DisplacedGRITS

So i'm about to go on a 4 day trip (10 hours in a small car with my mom, dad and sister) to see my grandparents in Florida. My husband is staying behind to be with his mom and sister. I'm sad because i'll be away from my husband but it got worse just a few minutes ago. I haven't had a sober Christmas in ages and it turns out that my Mom is scared about how i'll behave. I tend to swear when i'm frustrated but try to reel it in when i'm around people other than my close family. Turns out in Christmas' past, i've sworn in front of my Nana and Daddy Irvin and my hotheaded nature has come back to bite me in the ass. I've spoken with my mom tonight and explained to her that I have different coping skills that I will be using but it frustrates me that she dosen't trust me. I feel like i'm nothing but a hinderance to my family enjoying themselves. I'm told that i'm welcomed but I hate being handled like i'm a bomb ready to explode.

choublak

At this point, all you can really do is put said coping skills into action.

Terminally Unique

While actively drinking/using, in many respects we are indeed like bombs ready to explode. I myself used to swear like a sailor, and more so when drinking. My father would yell at me, "You have an advanced degree from one of the top universities in the world!!! What is wrong with you?!!!?? Is this what you went to school for?!!!?" It has taken me a long time to re-train my manner of speaking, but it can be done. Just lay off the sauce, and try never to swear around anyone, family, friend, co-worker, or otherwise. In time, it will become second nature, and people will forget about your previous habits.

DisplacedGRITS

*sigh* i'm feeling a bit better. I told my mom that if she went into this trip expecting the worst from me, that would make it harder for me to cope positively. We both kind of retreated to our own corners and after a few, she came out, kissed me and told me to thank all of y'all for helping me through this. Sometimes I forget that they have to learn to adapt their view of me while I try to do the same.

Sapling

That's called...Earning their trust...That takes time....Sober time. But it happens. You know what you have to do...

Dee74

The thing I had to learn is I don't set other peoples timetables.

I didn't mean to but I'd hurt a lot of people.
It's very much a personal decision for forgiveness and the regaining of trust.

Sometimes that took a lot of patience on my part.

I think the best thing you can do is go ahead as you mean to continue - show people you've changed by your action and reactions, without fanfare...that's always far more powerful than *telling* people how much you've changed. In my case, my family had heard all the words before...

Sounds like you have a supportive family anyway - I'm sure they'll be thrilled to see you getting your future together DG

D

DisplacedGRITS

Thanks everyone! I am trying to view this trip as another chance to prove myself instead of a challenge I must suffer through. In a way, I have almost enjoyed playing the victim of my circumstances. Well screw that! I'm putting on my Big Girl Panties and going to enjoy this time with my family. Thanks for the kind kicks in the butt! I really needed it. :-)

Sapling

That's the best way to handle it...Have fun...

indakut

You can do it! I am not the same person I was when I was drinking. Enjoy your trip in your new life

EmeraldRose

All we can do is be the best person that we can be sober...show them little by little that you've changed and don't expect them to accept you in a heartbeat just because you think you've changed.
You have to understand that when people are so used to someone being a certain way they are going to be suspicious of their new methods of coping. Just behave, be nice, don't wipe your butterknife on your sleeve. Over time you can prove yourself -sober.
Trust does not always come easy.

freshstart57

That made me laugh this morning, DisplacedGrits. Some determination and self confidence are essential to this transformation we are pursuing.

We joined SR around the same time, so this is my first sober Christmas too. I found that my crew was a little doubtful at first in the fall, but are now happily enjoying a return of my oldself this season. They are becoming more comfortable with the sober me, and I am too.

Just be calm and confident in yourself, and very soon your loved ones will mirror what they see emerging from your new you. It will be a wonderful time for all of you.

Elisabeth888

I don't know the answer to this question because I am in the same boat, except mainly with my husband.

I am told that time takes time. All we can do is live differently now and this will show that we have changed/are changing.

Good luck on that car ride, that is brutal. Might make me cuss too!

Ann

It takes time and actions that back your words that you can cope better today. Your behaviour will set the mood, if you can relax and be happy with your family, it is quite likely they will do the same.

I'm the mama of an addict who has been missing many years and although my own recovery has taken me to a very peaceful place, if he should find recovery and call or come home tomorrow I would need to "see" the change and give it time before I could trust it. I'm just not prepared to go through all that "stuff" again...and to be honest, if my son is clean, he won't want to go through it either.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.

Hugs

Impurrfect

(((DisplacedGrits))) - I know, for me, it just took time to win back the trust of my loved ones. There are still certain things that trigger them, like if I were to go without answering my phone or letting them know where I am.

What worked for me, was realizing I did this. I gave them reasons to not trust me. I also found that being the "responsible adult", and time, went a long way to gaining their trust.

I love that you're looking at this as a challenge. Yes, some family may be waiting for "the other shoe to drop", but when it doesn't? You've taken that step toward trust, and it's a really cool thing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

steelmagnolia

Hey sweetheart...it is what it is. All you can do is put that fact behind you and be the best person you can be today. Wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. Darling' just do the next right thing...they'll all catch on. Good luck and good love...mags

DisplacedGRITS

Halfway through the 10 hour roadtrip. Besides feeling cramped everything's going well. My sister has irritated me a little bit but i'm doing a great job of letting it go and not letting it really bug me. Snapped at my mom just a tiny bit but that was near the end of a long run just before a break. We're eating at a Cracker Barrel which is great. Absolutely no alcohol here. Hope everyone is doing well. Just a few more hours left to go!