healthyagain

but I apparently have issues too as his codependent. I just feel so weak and handling this makes me so tired and drained. And I keep saying that I will do something, but I do not do anything in the end.

My alcoholic husband will apparently not let his beer go, and now it feels like I am playing mind games with him. I have been considering joining a support group for a long time (I admit, it has been over a year, and I was posting here long time ago). Can someone explain me the mechanism: so, I do not want to expose the problem in public because I do not want to make him feel embarrassed (and myself too), yet he does not mind hurting me emotionally day after day after day? Do alcoholics care about anything else but alcohol?

Also, a question for those who joined al-anon: did this step have any positive influence on your alcoholic partner? I am aware that I must focus on myself and my thoughts and actions, but it just blows my mind that it is not possible to sit and talk to him about this problem, even when he is sober. It is like talking to a brick wall.

suki44883

It sounds to me like you have some decisions to make. It also sounds like you still hope that something YOU do or say will affect what HE does. Get that idea right out of your head because nothing you do or say is going to make him stop drinking.

Yes, talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is like talking to a brick wall. They only hear what they want to hear and make excuses about how they can stop whenever they want and they aren't really an alcoholic and they don't have a problem. Maybe he doesn't have a problem, but YOU do. He's happy drinking, so he has no problem with it.

You need to decide whether or not you have had enough. Going to al-anon is a way for you to learn how to take care of yourself and detach from what he does. It isn't to be used as a way to convince him to stop drinking. You cannot convince him to stop drinking. He's going to do whatever he's going to do, just as he has always done. It's time for you to learn how to take care of yourself regardless of what he does.

tabatha

Yes it is a brick wall and yes the alcohol is THE most important thing in their life. Hard to imagine for those who are not addicted but it seems to be a reality of the disease. Alanon meetings helped me realize this and also helped me take care of me. The meetings I went to had no positive effect on AB at all but did help me to stop the enabling and worry over how to 'fix' him. It's heartbreaking to go through and we try so hard to help but sometimes we help in the wrong way. That's why it's so important to get as much info as you can from alanon.

fedup3

It's because you're not an alcoholic. Yes, Al-Anon is for you not for him and probably won't make a single difference to him if you go, but you need it for you! There was a time in my life with my ex that I would have done anything to keep people from finding out the truth about my ex but guess what they all told me when I finally confided in them about the problem that they all knew for years he was an alcoholic and they were just waiting for me to finally admit it, ugh. Sometime letting out the dark secrets can be so freeing for one's soul.

healthyagain

Everything you say makes perfect sense. And it is true that I am still hoping that something I do might affect him. It is kinda funny and ironic, me joining al-anon might affect him but more as in "**** him off"; it will certainly not be like "oh, she is not keeping it secret anymore, I better stop."

I am learning how to act, reading a lot, modifying my actions...it is hard and I have to keep reminding myself what to do and what not to do. It is not that I want to "fix" him directly. It is more that I want to fix the relationship, and it cannot be really fixed because he will not change (or to be more precise, I do not have power to change him). My main "problem" is that I see marriage as partnership, and I do not see partnership in our relationship. It reminds me of a power struggle sometimes. Sometimes I win, sometimes he wins...but the struggle continues. And do I want to struggle for the rest of my life?

GirlFromCO

Hi HealthyAgain,

I've been on both sides of the equation, most recently as the alcoholic. All I can say is that part of being an active alcoholic means you don't care how your actions affect other people. As long as he is drinking, it doesn't matter what you do. When I was drinking, my husband could have fallen off a bridge or won the Nobel peace prize and it would have had the same impact on me. Right now he is the center of his universe.

So, you have to learn how to protect yourself because he is not going to do you any favors right now in that regard. I think Al-Anon is a good idea, and posting here always helps. You're not wrong for needing some security. It's not selfish.

dollydo

That's what we codependents do, we avoid, cover up and lie for the addict in our life. This is very counterproductive and helps no one.

Your recovery from codependency is yours to accomplish, his from addiction is his to accomplish. Until both of you get healthy nothing will improve, as, you are both sick.

healthyagain

Thank you! It is funny in a way. I am just imagining reading your replies 4-5 years ago, when everything started, and I would probably be angry for being called sick because I simply could not see that I had a problem and that I was sick indeed. I was sacrificing myself for some kind of ideal, romantic love (and have to admit that I expected the other side to do something similar), but then again, you can still love someone, but there is absolutely no need to put up with so much pain. My system of beliefs is all wrong, and it took me 5 years to figure this out. You can love someone, but why would you let anyone consume your personality so that you become a shadow of your previous self?

My husband is never physically abusive, but when it comes to verbal insults, he is a rattlesnake. I know exactly how much he has to drink to become that way. He enters the room as one person, then he drinks, and here comes the monster. Maybe he thinks he is cool when he gets that way, that arrogance and insults give him some kind of power over me, but he is just pushing me away. And he cannot see that.

So, I have to promise myself today that I will love myself first. I will not yell and scream and argue anymore. I will not be around him when he starts rattling. My husband does have qualities, but he also has that ugly dark side that I truly hate. But then again, I have to repeat to myself that the solution is inside of me and stop destroying myself for love.

m1k3

Healthyagain, I can so relate.

The best way I can describe it was I had a hole in me that I was trying to fill with my alcoholic wife. It didn't work, not even a little.

As I worked my recovery and began to get better I stopped trying to fill the hole with her and started to fill it with me. It has worked really, really well.

Your friend,