In denial boyfriend...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6
In denial boyfriend...
Background... I am 36, he is 42. We've been together for 2 1/2 years, we don't live together. He's had his 'habit' (as he calls it since he was 20). He works a full time job.
Right, so where do i start? When we got together i didn't realise he was a heavy drinker and never did i assume he was an alcoholic, not that he admits he is.
He drinks 2 bottles of wine and bottles of beer Mon-Fri, then Saturday and Sunday 3 bottles of wine a night plus beer, he's also been drinking spirits too. Not loads, just a bit. He doesn't class himself an alcoholic because he holds down a job. However, the first thing he does when he comes round after work is opens a bottle of whatever it is he's drinking... and there is ALWAYS an excuse like 'I am tired' or 'Had a stressful day/week/month' or 'Not had a break this week' or 'Just need to unwind' or 'My boss has pissed me off' or 'Had a bad client in today' or 'Traffic was bad' or 'You are pissing me off'......
Thing is this.. Over the last year, when he's at home alone drinking and maybe i will call him for whatever reason, usually just to say "Hi", he will get really nasty and start having a right go at me, really nasty... I suffer from mental health problems (anxiety, panic, depression, agoraphobia, health anxiety, all of which he knew about before we got together) and he will be really mean about my problems. He went out for a works party recently and got so drunk he cut himself all over where he climbed his gate because he lost his key. He was cut all over his face, back, front, arms, bum... ripped his clothes up...
So anyway.. his abuse has been getting more and more frequent. Another problem we're having is that he makes excuses to sit home alone and get drunk.. He's not had time off work since September, and i know he's been busy, but he says he wants to sit at home and relax, but we both know his relaxing means drinking.. I called him at 11.30 this morning and he was drunk, i reckon he'd just started drinking as soon as he woke up...he was still drunk at 2pm and at 9pm, but what i feel is this.. He'd rather stay at home and get pissed than see his girlfriend who he never see's during the normal work week because he's 'too tired' and as soon as he gets holiday, okay i get he needs a rest, but he can just as easy rest at mine.. only difference is, he can't drink as much.
I feel that i'm not in a proper relationship with him. He really made me angry the other day and he managed to make ME feel guilty. He brought up his RED wine into the bedroom, tripped over nothing and red wine went up my freshly painted WHITE WALLS that were only done a few weeks ago. The wine went all over my white furniture, white duvet cover everywhere, however, he managed to make me out to be 'over-reacting'..... OVER-REACTING!? Red wine ALL OVER MY WALLS. The stain is quite special i have to add... it's everywhere.. The entire 2 walls involved need to be painted, will he do it? No... of course he won't because he said 'No one see's my bedroom' despite me JUST having it redecorated.
I am a very chilled relaxed person who takes A LOT of crap and never ever says anything bad, but combined with the abuse, the staying home alone, not answering his telephone, not wanting to see me, ruining my bedroom, i am losing patience..
Any advice would be great...
Right, so where do i start? When we got together i didn't realise he was a heavy drinker and never did i assume he was an alcoholic, not that he admits he is.
He drinks 2 bottles of wine and bottles of beer Mon-Fri, then Saturday and Sunday 3 bottles of wine a night plus beer, he's also been drinking spirits too. Not loads, just a bit. He doesn't class himself an alcoholic because he holds down a job. However, the first thing he does when he comes round after work is opens a bottle of whatever it is he's drinking... and there is ALWAYS an excuse like 'I am tired' or 'Had a stressful day/week/month' or 'Not had a break this week' or 'Just need to unwind' or 'My boss has pissed me off' or 'Had a bad client in today' or 'Traffic was bad' or 'You are pissing me off'......
Thing is this.. Over the last year, when he's at home alone drinking and maybe i will call him for whatever reason, usually just to say "Hi", he will get really nasty and start having a right go at me, really nasty... I suffer from mental health problems (anxiety, panic, depression, agoraphobia, health anxiety, all of which he knew about before we got together) and he will be really mean about my problems. He went out for a works party recently and got so drunk he cut himself all over where he climbed his gate because he lost his key. He was cut all over his face, back, front, arms, bum... ripped his clothes up...
So anyway.. his abuse has been getting more and more frequent. Another problem we're having is that he makes excuses to sit home alone and get drunk.. He's not had time off work since September, and i know he's been busy, but he says he wants to sit at home and relax, but we both know his relaxing means drinking.. I called him at 11.30 this morning and he was drunk, i reckon he'd just started drinking as soon as he woke up...he was still drunk at 2pm and at 9pm, but what i feel is this.. He'd rather stay at home and get pissed than see his girlfriend who he never see's during the normal work week because he's 'too tired' and as soon as he gets holiday, okay i get he needs a rest, but he can just as easy rest at mine.. only difference is, he can't drink as much.
I feel that i'm not in a proper relationship with him. He really made me angry the other day and he managed to make ME feel guilty. He brought up his RED wine into the bedroom, tripped over nothing and red wine went up my freshly painted WHITE WALLS that were only done a few weeks ago. The wine went all over my white furniture, white duvet cover everywhere, however, he managed to make me out to be 'over-reacting'..... OVER-REACTING!? Red wine ALL OVER MY WALLS. The stain is quite special i have to add... it's everywhere.. The entire 2 walls involved need to be painted, will he do it? No... of course he won't because he said 'No one see's my bedroom' despite me JUST having it redecorated.
I am a very chilled relaxed person who takes A LOT of crap and never ever says anything bad, but combined with the abuse, the staying home alone, not answering his telephone, not wanting to see me, ruining my bedroom, i am losing patience..
Any advice would be great...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Belle,
Welcome to you, glad you are here, so sorry for all you are going through.
My first thought is that you deserve so much better, you sound like a very nice person.
I can only tell you what worked for me, individual therapy, treatment for my mental illness, this site, and al-anon.
You are only repsponsible for you, you are not responsible for him or his drinking.
Al-anon will help you learn to set boundaries and give you the strength to make the best choices.
Please come here often, read the stickies at the top of the page and the posts from other members.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Welcome to you, glad you are here, so sorry for all you are going through.
My first thought is that you deserve so much better, you sound like a very nice person.
I can only tell you what worked for me, individual therapy, treatment for my mental illness, this site, and al-anon.
You are only repsponsible for you, you are not responsible for him or his drinking.
Al-anon will help you learn to set boundaries and give you the strength to make the best choices.
Please come here often, read the stickies at the top of the page and the posts from other members.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 38
Welcome! Oh my gosh, sounds like what I went through with my ex A boyfriend putting me down for mental health issues or making them seem so much worse so what he did didn't seem bad. I hope that whatever happens, whatever you decide, that you are healthy and happy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
When my XABF started giving excuses not to come over- too tired, not feeling well, etc. etc. I thought he was just losing interest in seeing me but later found out that his disease was escalating and progressing into isolation with the alcohol. Unless he gets some help I don't see how things will improve and will probably get worse. I hope you are going to alanon and educating yourself on this disease and how it effects the other person involved - namely you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6
The worst bit is that he's been on Statins for high Cholesterol since last May, his BP pressure is sky high (150/120) and both his parents have had heart attacks, his fathers was fatal at the young age of 48.
He recently had more bloods done to check his Cholesterol level and it was down a bit but still high enough to remain on the medication. He liver levels came back 'High' but not 'high' enough for the doctor to be concerned, so that means he can still drink, however the doctor doesn't know how much he drinks.
He has regular bouts of IBS and Gout and neither he'll put down to drink.
I am so fed up... because 'HE'S THE NICEST PERSON WHEN HE'S NOT DRINKING'.......
He recently had more bloods done to check his Cholesterol level and it was down a bit but still high enough to remain on the medication. He liver levels came back 'High' but not 'high' enough for the doctor to be concerned, so that means he can still drink, however the doctor doesn't know how much he drinks.
He has regular bouts of IBS and Gout and neither he'll put down to drink.
I am so fed up... because 'HE'S THE NICEST PERSON WHEN HE'S NOT DRINKING'.......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
HE'S THE NICEST PERSON WHEN HE'S NOT DRINKING'.
Yes, they all are, they all are. But the reality is: he IS drinking. And sadly, the "being nice" when they are not drinking is part of their diseased behavior - they have to keep us hooked into them so we can continue to enable their choices. Many an A posesses an abundance of charm....but that does not negate the REALITY that they are an active alcoholic and destroying their life as well as ours if we choose to stay enmeshed in their insanity.
I needed AlAnon to learn some tools to allow me to step away and make choices that take me where I want to go. :codiepolice
Peace-
B
Yes, they all are, they all are. But the reality is: he IS drinking. And sadly, the "being nice" when they are not drinking is part of their diseased behavior - they have to keep us hooked into them so we can continue to enable their choices. Many an A posesses an abundance of charm....but that does not negate the REALITY that they are an active alcoholic and destroying their life as well as ours if we choose to stay enmeshed in their insanity.
I needed AlAnon to learn some tools to allow me to step away and make choices that take me where I want to go. :codiepolice
Peace-
B
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6
It's very difficult because he doesn't think he has a problem, so then i am questioning 'myself' because perhaps i am wrong and his drinking is normal.
(I don't drink AT ALL)
I'm not allowed, nor would i dare question it, because i did in the past and he told me that he knows people that drink MORE than he does, and if i don't like it, i know what i can do....
Christmas-time is always another excuse to drink more...
I believe 100% that because he's father died so young, he's convinced himself that he too will die young so he's not bothered about how much he drinks.
(I don't drink AT ALL)
I'm not allowed, nor would i dare question it, because i did in the past and he told me that he knows people that drink MORE than he does, and if i don't like it, i know what i can do....
Christmas-time is always another excuse to drink more...
I believe 100% that because he's father died so young, he's convinced himself that he too will die young so he's not bothered about how much he drinks.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi belle,
So sorry for what brings your here. One of the first things I learned early on is that alcoholism is a progressive disease unless the person decides to stop.
The sad truth is, you can't separate the "good" him from the "bad" him. He is both. No one is going to be able to just tell you what you can do to "fix" him. It simply does not work that way.
Can you love him as he is, where he is? If not, you may have to make some decisions for your own happiness and future.
So sorry for what brings your here. One of the first things I learned early on is that alcoholism is a progressive disease unless the person decides to stop.
Originally Posted by belle75 
I am so fed up... because 'HE'S THE NICEST PERSON WHEN HE'S NOT DRINKING'.......
Can you love him as he is, where he is? If not, you may have to make some decisions for your own happiness and future.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by belle75
...he told me that he knows people that drink MORE than he does, and if i don't like it, i know what i can do....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6
My ex husband didn't drink, but he was verbally, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive to me for 7 years, every-day...
Now this, i think i am drawn to men who are nasty to me and then i am made to feel the bad one, so i put up with it.
Says MORE about me than it does them.
TWO men, being abusive.. perhaps i deserve it!?
Now this, i think i am drawn to men who are nasty to me and then i am made to feel the bad one, so i put up with it.
Says MORE about me than it does them.
TWO men, being abusive.. perhaps i deserve it!?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Belle))) - You definitely do not deserve this type of treatment. I've had 3 relationships in my life, the first was for over 20 years with a functioning alcoholic who frequently told me "if you don't like it, leave". I didn't. What I DID do was get sicker and sicker in codependency, turned to drugs to "deal with it", became an addict who had 2 more relationships with addicts.
As ((Anvil)) said, my picker is broken. I've been working on building up my self esteem, seeing that I DO deserve to be treated with respect, and for now, not dating any one. I don't know when I'll be ready, but I know I want someone who complements my life, not someone I think completes it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As ((Anvil)) said, my picker is broken. I've been working on building up my self esteem, seeing that I DO deserve to be treated with respect, and for now, not dating any one. I don't know when I'll be ready, but I know I want someone who complements my life, not someone I think completes it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 6
Well Belle, I could have written that whole scenario with only a few changes...Like 'John' never made it to sobriety in its real form, I mean he was past the points of this man your dealing with, but he sounds just like him. He could not believe he was made to go to rehab(intervention at 33), he didn't drink much...lie...could not believe he lost his great ego job, he went down fast. Solitary drunk denial lies rehabs pain heartbreak refusals tears love hate ... dead by 36. Denial still perplexes me. Bottom line from what I have read he's not much of a catch, I'd bolt!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
