kindle11

Hello, I am new to this forum or any forum for that matter. I am at my wits end and need advice from a neutral source. I have been married for 23 years. I met my husband at work and we started dating (if you could call it that). I was 18 and quite wild. I lived with a good friend (female)....our first apartment after leaving home. Our relationship consisted of getting drunk and partying most of the time. Back then it seemed fun....now not at all. We moved in together and that did not last long. He left me for the older woman he was living with prior to meeting me. I was heart broken and did everything I could to get him back.....I won and know now I would have been better off if I had left him alone. Long story, short our life is miserable. We have two wonderful children, a son who is 16 and a daughter who is 7. Me and my husband do not really associate. After his many years of drinking I just don't care anymore. Yesterday was Christmas and he stayed gone all day (he did watch the kids open their gifts). Christmas Eve and all the ones prior to this one I am up until late into the night putting together the toys, etc while he is either gone or passed out. We basically just exist in the same household. I sleep with our daughter because he gets so drunk he wets the bed. He gets mad at me if we don't have sex but he is usually too drunk to have sex but he tells me I am "with-holding" myself from him. I enjoy sex too but not with a drunk. He does work but never comes straight in but stays out in his workshop drinking. Very rare that we ever sit down to eat supper together. He doesn't attend any family functions. He blames me for all of our problems, financially, sexually, etc. I am not perfect and do have faults which he loves to throw in my face. He tells our son all of our problems and I hate this. A teenager is dealing with enough already without having to listen to his drunk daddy tell him how much money we do or don't have, or what his daddy thinks of me. I have chronic foot pain and was placed on hydrocodone years ago. I take 2-3 tablets a day. It does not hinder me in any way. I do believe I am addicted to them but do not obtain them illegally. He like to tell our son that I am a drug addict. He does crazy things like hide my night gowns and bras. He one time moved my dresser and personal effects out of our bedroom and put them in our daughter's room....right in the middle of the room, thrown and scattered in the floor. I am reluctant to let the children have spend the night company.

I recently lost my job of 13 years and was devastated. I worked in the healthcare field and loved my job. It was almost like a death to me. I feel "stuck" in this sad, depressed home. So do our children, I am starting to see depression in our son. I really need some advice as of what to do. I live next door to my dad and step-mom but they do not have enough room for us to live there nor the funds to help me leave. I am looking for employment and it is hard to find a job in our area. I am so tired of this daily battle and it worries me sick that our children have to live in this.

Just a little background info: my husband's parents and siblings were all alcoholics and my husband is probably the most stable of his family (that's scary)...most of them have passed away. He used to drink with his Mother and I hated the way he treated her....even though she thought it was ok, ex. telling dirty jokes, calling her names, etc. I should have known after all these years he would not treat me any better. He is obnoxious and has lost several friends because of the way he acts when drunk. Any advice welcome....thanks

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you are here, but very sad about the circumstances that bring you here. You will find information and support here.

I recommend reading and posting as much as needed. We have, collectively, seen with our own eyes, heard with our own ears, felt with our own hearts - pretty much everything you describe.

I was married to an active alcoholic for 14 years. He alcoholism progressed to loss of body functions too. It is also common to be blamed for any and all problems related to life.

Alcoholics are masters of manipulation, blame-shifting, denial, and lies, lies, lies. They are also King Babies and think the world should revolve around them.

I learned some valuable skills through this site, self-improvement books and Alanon meetings.

here are a few of my favorite things:

The three C's of alcoholism:

You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it.

The addiction belongs to the addict, as well as the consequences.

I also followed these steps while living with my alcoholic, and it helped keep me sane:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

kindle11

That you for the welcome to SR. I understand where you have been....yet I still don't handle it very well. Not sure where to turn. I want to leave but I recently lost my job of 13 years and am pretty much stuck in my situation. My husband is so full of pride that it is sickening....really. He is the kind that thinks, I am 47 years old and work hard.....I can do what ever I want to. I actually am numb to him now....I don't nag him, I just don't care anymore. I do however care a great deal about my children and can see how it effects my son who is 16. I am afraid he is going to rebel big time. I am going to check for Al Anon meetings in my area.

This disease has touched my family at all levels. My Mama died a few years ago (at the age of 57) of liver failure. My sister who is 38 is quickly following in her footsteps. I have tried everything I know to help her but as with my husband I have grown numb after years of trying with no results from her. Our daddy (also recovered alcoholic) has sent her to several different rehabs....some very costly and some just your basic "dry-out" facilities. Her boyfriend actually sent her to Miami to a 10,000.00 recovery program....no results. That just proves until they want to quit, they won't.

I look forward to learning different ways to deal with all of this. Thanks for your post and please keep in touch with anything you think will help.

Thanks

Pelican

I was a SAHM (stay at home mom) for 12 of the 14 years in the marriage. I didn't think there was a way out for me.

My children were part of the reason I really started looking for options to change my circumstances. I had a son and daughter at home still when I left. I realized that my accepting unacceptable behavior was sending a message to my children of how adult relationships work.

I did not want my daughter being treated the way I was being treated from her life partner.

I did not want my son thinking it was okay to treat his partner the way my husband treated me.

I started attending Alanon and following wisdom from members here, but I also consulted with attorneys to find out what my legal rights were and what my options were according to my state. Most lawyers will offer a free consultation. I used two different consultations - with completely different opinions before I decided to go ahead and seek legal closure to the marriage.

It really helped me to formulate a plan once I knew what my options were. It was the not knowing and self-doubts that kept me awfulizing and stuck. Alanon helped with my self-confidence. I learned that I can make healthy choices for myself and children. I am a capable adult.

Please give yourself time to make changes. One day at a time.
We didn't arrive in these situations overnight, and it will takes more than a day to get ourselves into something healthier.

Keep reading and posting. We care.

fedup3

Pelican is so right we didn't get in this position overnight and it will take some time to get out of it You don't have to do anything right this moment but try to calm your mind during the day and make a plan on where you and the kids should be not where you are at and going to Al-Anon will help you'll meet others who have walked down your path before you and they will be a help you. I know it's hard with kids especially teenagers and I remember when my son was your sons age the one thing I did right was to show him that I was still his parent that loved him but that I expected him to obey they need stability even when what is happening around them does not always show stability.

My prayers are with you, keep posting we're here for you.

Willybluedog

Welcome Kindle, so glad you found us, this is a great place to get some nuch needed support.

I you have not already done please check out the ACOA page, especially the stickies at the top, there are also some great threads on copeing and building self-esteem.

Please consider going to al-anon and getting your son to ala-teen, also he may be able to get counseling and help for depression through the school nurse or guidance counselor.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

kindle11

Thanks to all for your support and comments. I am really feeling down today. I had mentioned in my first post about losing my job. Well, it is a HUGE strain for our family right now. I was denied unemployment and now I have to wait on a hearing. I called the Department of Labor this morning and they said it would be the second week in January before they give me a hearing date. This is the first time I have ever filed for unemployment and I had no idea how long it takes. I have been looking for a job but there are not many available right now. My husband is even worse when money is tight and I dread hearing him pull up in the driveway. I have always been an independant person and having to depend on him for everything is hard. He seems to enjoy the control he has over me now. I find myself resenting him even more now. I am really at my wit's end today. I am going to the Al Anon meeting tomorrow night. I could not find a meeting for my son. We live in a rural area and the meeting is 20 miles away....perhaps they can let me know of a meeting for my son.

I have several good friends here and they all agree I need to leave my husband but like a couple of you have posted...it will take time. I am not a very patient person but I have no other choice.

I will keep posting and appreciate all comments bact to me....God Bless each of you.

kindle11

jds0401,

Thank you for your encouraging words. I know I will find a job eventually and I would actually love to move to another town. The school system where we live is not the greatest. I also live next door to my family and that is not always the best situation. I am trying really hard not to react to his actions but it is so hard. He is locked in our bedroom right now.....drinking and talking on the phone. If I ever need to get in there to get anything I have to knock and wait for him to decide to open the door. I am so sick of living like this. I hope your situation works out well for you and we both find happiness and peace in the near future.

Thanks