Hi - New here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
Hi - New here
Hello all. I am here because my 34 year old son is an addict and his world is getting worse and worse.
He owes thousands on credit cards, student loans, etc. He says he's working but I don't believe him (been there before).
He was living at my mothers till she threw him out about 2 months ago for forging about 2,000 dollars worth of checks. Now he lives with a friend of my nephew's but they are in a retirement community and he is living there illegally so I don't know how long that will last. Then he will be out on the streets.
Haven't heard from him for over a month - not even a call to say thanks for his Christmas present. He still has the nerve to go to my mothers about once a week and she still gives him money.
My husband and I are very depressed and angry and hurt and just don't know how to live with this heartache.
He owes thousands on credit cards, student loans, etc. He says he's working but I don't believe him (been there before).
He was living at my mothers till she threw him out about 2 months ago for forging about 2,000 dollars worth of checks. Now he lives with a friend of my nephew's but they are in a retirement community and he is living there illegally so I don't know how long that will last. Then he will be out on the streets.
Haven't heard from him for over a month - not even a call to say thanks for his Christmas present. He still has the nerve to go to my mothers about once a week and she still gives him money.
My husband and I are very depressed and angry and hurt and just don't know how to live with this heartache.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
"Pain shared is pain divided." 
Have you considered Alanon or Naranon meetings? There's a 12 step forum here, too. Working those 12 steps guided me toward managing the pain, and in the process, I began to live again.
Have you considered Alanon or Naranon meetings? There's a 12 step forum here, too. Working those 12 steps guided me toward managing the pain, and in the process, I began to live again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome....I'm glad you found us. There are many of us mothers on SR who understand the anguish of watching your adult child spiral in the disease of addiction. There are many of us who have worked through the anguish and come to a point of acceptance so that we can live our lives and experience joy and serenity.
Personally, I found the path back to my own life in the rooms of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and in the wonderful literature available from those programs. I found comfort knowing that others understand the concept of "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it". We mothers tend to take things pretty personally when it comes to our kids. I found friendship in those rooms.
Actually, I am figuring out that it is not pain I feel. It is suffering. And the choice to suffer or not lies with me. We are human beings and as such, suffering is inevitable. I have found that one of the greatest lessons in life as been to learn how to live in the "now". And understand that if I'm ok right now and my son is alive and I have things to be grateful for......I should not be experiencing suffering but I should be experiencing joy and serenity.
I hope you stick around. Being the mother of an addict is not for weanies. We're here with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Personally, I found the path back to my own life in the rooms of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and in the wonderful literature available from those programs. I found comfort knowing that others understand the concept of "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it". We mothers tend to take things pretty personally when it comes to our kids. I found friendship in those rooms.
Actually, I am figuring out that it is not pain I feel. It is suffering. And the choice to suffer or not lies with me. We are human beings and as such, suffering is inevitable. I have found that one of the greatest lessons in life as been to learn how to live in the "now". And understand that if I'm ok right now and my son is alive and I have things to be grateful for......I should not be experiencing suffering but I should be experiencing joy and serenity.
I hope you stick around. Being the mother of an addict is not for weanies. We're here with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by pommie 
He still has the nerve to go to my mothers about once a week and she still gives him money.
My husband and I are very depressed and angry and hurt and just don't know how to live with this heartache.
Have you and your husband considered therapy to help put all of this into perspective? You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. You can however, learn new strategies for coping with your emotions and reactions to that which is beyond your control. Accepting that he is living the life he chose takes time and practice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by outtolunch
That's not nerve. He continues to visit grandma because she continues to give him money, cause and effect. She sanctioned check forgery when she did not call the police and press charges.You have no more control over what she does than you do your 34 year old son.
Have you and your husband considered therapy to help put all of this into perspective? You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. You can however, learn new strategies for coping with your emotions and reactions to that which is beyond your control. Accepting that he is living the life he chose takes time and practice.
Have you and your husband considered therapy to help put all of this into perspective? You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. You can however, learn new strategies for coping with your emotions and reactions to that which is beyond your control. Accepting that he is living the life he chose takes time and practice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. maybe u should be glad he is not calling you or coming around. usually when they do they are wanting some thing from you. there is nothing you can do to get him clean. my son is my addict also & when i do not hear from him he is not doing the right things. when i do hear from him he is wanting something or did. he does do ask me for anything because i refuse to enable him to use. do not feel guilty. he is grown & is going to do whatever he chooses to do. the 3 c's are .. i did not Cause it, i can not Control it & i can not Cure it. get yourself in a program, go to meetings. your son may never get clean & if he doesn't it will only get worse. prayers for you & for him,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
I just found this site this month, and my 26 year old son is also an addict. He is quite the skilled manipulator and I've been oh so willing to accept the guilt. I try not to, and I try to stick to 'not giving him money' but sometimes he wears me down and I buckle under the pressure. I hate my own inconsistency so much that I wish I could just disappear. I know when the phone rings, and it's my son, he's going to be hitting me up for something or other.
Is there a Nar-Anon on this site? There's so much good info on here that I've been reading and haven't yet had a chance to look at everything. My son injected opiates (oxys/roxys, etc.) then after a few failed attempts, he has been on Methadone for a little over a year. But he more or less (I feel) uses his Methadone treatment as a way to extort money from me. Like today he called me 45 min. before the clinic closes and said he didn't have the money for his take homes and he had to pick them up today. Basically I said that I'm not a bank, and his response was, "Fine, then I just won't dose." and hung up. So I've felt like crap ever since his phone call. I know I'm responsible for my own feelings, but today I feel worn out by all this.
Is there a Nar-Anon on this site? There's so much good info on here that I've been reading and haven't yet had a chance to look at everything. My son injected opiates (oxys/roxys, etc.) then after a few failed attempts, he has been on Methadone for a little over a year. But he more or less (I feel) uses his Methadone treatment as a way to extort money from me. Like today he called me 45 min. before the clinic closes and said he didn't have the money for his take homes and he had to pick them up today. Basically I said that I'm not a bank, and his response was, "Fine, then I just won't dose." and hung up. So I've felt like crap ever since his phone call. I know I'm responsible for my own feelings, but today I feel worn out by all this.
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