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Step 1

Old 12-23-2011, 10:16 PM
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Step 1

Wow, so after 2 weeks of people pounding it into my head i think i understand step 1. That I am powerless against drugs and alcohol. I think it means that my brain is completely screwed thanks to drugs and if i rely on my ridiculous mind to fix the problem, its just going to get me using again and back in a state of complete misery. I am truly powerless against this cycle and no matter what i think or what solutions i come up with, it will always lead back to more drugs and more misery. I get it. The only thing keeping me from understanding this and taking step 1 was my ego not wanting to believe that my brain is so hopelessy addicted that i really have no thoughts that wont bring me back in the vicious cycle. Its funny cause now that i get it, i see that my sponsor was telling me over and over and over again and i just wasnt gettin it. right now talking to me is probably like talking to a 5 year old. It took my ex-girlfriend piecing it together for me to finally get what he was talking. she knows me better than anyone in the world and really is the only person who can get through to me. I thank god for her, my sponsor, AA, and this forum. This combo is going to be enough to get me through this!

Step 1: A broken tool cant fix anything
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:30 PM
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Our Egos' are a bitch...Get us in to more damn trouble..Got to keep them in check....Nice job and thanks for sharing. Merry Christams BS...To you and your ex-girl. Keep listening to her...And your sponsor.
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Old 12-24-2011, 05:12 AM
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its funny because i was so close so swearing off AA altogether right before I got this. I got home after going out to eat with some AA people (older members) and I got super nervous and awkward and almost had a panic attack. i dunno if im just afraid of sobers or people in general but i got real down on myself and blamed AA because its not helping me feel comfortable around people (when it really is, just very slowly). I got home and googled "AA doesn't work" and "aa is a cult" (some real objective research right?) and convinced myself that it was. I then proceeded to call my sister, and my ex trying to get their opinions of what i was thinking. My sister didnt get through to me too much though i know she was trying. It was that call to my ex that did the trick. She explained that the repetitiveness is just people trying to beat these simple understandings into my head but i am not listening. thats when i realized my mind is so screwed that even though i listen wholeheartedly it takes a while for me to understand. I mean i am withdrawing from 4 tabs of acid a weekend, about a halfgram of MDMA a week, an 8th of pot a day, 2-3 perc30s a week, 4-5 xanny bars a week, and about 100-200 mg of adderall a week (for those days i cant afford to be a dummy). Clearly im processing things as if i am mentally disabled right now. It's going to take time for my brain to kick back in. Trying to solve my problems in this state of mind is like a child trying to do complex mathematic equations, it just aint gunna happen.
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Old 12-24-2011, 08:38 AM
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Don't leave before the miracles happen! More will be revealed!
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Brainsoup View Post
I mean i am withdrawing from 4 tabs of acid a weekend, about a halfgram of MDMA a week, an 8th of pot a day, 2-3 perc30s a week, 4-5 xanny bars a week, and about 100-200 mg of adderall a week (for those days i cant afford to be a dummy).
Just curious....Do you drink?
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Old 12-24-2011, 05:30 PM
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Seeing Step 1 was like Cheech and Chong stuff for me...like whoaaaaaa!!!!!

The physical craving was pretty simple to grasp, but the mental obsession was something else. It was quite a deal when I realized I was not making a conscious choice to put that stuff in my body. All of my behaviors began to make perfect sense.

Then I started getting vivid pictures of the back half of step 1, yanno, the unmanageability. For the longest time I thought it was external, yanno, all the crazy stuff I did while loaded....eventually I saw it was all that stuff on page 52, stuff like being full of fear, a prey to misery and depression, couldn't make a living, trouble in personal relationships, ad infinitum...I can still use that as a tool today also, to look at my current spiritual malady, or current unamangeability if you will. Over two years away from my last drink, my last drug, I can still see areas of my life that fit that description perfectly and I get to see how badly I need God...Of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the work.

Peace and God bless
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Old 12-24-2011, 05:50 PM
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It took me many many years to get to step 1. Something that I'm not proud of. Once I got there the rest wasn't easy but just getting there seems in retrospect to have been half the battle. The power that alcohol or some other addictive substance has over the mind is something beyond belief. The wonder of it is that anyone can make it to step 1 but make it they do. But not everyone gets there. You're one of the lucky ones. Congratulations!

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Old 12-24-2011, 06:23 PM
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When powerless was realized as 'I cant drink again' the want to, could do. might drink again silliness stopped for me.

I cannot control my active addiction no matter what I could conserve as powerlessness or manageability. Concepts became a hindrance so I 'just let go' of all the wants, cravings' wishes to do what I knew I would not do.

It was then I knew I was on a healing path. A path of no
resistance. The path of freedom from addiction.
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Old 12-24-2011, 06:33 PM
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I didn't know I hit step one until I started AA -after I had quit drinking (for the last time) Step one was revealed to me and it was like an iron skillet whopping me upside the head.
Hopefully, this mindful evolution of awareness will continue for you day by day...it gets clearer and clearer and we wonder why we hadn't seen it before.

Wishing you peace and strength.
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Old 12-24-2011, 06:41 PM
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I love your simple breakdown of step one. I am someone who understands things best through metaphors.
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Old 12-24-2011, 10:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Sapling View Post
Just curious....Do you drink?
Never really had a problem with drinkin. Sure I drank on some weekends but never really felt addicted to it. I could drink in moderation and never isolated and drank. But boy did I isolate and do all the other ****. I spent days at a time not leavin the house. I haven't tried na but I'm makin progress in aa so w.e
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Old 12-24-2011, 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Brainsoup View Post
Never really had a problem with drinkin. Sure I drank on some weekends but never really felt addicted to it. I could drink in moderation and never isolated and drank. But boy did I isolate and do all the other ****. I spent days at a time not leavin the house. I haven't tried na but I'm makin progress in aa so w.e
Yeah...I have guys in my homegroup that are addicts...When they share in meetings they just use the word "use" instead of drink...Have a lot that are both..."I'm an addict" or "I'm an alcoholic and an addict"....I don't really have a problem with it. I'm there to recover from alcoholism and it has saved my life...Having someone in the room saving their life is fine with me.
Some hardcore AAers say it's against our primary purpose....I can live with it. I just like seeing people get better and I don't like seeing people die. I'm assuming you have told your sponsor and he is cool with it...So that is great for you. It is an honesty based program...Without it....It doesn't work.
Isolation...I think that was killing me as much as drinking....I always liked the line...Alcoholics/Addicts are the only people that cure loneliness...with isolation. That is so true.
I'm glad your getting something out of it...That cocktail you described is beyond what I can imagine....I guess that's where you came up with your username...I'm glad you are still alive.
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Old 12-24-2011, 10:48 PM
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You certainly had a differant experiance than I had. Best of luck to you.
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Old 12-25-2011, 08:01 AM
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Yeah I was bad in it but I know people that were way worse. I met a guy in aa that was doin 5 perc30s a day on top of drinkin, smokin pot and pretty much everything I was doin except less mdma and lsd. I think that's what really screwed me and made me lose sight of the true from the false. U see I always like to seem badass and tell people that I was doin way more **** than I really was and now I'm unsure what I was even doing. It probably was more like 1-2 gs of pot a day for 5 years, 3-4 bars, 1-2 percs a week for about 6 months, 3-5 hits of mdma and 2 trips (lsd or mushies) for about a year. Sorry for bsin the first description of my **** but it really is hard to remember. I do know that the last week before I surrendered that first cocktail I listed is pretty accurate. Actually I also smoked DMT 4 times that week. Pretty much anything I was offered I ate. I'm starting to see the fear is really what my problem is. Anyway yeah my sponsor knows and he doesn't care. Alcoholic, dope fiend, coke head... addiction is addiction and if its helping me than that's really all I care about
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Old 12-25-2011, 11:50 AM
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Cool...If you have faith in the program and faith in yourself...It will work...I guess the bottom line is....What kind of faith do you have...Good luck to you BS...I'll add a prayer for you.
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