Petewill

Hello - at almost 90 days, I am having the hardest time not wanting to drink or do a drug. I have been going to meetings, have a sponsor, am trying to work on the steps (step 2 for the third time) Christmas was so rough and I just want to drink, just romanticizing it to the utmost degree. I am telling myself, since I am more of an alcoholic, I can get away with doing some coke.. ??? shared at the meeting earlier and sounded like a bumbling idiot. lol. I have been through alot and ended up having to go to rehab this last time, I do not want to repeat that, but honestly, the aloneness and the holidays are really messing with me. At least when I drink, I initially have the euphoria and don't care as much about anything.. now.... emotions all over the place.I realize that It will not get any better if I do pick up again, I just need something to get over this hump(not a drink or drug) thanks for reading.

jocata

Hang in there Pete. Remember this too shall pass. I have often felt like a bumbling idiot at times in meetings also, but it does us good to get this crap out. Keep sharing and hang close to your sponser. I wear my sponser's ear out sometimes. He tells me I am helping him as much as he helps me. I'll bet you sharing at that meeting helped someone there out.
Stay strong!
God bless.

Sapling

How have you done step 2 three times? You either come to believe something...or you don't....Congrats on 90 days...Hold on to that.

DanielR9

petewill, I know its an old cliche but just take it 1 day at a time and try to stay in the moment. 90 days mate that is fabulous,i am only 13 days. I am sure someone got something out of your share. We all have low self esteem thats why we think this way. Be positive mate and maybe try a bit of meditation to take your mind off yourself. Remember if we are in our own company we are in bad company. Maybe talk to your sponsor again.Hope this helps

Dee74

Welcome back

Congrats on nearly 90 days - I'm sorry you're still struggling tho, Pete.

I think it all changed for me when I accepted drinking was not a solution for me anymore - no matter how lonely or alone or stressed or whatever I got, drinking just made things worse.

A brief burst of euphoria is simply not worth it in anyones language - I even lost the euphoria by the end.

Have you been reading here today or re-read your old posts? That often shut my romancing up...there was nothing good left for me in a drink.


What does your sponsor say about all this?

D

gravity

Just a thought but maybe talk to your sponsor about working through the steps faster? I did steps 1, 2, and 3 in my first week of sobriety. I went through all steps in about 4 months. FYI, I've been sober for 4 years now.

Petewill

Thanks guys. Gravity, that is not a bad idea.. maybe not that fast for me, but speeding things up might be good..

DayTrader

Heh... in the earliest days of AA, Dr Bob (the co-founder of AA) completed his 9th step on his first day of sobriety.......

Early AA's from that point on, in Akron anyway (where, not surprisingly, their results were among the best in the nation - far surpassing what was happening in New York where Bill lived), you had to complete your first 3 steps before you went to your first meeting - and to take those first three shouldn't really take more than about 2 minutes.....

In my line of sponsorship, we work the "one day at a time" deal - which is NOT "just don't drink, one day at a time" nor is it "we stay sober, one day at a time." One day at a time comes from one of the commonly used prayers in AA and has nothing to do with drinking..... anyway...... lol In my line of sponsorship, we practice the program as Archie T, who was the first AA in Michigan, had learned it in Akron - that being AA is a 24 hour program. We live TODAY.....we don't drink TODAY.......we ask God to provide only what we need TODAY.....and we work all 12 steps......(you guessed it).....TODAY. That means all 12, each and every day. With practice, you can knock out the first 3 in a couple minutes, do a mini 4th in another minute, 5th step with your sponsor when you call him (which we do on a daily schedule) in a couple minutes...... then you've got the rest of the whole day to hit 6-12.

Now granted, knocking out the first 3 steps in 3 or 4 minutes doesn't imply that you've learned everything there is to know about them but then again, the steps were not designed to be taken once, to be taken perfectly the first time, and not to be revisited.

MY experience was a slow trip though the steps my first time. I basically refused to work them quickly. Part of that was because it took me forever to understand them and I'd asked a guy to sponsor me who seemed cool....said good things at meetings.....but who really had no experience with the actual steps himself. He knew "about" them but hadn't really worked them himself (hence, the danger of asking someone to be your sponsor without first asking around for some suggestions on who's good and who's not). He had no personal experience WITH them. I was drastically over-complicating the program but I didn't know I was. Add to it, that line about "half measures availed us nothing" loomed large in my head. I half-measured just about everything in my life and it got me nowhere. Where my sobriety was concerned, I was too afraid to half-measure a step..... I'm not saying my path was a good one.....just that it was my path.

susanlauren

Step Two is a question: Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there is a Power greater than myself? If I can answer "yes" to that question, then I have taken step two and I am ready to move on to the 3rd step. My conception of a power greater than myself becomes clearer as I work the remainder of the steps. Step one is the problem (powerlessness). Step two is the solution (power -- a power greater than myself). Step three is a decision. It is not important that you are able to define or understand what that power is. All that matters is belief or even a mere willingness to believe. It sounds as if you would benefit greatly from a stepped up (as in faster) taking of the steps. At step two, I was still suffering from untreated alcoholism.

DayTrader

I hiiiiighly recommend the Alcoholism / 12-step section of these forums. There's a TON of experience there.....ppl who've had every issue, every dilemma, everything you mentioned......and they all found a way past it....and a way to happy content long term sobriety. Post your 2nd step issues down there, you'll get plenty of responses from folks who've successfully worked the program for many years.

I can identify with the coke deal...... I did that same asinine dance myself for a while. Thank God, I never followed through with it. For me, it was just my alcoholism talkin' to me....using whatever angle it could to get me "back out there" one more time. For me, that voice got louder and louder though....it didn't go away.....not until I got scared and realized if I didn't get moving a little faster through the steps I was headed for a relapse.

Dealing with the loneliness and "getting over the hump" are also intertwined with your step work. Stuck on step X (even 12), for someone who's an alcoholic of the type where there is not other solution BUT the spiritual one of the 12 steps, spells disaster.

My only chance at lasting long term sobriety and a truly happy life was to get that complete spiritual make-over the book talks about. I knew I needed a major overhaul....and the ppl who went before me guaranteed me that I'd get precisely that......IF I did the work. Hearing that old alcoholic insanity may just be the motivation you need to (as it was for me) to maybe be willing to set aside your reservations with step 2 and move forward again.

There's no coasting on the spiritual highway..... there's moving down the path or moving off the path. (and off the path is dangerous waters for an alkie like me).

Pigtails

Hi. I am really sorry you are feeling this way. I think the holidays can be a really hard time. I have a feeling this is temporary for you and once you get through it, you will feel even stronger and better, healthier and happier. Please keep that hope and do not drink or use coke etc. I don't know much about the steps stuff yet (wow, all 12 steps every day sounds intense, but, whatever works!!!) but I admire you for posting here and going to meetings when you feel tempted, and for staying strong enough to stay away from alcohol and drugs even when you really want to do them. That is inspirational to me and I thank you for sharing. Please remember you're worth sobriety and it's not worth it to take a huge step backwards... just keep going forwards. Best wishes!!

Sapling

This is the way I did it...I'd recommend it...I've seen the results of the alternative...Read the book...Read the book....Read the book. Watch for phrases like...

we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action

it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort

This requires action on our part

When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time.

Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead."

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development

If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

Sorcerer

I am an Alcoholic, my natural state is DRUNK. It is a miracle that I am not. But whenever I get those urges to drink, I remember it is in my nature to drink. When I was active, every single time I felt an urge to drink/use ... I did. I was a slave to this disease. In recovery I understand I don't have to drink/use. I also know, that as an alcoholic who wants to drink, I can not keep myself sober. This has been big for me when dealing with the desire to drink. There is no good reason that I am able to stay sober, if it were just up to me, I wouldn't be. A power greater than myself (not necessarily god, just NOT ME) keeps me sober. When I feel an urge, I pray. I also find acceptance. I accept that I am an alcoholic, that I want to drink. I pray for the strength to stay sober. For freedom of the bondage of self. Reaching out is a great way to counter that urge right away. Staying isolated is a sure fire way to use. You are evidently reaching out and thats awesome! Anyway, when I want to drink I try to remember that I have a built-in-forgetter. I forget many times a day that I am an alcoholic. I forget what brought me here. My disease uses that to try to get me to drink. When I think about what would happen after I take that first drink, I start getting grateful real quick for sobriety. Be well!

Petewill

once again, I truly appreciate the feedback on this forum, it is so uplifting. I am still in this mindset, I can't seem to get out. I did go to a meeting today and was encouraged to just stick out and told I will be stronger afterward. At this point, I feel like I am still contemplating wanting to drink or do a drug.. sucks. I texted the sponsor because I knew he was working, but did not talk to him later.. i was playing with a band. now, it's too late to call. i don't know what's wrong.. I am going to do some step work right now.. at least answer a few of the questions. thanks for reading..

DayTrader

call anyway. a good sponsor doesn't put a time constraint on when they're willing to help. I take my cell to bed with me (leave it on loud on the nightstand) for exactly this reason. If your sponsor objects, good......you know it's time to find a better sponsor. At least you found out you picked the wrong person early on and before you wasted too much time with them.

My fits of depression and obsession over a drink rarely hit from 9 - 5... they almost allllllllllllways came after 10pm. Anyone experienced with alcoholism should know this......and anyone experienced with recovery in AA should know that we fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and to others 24/7.......not just when it's convenient.

Sapling

The first thing my sponsor told me to do was call him every night...If I can't even get that right...How bad do I really want this?....I got it right. I guess you just need a little more contemplation.