awife2010

I think the fact that I'm even here on this forum can answer my question. But I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. or maybe I'm being an enabler. I need some of you seasoned family members to give me advice as I am obviously new to this.

My sweet husband isn't a raging alcoholic. He's not dropping tons of cash on booze or drinking 10 to 20 beers a night. He doesn't beat me when he's drunk (although he can be a total ass).

We even have a pretty great marriage when drinking isn't involved. He is so kind and loving. He works very hard at work and is driven there. He tries to please me by doing a few things around the house and occassionally works out.

He IS hiding alcohol from me. Not a beer here and there. But bottles of whiskey. In his car. I find receipts for tall boy beers at 12 p.m. from when he is on his lunch break.

He has gained substantial weight (40 # in the last year) and is SO lazy. All he wants to do after a 'hard day at the office' is come home and have a few drinks and watch TV. He doesn't clean unless I'm basically begging or made him feel guilty about it.

I, on the other hand, work full time, go to school full time, teach bootcamp/fitness classes, and workout. My passion is fitness, my hobby is running. I get off work after sitting at acomputer all day (just like him) and DO not want to look at a TV or computer at all.

But I digress...

Let me back track a little with our story first. We met in college- where binge drinking was 'normal'. Our senior year the drinking just got to be too much for me. I confronted him about it and he justified it by the old saying "well everyone else is doing it" and it'd end after college.

I truly believed things would change when we graduated and moved away to get married.

He proposed, we started planning a wedding and a few weeks later he got a DWI. I was sitting (equally as drunk) right next to him in the car. They took him to jail. He cried, I cried. We told our families. It was a sad and embarrassing day. I thought that this would wake him up, you know? Maybe after a DWI he'd slow down drinking. I for one, was totally for that.

I think this is when the hiding of alcohol began. There was 6 months between college and the wedding that he lived at home with his parents who never drink.

Then he married me, who thought he was too smart to drink like he used to.

And he reacted to the situation.

Like I said before, I would find receipts and empty bottles or suspect he was a little 'buzzed'. We'd get in a fight. He'd blame me-- if i wasn't so controlling or so narrow minded about alcohol there wouldnt be an issue. He (has said) its my attitude about drinking that is causing him to do these things. Or that I have unrealistic expectations about what alcohol is.

Now I don't believe this crock of bull. It's not my fault he drinks. It's not my fault he can't have just A glass of wine or just ONE beer. He can go a few days (to my knowledge) without alcohol but he can never just enjoy a drink. It's always to get drunk.

The final blow came a couple nights ago. He was having a few friends over to play poker and I needed to take his car to yoga. He freaked out about me taking it. He was acting very childish and offered to take me to my car so I could drive my own car to yoga. Something was fishy.

In the passenger seat was a funnel to a flask. I asked and he said "oh I just found it under the seat, I was gunna throw it away"

Then I heard glass clinking. I knew immediately there was a bottle under the seat and so did he. I left in a fury succeding in making him feel like a complete loser. I was about ready to punch him in the face but I figured the less I said, the better. (I did say a few "are you kidding me?" "i'm disgusted with you" and some other condensending statements that I probably shouldn't have said)

He sent me a text that said I'm sorry, I'm ashamed of myself. I should have left it at that but I replied "if you're drinking tonight, you are not sorry or ashamed"

Well I got home from yoga 2 hours later and guess who was smashed? Yup. He knew I was mad. He was torn between acting like an ass (to prove he did nothing wrong and make me feel like I was to blame) or having a pity party for himself.

I hadn't talked to him in almost a full day when he text me to say he was going to AA that night (this was last night).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm glad he went. I'm glad he wants to go.

But is he really an alcoholic?
Is he going to go to these meetings with people who are deep into alcoholism and come home thinking he doesn't have an issue? Is this going to drive him to hide alcohol from me more?

He's by no means at "rock bottom"... things could be a hell of a lot worse.

It's obvious there is alcohol abuse going on. But is AA the right answer?

He is being really weird with me right now. Quiet, sad, kind of mean. I feel like he is very bitter and resentful towards me.

Please help me. I don't know how to be supportive. I only know how to be angry at him and sad that I'm at this point.

catlovermi

Let's say there's no such word as "alcoholic." Just pretend there's no such word, for a moment.

He does what he does with alcohol. It affects you how it does.

He doesn't want to change. You don't want to live this way.

That leaves the ball in your court. Al-Anon is a great place for loved ones of problem drinkers to get support - they are free and in nearly every local community.

There is no need to determine if he's "truly" an alcoholic, or not, really.


CLMI

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.

I encourage you to read some of the stickies (older, permanent posts) at the top of the forum pages. Some of our stories are in those posts. I am always finding wisdom in the stickies from members who have already walked the same path I am walking.

One of the first things I learned here was the three C's of alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it

The alcoholism belongs to the addict.

I needed to focus on my needs and how to make healthy, lasting decisions. This is a link to a sticky that contains steps to help loved ones while living with alcoholism. These steps helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

tjp613

AA is not a room-ful of people "deep into alcoholism". They are filled with people who have a desire to stop drinking. You would be very surprised to see and hear the wide variety of experiences in the rooms of AA. The one thing these people have in common is that alcohol has caused problems in their lives. I would venture to say that your husband is a very average joe in comparison. Feel free to attend an open meeting and see for yourself.

Whether or not AA is "the right answer" is for him to determine. The best thing you can do is express your pride and gratitude that he thinks enough of himself, you and your marriage to take these first steps. Beyond that, it's up to him.

awife2010

you're all right.

There's so many unknown things and fears and questions. I have no idea how to handle this.

Thanks for the advice. I know we have a long road ahead of us but he's taking a step in the right direction. I'll continue to come here for advice on how to support him.

It's very hard balancing my selfish reactional emotions (anger, disappointment, etc.) and what he needs from me (support, love, encouragement)

I don't understand alcoholism yet. I understand that it's a disease but I need to change how I view it. (i.e. Why can't he just stop?!) But I know it's not that easy.

The three C's are a good affrimation to repeat if I start to get upset.

OhBoy

I hope you continue to come here for advice on how to help yourself. When I realized that I was the one that needed support it was more beneficial to both me & my AW & lightened the load significantly. Sorry your having to deal with this, but keep posting, it has helped me.

Eddiebuckle

Of course he's being weird, sad, and resentful towards you. He feels that he has to choose between alcohol and you, and alcohol gives him moments of peace and a sense of "all is right in the world" that nothing else does, not even your marriage. And you are the one who is forcing him to make this choice.

So, hell yes he's probably an alcoholic, because that's the way the world occurs to an active alcoholic. If he wasn't, he simply would stop drinking in response to these events. The sad truth is, he won't stop drinking until he decides to do it for himself. It's possible that these recent events are enough for him to come to that conclusion, but that's not often the case.

I will leave the Al-anon details to those that understand it first hand, but I really think you should look into it.

awife2010

yep- I need to go to an al-anon meeting. There is one close by on Monday night.

I've just been in denial about him being an alcoholic. I've been trying to justify it to myself like, he's right everyone we know does drink this much, so it must be okay and maybe I do have unrealistic views about drinking. Then I doa little reality check about him hiding it and getting drunk so often.

I almost typed: not all the time, but still a lot. << another justification.

bleh. i'm working on this.

onlythetruth

Your husband clearly has a problem with alcohol and from the behavior you describe it appears that he is dependent on it (i.e. an alcoholic).

Whether or not AA is the answer is up to your husband. As someone who quit drinking 13+ years ago following a 25 year addiction, I can tell you that AA helps some people, but others do not find that it is helpful to them. Therefore, that your expectations surrounding your husband would be more appropriately focused on his behavior, not what recovery program he goes to.

As for yourself, the situation is similar with Al-Anon. Many people love it; others don't. You should check it out and see how you feel. Also, if you're interested, SMART Recovery, which is a non-faith-based recovery program, has a Family and Friends forum on its website and one F&F meeting online every week.

Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention

stilllearning

I'm a recovering alcoholic and while I can't say whether your husband is "really" an alcoholic, I do know that hiding alcohol from loved ones and drinking at lunch aren't normal, healthy behaviours.

I thought about this over Christmas - I used to hide empty bottles when people came over and would even go out in the dead of night to dispose of them in other people's trash cans. Looking back, this behaviour is utterly, utterly bizarre - but that was my life.

I also dated an alcoholic after I got sober and the question for you isn't really whether he's an alcoholic. It's whether you are willing to ride it out as the resentment, bitterness, health effects and bizarre behaviour get worse.

There is nothing that you can do about his disease - if AA works for him, that's fantastic. But your best bet will be to try to take your focus off his alcoholism, if you can. What do you need? What are you willing to accept?

Wanting to support someone is wonderful but it's impossible to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic without needing support yourself. Al-anon changed my life - every bit as much as AA, actually.

Remember: one well person is better than two sick people. You can only control your own healing and that's a great place to start.

SL

Justfor1

Yes he is an alcoholic. Normal drinkers do not have a funnel attached to a flask in their automobiles. There are different stages of alcoholism. He will find a range of people wanting to stop in AA. AA is not filled with the "skid row bum" drinkers that people sometimes think.

awife2010

Wow anvillhead. that was profound for me.
I was viewing it as OUR battle. not his alone.
Thanks

onlythetruth

No...recovery is an inside job: his. His decision, not only whether to do it, but how to do it.

Eight Ball

Hi awife 2010,

My AH wasn't a ranging alcoholic either, he was what I classed as a functioning alcoholic, although I dont like that term as some areas of his life (his marriage) he certainly wasn't functioning. My AH of 23yrs worked very hard all his life, he worked whilst I studied further education for a degree and when we were both working he did much more around the home than me. He was great when sober and Sunday mornings were probably my favourite times with him, when he was still relatively sober and we went out for brunch together. He was also very loving and caring - sometimes!

He drank beer every day and went through about 24- 48 bottles a week. Drinking beer made him very sleepy and he would be falling asleep early in the evening and this left me feeling very lonely. If I ever mentioned the drinking or the spending, then he would get 'nasty' (verbally abusive) and pretty quickly the conversation would be turned around and I would become the focus. I was boring, lazy, spent money on my hair etc. I began to shutdown with him and we talked less and less.

I got pretty obsessed with his drinking and would count the number of beers left in his beer fridge. I also kept an excel spreadsheet of the money he spent on beer. I was suffering from stress and anxiety and would get nervous coming home from work wondering what mood he would be in. Loving him, sleepy him, angry him - I was never too sure and that made me edgy. During a particularly nasty row about his drinking, he told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didn't like it I could leave. I coudnt believe that he was going to choose beer over a 23yr marriage and was pretty distraught.

Thats when I found Al-anon, SR and got myself some therapy. 18 months later, I still loved him but I chose to leave. I came to realise that I was important and that my life was important. I had been making myself ill worrying about his drinking. I honestly thought that my husbands drinking would end up killing me!

Through Al-anon, SR and therapy I have made myself well again (still getting better everyday). I know now that the life that I had with my 'functioning, non raging' alcoholic wasn't normal and was making me unhealthy in mind, body and soul. What made it hard and what made me stay for far too long, was telling myself that my AH was good most of the time, that he was functioning. I stuck around through the bad times waiting for the good times.

Since leaving, my AH has found his bottom and has gotten sober. He has been sober now for about 7 months and is working hard at staying that way. We still live separately but spend weekends together and have a date night mid week. I really have nothing to do with his recovery, he is taking care of that by himself. He knows that he will only have himself to blame if he starts drinking again and is very careful about protecting his sobriety. He is taking responsibility for himself and tells me about how good he feels about that. He is forced to face lifes problems sober and is gaining so much out of life being able to do that, his pride is returning.

Al-anon, SR and therapy has taught me to take care of myself. I feel healthier, I realise now how unhealthy I had become living with an active problem drinker (alcoholic), some of the things I did or put up with are embarrassing to me. I know when I need to do more work on myself and that is a good thing. I will no longer live with an active alcoholic, my husband knows this, he wants to be with me, wants a lifetime with me and so he is happy to do what it takes - we both are.

I greatly suggest that you try al-anon for yourself and even get some personal therapy. I found a therapist who had experience with alcoholism and that made all the difference with me. She could talk the talk and seemed to understand the problems we (loved ones) faced when up against an active alcoholic. A lot of the work we did together helped me regain my self esteem and see myself as an important person who was worthy of having a happy, healthy life and that even 'love for someone' shouldn't get in the way of that.

Keep visiting SR, keep reading and get yourself some books on the subject (you will find many suggestions on SR). Reaching SR was the starting point for my recovery, hopefully it will be yours too.

bless5

Eight Ball - I think you are living my double life. Great advise and it works!!! My RAH is sober three years~

NYCDoglvr

I think the person you described is an alcoholic. Alcoholics have a compulsion, an obsession, to drink despite catastrophic consequences. Perhaps they haven't happened yet, but they invariably do. Alcoholism is also a progressive disease. Hope you get the help you need here.