1undone

And tomorrow will be my first Christmas. I feel sad, I understand that it is just a liquid but it did have a festive meaning associated with it. I actually felt very sad tonight. I think it's harder to say, "one day at a time" during this time of the year. I'm almost dreading tomorrow because I feel deprived in a way. This tells me just how much alcohol was part of holidays. There were moments tonight where I felt a great deal of resentment towards my husband. He's not drinking in front of me at all. I understand why but my feelings are all over the place right now, one minute I'm like okay this is relaxing and I'll remember it all and the next I want to spit nails because I'm an adult and no one should tell me what I can or can't do!

Just typing my running yammering in my head tonight.

Itchy

I can imagine how it must be to feel deprived. Who is telling you what you can and can't do?

1undone

It's unspoken so to speak that there is to be no alcohol in the house. I'm just sad that I crossed the line into this illness and will never be able to drink like the normies. And since my husbands proclamation that I am an alcoholic there is that unspoken rule in the house. I am an alcoholic but I'm also an adult. I believe deep down there is more to this for me and part of it has to do with control. I would have appreciated being able to come to this conclusion on my own, if that makes any sense. Maybe I'm just having a tantrum because I want to drink!

24hrsAday

i can remember the last few Holidays that i was drinking all too well. drinking so much that i was unable to talk. spilling booze all over myself as i was passing out in a chair. the looks of disgust from people. waking up in the wee hours feeling horrible. yeah, i really don't miss those days at all... sober is a much better life. Merry Christmas!

Mark75

Wow, 1undone, I can really relate to that "adult" thing... The first Christmas that is what was going through my head... I felt like the bad boy who was getting scolded. I had some external forces guiding me towards recovery

It want always feel that way... This is my 3rd sober Christmas... It's all good.

You will feel better in the morning, I am sure!

Carla77

You could always focus on the positives! Normally at this point I would be completely hammered and just getting started wrapping. Instead I was done hours ago and I won't sick in the morning when my kids get up! Silver lining? This is my first sober Xmas too!

feralheart

Tonight after church I heard some other members talk about getting together to have a glass of wine and sit by the fire and I just felt so pathetically jealous and in my head it was all "It's not fair!!!".

The thing is, the image I paint in my mind of what I want alcohol to do for me is really unrealistic. I have this idea that it will bring me comfort and warmth, but I don't think it's done that for me in a long while, if it ever did. I just clung on to the idea of that for so long because it's all I knew.

It occurred to me today in the grocery store that I could buy alcohol if I wanted to. I live alone and there's no one to stop me. When I thought of that I realized how there's a irreparable crack in my delusion now, and I can't even fool myself any more about what will happen and how I'll feel if I drink.

DisplacedGRITS

I totally understand, 1undone. I had feelings like that at dinner tonight. I jumped on here and posted and read a couple of posts since everyone had kind of broken off into groups. My close family members know and my husband was aware of what I was doing so there wasn't any judging. Now that I'm back at my parents house for the evening (dinner was at the in-laws) I'm getting waves of intense cravings. I accidentally stumbled across some amaretto (a favorite of mine! O.o) and just stared at it. It's unopened so that's good. I feel twitchy with my cravings but I'm powering through it with some distractions and some deep breaths. I wanna cry sometimes but that's all a part of the process. I'm bound and determined to not give into that whiney child inside me. If it means white knuckling it for a while that's what it'll have to be.

It's frustrating but if it was easy none of us would be posting here!

Sapling

My first one too....It's so easy to remember the wonders of drinking...The fun the cheer...But I can't forget that I can't use alcohol safely...This is my problem...I have to do what I have to do to solve it...I don't forget the wreckage...The people I hurt...The embarrasment...shame...guilt...regret...sickness of it. And then I think about how few my problems are right now compared to then....It humbles me. It makes me thankful.

eJoshua

Funny... I never think of drinking in a festive way any more. I have found myself wanting to drink the past couple of days, but mostly just because I have been feeling terribly depressed. I hate Christmas, I mean, I like it, but I really hate it.

Dee74

I'm just home from another sober Christmas - I don't feel deprived - I feel blessed lucky and glad.

I hope you're feeling better 1undone

D

sugarbear1

please stop giving alcohol false power, it's time to say goodbye to an old friend.

sobriety, now that word is powerful!

Merry Christmas and Sober New Year!

tanja

I would add to what sugarbear said, except that it is good bye to a foe and not a friend. It is natural and part of the process of recovery to disappointed that you can't drink like everyone else. A quote that resonates with me is "I can do almost anything in life - but, drink". That really helps me put things in perspective. I think it takes a while to get over the disapointment factor. Keep strong and remember "This too shall pass".

ulfr

We didnt know how many year it is for us being sober because we have relapsed a few times ...we hope you don't drink keep strong

kiki5711

Happy Serene Holiday!!!

Gerbosko

Why would you feel sad? You haven't lost a single thing - You're gaining back your life and you're going to celebrate it sober. I certainly wouldn't be upset that I'm going to have a good memory of my first xmas sober.

With all due respect 1undone, why are you letting someone else label you and accepting it. 1undone, labeling by others is just trying to make themselves feel better because they're labeling someone besides themselves - it's quite pitiful if you ask me. You control yourself , don't ever, ever let someone else control or tell you who you are.

soberred

I deprived myself of a lot of things while drinking for years. Not being a part of the "festivities" does not make me feel deprived. It makes me feel blessed that alcohol isn't going to kill me and hurt those that love me. I hope you have that feeling some day 1undone.

Vantrina

I understand the feelings of sadness. It is part of the grieving process of letting go of your old ways and settling into the new year. Makes sense to me.

I'm in the midst of my first sober Christmas in twenty years. Made it through my first sober Thanksgiving and my first sober Christmas Eve over this past month.

I am in awe of how less complicated everything is. Emotions aside, life is simpler lived sober. One day at time is how I'm dealing.

Wishing us all a good and sober day.

lushly

Hey Undone. I am sober for the first Christmas Eve and Christmas day in in 28 years. I am not over joyed or I am unduly unhappy. I know that, this is what long term sobriety is and I accept that. Remember that part of your (not your husbands) disease, is the addictive voice telling you that alcohol is a positive thing. In reality you know it is not. No one says you have to be happy about that, but acceptance will help.
Hang in there Kiddo. We need each other. That much is true. (())s Lushly

Tigger41

Hi Undone - my first holidays dry as well. And I'm just ... well ... okay. I feel sad because I would like to just have one and I'm mad at myself for letting it get to this. So I guess I just understand.

But there is something that is making us want to quit. Regardless of your husband you are an adult and if you really wanted to you'd find a way to drink. When I want to but I don't drink (for whatever reason) I call that my "Healthy voice" It's like my healthy voice must be saying somewhere down deep (imagine beautiful, caring, healthy voice here) "You are such a beautiful person and I just don't want to see anything hurt you so you will not drink today - because you know you don't want to and that you'll feel and be so much better off" She's always trying to get her voice heard over the alcoholic voice - but she's so much louder and meaner and just pushy. But I must be hearing that Healthy Voice because I'm still sober...

I wish you all the best during this Holiday Season and I hope your husband backs off.

Take care.