Samsara99

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and thought I would post for advice...I'm so lost and confused. My husband and I separated a little over two years ago, and we have shared custody of our two children half and half. One week at my house, the other week at his house. I always thought he was a great father to them. One problem we've had is he could not afford to pay certain bills, or split costs of schools supplies, uniforms, etc with me. I do make more money than him, so took it as that was the reason. Today I find out he is addicted to Roxy's....after a horrible Christmas night where he dropped the kids off to me, and I discovered them screaming and crying for their dad to not kill himself.

I'm really confused and not sure where to go from here. I told him he needs to call for help immediately, tomorrow, if he cares about the kids and wants to have them again. I am not sure if he is really going to or not. I don't know how to handle what I will tell my kids about why they are not going to their dads next weekend. The oldest is 10 and youngest 6. If he does go, how will I really ever know if he is using or not? How will I be able to make sure my kids are safe? I don't know where to go from here. Does anyone have any advice that can help me figure out what to do now?

laurie6781

First I will say WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a really great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope. Check out the 'stickys' at the top of the forum, read some of the threads, feel free to continue to ask questions, etc.

I can only share from my own experience. First tell the children that daddy is 'too sick' right now to take care of them. Second, find an attorney and get into Family Court ASAP and get a visitation order by the court for Supervised Only Visistation as he has a drug problem, is scaring his children, and is not fit to be alone with them right now.

This is for your protection also, since you now know for sure of his drug usage, some CPS's could say you were neglectful in allowing the children to be in his custody.

If you have any doubts about how this is affecting your children you might also want to check out our Adult Children of A's forum to see how their experiences have carried over into their adult life.

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Please feel free to come here, rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes even laugh. Know we are walking with you in spirit.

I/we know this is not easy, but you can get through this and you and your children can come out close to 'whole.'

So, pull up your keyboard, grab and chair and join us!!!!!

Love and hugs,

Panda13

I think the first thing I would do in this type of a situation is protect your kids at all costs. I can't imagine what that must have felt like when you discovered them screaming and crying for their father to not kill himself. If you told him that if he cares about the kids and want to see them by getting help tomorrow, chances are he won't.

He's obviously been hiding his addiction well and now it's time to take charge and for you to get some helpful information. He's the one that has to want sobriety. He needs to make the choice of getting clean or using. No matter how much you want for him and no matter how much you do for him, he needs to want sobriety.

You did the right thing by coming here for advice. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this over the holidays and in no way is it fair to your kids. They don't need to see their father like that, especially pleading for him to live. I wish almost everyday that love can conquer all but with addiction it never does, because that's how selfish the disease is.

Welcome to SR. I've only been on this forum for a week and its become a life saver for me, as I hope it will be for you. Protect your kids from a father they don't recognize due to his drug use. I hope and pray you start the new year with answers on how to go from here. Keep coming back and read more stories and advice you can take.

*Hugs*

outtolunch

Does the ex live within walking distance or does he put the kids in his car?

Would you allow anyone else under the influence to drive your kids anywhere?

Get a court order. Heck, get a restraining order.

Samsara99

No, he doesn't live within walking distance, and he drove them to me on Christmas night and looking back now, I'm sure he was on something. Of course I wouldn't let anyone drive my kids around, nor would I let him. I had no prior knowledge at all, and now that I do, he's not getting them back until I know he is clean and sober.

Since my last posting, I went to the courthouse and I can't file any custody arrangements since we are still legally married. I need to start the divorce process in order to do this, which I have now begun. He understands that I am not letting him have the kids back and has enrolled in a rehab and begins detox in a few days. I also spoke with an attorney that said I should put in our parenting plan that I want random drug testing done, because my fear is of a relapse and I wouldn't know.

I am still very sad over this whole new direction my "co-parenting" has gone, and that he has chosen these horrible pills over having a normal relationship with our children, but I feel a little bit stronger that I have made progress in what needs to be done to protect my kids. Thanks for the advice...I'm sure I'll be back for more.

Panda13

Don't blame yourself. You had no way of knowing, and since you know now you've taken the right steps into protecting your kids and yourself. He has a disease and addiction is a very selfish one. When my mom put me through the hell of her disease of alcoholism (sober for 4 years now) I always asked my family if I'm enough. It took me a long time to accept that she was sick and that addiction is a disease. You should feel stronger with the progress you've made. Keep being strong and your kids will see how great and strong you are for doing what you're doing.

Happy New Years

Panda