Need a reality check
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4
Need a reality check
Hi...I'm a newbie and have been lurking here for a few weeks. But I'm definitely not new to the effects of living with an AH. We'll be married 30 years in June and he's been actively drinking for nearly all of it. He white-knuckled it for 6 months just last year, but then started drinking again. He said his relapse was my fault for not giving him the love he needed. He drinks just the hard stuff. Usually 3-4 of the large (1.75L) bottles of vodka and/or gin every week.
What complicates my situation is my two beloved sons. They are young adults...and they are challenged with autism. Both require 24x7 care. The one thing my AH and I still have in common is that we both love our sons deeply. We are very dedicated to them and are very protective of them.
Since losing his job in 2003, my AH has assumed the role of primary caregiver for our sons, and I continue to work full-time. Without a job outside the home, my AH quickly withdrew socially. He makes no effort to see old friends and has no hobbies. He just stays home, watches TV or listens to music, and gets drunk EVERY day. He doesn't cook, clean, handle family finances, grocery shop, do laundry, yard work, or even take out the trash. I have learned to expect little from him.
Over the years, I've been to Al-Anon and consulted with numerous counselors and pastors. I've learned coping skills and resist being co-dependent. I've learned to detach and have been getting by ok. My career and my dear sister keep me sane. My deep Christian faith is also critical and gives me an all-important eternal perspective. I'm also a 2-time breast cancer survivor. But I'm basically a happy person, in spite of the difficult circumstances.
Here's where I need a reality check.
Even though we've basically had no sex life for years, about a month ago my AH suddenly decided he wanted to "work on our marriage." He didn't intend to finally get serious help for his alcoholism. No...he thinks all we need to do to fix our marriage is to resurrect our physical intimacy. He started following me around the house and pressuring me for affection. But here's the problem. I've been SO hurt for SO long that I'm COMPLETELY turned off by him. Just the thought of being intimate now makes me cringe, and feel used and violated.
He's completely baffled as to why I don't respond enthusiastically to his (what I'm sure he considers sincere) efforts. In the beginning of our marriage, I enjoyed being intimate with him. But those feelings were killed off years ago. He's the father of my sons, but otherwise I have no emotional connection to him.
He never gets physically abusive, but my sons and I do suffer some verbal abuse and the accompanying emotional hell. I've learned to ignore his nonsensical rants, but I constantly worry about the effect it has on my sons...as if they don't already have enough on their plates.
When I look at it from his (warped) perspective, I think he's really sincere when he says he's trying. He's deluded himself into believing that if we just fix our sex life, it will give him a reason to quit drinking ... and VOILA! Everything will be perfect.
Should I be more responsive to his advances? As a Christian, I feel guilty that I'm not fulfilling his physical needs. But I'm really struggling with the emotional block.
Leaving him is not an option. We need each other to support our disabled sons.
Can anyone offer some much needed clarity?
What complicates my situation is my two beloved sons. They are young adults...and they are challenged with autism. Both require 24x7 care. The one thing my AH and I still have in common is that we both love our sons deeply. We are very dedicated to them and are very protective of them.
Since losing his job in 2003, my AH has assumed the role of primary caregiver for our sons, and I continue to work full-time. Without a job outside the home, my AH quickly withdrew socially. He makes no effort to see old friends and has no hobbies. He just stays home, watches TV or listens to music, and gets drunk EVERY day. He doesn't cook, clean, handle family finances, grocery shop, do laundry, yard work, or even take out the trash. I have learned to expect little from him.
Over the years, I've been to Al-Anon and consulted with numerous counselors and pastors. I've learned coping skills and resist being co-dependent. I've learned to detach and have been getting by ok. My career and my dear sister keep me sane. My deep Christian faith is also critical and gives me an all-important eternal perspective. I'm also a 2-time breast cancer survivor. But I'm basically a happy person, in spite of the difficult circumstances.
Here's where I need a reality check.
Even though we've basically had no sex life for years, about a month ago my AH suddenly decided he wanted to "work on our marriage." He didn't intend to finally get serious help for his alcoholism. No...he thinks all we need to do to fix our marriage is to resurrect our physical intimacy. He started following me around the house and pressuring me for affection. But here's the problem. I've been SO hurt for SO long that I'm COMPLETELY turned off by him. Just the thought of being intimate now makes me cringe, and feel used and violated.
He's completely baffled as to why I don't respond enthusiastically to his (what I'm sure he considers sincere) efforts. In the beginning of our marriage, I enjoyed being intimate with him. But those feelings were killed off years ago. He's the father of my sons, but otherwise I have no emotional connection to him.
He never gets physically abusive, but my sons and I do suffer some verbal abuse and the accompanying emotional hell. I've learned to ignore his nonsensical rants, but I constantly worry about the effect it has on my sons...as if they don't already have enough on their plates.
When I look at it from his (warped) perspective, I think he's really sincere when he says he's trying. He's deluded himself into believing that if we just fix our sex life, it will give him a reason to quit drinking ... and VOILA! Everything will be perfect.
Should I be more responsive to his advances? As a Christian, I feel guilty that I'm not fulfilling his physical needs. But I'm really struggling with the emotional block.
Leaving him is not an option. We need each other to support our disabled sons.
Can anyone offer some much needed clarity?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I am glad you are here. I hope you will feel free to post as much as needed.
Have you read anything about the 5 love languages?
It has helped my partner and I address our desires and needs. I rate acts of service higher than my partner. Therefore, it is important to me that my partner take the initiative to grocery shop, cook, clean, do laundry, and help with all household expenses - without being asked.
We both value quality time, so that one is easy to provide and receive.
After living with an alcoholic, words of affirmation are low on my list. I learned to look at actions more than listen to words. However, my partner values words of affirmation. I offer sincere compliments and he receives them with joy.
Disclaimer: This works in my relationship with a non-drinker. I tried to use the love languages when it first became popular and I was married to an active alcoholic. We were never speaking the same language when alcohol was involved.
Your current situation involves alcohol consumption by your partner. It also seems you are care-taking for 3 adult children.
It would be difficult to muster intimate feelings for someone that needed me as my child needs me.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I am glad you are here. I hope you will feel free to post as much as needed.
Have you read anything about the 5 love languages?
It has helped my partner and I address our desires and needs. I rate acts of service higher than my partner. Therefore, it is important to me that my partner take the initiative to grocery shop, cook, clean, do laundry, and help with all household expenses - without being asked.
We both value quality time, so that one is easy to provide and receive.
After living with an alcoholic, words of affirmation are low on my list. I learned to look at actions more than listen to words. However, my partner values words of affirmation. I offer sincere compliments and he receives them with joy.
Disclaimer: This works in my relationship with a non-drinker. I tried to use the love languages when it first became popular and I was married to an active alcoholic. We were never speaking the same language when alcohol was involved.
Your current situation involves alcohol consumption by your partner. It also seems you are care-taking for 3 adult children.
It would be difficult to muster intimate feelings for someone that needed me as my child needs me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4
Thank you, Pelican. How amazing that you brought up the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I bought the book just a few weeks ago. My primary love language is Acts of Service, and Words of Affirmation is second. I begged my AH to read the book, or at least listen as I explain the concepts. But it's like talking to a brick wall. Frustrating doesn't begin to cover it. You said "It would be difficult to muster intimate feelings for someone that needed me as my child needs me." That describes it so well. I often feel more like his mother than his wife.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Reality check?
Sex or the lack of it isn't the issue. Your husband's desire for sex is an expression of him seeing his own mortality. He's burning the candle at both ends. He's no longer a caregiver. At best he's a sitter. Literally.
At the pace he's consuming alcohol...well, he won't be able to keep it up much longer. Five years? Ten? You might think that maybe that's a solution. When I was where you are now, I thought it was a solution. Far off perhaps, but a solution. But then what about your sons?
The alternative? Deal with it now. I don't know how you handle dealing with your sons situation...but you can figure that out. You have to. You owe it to your sons.
I eventually dealt with my situation, because I recognized that my life had become completely unmanageable. I was desperate. My wife could have died while I dithered. She was very close when she went into rehab. I didn't realize how close until later, it wasn't far off at all. I was lucky, I got a second chance. I didn't save my wife (she gets credit for that), but I saved myself.
"Doing nothing" is not a solution. Don't waste the next 5 years of your life. Do something. Don't do it for your husband. Don't even do it for your sons. Do it for yourself. Maybe in time, like me, you'll find that you're grateful that you did.
Sex or the lack of it isn't the issue. Your husband's desire for sex is an expression of him seeing his own mortality. He's burning the candle at both ends. He's no longer a caregiver. At best he's a sitter. Literally.
At the pace he's consuming alcohol...well, he won't be able to keep it up much longer. Five years? Ten? You might think that maybe that's a solution. When I was where you are now, I thought it was a solution. Far off perhaps, but a solution. But then what about your sons?
The alternative? Deal with it now. I don't know how you handle dealing with your sons situation...but you can figure that out. You have to. You owe it to your sons.
I eventually dealt with my situation, because I recognized that my life had become completely unmanageable. I was desperate. My wife could have died while I dithered. She was very close when she went into rehab. I didn't realize how close until later, it wasn't far off at all. I was lucky, I got a second chance. I didn't save my wife (she gets credit for that), but I saved myself.
"Doing nothing" is not a solution. Don't waste the next 5 years of your life. Do something. Don't do it for your husband. Don't even do it for your sons. Do it for yourself. Maybe in time, like me, you'll find that you're grateful that you did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4
Thank you very much for sharing your perspective Matt. What I struggle with is...what can I do? He refuses to go to rehab. He says I'm the only one who can fix him. But I know that's ridiculous. He needs to get into rehab because he wants to get well. My options are so limited...that's part of the problem. As for my sons, we do have services in place. In the event that I would become a single parent, we would get bumped up the priority list for assistance.
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