qpapq

Well technically day 2..

I kinda guess I always knew deep down I was going to drink over Christmas, I really did think though there for a minute I would be able to resist. Pah!!

Ok, so here is the thing, again....

I dont know that I am an alcoholic, in fact I am pretty sure I am not. I am however acccecpting that I have an unusual relationship with alcohol. I have cravings, but I wonder if that is more about me looking for something to do? I wonder also if I am taking on board issues after reading about them on here? I dont know.. I do know however I am a mess, I know that I use alcohol as a coping mechanisim, and that when I do drink one is never anywhere near enough. I drink far to much, far to quickly.

I have been drinking with my family over christmas, and have spent 3 of 4 days almost pass out drunk. Now this was a revelation to me, as a family we drink fairly heavily on holidays and at Christmas, that is it. This time, for the first time, I started drinking on my own, and carried on that drinking alone. till I passed out, the family were there, ready to play family games, and for 2 hours I slept out cold on the sofa. I think they thought it was just a nap.. or at least I hope they did.

I have told a couple of you that I have reached the end of my road, there really isnt much further for me to go. With this in mind, I have spoken to my Dr, not about drinking, but about the self destructive thoughts I have, and she has agreed that I need extra help. She refuses to give me meds again, I am a high suicide risk apparantly, but I have been given an appointment to see the kindly men in white coats.

I am terrified, I dont know what to tell them, I guess I will just try and talk about anything, to ramble on and see what they tell me??!

I know you have heard this before, I know I have said this before, but I am going to try.. I will shelve the booze for three months (minimum) just to see how hard that is or isnt, starting yesterday. And I will try and start to talk, release some of the secrets I have held for 25 years or so..

I will keep you posted if you want to hear... I will bore you senseless if you dont! Thank you guys so very much, just for having the patience with me that I dont have with myself..

Love you all.
XXX

Fandy

I want to hear....and you can tell me whatever, whenever....either by PM or on any thread.

i'm glad you are back, i've missed you! please try not to be scared about the docs....say whatever you want and get it out....they are used to it and will help you. I felt the same way when i limped into my psych. office and i sat my buttisimo there for 3 years...it helped me learn a lot about myself and make smarter decisions, (most of the time).

big hugs for you. move forward with us.

SASA

I know how you feel.I felt the same. And for me it turned out all the pain I had was multilied by alcohol.Once I quit alcoholmy life improved and so can yours.And feelfree to PMor ramble on...We are here for you

Dee74

You have a lot of support here CB
I hope this can be the start of good things for you.
I hope you'll keep us updated

D

Fdm

Please stick around. I would like to see you succeed and tell us about it.

DayTrader

Three months would be a great start. If nothing else, you'll get some insight into whether you're alcoholic or not (non-alkies can always control when they drink and don't drink - the never drink "against their will."

You'll also get some insight into whether you suffer from alcoholism or not. If it's just drinking that's the problem, you should be able to get things straightened out in your life fairly quickly once the intake of booze stops.

.......and send those PM's to me as well.
DT

qpapq

Am tidying round, and have found three half filled bottles of vodka... Oh my neighbour will love me, now question is, do i give her three half bottles, different brands, or decant and dump the extra??

what is the ettiquette in such circumstances?
oh, am very tearful today, but am determined to find humour somewhere...

qpapq

I am going to do this.. OMG I am so freaked out right now, and oddly tearful, not just regarding the drinking but everything..
I guess its just a process I have to go through..

I have just text my best friend, and told her I wont be drinking for at least three months, she said to me, oh so you finally figured out you got a problem? - Shame.

I called work and told them they will have to swap my shift on Tuesday afternoon, Have agreed to work any other shift. - White coat time on Tuesday.

Have given neighbour vodka, she looked confused at getting three half full bottles, I said I had lost track of what I had been drinking. - This house is clean.

Now, to sit, and drum my fingers and get anxious and upset. Wish I had someone to talk to..

Fandy

think about something else for just 5 mins. take a small break. how is the dog doing? he had a broken leg last i heard from you, but was on the mend.

qpapq

Oh bless you Fandy, thank you for remembering that. hug

He went home to Mum and Dad on Christmas day, I had the broken dog for 4 months! He did really well.. Like a new boy.. Im gonna miss him loads, but he is My Dads Baby, and babies need to go home...

I cant believe you rememebered that.. you are soo sweet.

Vanilla28

that made me chuckle. lol 'the broken dog'

congrats on clearing out the booze and such. keep us posted on how you doing!

Fandy

when I was 3 1/2 months sober I adopted a little dog...the end of May, a full summer of walking him and talking to the neighbors (he's a cute little dog, a real conversation starter)...good exercise and helpful for depression too.

IndaMiricale

oh belliey hug and love you.

You know I am always here for you hun.

Always

artsoul

I'm glad you're giving sobriety another chance.....

You know, I think it would help explain a lot to your doctor if he/she knew how much you've been drinking. Alcohol makes us depressed and anxious, and cuts us off from being able to think positively. When I started drinking a bottle of wine almost every night towards the end, I was an emotional wreck (though I wouldn't have admitted it to anyone).

I think your goal of 3 months is great as long as you don't let it overwhelm you........ Getting through the next hour or minute is sometimes all we can handle at first. It really does get better, though. Invest in some ice cream, give yourself a hug, and stay close to SR!

qpapq

I had the most awful night, possibly ever last night.
it was most of the day, then progressivly worse into the night, and by the time I was in bed, my body was wracking with sobs. I swear if anyone had seen me they would have thought that someone close had died.

I had a friend texting me most of the night, which was good, she understands pretty much everything. I dont think I have ever felt so desperate and desolate, ever.

Today, I dont feel as hysterical thankfully, but the darkness is still there.

Is this cos I am on day 3? or because it is NYE, which is a great opportunity for a person to look back at another wasted year. or is it because I am sick?

I tried to not be at work this morning, but failed, (NYE, Go figure, random mystery bugs strikes the work force). The girl I worked with asked me if I had an allergy? My eyes were almost swollen shut with the night of crying. baseless, pointless crying.

I feel like I am being attacked from within my mind. Im sorry, is pointless ramblings, but I need to get it out..

MentalLoop

Canterbell.....I bet you won't be expecting this but you are a true inspiration to me. Bravo for making the alcoholic question irrelevant and doing all the right things to clear your mind. Do you know how long I waited to give away booze because I wasn't an alki? Do you know I wasn't capable of not drinking more than a day until I had to convince myself I was an alki? I clearly have no idea what you are going through emotionally but I can tell you that you have given me a reason not to drink today. I can tell you that I want to be able to exhibit the fortitude you have. Maybe amidst some of those tears you can sneak in a smile for serving as a guiding light to some of us on this forum.

Threshold

CB, hugs, the crying, the rough night, etc etc...was it due to this, that, etc...I'd suggest all of the above, AND the fact that you are human. Yes, we are addicts, but that is not the sum total of who and what we are. Lots of what we experience is the human experience. Sometimes, through using substance to blur life, I think we lose sight of what life is, and we end up with all sorts of crazy ideas about it.

It takes some time to realize that much of what we feel is just normal. We get so paranoid and neurotic, thinking everything is some dramatic manifestation of addiction, that we are slaying dragons left, right and center.

Sometimes I find myself exhausting myself over dust bunnies, that I thought were dragons. That perspective will even out over time, I am confident.

I don't feel that any of the thoughts, experiences or feelings you describe are abnormal or unusual. No signs of failure or impending doom. You've got some opportunities ahead to address some of the situations that have become toxic for you, that's awesome, and you've got a community that cares here for you as you move forward.

Fandy

Canterbelle; try to look forwards, not backwards....we can all remember some pretty sh!tty years or a string of them. but they are in the back...you don't want to move backwards, you can have a good NEW YEAR.

qpapq

Mentalloop.. you are spot on, I did not expect that and to be honest, I dont really understand, or know what to say to it. But I guess, thank you?

I feel a little more stable today, as in not nearly as much crying.. but have noted that I am feeling very needy, and clingy and lonely.

I am going to go to bed very soon, I really do not want to be awake when the new year comes in. I have 13 minutes to scarper. Im on Day three, looking at day four. I feel like crapola both mentally and physically. I am sorry for being to high maintainence and for being and epic bore. and for being so self indulgent as to continue this thread, feels like I am demanding attention, which I suppose in some fashion I am.

I dunno... I just feel alone, and getting messages from you guys helps me not feel that way. Guess I am demanding attention..

Happy New Year guys.

Hevyn

Belle - I somehow missed this thread yesterday. Just want to send you some love and support. Glad you're feeling a bit more stable. May 2012 bring you some answers, and relief from your troubles.