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I thought Al-Anon was supposed to be helpful?

Old 12-23-2011, 08:22 PM
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I thought Al-Anon was supposed to be helpful?

My girlfriend went to Al-Anon and got some of their literature a few months ago. Some of it explains the excuses alcoholics make, talks about how they/we are dishonest and manipulative. Since then she's been bringing it up from time to time, especially if she's mad about something else unrelated. She accuses me of lying and manipulating when I'm not! They are supposed to be a support group? It seems more like they are turning her against me.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:02 AM
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Seared, I'm not a big fan of Al-Anon, but I can't say that I blame family members for gaining some insight into our manipulative behaviors and then calling us on them. I mean, why would we NOT expect some anger, and perhaps even some desire for vengeance, after what we put them through with our drinking?

Another thing to remember, and this can't be emphasized enough, is that the best chance we have of changing their behavior toward us is to regain their trust, and this takes time and effort. In my own case, it look the better part of a year before my husband believed a word I said...and I'm surprised it was that fast, considering the years of lies that came before.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:44 AM
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I'm a huge fan of Alanon now, sure wasn't when drinking.

If she becomes an active member there and you keep drinking you're going to experience some pretty incredible things.

The heat under you to quit drinking for good was adjusted to the 'high' setting when she began to attend Alanon. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out for you.
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Old 12-27-2011, 06:02 AM
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Al-Anon isn't about you. It is about how your drinking (or maybe someone else's) drinking is affecting your girlfriend's life. It doesn't matter how often or what you or another person drinks. All that matters is that someone else's drinking is affecting her life.

Your girlfriend wants to get well. This means she wants to change her behavior and attitudes so that she is not longer devastated by another person's drinking or behavior. As a family member, we learn to recognize when another person is trying to manage or control their life. Instead, we to learn to be responsible for ourselves. For us, it is finally reaching emotional maturity and regaining self-esteem and self-worth.

You probably are uncomfortable because you are no longer getting your way. She is no long caving into yours or anyone else's whims and will, or sacrificing her own emotional needs. This doesn't mean that the people no longer compromise or value a relationship. Instead, we want to be an adult and have an adult relationship with our loved ones, friends, coworkers, and anyone we have contact with. We learn to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually and that we are responsible for our own happiness whether or not the drinker continues to drink.
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Old 12-27-2011, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Seared View Post
She accuses me of lying and manipulating when I'm not! They are supposed to be a support group? It seems more like they are turning her against me.
If you spent most of your relationship lying and manipulating why would you be surprised if she thinks you're still doing it? It takes time to heal and trust.

They aren't turning her against you, they're teaching her to take care of herself first. Something you're probably not used to.

Focus on YOUR sobriety and things will fall into place. I promise.
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Old 12-27-2011, 07:31 AM
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As a grateful member of Al-anon I thought I might share.

Meetings for me are talking about me, myself and I and how I get sucked into caretaking, cleaning up after and trying to calm stuff down when drinking is involved. In all honesty I often look more wound up and nuts than the person who is blacked out drunk with all the whirlwind I created.

Al-anon helped me to seperate out what was mine and what was someone elses. I do that by talking about me, my reactions to things etc. I don't get crazy making most of the time anymore...regardless of if the other person is drinking or not.

At times my recovery was very messy and may/may not have been appropriate. It was like when you start working out and lifting weights...muscles that have not been used before get sore. Me working on me was like unused muscles that I was trying to use for the first time....it was not always smooth. Progress is not linear.

I had a wise person tell me once that you can have a "relationship" with two people not in recovery, or a relationship with two people working on their recovery, but it is very difficult to have a relationship with one person in recovery and one person not in recovery. I have witnessed some very strong relationships with couples working both sides of the recovery street. That does not mean that there was not some bumps in the road. It might be messy for a bit, or this might help her (and your relationship) grow to new levels.
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Old 12-27-2011, 08:03 AM
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Al-Anon is a RECOVERY group, not a support group. It is a group for the people who attend to recover their own lives, not to learn to support or enable the addicts in their lives.

Like other 12 step programs, it is for people to get honest about their part, not to deal with or worry about the other persons part. She is NOT attending Al-Anon for you, she is doing it for herself.

However, and you might not believe me, or want to hear this. Her going and learning to take care of herself is ultimately good for you. Because you will no longer have someone handy to enable your behavior, so you will get to own it and deal with it that much sooner! Huzzah!

I'm not being flip. My ex told me to leave shortly after I got into recovery. Being on my own after 25 yrs of marriage was quite a wake up call. No one to cover for me.

What a slap in the face reality is. But, when we get hysterical over something, sometimes a slap in the face from a friend is what brings us out of our fit and allows us to deal with the situation.
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Old 12-27-2011, 09:19 AM
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Just about every post above me nailed it..... alanon is about the recovery of the person attending...... not the person drinking..... and it's an absolutely fabulous program that does more to help people who live with and love folks like us than any other organization I'm aware of. (heh, I do like to pick fun on them once and a while though, like us alkies, they're fun targets ).

Seared, I'd hiiiiiiighly recommend the same sort of thing for you....get to work on your recovery (which is more than just not drinking). Wouldn't it be nice to not have to worry about what others thought all the time, to get past thinking that everything "they" seem to do affects you, to not have to worry that you're right around the corner from your next binge? Sooner or later you're going to need to get free of that thinking or it can and has taken you back out to your next round with the bottle.

The other cool thing is that as your recovery gets stronger and more thorough, what other ppl do will really matter less and less to you.
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Old 12-27-2011, 01:04 PM
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Seared, if your partner is accusing you of lying and being manipulative when you are not, maybe it's time for you to re-examine the relationship. What everyone else is saying here is fine and dandy. But if a partner is making things up and using Al-Anon as justification for these false realities, I don't care if she is Mother Theresa. There's no excuse for that sort of behavior. Best of luck to you my friend.
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