SoCalDude

Bah, day 15 and I fooled myself into thinking I could have a glass of wine and be a normal drinker. WRONG.. I feel so disappointed with myself, but on the other hand, I didn't 'enjoy' drinking this time, like I used to.. I used to wake up feeling great from the sugars in the alcohol, I would get through my day and be back to drinking at 5:30... this time, I had the wine last night, and polished off a bottle with a friend.. I didn't wake up feeling refreshed, I woke up feeling like failure, and a huge sense of regret. I think my body and mind is finally telling me it doesn't want to continue drinking.. it is finally telling me that even though I can have a drink, it really isn't what I want, and it isn't the same fun feeling it used to be..

Back at day 1 again with a stronger resolve to quit.. I want to get through this and be back to normal life again. Alcohol, I hate you, but I WILL beat you! I'm leaving the drinking in 2011, and going into 2012 as a recovering soul..

DarrenW

What happened with the legal issue (ambien related)? You seem to be playing a serious game of poker with all the possible family and law repurcussions, etc.

Good luck. You are very positive presence on this board so I would hate to see you fall lower than you were a couple of weeks ago.

SoCalDude

I had a drink because the family is out of town.. I thought it would be ok to do, just relax and have one with a friend.. I kind of knew I was setting myself up for failure. The entire time I was drinking, I was thinking, "Jeez, what am I doing?" I really didn't enjoy it, I actually felt like I was betraying myself..

On the ambien thing, it is going to be Feb before I hear anything back... And you are very right, I'm definitely playing a game of poker each time I decide it is ok to have a glass... And I have a major losing hand.. I just keep telling myself that I can win with it... I'm ready to turn my cards in and be dealt a new hand.. the only way to do that is to just stop.. My old friend alcohol, I'm realizing, was never my friend...

him

so cal dude, dont beat yourself too hard.. we have all relapsed, most of us can relate, but now is the time to focus and remain sober, time to think of what you really want in life and choose life .. i know it sounds corny, but id rather live than have this take ahold of my life. ur here and we all learn from our mistakes. keep coming back..

Gerbosko

Making excuses doesn't help quit drinking, SoCalDude. Excuses to an alcoholic are there so we can provide ourselves with completely "valid" reasons to drink. We keep on making excuses and our excuse list keeps on growing...and growing...and growing...and growing.....

sobersloan

The question is what do you do now?!!

Anna

I'm glad you're back and I hope that you have learned from the experience.

ovrock

Dee74

welcome back SCD

After the events of 2011, I think it's great you're making 2012 a year of recovery
Have you any concrete plans to help make that happen?

D

DarrenW

i am pulling for you. Like I mentioned...you are a very, very good presence on this forum. I always notice your posts. You can do it...and like others have said, dont beat yourself up about it. You are back here and have been honest...those are big steps. Good luck man!

SoCalDude

I do! Don't drink! haha...

SoCalDude

I totally agree with the excuses part, they are just that, excuses... I don't need this bottle in my life anymore, and I'm not making excuses anymore. 2012 is going to be a great one, and I'm going into it sober, just how I plan to spend the entire year.

SoCalDude

I know I know.... man I hate this stuff!

1undone

You tried it, once again it sucked, so be it. Keep on going. New year, new day.... Hang in there and keep your eye on the prizes.

SoCalDude

It's crazy, the feeling I had this time.. I just really wasn't into drinking... before it used to relax me and I was the quiet drunk that just drifted off to sleep peacefully.. this time is was a different story, I was hating every drink, every sip, like I knew I was cheating on myself with this dirty drink... I hate to say it, but I actually like having that feeling, it's a new sensation to 'hate' the bottle...

1undone

Same thing happened to me. But we still forget and will still think we can try only to have the same bad outcome. Just remember that. I learned a lot this year. Tough night for me but I won't be drinking either.

SoCalDude

Sounds like a plan I had so many invites to parties tonight, one group even rented a party bus.. but I really just want to slide peacefully into 2012..

Gerbosko

I like your confidence . Wishing you the best.

InsertNameHere

Its a change in your personal perception IMO once you realized that it was bad for you instead of taking every drink and your subconsious going "come on buzz", it was saying "wait a effin second I thought we were done with this". At least that is what I see in your post. You know what you gotta do it seems, so good on you. I am sure you are like me and looking forward to being able to state this time next year that you haven't taken a single drink in 2012.

INH

PS: Just thought of a great idea for a smiley that I wanted to put on here, there needs to be one with the smiley getting on a horse!

Itchy

Dude! I mean Duuuuude!

Ok you're back. Do it!