I think not getting help could be though?

Our addiction will sap our self confidence, it will make us hate ourselves, it will destroy our motivation for self improvement - and replaces it with despair and hopelessness.

Just because the lies are coming from you doesn't make them any less untrue.

Fight the lies Quit. Do something - I think you're worth it

I believe you can do it

D

quitforme79

Never been to aa & play down my alcohol use to my Dr who seems to believe me. I am desperate the real question is will I do what it takes? Withdrawals r now happening which I never used to get before - shakes, sweats etc. Thank u all for the support & advice

jocata

Hey quit, I have been where you are. It does feel hopeless, but it is not. Don't be afraid off AA. Everybody in there had to start where you are. There is love and support there, just like here.
Your doctor will help you as well, but you have to be honest. Once you open up, you may find that you feel just a little bit better. Hang in there.
God bless.

1undone

How much have you been drinking? You can be honest here since we don't know you. Maybe it would help to get that out?

quitforme79

I've been drinking a bottle of wine every nite for the past 4 weeks. Some nights I only have a glass then fall asleep ...those r the times I'm so hungover & tired from working while feeling like crap. Thank u so much undone, is helping me to get it out

stepping

hang in there quit!! it will get better!! you sound like you really want to quit so just do it! you are the only one in control of that. you said your close sober friend knows what you are doing to yourself well i am sure they would lend a hand out to help you if you ask..BUT YOU HAVE TO ASK! it's a long journey alone but having people that are on the same team as you always makes it a little easier, in my opinion. use this forum. we are here for you and a lot of us have been there. today is day one for me. im here for u. HUGS!

stepping

and AA is what helped me get sober the first time. it's a great tool AND you are not a failure by admitting you are an alcoholic...that takes courage and lots of strength. it makes you STRONG!!

Dee74

The alternative - not doing what it takes - is pretty awful, quit.
It never gets better down that road.

D

Xyphen

Admitting that you have a problem doesn't make you a failure. It makes you honest with yourself and it just shows that you're ready to make a change. Look at it as an affirmation and empowerment. A stepping stone to resolving your issue. Admitting it to yourself really is the first step. And there are alternatives to AA. For me personally, AA isn't my thing. But SR has been helping a lot and there are other organizations out there that are more science-based and secular if that is your preference. Whichever path you choose that helps you is a right path.

Also, I know exactly how you feel. I'm 13 days sober now and still going through withdrawals though they are much much better than they were 10 days ago. I never used to get withdrawals like this either. But after getting support from everyone here on SR I've learned that they do get better with each day. And each day sober is a triumph. It does get better. Just keep coming back.

Threshold

Quit, I've been where you are many times. Both wasted AND sober.

Coming here is a great help in my recovery. But it doesn't carry me. Not being able to stand being in my own skin is, for me, the worst feeling of all. The best cure, I believe, is to make a life you can be comfortable in.

A therapist I had long ago, told me that even when we lie in therapy, we are telling who we are by the lies we tell.

Lucky thing for us, is that puking, bruises, and all the other lovely results of substance abuse don't tell lies, they tell the truth, brutal as it may be.

I have one thing to offer, and I am saying it because SO much of what you posted fits me to a T, that maybe this will help you...please do not fall into the trap of letting your disgust over your behavior, and your shame keep you using/drinking. It can be a motivator to get sober, or, with certain mindsets, it can be a reason we keep using, because we don't want to face what we do. Please don't let shame hold you hostage.

quitforme79

Thank u for that powerful reply threshold. I want to feel good again, I don't want to b stuck in this vicious cycle of drinking & shame. I know I need to b honest w myself which is tough when I'm clouded by depression over this & really don't even know where to begin. Being uncomfortable as me is the most horrible feeling. I know if I stay sober however, that it will pass. Last time it was easy to quit but not to stay so. Now all of it overwhelms me but I truely don't want to live like this anymore. I feel homesick for the me I knew when I was sober, if that makes any sense. As down as I am I'm trying to summon up all the courage I have left to get better.