MsGrace

We met. He told me he'd been sober 13 years. He was polite, generous, stable (10 year) work history, had savings and money in the bank, thoughtful, funny smart as a whip. My dream man! I took his 13 year stable history as evidence enough that he'd somehow beat the odds of the disease of alcoholism.

Yes, there were some "pink flags" along the way. VERY low tolerance for the slightest hassles of day to day life. Things that a normie would just take in stride easily. VERY thin skinned: very quick to become defensive on the very slightest perception of a criticism. Then 4 years later...all hell breaks loose...off the deep end crazy late night rants, two overdoses and two days spent in the ER, 6 weeks in a mental health rehab "stress disorder". Yeah right! Alcoholism disorder! Now he's got full latitude to say "I have a mental illness, need 12 medications a day...it's why I'm so crazy, and also, I feel better when I'm drinking. Then I discover the direct evidence of alcohol..he'd been drinking for at least months and months. Gave him an ultimatum: find ONGOING path to recovery, or you can't be here. He chose the latter. 5 years what had previously been my deliriously happy married life to a great man...he just drove away, leaving me baffled and heartbroken. Then I have two major surgeries (this is all in the last 3 months) I'm pretty tired, pretty traumatized. BUT with loving friends, Al Anon, a great therapist and a crack divorce attorney...I'm on my way back.

We used to spend Christmas with some friends of ours in another state...who are very wealthy and very generous with their abundance. AH asked to join them again this year. They were conflicted, but said yes. I got a call from them yesterday and the holiday was a complete disaster: he so took advantage of them (let one of THEIR friends drive him to the store for groceries, and let that person PAY for them!) Left their place mess. Took everything for granted. They were absolutely shocked, mortified, furious and sad. So they are done with him. Then they said to me: "we never told you this, but before we met you and he said he wanted to marry you...all he talked about was your beautiful home, and how much money you made...we felt it strange because you'd think he'd talk about your great character or personality or values or SOMEthing personal. We felt he was possibly an opportunist."

Well guess what, he was. He was hinting around the last few weeks before he just drove away that because the commute to his very good job was so stressful...he may not be able to continue it. He was fishing to see if my head would explode if he'd just sit at home and let me support him while he medicated himself. Absolutely!

To connect the dots on this whole story now is almost more than I can bear. YES...my work is to really see the pink and red flags along the way...and should have delayed marriage much longer to learn about the disease. I really do see my part. For now...I'm so very, very, very thankful he bailed out. My life would have been a living, backbreaking hell if he would have stayed. How my perspective has changed! I'm SO thankful he'll soon be legally out of my life and off my title. For any of you who are tempted to have a relationship with ANY kind of recovering anything...please, please do yourself a favor and really learn about the disease. It would have saved me 6 years of time, and a crushed broken sick heart. He was "Mr Perfect"...very very hard to see the pink flags for a few years...but they were there all along. Now to realize that he may have just seen me as an opportunity for a financial support system, not a partner is so frightening. I think it's true. I also think alcoholics want desperately to believe they are capable of having a normal life and marriage. But sadly, they find in MOST cases, they cannot. Buyer beware!!!

bless5

Very wise advise. Sorry for your sad story. Thank for sharing!

Tuffgirl

It's a gamble, that's for sure.

MsGrace - I am very sorry for your situation. We all get conned in life...whether it be by an addict or just by regular old nasty people. How we choose to deal with it is what matters.

You sound very grounded in your perspective. Good for you! Have a wonderful New Year!
~T

MsGrace

thank you for your kind support. I'm not having a pity party...but it's such a shock to consider I can barely wrap my head around it.

Here are a couple lessons I'm taking out of it: PRENUP: had I bothered to do this...the "hidden agenda" would surely have been raised. How very foolish, if you have ANY assets at all, not to do a prenup with a second or subsequent marriage. It's not forecasting a divorce...it's a common sense, practical approach especially us later in life folks. Surely he would have balked at keeping our assets prior to marriage separate...(house in particular). That hesitancy would have alerted me to his less than up and up motives. Shame on me! It will now cost me over $10,000 to unravel this mess, when a prenup would have prevented all this...possibly prevented the marriage.

<---feels like big dummy

I can't cry over spilled milk here....what I have to do is complete the divorce process, re-finance my home to get him off the title, pull up my britches and have a great 2012.

Staying in tonight, making myself a great dinner, have a glass of sparkling apple cider and focus on all the new great things I'll discover this next year.

Oy...still can't believe it. I will get over this...but just, oy

MsGrace

I found this article about how to start over after these stages of shock and grief we've all gone through in one way or another...perhaps you'll find it comforting as I did:

Katie Amatruda: Four Stages Of Divorce: Break-up, Breakdown, Breakthrough and Breakover

Impurrfect

(((MsGrace))) - I'm sorry for all you've had to go through. I read your post with mixed emotions.

I'm an RA, I've LEFT my XABFs, so know both sides of the fence. I read so many threads, here, I totally understand but I wonder - is anyone ever going to give ME a chance?

I honestly don't know. I have baggage, no doubt, but it's more codie stuff than addiction. I know I don't want anyone who says they will "take care of me". I know that I want to make it on my own, NOT depend on anyone else and if someone comes along that contributes to my life, well I just pray it works out.

I've met a lot of people with baggage, lots of it has nothing to do with addiction. I try to remember that no one comes with a guarantee - heck, I was in my 40's when I sunk into addictive behaviors.

I totally get you and everyone else that wants nothing to do with another RA, I really do. My prayer, though, is that my recovery outshines all the stuff I did in the past. I was what I was, and I am what I am

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MsGrace

((((Amy)))) there is always a part of me that wishes I could remember to also say to other RA's who really have done the work, committed to sobriety and a healthy life that I also have so much respect for you. There WILL be someone who WILL give you a chance...your earnest, honest humble self will find someone who is more than happy to give you a chance. I think your chances will be better with someone who has not had to navigate this horrifying disease with someone else. I'll never be able to be neutral about addiction ever again...but there are millions of people out there who are looking for a sincere, honest person. Which one of us comes to the relationship table with NO baggage??? Not a one of us!! The real damage done by addiction is just too real and too deep.....relationships bring enough challenges to also take on addiction for ME. My best advice to you: find someone special just doing your life: take a class, find the interests you can pursue, see who shows up there. Then pull out everything you know to be true about who you are and what you want....really, can any of us do any other thing.

Bless you for tackling this disease in your own life, and selflessly sharing here so we can all heal and be better.

Happy New Year .....something magical can happen for you in 2012!

Sadlysinglenow

A word of encouragement and positive reinforcement ....My RA had 15 yrs sober when I married him, he told me ''I can't promise you that I'll never take another drink,but I can tell you that I plan to never take another drink'' That was good enough for me. We were happily married for 23 yrs when he passed away. Still Sober. There are sucess stories out there . My heart goes out to those who don't make it.

MsGrace

one important thing to note, and in favor of those who do stay sober.....my husband, admitted before he left that he NEVER did the work...NEVER worked a recovery program...just didn't drink for a number of years. That should have alerted me to learn about the disease.

And I couldn't agree more with JDS...marriage is a legal partnership, not much different than buying a business together. Understanding that is pretty important. There are all sorts of reasons we chose to get married sooner than later...(.going onto his group health insurance plan saved us about $500 a month..)>BUT even those practical reasons are not enough to marry for sure, especially if you don't understand the full scope of what you are signing up for, and deeply understand (as best as we can) the character of that person. (I'm only preaching to myself here....)

TakingCharge999

Thanks for this thread. I have not married yet and maybe don't marry at all - never been a "dream" of mine - so thank you for the advice here. I am certainly learning from you although I am sorry you have gone through so much pain

tabatha

I realized (too late) that there is a big difference between being sober and being in active recovery. I too thought that him being sober for many years was a good sign he was 'recovered'. So sorry for your grief and disappointment. I've been there.

DesertEyes

I was born into an alcoholic family. Parents, grand-parents, aunts, uncles. Your traditional, generic, dysfunctional family. I don't remember when, but somewhere in my childhood I swore I would never get married, as I saw what a nightmare marriage was.

In my late teens I learned about alcoholism and that the problem was not "marriage", it was alcoholism. So I married an alanoid. She was _not_ an addict of any kind and had escaped two alcoholic marriages. I figured that she was as "safe" a partner as could be.

20 years later she developed a horrible disease and almost died. She survived, but discovered that she _loved_ the pain pills the docs had been giving her. Our marriage did not survive the pill addiction.

Today I realize that there is _nothing_ in the past that guarantees anything in the future. Whether my next love is recovering, or alanoid, or never addicted is _not_ the issue. It's whether _I_ have enough of my own alanoid recovery to be able to establish my own boundaries, respect hers, and give 100% of myself to 50% of a partnership. If I keep _my_ sanity and serenity then I can survive _anything_ life can throw at me.

The past is not a prediction of the future. How well I work _my_ recovery today is an insurance plan as to how well I will overcome what comes tomorrow.

Yes, I am hoping to fall in love again. The HP will have to figure out who she is and what kind of past she has. Ok, so I am not _completely_ turning it over, I have my fingers crossed that she be a red-head

Mike

MsGrace

Mike this is one of the most profound statements of recovery truth I've probably ever read....wow. It is the only rational conclusion we can arrive at. I too don't have an indictment of the institution of marriage, but this experience has taught me in a brutal way that I have to grow beyond my romantic illusions to see myself and another as clearly as possible. When I have clear boundaries and know what decisions to make that always support my serenity, I'll feel safe again one day to open my heart to another.

Thank you, thank you for SUCH a great share.

grace

Threshold

I am writing this on my recovery wall (I am on both sides of this issue, a RA in the process of distangling from my ABF) My recovery wall is a large roll of paper on the wall next to my bed where I write things I NEED to read again and again and again, so I remember WHY I am recovering, and WHAT recovery is, on those days when it doesn't make sense anymore.

mattmathews

I'm an RA, I've LEFT my XABFs, so know both sides of the fence. I read so many threads, here, I totally understand but I wonder - is anyone ever going to give ME a chance?

A friend of my has pancreatic cancer. Currently in remission...but it's a disease that has it's ups and downs. What's his ultimate fate? The same as all of ours.

He said: "My disease doesn't define me." And I believe that's the truth. His disease does not define him and like all of us, he lives one day at a time. In the present.

Your addiction does not define you...don't let anyone tell you any different.

wicked

This is easy to fix, go to the local Walgreens or Walmart and send me your favorite color!



MsGrace,

thank you so much for sharing what is happening to you. I had romantic delusions about getting my ex sober and live happily ever after. Pfffft, I was on a pink cloud because I was newly sober myself. And my antidepressive meds kicked in when I wasnt drinking.

When it came to divorce, I think the only reason my ex did not receive any benefits because it was too much of a hassle. He even had the nerve to ask me to do it for him!
bwahahahahahaha!
"you're good at that kinda stuff, beth"
bwahahahahahaha!

Ladybug0130

Wow. This is why I don't see myself ever getting involved with a man again. I thought I had won the jackpot with my ex-AH and was the envy of all my friends. He was handsome, sweet to me, faithful, made good money, fun to talk to for years and then I noticed changes. In the past couple of years he became a nightmare person. It has taught me that I can never trust anyone (whether that's true or not it's how I feel). I feel like if I meet someone they will end up being a hidden alcoholic, a cheater, or will molest my kids when I am sleeping (saw a HORRIBLE Dr. Phil the other day on this topic). I hate feeling this jaded and cynical at 35. Anyone have a good story of finding love with a recovering AH or meeting someone great (that's been great for years?).

MsGrace

I just received a profound letter from one of my best friends, who was also the officiant at our wedding. She was intimately involved with us, our relationship and our combined hopes for the future. My letter to her describing the descent into alcoholism and our divorce prompted this letter. I offer this very personal message as it could serve as an open letter to any of us struggling with profound heartache. It is through the eyes of our friends we can begin to expand our perspective, drop our judgements and the awful thoughts that haunt us...and bring us back to peace. May this letter to me, offer you some new perspective and hope on this New Years Day.

I've been walking around with your heartfelt letter in my head since I received it. Now that the holiday hubub has died down, I wanted to take a moment to respond.
I want to share a memory that I have emodied from your wedding ceremony. I share it with all of my couples because I was so touched by it. When (A) caught the first glimpse of you, walking towards him on the arm of your son, his knees lilterally buckled. I had to hold him up, whispering, "It's OK, you'll make it." He was overcome by your beauty, by your commitment to one another, and by the hope for a bright future together.
It looks as though his knees have buckled again. This time, there may be no one there to whisper, "It's OK, you'll make it." Or, if they are, he's not able to hear. I grieve his loss to you, to his vow, "for better or for worse," and ultimately his loss to himself.
As for you, I think your middle name has got to be "resilient"! Since I've known you, you've faced crises and loses of all types: financial, professional, emotional, relational, physical, only to come through them stronger, more determined and more faith-ful than ever.
You are an inspiration. You've used the pain and chaos in your life to create a more solid footing upon which to build your future.
You are a dear and cherished friend.
I wish you a very happy and fulfilling new year, blessed with healiing, love and abundance in every way.

Tuffgirl

Thanks for sharing MsGrace - not only interesting but the site itself had some other good articles.

NYCDoglvr

MsGrace ... thank you so much for posting this. I'm a RA sober woman 20 years who has worked hard to change and grow. And, during this time I attend AA meetings regularly. What I've found is that someone in recovery can have terrific sobriety -- great work, good friends, responsible, honest -- but when it comes to relationships have major problems. "Relationships are throwing Miracle Grow on your character defects." And while we can keep many character defects (self-will, self-centered, grandiose) in check, they magnify when a RA moves into romantic situations. This is a generalization and of course isn't true of everyone. So many other factors come into play like integrity, honesty and responsibility. That said, after having a horrendous relationship -- the worst of my life -- with a RA in recovery, I am steering clear of people in the program.

I suggest holding off on making judgements about your husband's motives for marrying you. Nothing is black or white and we tend to pick the most pessimistic possibilities when upset. While it's better to have money than not, it's hard to believe anyone would marry just for this. You sound like a terrific person and you clearly are on the right path to recovery.