TCB5568

Hi I'm new here and looking 4 advice. Husband of 10 years drinks every day 10-20 beers. We have 3 children he's short tempered yells at them for everything..He pulled my 6 yr old girl by her leg till she fell off the couch on her back and denies hurting her even though she's crying . He yanks my 8 yr old by the back of the shirt and denies gagging him even though the kid said he was hurt. My husband always says they are not hurt just mad. He throws pillows at my son knocking him right down and another time his hand slipped and hit the boy in the face. It's always an accident like a yr. Ago he slapped one of those hello Kitty bottles out of my daughter's mouth n gave her a bloody lip. I talked to my Dr. Who called child services. They went to kids school and kids said all was fine...He yanked my daughter just 2 weeks ago and gave her a rug burn on her back..what the hell... I have told him a million times not to do these things but it's always something.... he punches our son in the leg, crushes kids in doors, pulls their ears and has even sat on them in a camping chair...Help!

Seren

Hello TCB5568, Welcome to SR!!

You have found a great place for support and information! Make yourself comfortable, keep reading and asking questions!!

In my humble opinion, your children are being abused. I have attached the following link which contains some great information and resources for help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Sending you support. I hope that you and your children can get the help you need very soon to begin living a peaceful and serene future.

HG

TCB5568

Thanks for the input...The kids love their father no matter what so this is hard...

laurie6781

I will say WELCOME. I am glad you found us but sorry for why you had to!

Oh I am sure they do. However, what is his behavior TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN?

1) That it is okay to abuse your child whenever and wherever you want.

2) That it is okay to drink all the time.

3) That it is okay to be an absolute azzhole.

Take a look and do some reading over at our Adult Children of A's forum:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

to get an idea of how this will affect them throughout their lives.

Please contact your closest Domestic Violence Center to get some help and counseling. There is also Alanon.

I know this is hard, however, you are the only 'sane' one taking are of your children and it is imperative to keep them safe.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much. You can rant, rave, cry, scream and yes even laugh.

Love and hugs,

NYCDoglvr

This is child abuse. I would call the police.

suki44883

Of course they love him, he is their father. He is also abusing them. That is unacceptable. They have no choices in this situation, so they need at least one sane parent to protect them. I hope you will take steps to protect your children from this abuser. There is no excuse for abuse, ever. There are agencies that can help you get away from him but you need to contact them. Please do whatever is necessary before he badly hurts one of them, which is very possible at any time.

akrasia

Hi and welcome. You don't need people here to tell you this is abuse. They can't live in a house where this is going on. What is step one to getting them safe? A counsellor can help you work out a plan.

TCB5568

I know this behavior is abusive but I just can't decide what to do about it. He always makes it seem like I'm over-reacting and then the kids defend him and seem angry at me. I'm just starting to learn all these terms such as detachment and co-dependency and I've been so depressed taking all the blame and emotionally exhausted...

Ponder

They are children. This life is ALL they KNOW. Their brains do not understand they are being abused. You do.

Please call the Domestic Violence hotline, get help hon.

NYCDoglvr

It is typical of active alcoholics to shift blame and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. And kids have no idea what is really going on. It is a very painful situation you're in but there is hope, there are options and support available. Many many people have found themselves in your situation. I second calling a Domestic Violence Hotline so it doesn't go on any longer.

TCB5568

Well this is a lot to take in and I appreciate all of your concerns. I've known for a while now that this can't go on and that I have to protect my children...so you are all asking why I'm still here? I'm working on it.... it's so hard to just leave. I tell my best friend everything and even she agrees that no one has gotten seriousely hurt...yet...Right now he's building a model with our son and drinking. I am nervous he will start to get stupid any moment.

akrasia

Are there DV resources in your town? Try giving them a call--they will be able to help you work out a plan.

amy55

My ex was like this also, maybe not so much that I would see, but then I heard stories later on., My children had always wanted me to leave him, like 10-15 years ago. I didn't know how much he was hurting them. He wasn't actually hurting them that much, it was me that he was hurting more, but I found out, that by hurting me, he was hurting them.

I finally got a divorce, and they were all adults at that time. But, what happened was he was now actually being nice to them. They wanted him around because he was now being nice.

So whenever they have a party or celebration, they want him there now. And they don't understand why I can't come when he is there. So I get excluded.

Leave while they are younger.

I don't even know why I posted this.

They saw him for who he was while they lived at home, once they left for college, I guess they were still craving daddy's love. He was able to do that for short periods of time, but that was it.

TCB5568

So it is obvious everyone sees this as abuse no matter what ....no matter that when he's not drinking he's better with the kids. He's never physically hurt me but doesn't see any harm in yanking kids off couch by their leg. He never intentionally means to hurt them. Today he made dinner and took care of the 3 kids while I slept in for a change. I'M exhausted with no support hardly from friends/family...

Ponder

It doesn't matter what he does when he's sober. What matters is what he does when he's drunk! Children need stability, they need to feel safe.. all the time. In this situation those children probably don't know what to expect half the time. I can't even imagine their anxiety level and the fear they have of "is daddy gonna be mean today?"

Ellensburg

My mother was very abusive like your husband is...IT was so STRESSFUL, my sister and I both grew up and I have noticed that we have struggled with our adult relationships. Both of us have ended up craving relationships that were high drama/addictive and abusive. THIS research is proven! Codependency breeds from childhood. AN abusive parent can plant that seed. BELIEVE ME! I wish my dad would have protected us and just left her and taken us with! We would have felt much more loved.

akrasia

I'm not surprised that there's no support from family/friends--that's when abusers think they can get away with this crap. Also people will wilfully turn away from situations like this, because if they looked it full in the face, then they would feel complicit as well. It's a sad but common phenomenon.

Your "best friend" who's helping you with denial is not exactly being a pillar of strength here, which I think you know.

There ARE resources out there for you and your kids. You're not alone! Take the first step and telephone child protective services and a DV hotline. Yes, your kids will be angry and defend Dad--that's what abused kids do. But your taking these steps now will be far preferable to CPS being called again and having your kids put into care.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family, TCB5568!

I encourage you to keep drawing strength and support from your friends here.

I know it can be hard to hear the directness of some of the words, kind of stings, but I applaud you for listening and reaching out for support. You are doing great!

The topic of abuse, especially towards children, can be a trigger that evokes strong responses from some. In the midst of the response, you will hear heartfelt pleas based on personal experience.

You are being supported by caring folks that want to see a better environment for you and your children. Please keep reaching out.

My share is based on my personal experience:

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse.

Sending you hugs and encouragement!

Seren

Hello TCB5568,

I know that last night was a bit of an "on edge" situation for you, and I hope that things are a bit better this morning.

I will never, ever tell you to do something that you are not prepared to do. The hotlines available in the link in my first post have counselors that can help you know what options you have, can help you develop a plan for your safety and that of your children. I can only imagine that thinking about all of this is overwhelming and scary, and just the financial aspects of it seem too much to overcome. These counselors can help you make those sorts of plans as well.

Please don't hesitate to talk to us here at any time. Sadly, many women here have been through exactly what you are experiencing right now.

HG

akrasia

Oh, and sorry for the serial post, but: seriously TCB5568, you took a great, brave leap when you sought out this forum and dared to post the truth here. I hope you are really proud of yourself for that. It took a lot of psychic courage to do that, especially because you probably saw that this is a forum made up of people who take child abuse really seriously, so you likely knew you weren't going to get a bunch of "Oh, yeah, no big deal" responses--no, you were going to get responses from people who would confirm the truth of the situation for you.

Well done you for seeking that out, you showed a lot of guts and character taking that first step to say, "No, my kids deserve to be safe."