My 1st post, letting go. (Very long)
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Temperance, Michigan
Posts: 6
My 1st post, letting go. (Very long)
HELLO EVERYONE!
I have stayed strong for almost 4 years now but just recently broke down and hit my rock-bottom as the girlfriend of an addict. I would label myself as a codependent/love addict/spouse of substance abuser/adult child of alcoholic parent. I read the threads from the appropriate categories but since this is my 1st post and I could've posted bits and pieces in multiple categories, I thought "Newcomers to Recovery" was the best place to start. I'm going to just get everything off my chest from the past 4 years since I've had to keep it inside for so long. So much has happened and I know this will be extremely long but I just need to let it out. I am not expecting anyone to read this entire thread so I tried to break it up into paragraphs. It's in order from 2007 til present. I started in 2007 because that was when I first noticed I was losing control of my life and today I am trying to finally gain control back. I just needed to type it all out so I can try to heal. Thank you in advance to anyone who leaves a post... advice, a comment, anything, it's just nice to know I finally found support and that I'm not alone!
2007-
It all started when I was in high school, I experimented with many drugs... weed, ecstacy, cocaine, oxycontin. The last few months of 12th grade (spring 2007) the drugs were starting to become a problem. I would snort about 10-20mg of oxycontin and looking back now I see that I had no idea what I was doing. I was nodding out in front of the computers and even remember snorting some before marching band practice!! I was a good student, rarely ever missed class, but somehow got caught up what all the "cool, popular, good-looking" guys were doing. It changed my personality so much, I am so ashamed of the relationships I had just because I was high.
I would use with this one guy in particular because he and my friend had an apartment together and it was always the perfect place for all our friends to come over and use at. I started having feelings for him and although I didn't use near as much as everyone else, I eventually started cashing my check from work and all of it would go straight to buying the pills for him that he claimed we would make money off of if we sold. Of course we always did em all, well HE did, and I would just get bumps here and there. I also let him borrow my car all the time. He came inside to my dad's house one night with me and while we were walking out to the car my dad accused him of taking a $50 bill off his table. I was so stupid and blind I believed him over my dad. About a month or two later while I was at work in the morning I get a voicemail from my dad saying his money and money clip is missing off the table. I had spent the night at that guy's apartment that night and slept on his couch. My friend told me while I was sleeping the guy took my keys out of my purse, drove my car to my dad's house, went inside while he was sleeping ON THE COUCH and stole it. Again, I didn't believe it. My dad is an alcoholic and he would always pass out on the couch and was a heavy sleeper but I just couldn't believe it.
Eventually when I hit my rock bottom the very first time, it was prom night and the guy ditched me. I got my hair done, had my dress on, was all ready to go but he was no where to be found. I was so completely depressed I will never forget that night because I almost shot up oxycontin, the first time I would've shot anything up. My other friend, who also snorted oxys, changed my mind and I am so so thankful for that. Of course I drank and used that night, it was my most depressed low I ever had. Months later I found out he also used my car to break into my best friend (non-user)'s house while I was at school and stole $1000s of dollars worth of stuff and even some priceless things. I'm actually surprised all this stuff keeps coming up, I completely forgot about a lot of it because I didn't want to remember it or even admit that part of me ever existed.
I met a guy a couple weeks later who would come to the apartment and use and we ended up starting to date (May 2007). We would use together and I spent many nights at his (parents') house with him in the same town I lived in. The summer went by and eventually I was about to start up college. I had been trying for about a month to get him to stop using the oxys because I stopped. I just didn't want that lifestyle anymore so I stopped using, it slowed down a lot when I started dating him and eventually stopped. I would have talks with his mom about it who would tell me to leave him but it was so hard because I felt they were family. It was very very hard but I just saw no hope in him and that was enough for me to break it off. I cried and cried and just wanted him back but knew I wasn't going to be happy with him as long as he was using.
So college started in August, the day after I broke up with him, and I completely messed that up. I was doing fine until I turned 18 that Fall. I discovered the clubs and went to tons of frat parties, get wasted, and wake up in a dorm after I already missed my morning classes. I also stopped going to work and lost my job because I didn't wake up after partying and drinking all night. I was using cocaine in the parking lots before walking into the clubs, it was a disaster. I was desperate for money and FINALLY got another job that fall/winter and loved it, I worked there for 2 1/2 years.
2008-
Even though I was on academic probation I signed up for more classes that Spring because I was still living at my parents and my mom expected me to stay in college. At this time I didn't use anything, I drank every once in awhile but I was back to my "normal" self and very at-peace. I met a guy who was my waiter at a restaurant in January 2008 and eventually got ahold of him through Myspace. We went to high school together but he is 2 yrs older and was very popular... we just didn't have the same friends. I didn't know much about him at all, I just was instantly attracted to him. We grabbed dinner, and rented some movies on our first date. He also lived in the same town as me with his parents as well so it was easy to spend every day with him. I don't really remember exactly how it got brought up but somehow he ended up saying he had a dr. appointment very early the next day. He then admitted it was at the methadone clinic (probably the only time he has ever been honest about his drug use). My heart dropped, I knew of the methadone clinic and I absolutely hated it, seeing how my friends that went would be passed out sitting up in the afternoon from such a high dose. It was hard for me to turn away from him even though the last thing I wanted was a relationship with another addict.
Two days later he invited me to a dinner with his entire extended family, which I attended. Even though it was so soon and rushed, it seemed so normal to me, that was the way I had always went about relationships, falling hard and fast. He explained that the reason he was on methadone is because he was addicted to oxycontin and wanted to become sober. Unlike my last boyfriend, I just felt like there was hope with this one. He knew it bothered me that he went to the methadone clinic but it was easier knowing his dose was smaller and he wasn't getting high like my old friends were. He even started asking if I would come with him since it was a drive and wanted company.
My parents have been divorced for over 10 years now and instead of switching days every day between my mom and dad I decided to move in with my dad. Most of the reason was because my dad was not strict whatsoever and let me get away with anything. He never even gave me any consequences for keeping alcohol in the fridge or sneaking out. I was going back and forth with my addict boyfriend sleeping at my dad's and his parents until he got into an argument with his parents and ended up moving in with me at my dad's.
I let school fall through and ended up on academic suspension because I just wasn't going to my classes. Instead of doing the partying I was just obsessed with spending all my time with my ABF. We occasionally smoked weed together over the next few months and used cocaine (which just wasn't the same as before) and I messed up so bad we used oxycontin together... WHYYYYYYYYYY?!!!
UGH i could cry about it to this day, that stupid drug is the devil. After those times I was done for good and 3 1/2 years later still haven't touched them.
In July 2008 I found out I was pregnant... 18 and pregnant... I couldn't believe it! I was so scared and didn't know what to do but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I'm so glad I got pregnant because I truly believe it made me straighten my crap up. As fortunate as I was to have a pretty easy pregnancy and didn't use anything, even resisted caffeinated pop for most of my pregnancy, I was not so fortunate with the stress I had at home. Thankfully I was getting full-time hours at my work so I wasn't stressed for money, it was the stresses at home.
While I was growing up and making all these changes since I was going to be a mom in a few months, I had to watch my ABF and alcoholic dad use and drink daily. I had a long talk with my dad about how it upset me when he drank (beers at home every day) and how I couldn't even have a serious conversation with him because he was constantly drunk. I was very emotional, being pregnant, and this was the first time his drinking had bothered me.
He would try to pick me up from work after he had been drinking (he was always drinking) and I would refuse to get in the car with him. Then he would get mad because I told him I was going to walk home. He eventually let me drive home and he rode in the passenger seat but it was the same routine every time. My grandma (my dad's mom) lost 2 babies because of my grandpa's alcoholism. One was from a horrible car accident when my grandpa was drunk and my grandma was a pregnant passenger. The other was because my grandma asked my grandpa to drive her and the 2 week old baby to the hospital since it wasn't urinating on a regular basis but instead he drove to the bar. I even threatened him once the baby was born that he would never be able to babysit unless he stopped drinking. Needless to say, I stuck by my word and today my son is almost 3. He has watched my son under 5 times since he was born and NEVER overnight. I will always remember at the end of one of our conversations while I couldn't stop crying and pleading he stop drinking, he said, "This was a pretty intense conversation, do you mind if I get a beer?" completely serious about wanting the beer but making it all into a joke. That was when I knew for sure my dad was an alcoholic, and it's sad because my ABF does the same thing... turns a completely serious conversation into a joke.
At this same time, I found out that time me and my ABF used oxycontin together set everything off for him again and he was using on a daily basis. I went to the bank and noticed I had a bunch of unauthorized cash withdrawals off my credit card totalling over $600. My ABF was waiting in the car and as soon as the teller told me that and showed me the transactions I knew exactly what he did. Making him feel guilty did nothing, yelling at him did nothing, it didn't matter because the drugs were more important. With me being so young and only being with him for 6 months and carrying his baby it was hard for me to just kick him out. He eventually told me he weaned himself off the oxycontins and was completely sober. That's when more and more lies started, which I of course fell for.
He told me he found this job that pays hourly under the table to load crates on a truck and that they only need people for a few hrs each morning. I started questioning it and he asked if I wanted to come along too since it was $15/hr. Obviously I'm pregnant, I'm not going to load crates that he said weigh 30 lbs. He also said as an incentive to get people there daily they give out gas cards for people who work every day that week. I started getting more suspicious a few months later but then found a gas card on the ground in our room. I asked him what that was from and he said from his work... then a week later there was a restaurant card on the ground and he said "They ran out of gas cards so they had restaurant cards instead". I know, I know I'm an idiot for falling for that, he was just so convincing and paid me back my $600 for my credit card and never stole any money from me after that.
Then one day that winter 2008 he leans over and a bottle (methadone) falls out of his pocket. I instantly saw it (would've bet money I seen his name on it) and said "what is that?!" and he ran to the bathroom, ripped off the sticker with the name on it and came out and explained that he bought it off this one guy.... THE SAME GUY WHO USED ME AND DITCHED ME AT PROM!! Of course that made me so completely furious, more mad than if he would've just told me the truth that he was back on the methadone (not using oxys), which he eventually told me that next spring.
2009-
So he went on lying daily saying he was sober and just slipped that one time and lying about his "job" when really he was going to the methadone clinic every day. One of my old friends died in February 2009 from overdosing on methadone and xanax. I encountered his mom at my work not long after and she opened my eyes to a completely different view of everything. She is an RN and explained to me about addiction and how we cannot hate addicts for what they do. She told me it was a disease and that their brain is chemically imbalanced, causing them to make irrational decisions. I know she doesn't know this because I haven't talked to her since but she has completely changed my life by that one short conversation we had.
I gave birth to my son in March 2009 and he was in my hospital room with me. I felt like everything was perfect because in my eyes it was. We just moved into an apartment together and now had a beautiful baby boy and both were living sober lives. WRONG. My son was born 3 1/2 weeks early (most likely from stress) so my baby shower was the next day. I wanted to attend it so I was planning on leaving that day. My ABF said he was going to drive to our apartment to grab some clean clothes and the car seat and he would be right back. He was gone for 2-3 hours. Our apartment was only 15 minutes from the hospital. I kept calling and calling. Eventually he showed up and apologized stating he fell asleep on the bed from being so tired. HELLO last I checked I was the one who gave birth to a baby just 24 hrs ago!!! It just wasn't a day I wanted to start an argument with him but later after finding a methadone ID card with a picture of him in his coat I just bought him for xmas, he admitted to everything.
As sick as it sounds I just couldn't leave him. He wasn't doing anything but what a doctor prescribed him. Yeah he lied to me for an entire year but I brainwashed myself into thinking I could deal with it because I was so positive he would never cheat on me and I still had so much faith in him.
When my baby was 6 months old I had post-partum depression. I was 19 and saw all my friends going out partying, having fun, acting their age while I felt like I was 29. I was so confused, I loved this baby so so so much but I completely lost my childhood. I grew up so fast and was scared that I was now not only responsible for myself for once, but a baby too. I went to a party, the first one in 1 1/2 years, got drunk, and ended up cheating on my ABF. I was so sick of being with someone who I felt so disconnected to and instantly felt "special" that a guy who was a manager, not living with his parents, had a nice car, and didn't do drugs was interested in me. It sounds so stupid but I have felt like all I ever get are addict boyfriends and it makes me feel like I have no self worth because I can't even get a boyfriend who loves me, let alone himself. I will always always regret that night because even though that is the only disloyal thing I have ever done to my ABF, he will never let me hear the end of it.
Surprisingly a few months later (xmas 2009) my ABF proposed to me. I gladly said yes, but later gave him back the ring after I realized he would not be ready to marry me while he is using (even the methadone). I don't believe you can fully give your life to someone else if drugs is always first and in my eyes, his girlfriend's name was "Methadone" and I was just the side-girl.
He continued using methadone and attempted a few times to wean off of it but then claimed there was always something I did or said that would make him go back. I continued remaining sober.
2010-
We got an apartment together and life was PERFECT for almost an entire year. We rarely ever argued and had no stress besides the fact that he wanted to attend a rehab to get off methadone but couldn’t afford it. A year later, November 2010, we got into an argument and I ended up moving all of my stuff out of the apartment. I moved back in with my mom and took my son with me. My ABF was accusing me of cheating on him constantly and I had enough. He was very wishy-washy on whether he truly wanted treatment or not and that bothered me. I just wanted answers. I knew what I wanted in life and that was to be with someone who didn’t use drugs. I still had hope that he would one day live a sober life because that is what my instincts were telling me. My instincts were NEVER wrong with him, ever. If I had a bad feeling about something, I would check his phone records and sure enough just recently I would notice a drug dealer’s number... or I would drive by his work when he said he was working and his car wouldn’t be there. I still needed more reassurance because there were times I doubted my instincts so I would question whether he really wanted this or only I did. I was constantly doing research online trying to find facilities that could offer help to addicts and even making the calls and recording any financial aid they had. I was irritated he acted like he wanted sobriety so bad but I was doing all the work. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t doing all the research if he truly wanted this.
2011-
January 2011 he found out he could attend a rehab under his dad's insurance and it would be fully paid for. He attended a drug rehab at a behavioral health center that was pro-AA and pro-suboxone. He wanted to be completely sober from everything so he was there inpatient for detoxing off of methadone for 5 days. When he came home I made sure to take care of our son, do absolutely everything I could to avoid any triggers for him to relapse. I even attended AA meetings with him until one of the leaders told me I wasn't allowed to be there since I wasn't an addict... I was sober and had the desire to remain sober. I still don't understand how someone could turn you away from help and support, it was very therapeutic for me to be there. I definitely think I'm a LOVE addict but I'm still just learning what all of this is and why I do the things I do. So I stopped attending the meetings with him but he kept going alone.
I started nursing school in April, a month after he went to rehab. It’s a 12-month LPN program with 4 quarters. My main goal in becoming a nurse was so I could work at a behavioral health/drug rehab facility. The first day of school my teacher told me, “You cannot fix people, you can only educate them." After this I was so confused, this was why I wanted to get into nursing, I wanted to fix people!! NOW, I completely understand what she meant by that and it is so true! I felt so good about myself but ever since he went to rehab he has had this attitude that he is better than everyone else. Very cocky and not humble at all. He told me my first day of nursing school after getting into an argument that I shouldn’t even bother because I’m not going to finish and I’ll end up dropping out because it’s too hard. Then sends me a text that same night saying, “I don’t know why I do the things I do to you and say the things I say because honestly you are the nicest woman I’ve ever met, you would do anything for anybody... I am very verbally abusive I don’t know why when we get in an argument I say the things that hurt you most... you’re gonna do great at school and become a great nurse and our son is gonna look up to you... and regardless if we’re together don’t let what anyone says affect you in doing what you want to be, especially me...”. I don’t know when he is telling the truth or just telling me what I want to hear. I think he was just jealous I was making something out of myself and he wasn’t. I am used to him being verbally abusive to me but that was so completely out of line.
Eventually I learned he relapsed about a week after he got home by taking a percocet He then entered IOP and was prescribed suboxones. The way I found out was the same way when I found out he was taking methadone... the bottle fell out of his pocket. DEJA VU! He told me he lied because he knew I was against suboxone. Again, my fault right.... always my fault. Well I saw a bunch of game titles and my Harry Potter blu-ray set written on a paper. I became curious as to why that was written on the paper and I went to look for my blu-ray set specifically since I knew it was under the tv in the living room and of course it was gone!!!! I confronted him about it and he made up some lie about how he was going to clean and moved it or something, it doesn’t matter, it was a lie and I knew it was a lie.
He then admits to pawning it and he drove to go get our stuff back and came back and then just starts telling the truth about everything. But the thing I can never ever ever EVER forget is he told me he cheated on me a month ago right when he got out of rehab. WITH A GIRL FROM HIS PROGRAM!!!! and he was still in the program with her, I had to deal with knowing that he was going to see her every day. He apparently used my car to take her home from an AA meeting one time and she invited him inside to watch a movie and then he cheated on me. I’m crying about this right now because it is so hard for me to type this out, it’s almost like now I have to accept that it really did happen. AGAIN he is blaming me for the reason he cheated on me. He said since he’s been on drugs this whole time, he never fully dealt with me cheating on him almost 2 years ago prior. And now that he was sober he thought it would make him feel better or so he says.
I was so incredibly hurt. He’s lied to me, stole from me, did drugs behind my back, absolutely everything you could do to betray someone, but never did he cheat on me and that for some reason made it easier to accept the fact that the drugs were making him do all these things. Like I could always blame the drugs and now that he was “sober” (on suboxone) things were going to change. But he cheated on me after he got sober, what could I blame this on, now?! I would’ve bet my own life that he would never cheat on me, that was the one thing I was not naive to. I just felt like my life was over but we worked through it and I continued to do well in school.
My 2nd quarter of nursing school I find out I’m pregnant. I immediately stopped smoking cigarettes (I was smoking a pack a day) and eventually gave the rest of my pack to a friend. I did not drink after that day either. They said in an AA meeting that for addicts to be successful with sobriety they must quit for themselves. Any time I got pregnant, that baby was enough for me to quit for at least a year, with a only a few drinks a month when I went out with friends after my baby was born. It’s so hard for me to try to understand how someone can’t sacrifice everything for their child. I feel like they are choosing drugs/alcohol over their child and I think that’s why it’s so easy for people to hate addicts... much easier than trying understand the way they think and accept that things are different for addicts.
My ABF sent me a text the next day after finding out I was pregnant in August saying “I know I’m not like upset or n e thing I’m excited cuz I feel like last time I was f-ed up on methadone and stuff didn’t get to really experience (our son) being a newborn and now I’ll get to experience that sober and (our son) will be there helping me.” It was so reassuring until I later find out he has been snorting Percocets and Opanas since about July. It started with him selling his suboxones because his doctor was prescribing him 2 1/2 8mg tabs a day but he was trying to get off of it so weaned himself down to less than 1 a day, sometimes even just a 1/2. He told me he asked his doctor to lower the dose but it was never lowered so he had bottles and bottles filled with suboxones. His 40 yr old brother moved here over the summer after losing his house and going through a divorce. He is an addict (percocets) and alcoholic and told my ABF he wanted to get off the percs so my ABF started selling him (fronting him) his extra suboxones. It bothered me that he was selling his extra suboxones to people because that opened up a window of communication with users. I was right, apparently a guy he was selling to gave him a Percocet in exchange because he had no money. My ABF said he had it on him for a couple of days trying to sell it but ended up snorting it and after that he was back to those... daily. Then he was using Opanas when Percocets weren’t available. He only has about 5 suboxones left and even though he wanted to get off the Opanas and Percocets he couldn’t resist them for 3 days to stay clean so now he ruined his suboxone program and no longer gets it anymore. He is back on the street Opanas and Percs.
In October me and my ABF got into an argument. I'm sure the argument started because I was upset he agreed to watch his nephew tonight seeing as it was our only night this week to spend time together and his sister refuses to ever do any favors for us, but it somehow lead to him telling me I don't even want to be a mom... that I NEVER wanted to be a mom... that I would've gotten an abortion with my first son if it wasn't for people looking down upon it. "I see the way your mom treats (son's name) and the way you treat him. You don't wanna be a mom. You'd take it back if you could." There is no forgetting that, or taking that back. My son is the reason I'm even in nursing school right now. I work so incredibly hard in school, I have never worked so hard for something in my life. I do it all for my son, I want him to have his own bedroom, a backyard to play in, an annual trip to Disney World, everything I never had as a kid and he motivates me every day for that. As much as I've given up... weed, cigarettes, alcohol, pills, cocaine, and you're going to go and say that to me??!!! He was getting high every day snorting pills while I was pregnant, AND IS THIS PREGNANCY TOO!!!!
I took care of my son every single day of his life while my ABF was out getting high, but yet he can forget all about that. He told me once I have this baby that he wants me to go out and get f-ed up every single night so he can stay home with the baby himself. This was all before admitting to snorting pills again, I had just assumed he was on his suboxone. I continue to stay with him, hoping he will change but every argument makes me question my judgment more and more. I'm sure I'm soon going to question whether he is even right for me anymore, I just don't want to waste any more time wondering so I hope he either sets me off or straightens up real soon.
About a month later on my alcoholic dad’s 49th birthday, he ended up driving through a metal gate, over bushes, and through a fence. I received a text around 9pm asking if I could come pick him up so I thought he was just being responsible not wanting to drive. As I’m on my way to pick him up I get another text saying “I think I’m going to jail". I was so confused but when I got to the neighborhood his car was totalled and a cop was already there questioning him. I asked the cop what happened and he explained and then I saw all the damage. My dad was crying when he saw me, I could tell he was ashamed for what he did and at the time I didn’t realize I was being a codependent by doing all the things I did for him related to that incident. So instead I called the jail the next day on every break I had during school (I’m in school 32-36 hrs a wk) and finally they said he was sober enough to go home at 6pm. I drove up to the jail, (pregnant), waited in the cold on the curb in an alley for him to be released. I then was giving him rides to work and home daily, waking up an hour early for him. He said he was so embarrassed for what he did and said he needed to stay away from the bar for awhile. Needless to say, he has been getting taxi rides to the bar and home and has a co-worker drive him to the bar every day after work. He sits at the bar by himself and just drinks margaritas... never lets one get empty before another one’s there. I had a talk with the manager at the bar and he said “he was fine to drive” the night of his accident which he still is waiting to see what happens at court since this will be his 2nd DUI in 6 years.
While all this was going on I had to give my 19 yr old sister rides to school and home since she would share my dad’s car with him. I also found out has been snorting xanax. By the way she was talking after going to the ER for abdominal pain, it made her sound like a pill seeker. She was saying “wow vicodin, like that’s really gonna do anything for me, I need percocets.” and just the whole fact that it was going on for the past 3 days and she just decides to go to the ER at 3am one night. She sent me a few texts saying “I have f-ing anxiety problems I wanted to commit suicide the other night done even text me back” and “just shutup before i kill myself right now i just slipped in walgreens and busted my head on the f-ing tile floor stop texting me”. My sister and I have always been so close, best friends, but the drugs have been changing her. She NEVER would say something like that or threaten she was going to commit suicide. So I set her up with an appointment to get an assessment and a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist. She sent me a text after she left saying “they said they’re at maximum capacity for patients with chronic pain so they won’t give out any pills such as percocets, oxy, ativan, xanax, she named a bunch of $#1T and I told her I need medication. I’m not going there dude.” My sister gets migraines all of the time and was prescribed non-narcotics for her migraines but stopped taking all her pills because she got liver lesions. Now it just seems like all she cares about is trying to find a reason to get narcotics.
I felt so disconnected from everyone around me, and still do. My sister, ABF, and alcoholic dad were all going downhill and dragging me down too. I no longer give my dad rides anywhere anymore. He needs to deal with his consequences. I no longer give my sister rides anywhere, she has lied to me saying she doesn’t text my ABF for drugs but she does. My alcoholic dad will text my ABF asking him to take him to the drive and call my ABF’s mom to come pick him up from the bar or take him there. Also there were a few times my ABF would be driving him home from work and he would say “just drop me off at (bar name)”. I also have to deal with my ABF’s 40yr old alcoholic/possible addict brother leaving voicemails on my phone asking for my ABF to call him back because he needs a huge favor.... so when he does it turns out it’s for his pills or asking if he can get any because he hasn’t got his Tramadol script filled yet. AND he called my phone 3, 4, and 5am on a school night completely drunk demanding we come pick him up. I am pregnant I should not have to deal with this, it is so unhealthy for the baby and I know that I don’t purposely put myself in these situations but unless I move away and cut everyone out of my life I will always be surrounded by this.
Now, my ABF is back on methadone as of a few days ago, in order to save money until he finds a suboxone program since it is only $75/wk instead of the street drugs being $40/day. I am constantly being nosey and looking at his phone records daily and noticed his 1st and 2nd day of being on methadone again he was still calling and texting his drug dealer (for pills). It is a few hrs behind so I still don’t know what happened today if he has gotten any drugs but I am hoping that eventually I won’t have to worry about that. I am moving into my own apartment when I get my taxes back in February and bringing my son with me. I already told my ABF he will need to find a different place to stay like his mom’s, until he puts his kids first and becomes sober. As much as I would love for him to straighten up before the baby is born, I need to do what is best for myself and my kids. I have never really given him an ultimatum before and maybe it’s going to take losing everything to realize what’s most important and straighten up. Not all addicts are the same, but it’s worth a try and I know of a lot who had to lose everything before they could get sober.
My ABF sent me a text one day back in May stating this “I just thought after rehab it would be perfect cause I’m not really supposed to be drinking on suboxone let alone in the program. If i get caught I’m kicked out... and with you going to school I wanted to be off this **** when you’re done with school sooo I figured I just work my (butt) off and you go to school and we would just sacrifice everything for a year.” I thought rehab would make everything better too but honestly it has made everything worse and just tore us apart. I don’t get it, he was in the right mind frame, even set up his own appointment, found the place on his own and everything. HE did all the research, not me, and was so excited about it. But all it did was harm. He is now on methadone, back to the start where he was 4 years ago. If it wasn’t for rehab we would be in a better place and I can honestly say he would’ve never cheated on me. He always has an excuse for everything and nothing is ever his fault in his eyes.
I am starting my last quarter of nursing school next week and will graduate in March 2012. My baby’s due date is April 14th, 2012 and I’m having a boy. I’m anticipating now that I’ve caught up with my entire drug/alcohol surrounded life I can accept the past and move on. I love reading the threads on this website, it reminds me I’m not alone and makes me feel free to just let go all of the feelings I’ve had bottled up for years. I wish I would’ve found this website sooner but maybe I wasn’t ready to let go yet. I still have struggles with wanting to smoke weed or a cigarette and I constantly crave a beer but my sons are much more important than giving into temptation. I’m learning how my codependency affects others and how to stop trying to fix everyone. I will update with more threads as the days go on because I can never get too much advice. Thank you anyone who takes the time to glance at this and leave a post, it’s so nice to have support for once in my life. Getting everything off my chest is my way of starting off the NEW year. I’m not quite sure what God has in store for me but I know He won’t present me with anything I can’t handle. <3
I have stayed strong for almost 4 years now but just recently broke down and hit my rock-bottom as the girlfriend of an addict. I would label myself as a codependent/love addict/spouse of substance abuser/adult child of alcoholic parent. I read the threads from the appropriate categories but since this is my 1st post and I could've posted bits and pieces in multiple categories, I thought "Newcomers to Recovery" was the best place to start. I'm going to just get everything off my chest from the past 4 years since I've had to keep it inside for so long. So much has happened and I know this will be extremely long but I just need to let it out. I am not expecting anyone to read this entire thread so I tried to break it up into paragraphs. It's in order from 2007 til present. I started in 2007 because that was when I first noticed I was losing control of my life and today I am trying to finally gain control back. I just needed to type it all out so I can try to heal. Thank you in advance to anyone who leaves a post... advice, a comment, anything, it's just nice to know I finally found support and that I'm not alone!
2007-
It all started when I was in high school, I experimented with many drugs... weed, ecstacy, cocaine, oxycontin. The last few months of 12th grade (spring 2007) the drugs were starting to become a problem. I would snort about 10-20mg of oxycontin and looking back now I see that I had no idea what I was doing. I was nodding out in front of the computers and even remember snorting some before marching band practice!! I was a good student, rarely ever missed class, but somehow got caught up what all the "cool, popular, good-looking" guys were doing. It changed my personality so much, I am so ashamed of the relationships I had just because I was high.
I would use with this one guy in particular because he and my friend had an apartment together and it was always the perfect place for all our friends to come over and use at. I started having feelings for him and although I didn't use near as much as everyone else, I eventually started cashing my check from work and all of it would go straight to buying the pills for him that he claimed we would make money off of if we sold. Of course we always did em all, well HE did, and I would just get bumps here and there. I also let him borrow my car all the time. He came inside to my dad's house one night with me and while we were walking out to the car my dad accused him of taking a $50 bill off his table. I was so stupid and blind I believed him over my dad. About a month or two later while I was at work in the morning I get a voicemail from my dad saying his money and money clip is missing off the table. I had spent the night at that guy's apartment that night and slept on his couch. My friend told me while I was sleeping the guy took my keys out of my purse, drove my car to my dad's house, went inside while he was sleeping ON THE COUCH and stole it. Again, I didn't believe it. My dad is an alcoholic and he would always pass out on the couch and was a heavy sleeper but I just couldn't believe it.
Eventually when I hit my rock bottom the very first time, it was prom night and the guy ditched me. I got my hair done, had my dress on, was all ready to go but he was no where to be found. I was so completely depressed I will never forget that night because I almost shot up oxycontin, the first time I would've shot anything up. My other friend, who also snorted oxys, changed my mind and I am so so thankful for that. Of course I drank and used that night, it was my most depressed low I ever had. Months later I found out he also used my car to break into my best friend (non-user)'s house while I was at school and stole $1000s of dollars worth of stuff and even some priceless things. I'm actually surprised all this stuff keeps coming up, I completely forgot about a lot of it because I didn't want to remember it or even admit that part of me ever existed.
I met a guy a couple weeks later who would come to the apartment and use and we ended up starting to date (May 2007). We would use together and I spent many nights at his (parents') house with him in the same town I lived in. The summer went by and eventually I was about to start up college. I had been trying for about a month to get him to stop using the oxys because I stopped. I just didn't want that lifestyle anymore so I stopped using, it slowed down a lot when I started dating him and eventually stopped. I would have talks with his mom about it who would tell me to leave him but it was so hard because I felt they were family. It was very very hard but I just saw no hope in him and that was enough for me to break it off. I cried and cried and just wanted him back but knew I wasn't going to be happy with him as long as he was using.
So college started in August, the day after I broke up with him, and I completely messed that up. I was doing fine until I turned 18 that Fall. I discovered the clubs and went to tons of frat parties, get wasted, and wake up in a dorm after I already missed my morning classes. I also stopped going to work and lost my job because I didn't wake up after partying and drinking all night. I was using cocaine in the parking lots before walking into the clubs, it was a disaster. I was desperate for money and FINALLY got another job that fall/winter and loved it, I worked there for 2 1/2 years.
2008-
Even though I was on academic probation I signed up for more classes that Spring because I was still living at my parents and my mom expected me to stay in college. At this time I didn't use anything, I drank every once in awhile but I was back to my "normal" self and very at-peace. I met a guy who was my waiter at a restaurant in January 2008 and eventually got ahold of him through Myspace. We went to high school together but he is 2 yrs older and was very popular... we just didn't have the same friends. I didn't know much about him at all, I just was instantly attracted to him. We grabbed dinner, and rented some movies on our first date. He also lived in the same town as me with his parents as well so it was easy to spend every day with him. I don't really remember exactly how it got brought up but somehow he ended up saying he had a dr. appointment very early the next day. He then admitted it was at the methadone clinic (probably the only time he has ever been honest about his drug use). My heart dropped, I knew of the methadone clinic and I absolutely hated it, seeing how my friends that went would be passed out sitting up in the afternoon from such a high dose. It was hard for me to turn away from him even though the last thing I wanted was a relationship with another addict.
Two days later he invited me to a dinner with his entire extended family, which I attended. Even though it was so soon and rushed, it seemed so normal to me, that was the way I had always went about relationships, falling hard and fast. He explained that the reason he was on methadone is because he was addicted to oxycontin and wanted to become sober. Unlike my last boyfriend, I just felt like there was hope with this one. He knew it bothered me that he went to the methadone clinic but it was easier knowing his dose was smaller and he wasn't getting high like my old friends were. He even started asking if I would come with him since it was a drive and wanted company.
My parents have been divorced for over 10 years now and instead of switching days every day between my mom and dad I decided to move in with my dad. Most of the reason was because my dad was not strict whatsoever and let me get away with anything. He never even gave me any consequences for keeping alcohol in the fridge or sneaking out. I was going back and forth with my addict boyfriend sleeping at my dad's and his parents until he got into an argument with his parents and ended up moving in with me at my dad's.
I let school fall through and ended up on academic suspension because I just wasn't going to my classes. Instead of doing the partying I was just obsessed with spending all my time with my ABF. We occasionally smoked weed together over the next few months and used cocaine (which just wasn't the same as before) and I messed up so bad we used oxycontin together... WHYYYYYYYYYY?!!!
UGH i could cry about it to this day, that stupid drug is the devil. After those times I was done for good and 3 1/2 years later still haven't touched them.In July 2008 I found out I was pregnant... 18 and pregnant... I couldn't believe it! I was so scared and didn't know what to do but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I'm so glad I got pregnant because I truly believe it made me straighten my crap up. As fortunate as I was to have a pretty easy pregnancy and didn't use anything, even resisted caffeinated pop for most of my pregnancy, I was not so fortunate with the stress I had at home. Thankfully I was getting full-time hours at my work so I wasn't stressed for money, it was the stresses at home.
While I was growing up and making all these changes since I was going to be a mom in a few months, I had to watch my ABF and alcoholic dad use and drink daily. I had a long talk with my dad about how it upset me when he drank (beers at home every day) and how I couldn't even have a serious conversation with him because he was constantly drunk. I was very emotional, being pregnant, and this was the first time his drinking had bothered me.
He would try to pick me up from work after he had been drinking (he was always drinking) and I would refuse to get in the car with him. Then he would get mad because I told him I was going to walk home. He eventually let me drive home and he rode in the passenger seat but it was the same routine every time. My grandma (my dad's mom) lost 2 babies because of my grandpa's alcoholism. One was from a horrible car accident when my grandpa was drunk and my grandma was a pregnant passenger. The other was because my grandma asked my grandpa to drive her and the 2 week old baby to the hospital since it wasn't urinating on a regular basis but instead he drove to the bar. I even threatened him once the baby was born that he would never be able to babysit unless he stopped drinking. Needless to say, I stuck by my word and today my son is almost 3. He has watched my son under 5 times since he was born and NEVER overnight. I will always remember at the end of one of our conversations while I couldn't stop crying and pleading he stop drinking, he said, "This was a pretty intense conversation, do you mind if I get a beer?" completely serious about wanting the beer but making it all into a joke. That was when I knew for sure my dad was an alcoholic, and it's sad because my ABF does the same thing... turns a completely serious conversation into a joke.
At this same time, I found out that time me and my ABF used oxycontin together set everything off for him again and he was using on a daily basis. I went to the bank and noticed I had a bunch of unauthorized cash withdrawals off my credit card totalling over $600. My ABF was waiting in the car and as soon as the teller told me that and showed me the transactions I knew exactly what he did. Making him feel guilty did nothing, yelling at him did nothing, it didn't matter because the drugs were more important. With me being so young and only being with him for 6 months and carrying his baby it was hard for me to just kick him out. He eventually told me he weaned himself off the oxycontins and was completely sober. That's when more and more lies started, which I of course fell for.
He told me he found this job that pays hourly under the table to load crates on a truck and that they only need people for a few hrs each morning. I started questioning it and he asked if I wanted to come along too since it was $15/hr. Obviously I'm pregnant, I'm not going to load crates that he said weigh 30 lbs. He also said as an incentive to get people there daily they give out gas cards for people who work every day that week. I started getting more suspicious a few months later but then found a gas card on the ground in our room. I asked him what that was from and he said from his work... then a week later there was a restaurant card on the ground and he said "They ran out of gas cards so they had restaurant cards instead". I know, I know I'm an idiot for falling for that, he was just so convincing and paid me back my $600 for my credit card and never stole any money from me after that.
Then one day that winter 2008 he leans over and a bottle (methadone) falls out of his pocket. I instantly saw it (would've bet money I seen his name on it) and said "what is that?!" and he ran to the bathroom, ripped off the sticker with the name on it and came out and explained that he bought it off this one guy.... THE SAME GUY WHO USED ME AND DITCHED ME AT PROM!! Of course that made me so completely furious, more mad than if he would've just told me the truth that he was back on the methadone (not using oxys), which he eventually told me that next spring.
2009-
So he went on lying daily saying he was sober and just slipped that one time and lying about his "job" when really he was going to the methadone clinic every day. One of my old friends died in February 2009 from overdosing on methadone and xanax. I encountered his mom at my work not long after and she opened my eyes to a completely different view of everything. She is an RN and explained to me about addiction and how we cannot hate addicts for what they do. She told me it was a disease and that their brain is chemically imbalanced, causing them to make irrational decisions. I know she doesn't know this because I haven't talked to her since but she has completely changed my life by that one short conversation we had.
I gave birth to my son in March 2009 and he was in my hospital room with me. I felt like everything was perfect because in my eyes it was. We just moved into an apartment together and now had a beautiful baby boy and both were living sober lives. WRONG. My son was born 3 1/2 weeks early (most likely from stress) so my baby shower was the next day. I wanted to attend it so I was planning on leaving that day. My ABF said he was going to drive to our apartment to grab some clean clothes and the car seat and he would be right back. He was gone for 2-3 hours. Our apartment was only 15 minutes from the hospital. I kept calling and calling. Eventually he showed up and apologized stating he fell asleep on the bed from being so tired. HELLO last I checked I was the one who gave birth to a baby just 24 hrs ago!!! It just wasn't a day I wanted to start an argument with him but later after finding a methadone ID card with a picture of him in his coat I just bought him for xmas, he admitted to everything.
As sick as it sounds I just couldn't leave him. He wasn't doing anything but what a doctor prescribed him. Yeah he lied to me for an entire year but I brainwashed myself into thinking I could deal with it because I was so positive he would never cheat on me and I still had so much faith in him.
When my baby was 6 months old I had post-partum depression. I was 19 and saw all my friends going out partying, having fun, acting their age while I felt like I was 29. I was so confused, I loved this baby so so so much but I completely lost my childhood. I grew up so fast and was scared that I was now not only responsible for myself for once, but a baby too. I went to a party, the first one in 1 1/2 years, got drunk, and ended up cheating on my ABF. I was so sick of being with someone who I felt so disconnected to and instantly felt "special" that a guy who was a manager, not living with his parents, had a nice car, and didn't do drugs was interested in me. It sounds so stupid but I have felt like all I ever get are addict boyfriends and it makes me feel like I have no self worth because I can't even get a boyfriend who loves me, let alone himself. I will always always regret that night because even though that is the only disloyal thing I have ever done to my ABF, he will never let me hear the end of it.
Surprisingly a few months later (xmas 2009) my ABF proposed to me. I gladly said yes, but later gave him back the ring after I realized he would not be ready to marry me while he is using (even the methadone). I don't believe you can fully give your life to someone else if drugs is always first and in my eyes, his girlfriend's name was "Methadone" and I was just the side-girl.
He continued using methadone and attempted a few times to wean off of it but then claimed there was always something I did or said that would make him go back. I continued remaining sober.
2010-
We got an apartment together and life was PERFECT for almost an entire year. We rarely ever argued and had no stress besides the fact that he wanted to attend a rehab to get off methadone but couldn’t afford it. A year later, November 2010, we got into an argument and I ended up moving all of my stuff out of the apartment. I moved back in with my mom and took my son with me. My ABF was accusing me of cheating on him constantly and I had enough. He was very wishy-washy on whether he truly wanted treatment or not and that bothered me. I just wanted answers. I knew what I wanted in life and that was to be with someone who didn’t use drugs. I still had hope that he would one day live a sober life because that is what my instincts were telling me. My instincts were NEVER wrong with him, ever. If I had a bad feeling about something, I would check his phone records and sure enough just recently I would notice a drug dealer’s number... or I would drive by his work when he said he was working and his car wouldn’t be there. I still needed more reassurance because there were times I doubted my instincts so I would question whether he really wanted this or only I did. I was constantly doing research online trying to find facilities that could offer help to addicts and even making the calls and recording any financial aid they had. I was irritated he acted like he wanted sobriety so bad but I was doing all the work. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t doing all the research if he truly wanted this.
2011-
January 2011 he found out he could attend a rehab under his dad's insurance and it would be fully paid for. He attended a drug rehab at a behavioral health center that was pro-AA and pro-suboxone. He wanted to be completely sober from everything so he was there inpatient for detoxing off of methadone for 5 days. When he came home I made sure to take care of our son, do absolutely everything I could to avoid any triggers for him to relapse. I even attended AA meetings with him until one of the leaders told me I wasn't allowed to be there since I wasn't an addict... I was sober and had the desire to remain sober. I still don't understand how someone could turn you away from help and support, it was very therapeutic for me to be there. I definitely think I'm a LOVE addict but I'm still just learning what all of this is and why I do the things I do. So I stopped attending the meetings with him but he kept going alone.
I started nursing school in April, a month after he went to rehab. It’s a 12-month LPN program with 4 quarters. My main goal in becoming a nurse was so I could work at a behavioral health/drug rehab facility. The first day of school my teacher told me, “You cannot fix people, you can only educate them." After this I was so confused, this was why I wanted to get into nursing, I wanted to fix people!! NOW, I completely understand what she meant by that and it is so true! I felt so good about myself but ever since he went to rehab he has had this attitude that he is better than everyone else. Very cocky and not humble at all. He told me my first day of nursing school after getting into an argument that I shouldn’t even bother because I’m not going to finish and I’ll end up dropping out because it’s too hard. Then sends me a text that same night saying, “I don’t know why I do the things I do to you and say the things I say because honestly you are the nicest woman I’ve ever met, you would do anything for anybody... I am very verbally abusive I don’t know why when we get in an argument I say the things that hurt you most... you’re gonna do great at school and become a great nurse and our son is gonna look up to you... and regardless if we’re together don’t let what anyone says affect you in doing what you want to be, especially me...”. I don’t know when he is telling the truth or just telling me what I want to hear. I think he was just jealous I was making something out of myself and he wasn’t. I am used to him being verbally abusive to me but that was so completely out of line.
Eventually I learned he relapsed about a week after he got home by taking a percocet He then entered IOP and was prescribed suboxones. The way I found out was the same way when I found out he was taking methadone... the bottle fell out of his pocket. DEJA VU! He told me he lied because he knew I was against suboxone. Again, my fault right.... always my fault. Well I saw a bunch of game titles and my Harry Potter blu-ray set written on a paper. I became curious as to why that was written on the paper and I went to look for my blu-ray set specifically since I knew it was under the tv in the living room and of course it was gone!!!! I confronted him about it and he made up some lie about how he was going to clean and moved it or something, it doesn’t matter, it was a lie and I knew it was a lie.
He then admits to pawning it and he drove to go get our stuff back and came back and then just starts telling the truth about everything. But the thing I can never ever ever EVER forget is he told me he cheated on me a month ago right when he got out of rehab. WITH A GIRL FROM HIS PROGRAM!!!! and he was still in the program with her, I had to deal with knowing that he was going to see her every day. He apparently used my car to take her home from an AA meeting one time and she invited him inside to watch a movie and then he cheated on me. I’m crying about this right now because it is so hard for me to type this out, it’s almost like now I have to accept that it really did happen. AGAIN he is blaming me for the reason he cheated on me. He said since he’s been on drugs this whole time, he never fully dealt with me cheating on him almost 2 years ago prior. And now that he was sober he thought it would make him feel better or so he says.
I was so incredibly hurt. He’s lied to me, stole from me, did drugs behind my back, absolutely everything you could do to betray someone, but never did he cheat on me and that for some reason made it easier to accept the fact that the drugs were making him do all these things. Like I could always blame the drugs and now that he was “sober” (on suboxone) things were going to change. But he cheated on me after he got sober, what could I blame this on, now?! I would’ve bet my own life that he would never cheat on me, that was the one thing I was not naive to. I just felt like my life was over but we worked through it and I continued to do well in school.
My 2nd quarter of nursing school I find out I’m pregnant. I immediately stopped smoking cigarettes (I was smoking a pack a day) and eventually gave the rest of my pack to a friend. I did not drink after that day either. They said in an AA meeting that for addicts to be successful with sobriety they must quit for themselves. Any time I got pregnant, that baby was enough for me to quit for at least a year, with a only a few drinks a month when I went out with friends after my baby was born. It’s so hard for me to try to understand how someone can’t sacrifice everything for their child. I feel like they are choosing drugs/alcohol over their child and I think that’s why it’s so easy for people to hate addicts... much easier than trying understand the way they think and accept that things are different for addicts.
My ABF sent me a text the next day after finding out I was pregnant in August saying “I know I’m not like upset or n e thing I’m excited cuz I feel like last time I was f-ed up on methadone and stuff didn’t get to really experience (our son) being a newborn and now I’ll get to experience that sober and (our son) will be there helping me.” It was so reassuring until I later find out he has been snorting Percocets and Opanas since about July. It started with him selling his suboxones because his doctor was prescribing him 2 1/2 8mg tabs a day but he was trying to get off of it so weaned himself down to less than 1 a day, sometimes even just a 1/2. He told me he asked his doctor to lower the dose but it was never lowered so he had bottles and bottles filled with suboxones. His 40 yr old brother moved here over the summer after losing his house and going through a divorce. He is an addict (percocets) and alcoholic and told my ABF he wanted to get off the percs so my ABF started selling him (fronting him) his extra suboxones. It bothered me that he was selling his extra suboxones to people because that opened up a window of communication with users. I was right, apparently a guy he was selling to gave him a Percocet in exchange because he had no money. My ABF said he had it on him for a couple of days trying to sell it but ended up snorting it and after that he was back to those... daily. Then he was using Opanas when Percocets weren’t available. He only has about 5 suboxones left and even though he wanted to get off the Opanas and Percocets he couldn’t resist them for 3 days to stay clean so now he ruined his suboxone program and no longer gets it anymore. He is back on the street Opanas and Percs.
In October me and my ABF got into an argument. I'm sure the argument started because I was upset he agreed to watch his nephew tonight seeing as it was our only night this week to spend time together and his sister refuses to ever do any favors for us, but it somehow lead to him telling me I don't even want to be a mom... that I NEVER wanted to be a mom... that I would've gotten an abortion with my first son if it wasn't for people looking down upon it. "I see the way your mom treats (son's name) and the way you treat him. You don't wanna be a mom. You'd take it back if you could." There is no forgetting that, or taking that back. My son is the reason I'm even in nursing school right now. I work so incredibly hard in school, I have never worked so hard for something in my life. I do it all for my son, I want him to have his own bedroom, a backyard to play in, an annual trip to Disney World, everything I never had as a kid and he motivates me every day for that. As much as I've given up... weed, cigarettes, alcohol, pills, cocaine, and you're going to go and say that to me??!!! He was getting high every day snorting pills while I was pregnant, AND IS THIS PREGNANCY TOO!!!!
I took care of my son every single day of his life while my ABF was out getting high, but yet he can forget all about that. He told me once I have this baby that he wants me to go out and get f-ed up every single night so he can stay home with the baby himself. This was all before admitting to snorting pills again, I had just assumed he was on his suboxone. I continue to stay with him, hoping he will change but every argument makes me question my judgment more and more. I'm sure I'm soon going to question whether he is even right for me anymore, I just don't want to waste any more time wondering so I hope he either sets me off or straightens up real soon.
About a month later on my alcoholic dad’s 49th birthday, he ended up driving through a metal gate, over bushes, and through a fence. I received a text around 9pm asking if I could come pick him up so I thought he was just being responsible not wanting to drive. As I’m on my way to pick him up I get another text saying “I think I’m going to jail". I was so confused but when I got to the neighborhood his car was totalled and a cop was already there questioning him. I asked the cop what happened and he explained and then I saw all the damage. My dad was crying when he saw me, I could tell he was ashamed for what he did and at the time I didn’t realize I was being a codependent by doing all the things I did for him related to that incident. So instead I called the jail the next day on every break I had during school (I’m in school 32-36 hrs a wk) and finally they said he was sober enough to go home at 6pm. I drove up to the jail, (pregnant), waited in the cold on the curb in an alley for him to be released. I then was giving him rides to work and home daily, waking up an hour early for him. He said he was so embarrassed for what he did and said he needed to stay away from the bar for awhile. Needless to say, he has been getting taxi rides to the bar and home and has a co-worker drive him to the bar every day after work. He sits at the bar by himself and just drinks margaritas... never lets one get empty before another one’s there. I had a talk with the manager at the bar and he said “he was fine to drive” the night of his accident which he still is waiting to see what happens at court since this will be his 2nd DUI in 6 years.
While all this was going on I had to give my 19 yr old sister rides to school and home since she would share my dad’s car with him. I also found out has been snorting xanax. By the way she was talking after going to the ER for abdominal pain, it made her sound like a pill seeker. She was saying “wow vicodin, like that’s really gonna do anything for me, I need percocets.” and just the whole fact that it was going on for the past 3 days and she just decides to go to the ER at 3am one night. She sent me a few texts saying “I have f-ing anxiety problems I wanted to commit suicide the other night done even text me back” and “just shutup before i kill myself right now i just slipped in walgreens and busted my head on the f-ing tile floor stop texting me”. My sister and I have always been so close, best friends, but the drugs have been changing her. She NEVER would say something like that or threaten she was going to commit suicide. So I set her up with an appointment to get an assessment and a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist. She sent me a text after she left saying “they said they’re at maximum capacity for patients with chronic pain so they won’t give out any pills such as percocets, oxy, ativan, xanax, she named a bunch of $#1T and I told her I need medication. I’m not going there dude.” My sister gets migraines all of the time and was prescribed non-narcotics for her migraines but stopped taking all her pills because she got liver lesions. Now it just seems like all she cares about is trying to find a reason to get narcotics.
I felt so disconnected from everyone around me, and still do. My sister, ABF, and alcoholic dad were all going downhill and dragging me down too. I no longer give my dad rides anywhere anymore. He needs to deal with his consequences. I no longer give my sister rides anywhere, she has lied to me saying she doesn’t text my ABF for drugs but she does. My alcoholic dad will text my ABF asking him to take him to the drive and call my ABF’s mom to come pick him up from the bar or take him there. Also there were a few times my ABF would be driving him home from work and he would say “just drop me off at (bar name)”. I also have to deal with my ABF’s 40yr old alcoholic/possible addict brother leaving voicemails on my phone asking for my ABF to call him back because he needs a huge favor.... so when he does it turns out it’s for his pills or asking if he can get any because he hasn’t got his Tramadol script filled yet. AND he called my phone 3, 4, and 5am on a school night completely drunk demanding we come pick him up. I am pregnant I should not have to deal with this, it is so unhealthy for the baby and I know that I don’t purposely put myself in these situations but unless I move away and cut everyone out of my life I will always be surrounded by this.
Now, my ABF is back on methadone as of a few days ago, in order to save money until he finds a suboxone program since it is only $75/wk instead of the street drugs being $40/day. I am constantly being nosey and looking at his phone records daily and noticed his 1st and 2nd day of being on methadone again he was still calling and texting his drug dealer (for pills). It is a few hrs behind so I still don’t know what happened today if he has gotten any drugs but I am hoping that eventually I won’t have to worry about that. I am moving into my own apartment when I get my taxes back in February and bringing my son with me. I already told my ABF he will need to find a different place to stay like his mom’s, until he puts his kids first and becomes sober. As much as I would love for him to straighten up before the baby is born, I need to do what is best for myself and my kids. I have never really given him an ultimatum before and maybe it’s going to take losing everything to realize what’s most important and straighten up. Not all addicts are the same, but it’s worth a try and I know of a lot who had to lose everything before they could get sober.
My ABF sent me a text one day back in May stating this “I just thought after rehab it would be perfect cause I’m not really supposed to be drinking on suboxone let alone in the program. If i get caught I’m kicked out... and with you going to school I wanted to be off this **** when you’re done with school sooo I figured I just work my (butt) off and you go to school and we would just sacrifice everything for a year.” I thought rehab would make everything better too but honestly it has made everything worse and just tore us apart. I don’t get it, he was in the right mind frame, even set up his own appointment, found the place on his own and everything. HE did all the research, not me, and was so excited about it. But all it did was harm. He is now on methadone, back to the start where he was 4 years ago. If it wasn’t for rehab we would be in a better place and I can honestly say he would’ve never cheated on me. He always has an excuse for everything and nothing is ever his fault in his eyes.
I am starting my last quarter of nursing school next week and will graduate in March 2012. My baby’s due date is April 14th, 2012 and I’m having a boy. I’m anticipating now that I’ve caught up with my entire drug/alcohol surrounded life I can accept the past and move on. I love reading the threads on this website, it reminds me I’m not alone and makes me feel free to just let go all of the feelings I’ve had bottled up for years. I wish I would’ve found this website sooner but maybe I wasn’t ready to let go yet. I still have struggles with wanting to smoke weed or a cigarette and I constantly crave a beer but my sons are much more important than giving into temptation. I’m learning how my codependency affects others and how to stop trying to fix everyone. I will update with more threads as the days go on because I can never get too much advice. Thank you anyone who takes the time to glance at this and leave a post, it’s so nice to have support for once in my life. Getting everything off my chest is my way of starting off the NEW year. I’m not quite sure what God has in store for me but I know He won’t present me with anything I can’t handle. <3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
I read your post. I feel compelled to tell you that you are doing what is right for you -- moving on with your live, living sober, raising children in a sober environment and putting you and your children before addiction.
It will not be easy, but it will be the single thing you do now that when your children are grown you will look back upon and be truly grateful for your determination.
Addiction is an evil disease. It wants all we have, even our loved ones.
Do find help with others in your shoes, through any number of programs for those whose lives have been affected by addiction.
you may want to consider getting legal help to ensure that your ABF supports the children.
Your courage inspires me.
It will not be easy, but it will be the single thing you do now that when your children are grown you will look back upon and be truly grateful for your determination.
Addiction is an evil disease. It wants all we have, even our loved ones.
Do find help with others in your shoes, through any number of programs for those whose lives have been affected by addiction.
you may want to consider getting legal help to ensure that your ABF supports the children.
Your courage inspires me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,316
I know it's hard, but I think moving on is absolutely the right thing to do too imisswhatwehad.
Welcome to Newcomers - congratulations on your pregnancy - and thanks for sharing your story with us
D
Welcome to Newcomers - congratulations on your pregnancy - and thanks for sharing your story with us
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!! I, too, fit in quite a few forums, and have found support no matter where I post.
Congratulations on your baby boy!! Taking care of you and your son is a win-win situation, and though it's hard to move on, it does get easier.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Congratulations on your baby boy!! Taking care of you and your son is a win-win situation, and though it's hard to move on, it does get easier.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 156
I also read every word, and am struck by your generous and forgiving nature. You seem like someone who would do most anything to help someone in need.
In fact, you remind me of my mother who is the kindest person I know. But sometimes while helping others she is hurting herself.
You put your son before you, and for many years also your father, ABF, etc. I say: its time to be "selfish" and put yourself first. Do what's best for you. It seems you have a plan to do that soon. Stick with it!!
My mom had my sister when she was 18, and another child not long after. Many years later she gets a kick out of people making derogatory comments about young mothers. She's such a kind and successful person no one would put her in that category.
Stay committed to your goals, keep only supportive and honest people in your life and you'll get there!!!
In fact, you remind me of my mother who is the kindest person I know. But sometimes while helping others she is hurting herself.
You put your son before you, and for many years also your father, ABF, etc. I say: its time to be "selfish" and put yourself first. Do what's best for you. It seems you have a plan to do that soon. Stick with it!!
My mom had my sister when she was 18, and another child not long after. Many years later she gets a kick out of people making derogatory comments about young mothers. She's such a kind and successful person no one would put her in that category.
Stay committed to your goals, keep only supportive and honest people in your life and you'll get there!!!
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