New and brother in rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
New and brother in rehab
My brother is in rehab and has been for about 12 days. we went to see him today for Christmas. Haven't been able to see him and only talked to him for about 1 minute. Honestly, I was disappointed. Every time I went in a room with him, he left and went to go do something; chores, talk to his buddy, etc. I didn't get any sense of him wanting to see his family, any willingness to share things he's learned, any desire to talk at all really. i guess I expected more interaction on how he was doing, progress he's made, an acceptance that he's hurt himself and others and really wanting to talk about how this rehab place is helping him to work on those things. But, really, we got a lot of nothing. I felt like he didn't even want me there.
Is this normal? did I expect too much? We drove 6 hours rounds trip to see him and I bet I spoke to him a total of 50 words. His kids, wife, my hubby all went down. He just seemed indifferent.
Is this normal? did I expect too much? We drove 6 hours rounds trip to see him and I bet I spoke to him a total of 50 words. His kids, wife, my hubby all went down. He just seemed indifferent.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hi Ursula and Welcome to Sober Recovery. Glad you are here, but sorry about the circumstances that bring you to the forum. I definitely recommend you read all the stickies at the top of the forum - that will really help you learn alot quickly and the more you know about our experiences as loved ones, the better this time will be for you.
I also have a brother in rehab. I don't know exactly what is "normal" in terms of what to expect from someone that has just entered a program, but I do know from my brother that it is an enormous adjustment for them. It's a difficult time for everyone, and there is probably some component of shock for him. It's a major change on a number of levels, and a big one is loss of control - they are usually on a really tight schedule and the environment is very restricted. The programs I know about include a great deal of talking about their experiences and their feelings within groups- that is really tough for many folks. Most are also dealing with the physical side of rehab - withdrawal, cravings, etc. There is also often a great deal of shame involved and it can take time for someone to be ready to discuss what they are feeling with their loved ones.
I am glad your brother is in a safe place. Did he enter willingly? How are his children doing?
I also have a brother in rehab. I don't know exactly what is "normal" in terms of what to expect from someone that has just entered a program, but I do know from my brother that it is an enormous adjustment for them. It's a difficult time for everyone, and there is probably some component of shock for him. It's a major change on a number of levels, and a big one is loss of control - they are usually on a really tight schedule and the environment is very restricted. The programs I know about include a great deal of talking about their experiences and their feelings within groups- that is really tough for many folks. Most are also dealing with the physical side of rehab - withdrawal, cravings, etc. There is also often a great deal of shame involved and it can take time for someone to be ready to discuss what they are feeling with their loved ones.
I am glad your brother is in a safe place. Did he enter willingly? How are his children doing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Thanks, Hanna. I am reading all the stickies. He was told after having to be in the hospital for detox and health issue by my SIL that he could find a rehab place or find someplace else to live. He chose the rehab, but under an ultimatum. The children are very distant from him. They are pulling away from him.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi, I'm known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I did not go through rehab, but I do remember early sobriety.
At twelve days sober, I was doing great to remember to breathe.
Honestly, I had a hard time finishing a sentence. My brain was literally under a thick fog.
It took me weeks/months to begin to shake the foggy brain feeling.
Facing loved ones while newly sober is tough. There are a lot of emotions and few words.
I wish you, your brother, and his loved ones success on your recovery journey's.
I did not go through rehab, but I do remember early sobriety.
At twelve days sober, I was doing great to remember to breathe.
Honestly, I had a hard time finishing a sentence. My brain was literally under a thick fog.
It took me weeks/months to begin to shake the foggy brain feeling.
Facing loved ones while newly sober is tough. There are a lot of emotions and few words.
I wish you, your brother, and his loved ones success on your recovery journey's.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Ursula!
I'm sorry that your visit did not go very well. Your brother is very early in his sobriety, and as Pelican said, his moods and feeling are very changeable right now and difficult for him to deal with (he has been drinking them away for a bit, right?).
It's also important to remember that rehab is not just "one and done". He won't come home "cured". Your brother is at the very beginning of a road of life-long vigilance.
I'm so glad you found us. Stick around, read the threads and stickies, educate yourself as much as you can about this disease.
Hugs, HG
I'm sorry that your visit did not go very well. Your brother is very early in his sobriety, and as Pelican said, his moods and feeling are very changeable right now and difficult for him to deal with (he has been drinking them away for a bit, right?).
It's also important to remember that rehab is not just "one and done". He won't come home "cured". Your brother is at the very beginning of a road of life-long vigilance.
I'm so glad you found us. Stick around, read the threads and stickies, educate yourself as much as you can about this disease.
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Family intervention took place in my home
where the authorities came to pick me up
because i was unwilling to go with my husband
to the hospital to get my stomach pumped
after injesting a hand full of Nuprin pills along
with other pain pills.
I had a moment alone to throw up what I swallowed
and thus didnt feel the need to go to the hospital
so i fought off my husband tooth and nail to not
go.
Alarms were raised to alert family members and they
needed extra help so the authorities were summoned
to take me away.
As the authorities escorted me out the door, i passed
my husband and father-in-law with daggers in my eyes
and hatred in my voice telling both of them I hated them
and off i went as i was placed in the back of a police
car like a caged animal, criminal.
That very moment, i felt so ashammed yet the hatred
I felt inside was burning me up.
Because i wasnt willing to go with my family when
they tried to help me, a court order was issued quickly
to get me into rehab, which i had no idea was where
I was going.
I spent the first night in the crazy ward feeling helpless
yet i knew i wasnt as bad as those i saw shuffling across
the floor or hugging the walls.
The next day i passed all the mind test they gave me
to only find out i was sane but had a problem with
drinking, so i spent the next 28 days in rehab so I
wouldnt be sent away to a halfway house away from
my babies and family.
Even tho i was close, i still held a strong resentment
towards my husband and his family for pulling an
intervention on me. When family came to see me,
i was excited to see my little ones, but still held a
strong resentment towards my husband. You could
definitely feel the tension in the air when he was anywheres
near me.
It took awhile for me to let go of that resentment as
I worked the steps of recovery in my life because if
not then i could surely drink again which was something
I didnt want to do.
I continued on with my recover within my 25 yr
marriage, but as I grew in my program, i eventually
left my little family behind scratching their head
as to what happened to me. See, the family that
works a recovery program together is more likely
to heal and grow healthy together.
My little family grew strong on their own and
eventually went their own separate way as i did
and so my 25 yr marriage ended. Sad to say.
With me working and living a recovery program
in my daily life, and the rest of the normal family
living their own busy lives, we were living on
separate plans where we didnt understand each
others behaviors. When one person is sick in
the family, the entire family is affected and those
in order for all to get healthy together there r
programs designed for each member to live and
work to regain normalcy and healthiness.
Today, im remarried with 21 yrs sobriety living
a happy joyous honest life with little contact from
my past family. I cant change my family members
nor make them understand me and the changes
that accured in my recovery life. All i can do is
pray and place them in a Higher Powers hands
for safe keeping and love them more.
The family that recovers together can stay together
and live a healthy happier life than before.
where the authorities came to pick me up
because i was unwilling to go with my husband
to the hospital to get my stomach pumped
after injesting a hand full of Nuprin pills along
with other pain pills.
I had a moment alone to throw up what I swallowed
and thus didnt feel the need to go to the hospital
so i fought off my husband tooth and nail to not
go.
Alarms were raised to alert family members and they
needed extra help so the authorities were summoned
to take me away.
As the authorities escorted me out the door, i passed
my husband and father-in-law with daggers in my eyes
and hatred in my voice telling both of them I hated them
and off i went as i was placed in the back of a police
car like a caged animal, criminal.
That very moment, i felt so ashammed yet the hatred
I felt inside was burning me up.
Because i wasnt willing to go with my family when
they tried to help me, a court order was issued quickly
to get me into rehab, which i had no idea was where
I was going.
I spent the first night in the crazy ward feeling helpless
yet i knew i wasnt as bad as those i saw shuffling across
the floor or hugging the walls.
The next day i passed all the mind test they gave me
to only find out i was sane but had a problem with
drinking, so i spent the next 28 days in rehab so I
wouldnt be sent away to a halfway house away from
my babies and family.
Even tho i was close, i still held a strong resentment
towards my husband and his family for pulling an
intervention on me. When family came to see me,
i was excited to see my little ones, but still held a
strong resentment towards my husband. You could
definitely feel the tension in the air when he was anywheres
near me.
It took awhile for me to let go of that resentment as
I worked the steps of recovery in my life because if
not then i could surely drink again which was something
I didnt want to do.
I continued on with my recover within my 25 yr
marriage, but as I grew in my program, i eventually
left my little family behind scratching their head
as to what happened to me. See, the family that
works a recovery program together is more likely
to heal and grow healthy together.
My little family grew strong on their own and
eventually went their own separate way as i did
and so my 25 yr marriage ended. Sad to say.
With me working and living a recovery program
in my daily life, and the rest of the normal family
living their own busy lives, we were living on
separate plans where we didnt understand each
others behaviors. When one person is sick in
the family, the entire family is affected and those
in order for all to get healthy together there r
programs designed for each member to live and
work to regain normalcy and healthiness.
Today, im remarried with 21 yrs sobriety living
a happy joyous honest life with little contact from
my past family. I cant change my family members
nor make them understand me and the changes
that accured in my recovery life. All i can do is
pray and place them in a Higher Powers hands
for safe keeping and love them more.
The family that recovers together can stay together
and live a healthy happier life than before.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Thank you so much for sharing your personal journey. You can't know how helpful it is to family members who stuggle to understand the how, why, of a disease that is not understandable to us. Your personal story helps catch a glimpse. For me, when I understand more of what the alcoholic actually experiences, it goes a long way to increasing my compassion, my forgiveness, and my serenity. Thank you thank you thank you...to you and all the recovering alcoholics here who help us understand these things so much better. Bless you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I can't personally imagine anything harder than getting sober, dealing with life on life's terms. Early sobriety (first six months) I described as 24/7 PMS in a full moon, wild mood swings, fear, regret, all these things. You sound like you love your brother a great deal ... if you can let go of expectations and give him support and love, it will be an enormous boost to his sobriety. It takes a long time to change, it's a life-long process. In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson says "alcohol is but a symptom"....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Wow. Please consider backing off, having no expectations, and minding your own business. Good God, it's only been 12 days!
This is his life, his recovery, and the absolute best thing you can do is not involve yourself in it at all. IT's HIS. Please consider trying some Alanon meetings to learn how best to relate to people with alcoholism and addiction. Please also consider reading Codependent No More by Melanie Beatty. Through it all keep an open mind and consider that, while you didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure your brother's addiction you can contribute to it.
Your brother was telling you something with his behavior. Are you aware enough to figure out what that is, and mature enough to honor it?
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
This is his life, his recovery, and the absolute best thing you can do is not involve yourself in it at all. IT's HIS. Please consider trying some Alanon meetings to learn how best to relate to people with alcoholism and addiction. Please also consider reading Codependent No More by Melanie Beatty. Through it all keep an open mind and consider that, while you didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure your brother's addiction you can contribute to it.
Your brother was telling you something with his behavior. Are you aware enough to figure out what that is, and mature enough to honor it?
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Wow, thank you everyone, even Cyranoak's tough love
I have ordered that book based on suggestions here. I am in Al-Anon. I came looking for support and I believe I found it. Even the tough love piece. I agree. I thought I went into this with no expectations. I apparently didn't. I did not duscuss this with him, his wife, or kids only my husband. I am working through those emotions without involving anyone else except here, because I fully recognize that I was hurt based on what I expected.
Yes, I am mature enough to accept whatever he is trying to tell me. I just didn't know what to expect, if this was "normal", however normal it can be, and if maybe I did something wrong, or if I needed to back off, or whatever, hence the post for help.
Thanks everyone for your heartful and honest words. I know I am codependent. A little more background...I am 37, brother is 32. We lost both our parents to disease in 2008 and 2010. A very hard road, taking care of them, them losting them so close, and losing them so young. My brother developed this issue as a coping mechanism.
So, since I am the oldest and helped a lot with him growing up, I feel this sense of wanting to take care of him since our parents are gone. I am working on that. I know I cannot be his caretaker. He's a grown man. I am learning how to detach.
I just didn't know what to expect or if any of you could share your experience.
Sorry if I came across as controlling. I guess I am, though.
Yes, I am mature enough to accept whatever he is trying to tell me. I just didn't know what to expect, if this was "normal", however normal it can be, and if maybe I did something wrong, or if I needed to back off, or whatever, hence the post for help.
Thanks everyone for your heartful and honest words. I know I am codependent. A little more background...I am 37, brother is 32. We lost both our parents to disease in 2008 and 2010. A very hard road, taking care of them, them losting them so close, and losing them so young. My brother developed this issue as a coping mechanism.
So, since I am the oldest and helped a lot with him growing up, I feel this sense of wanting to take care of him since our parents are gone. I am working on that. I know I cannot be his caretaker. He's a grown man. I am learning how to detach.
I just didn't know what to expect or if any of you could share your experience.
Sorry if I came across as controlling. I guess I am, though.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: New Brunswick, Canada
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
Wow. Please consider backing off, having no expectations, and minding your own business. Good God, it's only been 12 days!
I can understand Ursula745 s feelings very well. Also I've learned not to expect anything, while somebody is in recovery. But this is as well a learning process.
As family and friends, we need time to recover as well. In my opinon it is not just His recovery, it is hers as well. She had do deal with him in life, when he was an active alcoholic/user...
I remember the first time, my ABF went to Detox and started AA. For some reason, I expected when he comes out of Detox and doing the 12 Step-Program, there will be something more, or better. I went to so much hurt and pain, YES i expected him to talk to me, to maybe just say sorry or treat me differently. I remembered saying to a friend of mine, he was easier to handle when he was drunk. Not that he did all those hurtful things anymore, but he never said nothing. The weather, whats for supper, and whats on TV, that was all the conversation we had. I was kinda shocked, I was so exited he finally quit and so happy, I almost felt like being on cloud number 7 and he comes home and there is no reaction.
Thanks God, I read alot of Literature, read this forum etc, to understand why he was that way, and that I can't expect anything. Not even him staying sober, because he relapsed a month later.
But yes it is tough for loved ones, to go this journey, to understand a disease, who is so baffling. So if the AH or RAH is aloud to have those emotions and go through all those mood swings etc, we as a family or wifes/ girlfriends should be aloud to have those as well. We are all just human. Nothing is perfect.
Sorry I just had to say that, because I feel that way.
And I hope Ursula745 ur brother will do fine
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Ursula,
Welcome!
These will be confusing times as your brother will be going through a lot of physcial and emotional changes with some very real valleys and difficulties communicating with anyone ... even himself!
The brain is way, way out of whack right now but if he sticks it out it will heal and recover in time... his ability to think and commicate and FEEL will come back. It takes months and even years sometimes.
Be patient... read "Under the Influence" or the stickies on it at the top. It helps to understand what he is battling right now.
And I also ditto alanon and lots of book reading!
Welcome!
These will be confusing times as your brother will be going through a lot of physcial and emotional changes with some very real valleys and difficulties communicating with anyone ... even himself!
The brain is way, way out of whack right now but if he sticks it out it will heal and recover in time... his ability to think and commicate and FEEL will come back. It takes months and even years sometimes.
Be patient... read "Under the Influence" or the stickies on it at the top. It helps to understand what he is battling right now.
And I also ditto alanon and lots of book reading!
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