pinkmama

I am lost and confused, so this will probably be all over the place.

6 and a half years ago, I met a man, fell in love, you know the deal. We both used drugs. He introduced me to crack. A year into our abusive relationship, I became pregnant. Quit cold turkey, have not used a day since, nor have I thought of using, crack or any other drug. He continued to use during my pregnancy. He quit shortly after our son was born. He relapsed about a year later. We got into a bad fight because of it, broke up, he wiggled his way back into my life, promised sobriety. several months later, we got pregnant again. He remained clean.. He has been unemployed since he relapsed the first time, nearly 3 years ago, and contributes unemployment, depression, and my demanding behavior to the reason he relapsed again. I only found out he relapsed most recently because he started stealing from me. My jewelry at first, then he started pawning game systems, his jewelry, and finally, stole my laptop. He insisted he was just getting it repaired, I knew better and said I would call the police if he did not return it the next day and move out. So he did retrieve it, and bought a train ticket. He was gone for 2 months. I told him I would pay for him to come up here to visit with our youngest's birthday and he could stay for the week, right until after christmas. He called a few days early, saying he was kicked out of his mothers, and could he come stay with us sooner as he was sleepign on the streets that night. I said okay. When he got here, he asked to stay an additional week, when a job was opening up so he wouldn't have to sleep on the streets longer than he had to. So I said okay. Now that he is here, he is searching for a job up here. I asked why, he said there is no reason for him to return south, I told him he would not be welcome to move in with us again, he said he knew, but that he knew there is a homeless shelter down the road from us. My thoughts are, if he was going to go to the shetler, he would have already. What is he waiting for? I believed him when he said he was clean, but already I have money missing. It was just a few dollars in change I kept in my closet, and he swore he did not do it, and I believed him. He even gave me $10 to purchase neccessities for our children, which might not sound like a lot, but over the years we have gotten next to nothing so the gesture was very appreciated. Well, now I do not believe him, I believe he took it, lied to my face, after everything I have done for him. So I want him to leave right now. But I am struggling with how to make him leave. When I first kicked him out two months ago, he had his mother's house to go to. Now, he will be living on the streets. I know this is not my fault, but I don't want my children to learn later in life that I could have prevented their father from becoming homeless, and instead kicked him out. At the same time, I cannot live like this. He had his shot to get help, he refused. I just don't know how I can make him leave, knowing he will be sleeping on the streets, and making it that much harder for him to finally get a job. I apologize for the novel, I just really need some guidance. I have prayed on this but I am still confused and torn. Thanks

irab

Yes you are lost and confused and need to find yourself and get yourself clear.

You can't get clean in a relationship where the other is using and using you and your money as well. You cannot control his addiction or him !

First things first:
Protect yourself and children first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put yourself and children first !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Join Alanon as well as AA
Get a sponsor in both - GET OUTSIDE HELP - See addcitions counselor ??
You cannot do this alone !

( In the beginning - I went to 2 or 3 meetings a day !!
I SUBMERSED MYSELF IN RECOVERY - hung around recovering people ONLY - NO USERS ) - GOOD LUCK !

Heartbroken0608

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You cannot prevent their father from becoming homeless, only he can do that! It helps to remind yourself of the three C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.

What you can control is ensuring a stable home for you and your children. It sounds like you know that is not possible when living with an active addict. It's up to him if he wants to get the help he needs to improve his life or if he instead chooses to be homeless. If it makes you feel better, give him a list of resources in the area for addicts, that's really all you cand do. The rest is up to him.

((hugs))

Freedom1990

Homelessness is the consequence of his choices in life.

One of the best things that happened to me in my life when I was actively using was everyone finally turning their backs on me.

I was allowed to feel the consequences of my addiction, and finally hit a bottom.

laurie6781

WELCOME to Sober Recovery! You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been or are where you are now. Many of us on here are what we call "Double Winners." Having found recovery from our drug of choice or alcohol and then found out we were 'enablers'/'co dependents' too, lol and have worked on recovery from that also.

So pull up your keyboard, check out 'the stickys' at the top of this forum, read some of the posts and join us.

He has once again MANIPULATED his way into your home. He is MOOCHING off of you.

Kicking him out is the CONSEQUENCE of HIS ACTIONS. He can choose to live on the streets, go to the Salvation Army and get into their 'treatment program', go to the homeless shelter, etc They are all HIS CHOICES.

please try some Alanon and/or Naranon meetings for yourself, and take care of those wonderful children. he can deny all he wants but you know in your heart he stole the money.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, and since he has not changed his current and future behavior can be predicted by his past behavior.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very very much.

Love and hugs,

Hanna

You can and should teach your children as they grow, in age appropriate ways, about addiction, enabling, co-dependence and detachment. They have a father that is an addict - they are going to need to know. When the time comes, if they have the information about these topics, they will understand why you had to let him go. They will understand that his choices brought him to a place where he had to stay in a shelter because no one else could take having him around.

You need to get him out asap. Letting him stay with you is not helping anyone.

outtolunch

It is not OK to have an active addict living in the home with children. His own mother does not want him in her house. His choices and refusal to get a job have consequences, including eventual homelessness. It's not your doing.

At this point, he is the sperm doner, not a father. A father would move heaven and earth to provide for his children. Instead, he is stealing from them and manipulating you for a sustained free ride.

Do you have any family or neighbors who could support your efforts to get this guy out of your home? Pack his junk in a hefty and leave it outside. Change your locks and phone number. It's all about the wellbeing of your children.

TiredandSpent

His mother kicked him out into the cold street a week before Christmas. You know how bad it has to be for a mother to do that? If he'll do it to his mother (whatever it was), he'll do it to you.

Are you asking how to physically get him out of the house because you think he won't go if you ask him? Or are you asking how to square it with your conscience?

I'm not unbiased; I threw my 22 yo son out without shoes a couple days ago.