Too many broken promises
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: ny, ny
Posts: 2
Too many broken promises
I am new to this forum. I've been reading posts for a while now, and have found it very helpful.
I am married (three years) to a chronic alcoholic who relapses every 10 months or so. Each relapse worse than the last. Arrests, hospitalizations, near lethal alcohol levels, violence, rage, and on and on. When she is sober, at least in the beginning months, the resolve and commitment is strong, but after 6 months or so, the negativity starts, the continuous complaining, always not feeling well physically...and the blame starts again. This of course coincides with less willingness and honesty and other things start taking priority over sobriety. This has happened each year of our marriage, always exploding right before the holidays. I have yet to spend a Christmas or New Years with her. And I am done. As damaged as my trust has been all along, it is non-existent at this point. Gone. She has an excuse for everything.
The 'reasons' for the relapses are beyond lame, and seem to get more and more pathetic. She drinks hair spray, mouthwash, vanilla extract, you name it, and then of course vodka. Always hiding it, as long as she can, until she can't anymore, and once she knows she's caught, all hell breaks loose. She has driven drunk I don't know how many times, with no regard for anyone or anything else. These big relapses last about a week, and her family and I are just destroyed by the end of them. The nasty, mean and threatening voicemails and texts. The destruction in the house, it really is terrifying. Then after she goes back to treatment again (been too many times to count) she makes a blanket, remorseful sounding apology, but will never, ever discuss the specific damages done. This is such a selfish disease. I too am in recovery, and I know all too well how much work it can take at times to stay away from that first drink. But I don't mess around and do whatever it takes and what I am told to do in AA. It's really sad to see what happens when one takes their will back and time and time again, ends up in the same awful place. If you don't do the work and change the person you are, then the same person will get drunk again. There are no shortcuts in recovery. None. And until she can actually get honest with herself, and goes to any lengths, she will never recover.
I am definitely at the end of my rope. I do not want her coming back home. I am so tired of living on egg shells, seeing her veer off track, and then boom, all goes to hell. Last years relapse was insanely ugly. And due to a laundry list of arrests, and charges, if she gets caught drinking, or anything breaking her probation, she will go immediately to jail. But we discussed last year, with her therapist at the rehab, that I cannot go through another relapse. I just didn't get sober to live someone else's alcoholism. She just blames everyone and anything else rather than take responsibility for her own actions. I am told I am 'punishing' her for taking the car keys away. It is like she is a child inside of an adults body. She actually said "well, it's not like I drive drunk all the time"! I told her once is too many.
Anyway, I am now spending my LAST new years eve alone. Never again. I will walk through this sadness, broken-hearted, dreams gone, and simply disillusioned. What a waste of a life she has led. I've have tried to help and be supportive every way I can, but this is her journey. I got sober because I want to live a full life, and do not want to keep going through this cycle. I don't know how much more she has to lose before hitting bottom, but it's hell being in love with someone who really doesn't want to be free of this disease. And so sad that some people fear change more than the knowing hell and destruction that never, ever gets any better.
When we got married, we both vowed to keep sobriety the number one priority. Knowing relapsing was a deal-breaker. Now she is just going on and on about how I am abandoning her, etc. Truth is, when she picked up that drink, she abandoned me. I don't know if I have any hope at all left. I've always believed she COULD do it, but no longer believe she WILL do it.
This is by far the saddest thing I've ever gone through. I never loved anyone as much as her. She is smart, talented, beautiful, and throwing it all away. She actually thinks that I am just going to be ok with this, and our life will go on as it was. I am amazed. She just left me a message from rehab, no emotion in her voice, just the usual 'hopes I know how much she loves me'...This has destroyed me.
Has anyone else out there experienced this, with someone who can stay sober in AA for nearly a year each time only to drink again?
Thank you for letting me vent. Here's hoping 2012 will be so much better.
I am married (three years) to a chronic alcoholic who relapses every 10 months or so. Each relapse worse than the last. Arrests, hospitalizations, near lethal alcohol levels, violence, rage, and on and on. When she is sober, at least in the beginning months, the resolve and commitment is strong, but after 6 months or so, the negativity starts, the continuous complaining, always not feeling well physically...and the blame starts again. This of course coincides with less willingness and honesty and other things start taking priority over sobriety. This has happened each year of our marriage, always exploding right before the holidays. I have yet to spend a Christmas or New Years with her. And I am done. As damaged as my trust has been all along, it is non-existent at this point. Gone. She has an excuse for everything.
The 'reasons' for the relapses are beyond lame, and seem to get more and more pathetic. She drinks hair spray, mouthwash, vanilla extract, you name it, and then of course vodka. Always hiding it, as long as she can, until she can't anymore, and once she knows she's caught, all hell breaks loose. She has driven drunk I don't know how many times, with no regard for anyone or anything else. These big relapses last about a week, and her family and I are just destroyed by the end of them. The nasty, mean and threatening voicemails and texts. The destruction in the house, it really is terrifying. Then after she goes back to treatment again (been too many times to count) she makes a blanket, remorseful sounding apology, but will never, ever discuss the specific damages done. This is such a selfish disease. I too am in recovery, and I know all too well how much work it can take at times to stay away from that first drink. But I don't mess around and do whatever it takes and what I am told to do in AA. It's really sad to see what happens when one takes their will back and time and time again, ends up in the same awful place. If you don't do the work and change the person you are, then the same person will get drunk again. There are no shortcuts in recovery. None. And until she can actually get honest with herself, and goes to any lengths, she will never recover.
I am definitely at the end of my rope. I do not want her coming back home. I am so tired of living on egg shells, seeing her veer off track, and then boom, all goes to hell. Last years relapse was insanely ugly. And due to a laundry list of arrests, and charges, if she gets caught drinking, or anything breaking her probation, she will go immediately to jail. But we discussed last year, with her therapist at the rehab, that I cannot go through another relapse. I just didn't get sober to live someone else's alcoholism. She just blames everyone and anything else rather than take responsibility for her own actions. I am told I am 'punishing' her for taking the car keys away. It is like she is a child inside of an adults body. She actually said "well, it's not like I drive drunk all the time"! I told her once is too many.
Anyway, I am now spending my LAST new years eve alone. Never again. I will walk through this sadness, broken-hearted, dreams gone, and simply disillusioned. What a waste of a life she has led. I've have tried to help and be supportive every way I can, but this is her journey. I got sober because I want to live a full life, and do not want to keep going through this cycle. I don't know how much more she has to lose before hitting bottom, but it's hell being in love with someone who really doesn't want to be free of this disease. And so sad that some people fear change more than the knowing hell and destruction that never, ever gets any better.
When we got married, we both vowed to keep sobriety the number one priority. Knowing relapsing was a deal-breaker. Now she is just going on and on about how I am abandoning her, etc. Truth is, when she picked up that drink, she abandoned me. I don't know if I have any hope at all left. I've always believed she COULD do it, but no longer believe she WILL do it.
This is by far the saddest thing I've ever gone through. I never loved anyone as much as her. She is smart, talented, beautiful, and throwing it all away. She actually thinks that I am just going to be ok with this, and our life will go on as it was. I am amazed. She just left me a message from rehab, no emotion in her voice, just the usual 'hopes I know how much she loves me'...This has destroyed me.
Has anyone else out there experienced this, with someone who can stay sober in AA for nearly a year each time only to drink again?
Thank you for letting me vent. Here's hoping 2012 will be so much better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Immm....so very sorry to hear of your sadness and the awful tragedy of watching a loved one slip away to somewhere you cannot go. You will find many, many many of us have experienced similar things. I started Al Anon and came here....you will find loving understanding support in both places.
Each one of us had to deal with the terrible reality that we cannot stop them from drinking. That is completely their journey, and we cannot come along. What we can do is figure out what we need, what our children need and make decisions based only on that. The A must find their way...for us to try to "find it " for them...will only destroy us....and it doesn't work anyway!
Big hug to you....you are welcome here.
Each one of us had to deal with the terrible reality that we cannot stop them from drinking. That is completely their journey, and we cannot come along. What we can do is figure out what we need, what our children need and make decisions based only on that. The A must find their way...for us to try to "find it " for them...will only destroy us....and it doesn't work anyway!
Big hug to you....you are welcome here.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. We understand. You are not alone!
Congratulations on your own sobriety and recovery! I too am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also a recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic. We were married 14 years.
I found this forum and Alanon meetings to be very helpful in helping me to set boundaries, establish healthy standards, and live my life on life's terms.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. We understand. You are not alone!
Congratulations on your own sobriety and recovery! I too am a recovering alcoholic.
I am also a recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic. We were married 14 years.
I found this forum and Alanon meetings to be very helpful in helping me to set boundaries, establish healthy standards, and live my life on life's terms.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Sorry, for all that your going thru.
You sound strong on this end. Hope you keep going...
As far as your question, I recently met a man, who did the same
thing as she is doing, but it was every 5 years, instead of 1.
He said it was like clock work.
Every 5 years..He would drink and check out for awhile
P.S. - New year's eve....Me> Hot Bath, Read A Great Book < Cant wait!!!
I wont have one drunk person around me, and I really like it that way
You sound strong on this end. Hope you keep going...
As far as your question, I recently met a man, who did the same
thing as she is doing, but it was every 5 years, instead of 1.
He said it was like clock work.
Every 5 years..He would drink and check out for awhile
P.S. - New year's eve....Me> Hot Bath, Read A Great Book < Cant wait!!!
I wont have one drunk person around me, and I really like it that way
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Yes I've experienced this and it is sad beyond words to see some one's life disintegrate. My XABF relapsed after 10 years sober and after that it was a continuous detox and relapse every few months until his death. I know the hell you are going through watching this happen and know the pain involved. I wish I had some words to make you feel better but as I am still grieving the death I don't have much to offer other than I know how you feel. Congratulations on your own sobriety and sending you wishes for a continuous recovery.
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