Notices

Me.

Old 12-29-2011, 03:48 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
VikingGF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,388
Me.

I am a 46 year old woman. I have a very good job AND my own small business, my own house, good friends, an ex-husband who I have a very good relationship with and an amazing dog. From the outside, it doesn't look so bad, even to me. On the inside, I know this: drinking cost me my marriage, keeps me from being the best I can be and is genetically imprinted in my genes. My father died from drinking and smoking, and my mom is in active recovery from prescription drugs. In fact, this website saved me many years ago when I came here (under another name) to the Narc-Anon threads. And now I find myself coming here for me. While I have been a "heavy drinker" for years it was only a few months ago that a switch flipped, and all the sudden, I couldn't hold my wine (drink of choice) and found that I was blacking out early and often. Still, I didn't stop. Waking up the next morning and wondering how the car found it's way home to the garage started to scare the cr*p out of me. And still, I didn't stop. I didn't stop. That still blows my mind. I would go to work hungover so often, I thought that was just how I felt on a regular basis. Friends would talk to me about something and I'd have no idea what they were talking about, and would just nod my head in agreement. Yup, whatever. Inside, I was panicking. Outside, well, I was heading to the wine store for another night's supply. The thought of not going was not even a possibility. It was what I DID. It was who I WAS. Every morning I would play the wake up game- what did I do, who did I talk to, what did I say. I had gotten very good at not contacting people after a couple glasses, never MOM, ever, the few close friends maybe had me figured out, never, and the oblivious ones, well, they honestly never knew. In fact, most people say to me, regularly, "Oh, you were drunk? I couldn't tell at all." Unfortunately, my capacity to hold large amounts of alcohol and appear fine was a curse that has been with me for a long time. No one can save me if they don't know I need saving. But then again, we can only save ourselves. Which is what I have decided to do. I stopped Dec. 7th. I did slip up, for a day each time, three times. Not to drunken stupidness, but that is inconsequential. I am not sure why I slipped. However, I am dedicated to this journey, and have forgiven myself for that. I'll admit I'm scared to death. I am afraid I'm not really ready, deep inside, and that stupid little voice is going to convince me, yet again, that I'm really just fine and can drink "normally." I have no idea if I am strong enough to expel the demon from my life. But I do know that I have to try harder than I've ever tried anything, or I am going to lose everything. Thanks for listening.

Lisa.
VikingGF is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 03:58 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
I think everyone has that strength Lisa - it's our addiction that tries to convince us we don't

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 04:05 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Crazy Cat Lady
 
DisplacedGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Welcome back. This place is a great place to help you draw out and nurture that inner strength we all have to overcome. Good luck in your recovery. I'm 31 and I remember playing the "wake up" I woke up morning and discovered one of my tires was flat and the rim bent. I searched online to make sure there hadn't been a hit and run. And yet, I did not stop! Again, welcome. I look forward to sharing sobriety with you.
DisplacedGRITS is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 04:10 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - Since you've been here before, you know this is a great place for ES&H (experience, strength and hope). I agree with ((Dee)) - I think we have the strength, but the addict in us really doesn't want to change.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 04:16 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
 
Lost3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
You are so not alone Lisa. I too am like you, successful, 39 yrs. old, good husband (who hasn't left me thank god), great career. Outside, I look fine, well at least to those who do not know me. Inside, I'm a shell.

I've had to actually convince my husband I'm an alcoholic. He still doesn't entirely believe, but I think it will come about eventually. I too have been told that I don't appear drunk. My husband does say, if I drank like you I'd be on the floor. So he knows. Maybe he just doesn't want to admit it.

Hang in there.

Originally Posted by VikingGF View Post
I am a 46 year old woman. I have a very good job AND my own small business, my own house, good friends, an ex-husband who I have a very good relationship with and an amazing dog. From the outside, it doesn't look so bad, even to me. On the inside, I know this: drinking cost me my marriage, keeps me from being the best I can be and is genetically imprinted in my genes. My father died from drinking and smoking, and my mom is in active recovery from prescription drugs. In fact, this website saved me many years ago when I came here (under another name) to the Narc-Anon threads. And now I find myself coming here for me. While I have been a "heavy drinker" for years it was only a few months ago that a switch flipped, and all the sudden, I couldn't hold my wine (drink of choice) and found that I was blacking out early and often. Still, I didn't stop. Waking up the next morning and wondering how the car found it's way home to the garage started to scare the cr*p out of me. And still, I didn't stop. I didn't stop. That still blows my mind. I would go to work hungover so often, I thought that was just how I felt on a regular basis. Friends would talk to me about something and I'd have no idea what they were talking about, and would just nod my head in agreement. Yup, whatever. Inside, I was panicking. Outside, well, I was heading to the wine store for another night's supply. The thought of not going was not even a possibility. It was what I DID. It was who I WAS. Every morning I would play the wake up game- what did I do, who did I talk to, what did I say. I had gotten very good at not contacting people after a couple glasses, never MOM, ever, the few close friends maybe had me figured out, never, and the oblivious ones, well, they honestly never knew. In fact, most people say to me, regularly, "Oh, you were drunk? I couldn't tell at all." Unfortunately, my capacity to hold large amounts of alcohol and appear fine was a curse that has been with me for a long time. No one can save me if they don't know I need saving. But then again, we can only save ourselves. Which is what I have decided to do. I stopped Dec. 7th. I did slip up, for a day each time, three times. Not to drunken stupidness, but that is inconsequential. I am not sure why I slipped. However, I am dedicated to this journey, and have forgiven myself for that. I'll admit I'm scared to death. I am afraid I'm not really ready, deep inside, and that stupid little voice is going to convince me, yet again, that I'm really just fine and can drink "normally." I have no idea if I am strong enough to expel the demon from my life. But I do know that I have to try harder than I've ever tried anything, or I am going to lose everything. Thanks for listening.

Lisa.
Lost3000 is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 04:18 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi Lisa. So glad you are here! I can relate to so much of what you wrote.
My inside and outside didn't match for so long. It's an awful feeling and an awful way to live...if you can even call it living.
Originally Posted by vikingGF
I have no idea if I am strong enough to expel the demon from my life.
I know you are unsure, but luckily I know the answer to this one. The answer is yes, you are absolutely strong enough. Believe it.
soberlicious is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 04:47 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 20
((((Lisa))))

Thanks for sharing, Lisa! I can SOOOO relate! I'm 44 and have been faking my way through my life and my once-promising career. My alcoholism has made me go from energetic and bright to apathetic and dull. I can have a conversation with someone while sober (do we ever really sober up when we're drinking every day, or in my case every night?), and remember nothing about it. My blackouts started earlier and earlier - sometimes after only two glasses of wine - and then I would drink tons more, binge eat, talk to people, send emails, and do horrifyingly shameful things. I learned to turn off my phone after the first glass and plan ways to avoid others. I wouldn't get on email or FB, etc. I would plan all week for the two nights that my kids would be at their dads so that I could drink as much as I wanted. I adapted my entire life around my drinking so that I could "hide" it. I became my dad.

No more. I'm so tired of it and I don't want to do it again. I just pray that I haven't damaged my kids beyond repair. How tragically selfish of me...

It's Day 2 for me. Cried walking through the grocery tonight when I saw the piles of beer. How pathetic is that?
jamesgirl is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 04:50 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 20
And YES - YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs and love to you!
jamesgirl is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 04:58 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zebra1275's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,840
Welcome Lisa!

So what's your plan?

As you said "I have no idea if I am strong enough to expel the demon from my life." That sounds to me like you don't think you can do this alone. No big deal, I think most of us eventually find that we need help, other than just ourselves. For me, SR and AA are two things that keep me going but there are other options. Stick around SR and keep reading, that's a good start.
Zebra1275 is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 05:38 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Re-Member
 
Itchy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583


We've all been there, done that, and high functioning too, whatever that means. I think the only difference between the worst examples that we aren't like, and us, is just a few extra years of denial and drinking. You came to the right place here at SR, it helped me survive and thrive as a sober person. Use all the tools you can and don't listen to the ones saying why you can't. Here we have many folks from all over the world to help you with how you can if you are willing to do the work.
Itchy is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 06:37 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Life Health Prosperity
 
neferkamichael's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
I hope I have the strength

Thanks for the post. Ive been sober 1 year 5 months and 29 days, 108 days of crack. Most of that time i've been broke. Now an excellent job oppurtunity is coming that can turn my world around. I just hope I dont turn it upside down. I have proven to myself that being sober is better than using. I dont know what I'm afraid of, but I've gotta get over it.
neferkamichael is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 08:58 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
SR Fan
 
artsoul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Viking and congrats on your decision!

I was really scared when I first got sober, too. I was afraid that I'd fail at sobriety, but equally afraid that I just might succeed. I just knew I couldn't continue to relive the same miserable day over and over.

I took it one day (hour/minute) at a time and with each day I felt a little stronger and less afraid. Waking up without a hangover ain't bad either! It really does get better.......
artsoul is offline  
Old 12-29-2011, 09:22 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
jocata's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Welcome Viking. You found a great place to start. Wishing you the best.
God bless.
jocata is offline  
Old 01-19-2012, 09:23 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
VikingGF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,388
Still here. It's been really, really hard. I slipped at Christmas, not hugely, but enough to think I could drink a little, because I didn't get drunk. Yes. Live and learn. So, I'm still hanging in with a few days sober- which is good, but I'm tired and moody and, well, you all know the drill. While my alcohol intake over the past month is seriously decreased from the previous months, it's still not NONE and that is my goal. Still here. Still trying. Progress, not perfection. Thanks for listening.

Lisa.
VikingGF is offline  
Old 01-19-2012, 09:51 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,333
I'm glad you checked in Lisa and that you are continuing to work on your recovery.
Anna is online now  
Old 01-19-2012, 10:02 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Dazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 223
I too can identify with you. I'm 39 and successful career wise. Good husband but he's getting tired of the drinking. I hate feeling like a "phony" all the time - I'm scared too but there has to be something better than this. I'm slowly killing myself.

Welcome!!!
Dazee is offline  
Old 01-19-2012, 10:55 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Meow
 
PurpleCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Great Lakes State
Posts: 1,585
Welcome Viking

Originally Posted by Lost3000 View Post
You are so not alone Lisa. I too am like you, successful, 39 yrs. old, good husband (who hasn't left me thank god), great career. Outside, I look fine, well at least to those who do not know me. Inside, I'm a shell.

I've had to actually convince my husband I'm an alcoholic. He still doesn't entirely believe, but I think it will come about eventually. I too have been told that I don't appear drunk. My husband does say, if I drank like you I'd be on the floor. So he knows. Maybe he just doesn't want to admit it.

Hang in there.
My husband is a bit confused, too, about why I want to quit. He said he's never seen me act drunk, never seen me fall over, etc. Then again, when you are looking through your own 12-beer a day prism like he is, things are a bit distorted. I know normal people don't drink 7 or 8 beers a day!
PurpleCat is offline  
Old 01-19-2012, 11:13 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 30
Wow. Your story is amazingly similar to mine and apparently by the posts there's lot of fortyish women out there with good jobs, marriages, families, pets, who like us drank wine nightly until blackout then sleep. Trying to remember the night before. Only to do it all again the next day. A bit less than 30 days sober, i'm already seeing how much time I've wasted in a drunken haze. Oh, the guilt. However, we can not change the past so no point in dwelling on that. The future is up to us. Let's do this!
kiknit is offline  
Old 01-19-2012, 11:21 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
VikingGF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,388
kiknit-

The guilt is seriously getting to me. I think part of my problem is fearing getting sober for a good period of time and then looking back and saying, "Wow, I wasted so much of my life." Of course, a rational person would say, better to do that now than 2, 3 or 4 years down the road, or worse, never. But I still feel like I've wasted so much. And lost so much. Bad day, I guess.
VikingGF is offline  
Old 01-19-2012, 11:30 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
jocata's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
Welcome back viking. I struggle with the guilt of my past too. What I've put my wife and kids through. People I have le down, including myself. I think as alcoholics we beat ourselves up more than anybody else does. There's nothing we can do to change the past. The future is still unknown. All we have is today, so that is where we should focus most of our attention.

One of the positive things that our past can be used for is to help someone else that comes along that is struggling with alcohol. It's incredibly rewarding to be able to do that.

Stay strong, it will only get worse if you keep going.

God bless.
jocata is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:36 AM.