bayliss

The last few days were a little tricky - as everyone that surrounded me was drinking because it was the holidays - so I won't lie and say I didn't have some...or a few bottles...

I have gotten to the point...where I really don't want to drink...but I keep doing it. There is so much booze in the house because of Christmas...and there will be more because of the New Year coming up...
I don't want to drink but I still wake up and pour that glass. I am afraid of quitting in case of how I will feel...anxiety, depressed...withdrawls...
This doesn't make a lot of sense to me anymore...
It's funny...I don't think I am as addicted as a lot of other people. I don't wake up with the shakes but the cravings are there, or I feel like I need to drink to feel "normal".
I really want to stop...so why is this feeling so overpowering?
Or am I just stopping myself?
A vent...

Let's try day 1 again tomorrow.

FoundmySelf

Funny thing Bayliss, tomorrow always leads to the next tomorrow. Why not start today!!!

Dominica2

I am with you there. I will not drink tonight, even though I will want to, I wont. I will throw the alcohol out and deal with it.

DayTrader

Id suggest that some of your beliefs about what alcoholism is are a tad off base. Morning shakes, "needing" a drink all the time, needing to drink to feel normal..... those are just some of the symptoms.

The bigger symptoms are these:
Feeling depressed
Feeling anxious
Feeling nervous
Finding the decision to stop drinking has little or no effect upon whether you drink again (for long)
noticing that once you start to drink, you prettymuch lose control over the amount (ie - inability to hold it to "just one or two" every time you start drinking)

If those sound familiar.........well then it's easy. The feeling is so overpowering because you're an alcoholic and you're suffering from untreated alcoholism. My experience: once that line's crossed there's no going back and it'll continue to get worse.......slowly but surely........over time.....until it kills you, you kill yourself, you get locked up or institutionalized OR you seek out and participate in REAL core recovery.

Obviously, that last one is the one nobody really wants to have to do......and they usually don't until the other options start looming larger in their life.

I'll offer this suggestion though.... IF you've made the decision to quit before........and if you summoned up all your resolve.........all your will.........and it didn't work because here you are again with a new last drink date (and believe me.......I did the SAME THING so I'm not throwing stones), when is it time to stop the "I quit, I'm here for support, I can do it" delusion and start making some REAL and LASTING changes?

I really want you to recover........and I KNOW you can........ I just don't know that this time doing it on your own will be any different than the other times.

Fandy

I don't mean tosound cliche, but if you don't change what you do, you'll never change.

you can conjure up excuse after excuse...but you still don't admit the truth to yourself.

if you are not happy with your life it's got to be you who takes control and makes the changes.

you can vent all you need to here and everywhere, but in real life you must take a long hard look at the person in the mirror. Where do you want to be in 6 months a year? the same cycle of misery? or working towards a happier future.

If you need to drink to feel "normal" the problem is staring you in the face, no matter if it's Christmas, New Years, Washington's Birthday or Fat Tuesday. you might not have so many "tomorrow is day 1's" left.

I hope you make this HOUR your stopping point, but i get the feeling you don't want to stop...you want everything to magically happen without the work.

GirlFromCO

We all start this way. For real change, you have to get ready for some real work. It's worth it. It can be one of the most important things you will ever do - that's what you're looking at right now.

1undone

If that doesn't scream full blown alcoholism I don't know what does. Im not trying to sound mean, I'm very sympathetic. I just think you have a stereotype in your head about what an alcoholic looks like and how they function. You are young and the visuals of alcohol are probably not showing yet on your outside but they will.

Get some help my dear, you are very ill. Please don't wait until you start to look like that stereotype in your head.

My best.

Fandy

the last time you started a thread about a week prior, you were in full desperation about your public actions and embarrassment at a Christmas party/bar and how your BF mistreated you.

when suggestions were posted to help you, you seemed to slough them off and gave the impression you were doing better, actively seeking a job, cleaning the house, "home improvement projects", etc.

so my point is, more time has passed for your and you are still in the same place, doing the same thing, saying the same thing but actively doing nothing except continuing to drink more. and of course it's always the circumstances that leads you to drink to excess.

and the longer you put off accepting the reality of your situation, it's not going to be easier. we can offer and suggest/listen all day..but you are the one who has to make a decision to act instead of excusing yourself or placing blame on others.

I don't want to wish my previous desperation on anyone, but if it comes to that, the only way to climb is up.

irab

Listen - you have a disease. its not what YOU want or don't want.

The disease will make you want to drink and is running the show with your big ego and self pity.
Surrender your big ego and get to a meeting !
Go to 90 meetings in 90 days Get a sponsor. hang around recovering people
make a decision that you are powerless over alcohol and you life has become unmanagable

If you can't or won't - it will progress destructively - to rock bottom ( what ever that is for you )
some become street people and eat at the mission. some prostitutes

I don't know what it will take for you to surrender ? tired of being tired

Your life will get progressively worse. This disease will stop at NOTHING - to destroy you.
decide when you have had enough of self destruction ! and get some help

You cannot do this alone !!

Dee74

I'm sorry you're still struggling Bayliss - but, as one who's been there, there's only one way to break the cycle, and thats to break the cycle.

Noone ever drunk themselves into recovery - god knows I tried.

There's lots of support out there - AA, SMART etc - counselling, rehab - but you need to face the fear that's keeping you drinking if you want to change.

I know it's terrifying - but you're not alone

That fear paralysed me and nearly killed me - don't let it keep you down another day, Bayliss.

D

bayliss

Thanks everyone for posting.

It is true what some are saying. I don't know why but I do feel like it should be handed to me on a silver platter...this thing called sobriety...I do expect it to be easy since it was so "easy" to get into this self destructive pattern.
I KNOW I need to work hard at this. I have no idea why I expect others to do things for me...the dependancy on my boyfriend and all those things...I don't know where I lost myself along the way...well, I do...I lost it at some point at the bottom of a damn wine bottle.
I really do want this...I am trying not to cry and stuff...I know I need to be stronger and it is so true...if I don't do anything about it...than who knows what will be next. I don't want to die...I don't want to get a DUI or break a leg or arm while drinking or neglect the ones that I love but that is what is going to happen if I don't do something about this pattern...
I really want a good life. I really want to be sober and happy 6 months from now. I want to be healthy and fit, I most of all, just really REALLY want to be happy.

And you are right DayTrader -- I need to realize that just because I don't have the shakes...I do have the damn crazy anxiety...and just by drinking - it makes it worse...I want it to stop. What a vicious circle...

What is it that some people do? Do you write a "love" letter to alcohol? Or rather hate-mail. Lol.

I drank quite a bit this morning...and since I ran out by 2pm I have been having anxiety as I am coming down off the booze.
Gin is staring me in the face.
I would pour it out - if this bottle wasn't so damn expensive.
I guess either way though it doesn't matter. It will either clean out my drain pipes...or just rob me of my happiness...
Either way.

I know I keep coming back here...and I know I keep "whining"...I am trying...I am frustrated...I am young and haven't been drinking for that long. I do have an addictive personality...I really do want to stop.
Before I didn't...but I do now...

It really is becoming exhausting.
And yes Dee...I can't keep being scared...I gotta do something...
Maybe I will have to get back into contact with my addictions counsellor.
I totally ignored her phone calls a few months back - hopefully she takes me back. Surely she knows how addicts tend to run away from the issue.

Thanks.

lookinforward

Bayliss I have been there.
I was the poster child for the definition of insanity. I kept doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. This miserable nightmare is not going to change on its own. You have to step up and change. Change for the sun coming up in the morning. Change for the orchids that bloom in the middle of the full moon. Change for a better life.
No one told me that alcohol was going to steal 30 years of my life. I am telling you now. It will take 30 yrs. away in the blink of an eye. If you need professional help...get it. Do not waste another moment because each day that you drink adds up to a week, month, year, a lifetime.
The fear of not drinking was so great for me. I came up with an excuse to keep drinking for every social event, holiday, party, sporting event.....****....everyday. Who am I kidding. I was the life of every party. That was my job and I was good at it. At some point I turned into a drunk. How cool is that? Not Very.
Bottom line. No more examples

Stop wondering if you should do something.....Change.

If you drink in the morning. You have a problem. If you drink when you dont want to...You have a problem. If you drink everyday...you have a problem. If you get on a public forum and ask for help with your drinking....You must think that you have a problem.

Get help now!

I am not trying to be harsh.....I just dont want to see you waste 1/3 of your life like I did.

Friends in Sobriety
Dave

bayliss

Thanks very much Dave.
I understand and can relate in everything that you said...you are right in everything that you said...drinking morning, noon and night...not good. Drinking to deal with my anxiety - nope...worse....
I drank when I was on antidepressants - I was never depressed....so it made it worse...and even after stopping the pills...I am still in self-destruction mode...
And yes, I was the life of the party all of the time...never anymore...I get too drunk too fast...I just end up looking like a fool.

I don't know why I am so afraid of change! I don't know how I got here! Well, I do. I picked that stupid bottle up time and time again...to the point where it just became routine...
I know people are asking me what I am doing with my life...that I quit my job and working on the apartment. I am a good person. I am really just struggling.
I miss my family...and I know I have some issues I need to work out (who doesn't). I just found the absolutely ridiculously wrong coping mechanism to deal with all of these overwhelming feelings.
I lost myself along the way...
As I sit here staring at a drink I seriously LOATHE it.
This clandestine relationship I have with alcohol has to come to an end...everyone knew about it 3 months ago and than I began to hide it again. I need to oust it once more.
It isn't worth it...
And I understand Dave...if I don't stop...and seriously implement a plan - who knows where I will end up.

irab

You want it handed to you on a silver platter !- what an ego you have. a bit of Arrogance too !
Your ego is destroying you!
It will come with hard work, commitment to a sober lifestyle,
working the steps with a sponsor
attending lots of meetings
I went to 2 or 3 a day !! for awhile.
The step-workbooks are on line - get started NOW
don't wait for the crash !
There are 12 steps
Start with Step 1
Get a female sponsor - ask her how she did it !
relapses may be in store for you - we shall see
You must Surrender !!

DarrenW

Seriously...not wanting to pour the alcohol out because it was expensive?? Really? We all have problems- Drinking isnt one of mine anymore. I will be pulling for you.

Good luck.

Terminally Unique

It does matter. Toss the bottle or give it to a neighbor. You can do either without delay.

TheOjibway84

it doesn't matter if you think you aren't as additced as some other people. You haven't gotten shakes or anything.... the keyword is "YET" every suffering addiction comes with more prices later on. I never reached shakes myself. But the way I drank was very bad. Being afraid to quit because of depression aniexty and withdrawals sounds like you may not be ready to quit drinking yet. It's something you really want in life. To be sober. Depending on how long you've been drinking depends on how your body reacts when stopping. Some say stop cold turkey which is a very dangerous way of quitting. If you really want to quit you may want to call your local detox center or check out AA because AA is free as long as you give some money. But if you really want to quit, please understand that using the fact that your afraid of those symptoms showing up once you stop isn't a good idea because you'll continue to drink. But stop now before things get worse, as getting sober over time things can get better, they may not seem great but it'll be better then waking the next morning beating yourself down by drinking the night before. maybe you can arrange another get together for new years eve, Im 27 and I don't go out and do anything anymore, I sit in the family room, watch videos and eat popcorn with my parents and when the countdown comes we wait then celebrate with ole coca cola non mixed of course. It has shown me in the past that New YEars Eve is still fun and can leave good memories rather then wake up the next morning with a major hangover and not remembering what happened. Good luck and try hard!

RobbyRobot

If we could all stop without struggles and hardships then there would be no need for actual recovery, we would just quit when we desired. The truth is of course that its not easy to quit alcohol.

Some people are of the school that we already have inside us personally what it takes to stop abusing alcohol, and including some help from others availble in many different ways we are good to go.

Others, including me, understand that stopping alcoholism requires more then we humanly have to bring to the challenge, and so we need an ongoing spiritual solution to bring about the end of the alcoholism and live a life of sobriety.

I'm sure you'll have to come to some kind of a descision as to how you want to understand your alcoholism. It really dosen't matter which school of thought you may come to accept -- ironically both schools work as well as any other has been my experience. It really depends on the individual.

I will say though that whatever way you use to stop drinking and become sober it starts with putting down that drink no matter what else.

And the other thing is to be true to yourself and follow your heart as to what recovery works best for you. We must be honest with ourselves to stay sober and live sober.

I do know from my own experience, that yes I was stopping myself each time I had that drunk going on from reaching for that drink.

Anna

Bayliss, I'm not a 'tough-love' person but, really, I think you 'would like to' stop drinking or 'it would be nice if' you stopped drinking. If you WANT to stop drinking, then you take action. The cost of the gin is nothing compared to the poison you are putting into your body. Pour it out. Don't buy more. Go somewhere else where there is not alcohol everywhere. Spend New Year's Eve doing something positive in your community. You have a choice.

Gettingstarted

I have been telling myself tomorrow I will make a change... But i was always drunk when i thought it or wrote it. It wasn't until I was taking anti anxiety meds and drinking which led to having awake blackouts with my older teens around that I said.....TODAY!!!!

It has only been two weeks - but I'm finding it a teeny bit easier each day. Only you will know when you are ready, but I hope it is TODAY!!!