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Wondering if I am 'one'

Old 12-23-2011, 08:18 PM
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Wondering if I am 'one'

I have wondered for some time if I am an 'alcoholic'. I always thought since I could stop (and did, for days weeks or months at a time), it wasn't really a problem. But I have gotten worse and worse, hiding alcohol from my husband, drinking (almost) every day, and most recently driving while I was drunk to the point of not remembering and blowing out a tire (which I then drove home on). I thought this would make me hit 'rock bottom' but my drinking has continued, with practically every other day telling myself I will not drink the next one. I have drove while drunk so many times and God must have really been watching out for me because I should have 20 DUIS by now but I have none. I have never had big consequences from drinking.
I rarely drink to the point of falling down drunk (maybe four times in the last year, the last one being when I blew out the tire). Usually I just drink to get a buzz good enough to get me through the afternoon feeling good and help me fall asleep. I feel so guilty about the car though, and even more guilty about not being able to control my drinking or feeling like I can't. Both of my grandparents died of alcoholism, my dad and sister are both verging alcoholics. I just don't know how to stop now! In the past I have had a resolution and been able to stop for weeks or months. Lately its like every day I find an excuse to drink! I have a wonderful husband and a baby I adore. I am only 23 ! I am terrified of people finding out I have a problem and admitting I have one, even to my husband. I'm afraid he may tell people or my mother in law. I am so ashamed. I wish I could just stop, but for some reason this time it has been a week straight of me not only drinking every day but trying to quit practically every day! When I was pregnant I replaced drinking with exercise. I felt so healthy and so much less depressed. This time I just don't feel like anything will drag me out of this. I'm so ashamed and I feel terrible! Any tips on how to get past this hump and get support? I am scared to go to a meeting! Has anyone been to them? How do they work? Any comments are appreciated! I know its the holidays, which is why now I am telling myself I'll quit after the new year...but I'm miserably afraid I'll fail again!
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Old 12-23-2011, 08:49 PM
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Hi Arlie and welcome to SR.

Usually it's pretty active here but with the holidays I guess it's pretty quiet.

Most people will tell you only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. I'd say youvegot some very serious things on your list.

I know it's scary. I know it seems hard. But being sober is the best lifestyle decision I have ever made. Dont worry so much about the label...try and give it up for 6 months and then re-evaluate. If you can't make it 6 months, well then, that is probably your answer
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Old 12-23-2011, 08:59 PM
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Go to an AA meeting. There are people there who you can relate to. There's help available. No one will judge you. No one will criticize you. Lots of us have been where you are. Lots of your friends, neighbors and loved ones know or suspect you have a drinking problem. It won't be news to most of them. It is already pretty bad.

Having said that, everyone you meet in AA won't be a pleasant person. It's a cross section of society, like lots of places. The only thing we have in common is a problem with alcohol.

We also have a Tradition of anonymity. That means we don't use last names, yours or ours. We don't ask for or give identifying information. If you see someone you know, they'll be just as anxious as you are that nobody outside AA knows either of you were there.

As a newcomer, you will be welcomed and offered help. Please go. Today.

It's worked for me for over 23 years.
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Old 12-23-2011, 09:01 PM
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'one'.... hehe makes me feel like an alien!!

lolol.. but read this.. it might help you.. I didn't write it but I can't copy and paste link until i have 15 posts....

Diagnosing yourself

No one can diagnose you as having alcohol addiction; only you can do that for yourself. Now most people think that the way this would be diagnosed would be to add up the quantity of alcohol that they consume, or consider how many days per week they drank, and so on. Now all of these factors are important but they are actually not a good predictor of alcohol addiction.

For example, many college students will drink very heavily and very frequently without being addicted to alcohol, simply because they are in a party environment. What could easily pass for real alcohol addiction is actually just alcohol abuse, and there is no real dependency involved.

So how can we tell the difference? There are a few methods you might use to prove it to yourself, but perhaps the most reliable one is to try a prolonged controlled drinking experiment. As ridiculous as it sounds, simply limit yourself to one drink per day for the next year. If that sounds preposterous or too harsh, then you might want to take a closer look at your drinking and if you might be addicted. If you attempt to stick to that schedule and fail to maintain control then you might have a problem. If you refuse the experiment then you might have a problem as well – most “normal” people have no problem sticking to a one drink limit per day.

The other thing you will want to gauge is when you experiment with abstinence. If you cut out the alcohol altogether, does this make you restless, irritable, or discontent? If so then you might have a real problem on your hands.

If everyone is telling you that you have a drinking problem, then you might have a drinking problem. Denial is when we trust our own judgment over that of dozens of our friends and family members. If they are all telling you the same thing then you might want to take a look at it. Remember you can only diagnose yourself with alcohol addiction; no one can do it for you.
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Old 12-23-2011, 09:55 PM
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Welcome arlie!

I can relate to so much of what you said. I does take courage to admit we have a problem and reach out for help (and you did that today!)

We've all been there - you're not alone. Keep reading and posting...... this is a great community and I know you'll find lots of support here.
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Old 12-23-2011, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by LaFemme View Post
Dont worry so much about the label...try and give it up for 6 months and then re-evaluate. If you can't make it 6 months, well then, that is probably your answer
6 months?...She sounds like she is having a hard time making it through one day...I'd go check out an AA meeting...I think Hector covered it pretty well...And I'm not going question a fellow AAer with 23 years. Congrats by the way...You say you are scared to go....You know what scares me...The thought of you getting into a car with that beautiful baby that you adore...Drunk to the point of a blackout...And heading off down the road...If you want to be scared of something...How about that? Go to a meeting...Listen...Read here...Read something else...Do something...Before you kill yourself or someone else...I'm not sure for me...Which would be worse.
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Old 12-23-2011, 11:21 PM
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arlie,

Whether you label yourself "an alcoholic" or not is really beside the point. But if it is the only thing that will make you seek help, then by all means.

What is clear to me is that there is a very serious and dangerous problem with your drinking... and driving. One of these days your "luck" is going to run out. You will hurt yourself or someone else.

Seek help NOW please. Why do you want to wait until the new year? How many times will you be driving drunk until then?

If AA isn't your cup of tea, talk to your Dr., go see an addiction counselor. Many excellent psychotherapists also are qualified addiction counselors.
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Old 12-23-2011, 11:50 PM
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Arlie, it takes courage to question our drinking. Its like our best friend and the solution can seem impossable to us. Going to AA was the best thing I every did for myself. I too put myself and my young children in dangerous situations. I hated myself for it and didnt know how to stop. I was so scared at my first meeting.What would these people think of me? Found out some did worse things than I did some not as bad. I found hope and healing in the rooms of AA. Im so glad I faced my fear and went to meetings.
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Old 12-24-2011, 06:19 AM
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Usually I just drink to get a buzz good enough to get me through the afternoon feeling good and help me fall asleep.

Keep drinking and that will change. Alcoholism is progressive. Drinking in the afternoon is just a few hours away from drinking in the morning, which leads to drinking around the clock for a few days when you binge.

I finally gave up and went to AA. I'm glad I did. You might want to try it.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:19 AM
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Congrats on not getting the 20 dewys, that would have probably ended your drinking long ago, as well as some other things. Someone who drinks that recklessly would surely have other interesting experiences along the line. Perhaps start thinking about what did happen to you drinking instead of the trouble you may have missed.

Most of the alcoholics that I know who are sober in AA never collected a dui and many others did, it matters not.

If you can drink without trouble or bad effects then why stop? If your drinking is bad then do stop. If you can't do that on your own then seek the level of help you need to make that happen.

Should you delay or avoid getting effective help for your alcoholism then at least please don't drive through my neighborhood during your next drunken blackout tour. There's always lots of kids outside running around, and there's a few of them I actually like a little.

My drinking was like yours, and I found doing all the AA stuff a very rewarding and effective way to stay sober. I was already 6 years sober when you were born. My kid got sober when you were 13. You may find your baby will one day also follow your example.

And what will your example be?
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Old 12-24-2011, 09:15 AM
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If you are interested in going to AA meeting then just show up and listen. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. The program of AA is suggested.

Here's a couple of AA online books. Check them out.
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Old 12-24-2011, 09:39 AM
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Hi Artie. Sound like you already know you have a drinking issue. Don't worry about the label. Worry about You. How long do you think you'll be happy living this way? And if you happen to kill some family while you're out drinking and drivIng. Think about what that will be like to live with forever.

When I finally couldn't stop (after telling myself every morning I would) I knew I needed to stop and needed support. It took me 2 more years to make the commitment to stop. Itsbeen hard - good but hard. It will be worth it. I'm sure you've noticed it's only gotten worse. I'm sorry to say there's no going back.

There's different support. AA, this web site, AVRT, books etc

It will be good. You can do this
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Old 12-24-2011, 09:49 AM
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Hi Arlie and welcome! Lots of good advice here. You wrote:

"This time I just don't feel like anything will drag me out of this."

You will be the one who will drag yourself out of this, with the support of others. Come up with a plan -- whether going to a meeting or talking to a doctor or committing to reading and posting daily here on SR -- and follow through with it. Once you stop drinking, even for a few days, it will get easier. I'm not saying it will be easy. Just start by not drinking for a day. If you find that tough, commit to not drinking for an hour. If that's tough, don't drink for 10 minutes. A lot of us had to start our sobriety with literally a minute-by-minute commitment, but that's the stuff that days and weeks and then months and years of sobriety and happiness are made of. You can do this!
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Old 12-24-2011, 10:17 AM
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Arlie:

Welcome to SR! I think you'll find a lot of help here.

I'll offer a couple of suggestions.

First, as others have said, don't worry too much about the label...and definitely don't fall into the trap of thinking that you have to hit a catastrophic "bottom". Frankly, the only real "bottom" is death, and every one of us here who has quit drinking has stopped before we got there!

Second, spend a little time looking into different recovery approaches. There are many, and if you hang around here for a while, you'll find a wide variety of approaches represented among the regular posters here. Others have mentioned AA, but there also non-faith-based groups such as SMART Recovery, LifeRing, SOS and Women for Sobriety, approaches like Rational Recovery, and plenty of people who've found all they need need right here on SR.

Here's a link to a thread listing several of the non-faith-based groups: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cular-web.html

Third, just jump in and start posting!
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Old 12-24-2011, 10:33 AM
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Arlie - I'm guessing that many of these responses are just as overwhelming as your drinking is to you. I'm also fairly new, and started out on this forum unsure as to whether i was an alcoholic or not. Reading / posting has helped me tremendously think through it, albeit some times i am put off by seemingly hard love, or people stating the obvious - (e.g. drinking and driving kills). It has taken me about 4 weeks to firmly acknowledge I'm an alcoholic - and by acknowledge, i mean convince me, not anybody else. Funny enough, everybody reading my posts knew / knows I am, they were likely just waiting for me to come around. The other part, which is very hard to rationalize to start, but really is true, is the label just doesn't matter. Calling or not calling yourself an alcoholic does not change the fact that alcohol is scaring you, alcohol has entered your driving repertoire, and if given odds of parenting success - with or without alcohol, I think any normal, sober or active alcoholic would say being sober and clean has the highest odds of success. If you think of it that way - then frankly, let's assume you are not an alcoholic, but alcohol makes you do things that you want to avoid for nobody else but your child.

AA's big book has a special set of sections for spouses: the alcoholics reaction to the spouse, the spouses reaction to the alcoholic, etc. I for one feel like i have no choice but to share with my wife, and make her an active part of my recovery. Maybe it's because we have been together for 18 years, maybe it's because aside from my kids, there is nobody more dear to me, and maybe it's because i entered into a life contract with her that requires us to face each other in sickness and in health. What i found is that although my wife doesn't want to acknowledge my alcoholism for obvious reasons, she can't deny it either. She, much to my surprise (surprise will dawn on you as sarcasm at some point during your recovery) has been well aware of my excessive drinking, and did many things to keep me safe. But if she had her choice - she would prefer i didn't subject my body, family or community to my drinking weakness. I'd bet your husband feels the same, is well aware of your alcohol abuses, and if given the potential of helping you, will stand beside you in ways that you can't imagine as of yet.

Powerlessness over alcohol is not a simple saying (or a corny one at that). It is the inability to stop when you want to. You try to exert your power to stop over it and fail. It doesn't mean you fail every time, it doesn't mean you fail most of the time. The simple act of failure (once) gets you there, and it only gets worse as you continue to feed into its power (i.e. continued drinking). Acceptance of this notion of powerlessness gets you past the convincing part - if i limit myself to one drink i should be fine, if i only drink on Saturday's I'll be fine, if I limit my drinking to inside the house and not drive i'll be fine. That logic presumes the chance that you can win the fight. Acceptance of powerlessness acknowledges you can't. If you are really struggling with labeling yourself, it will take you some time to get this concept - it has taken me 4 weeks.

Reading posts on this forum will help you tremendously. Especially because many have walked your path. My caution to you, don't worry so much about taking what people advise you to do as an absolute, because that will only turn you off if you are not ready to hear it. In time you will find that most of the counsel on this forum is grounded in experience, and a pure desire to help you help them (this makes sense to the AA'ers). But like them, you will need your own experiences and realizations.

I will leave you with a challenge to understand this line: "Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink." When that line no longer screams sarcasm to you, and is recognized as a somber warning, you may start to understand where the support in everybody's posts is derived.
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:09 PM
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Well I was suprised I had so many comments today! Thank you for all of them. I have to say some were a little hard to hear (about the drinking and driving, others were a little more uplifting, but all were true. My son was not in the car with me, I was alone, having gotten in a fight with my husband and decided to drive around while finishing off a bottle. I have never thought that much about my drinking and driving, but you are all right about the harm it could cause. I do not usually binge drink, but the problem is drinking and then suddenly realizing I drank to much, at which point you can't turn back. I had a talk last night with my husband, and I was suprised to realize just how much he had noticed, but that he hadn't wanted to confront me. He is very worried about me, and now insists on driving everywhere we go, even though I have not been drinking heavily. (I KNOW having any drinks means I shouldn't drive however!). I like to think I would NEVER do anything to hurt my son, but then when you are drinking you don't think. And I know he will get to an age where he will notice. I DO want help, and I DO want to stop. I think for the first time I have come to the realization that I have to COMPLETELY stop. Something I never wanted to admit before. I always wanted to be able to socially drink, and drink on special occasions, or when I went out. But I realize now I have to STOP. I have thought of quitting for a month, and then trying to start just drinking socially or only when I go out. Is this impossible? Has anyone done this? Once again, thanks for all the helpful posts! I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by arlie23 View Post
I think for the first time I have come to the realization that I have to COMPLETELY stop... I realize now I have to STOP. I have thought of quitting for a month, and then trying to start just drinking socially or only when I go out. Is this impossible? Has anyone done this?
Do you want to quit drinking or not?

If you quit drinking — not just stop temporarily — you won't have to worry about any embarrassment, shame, or other problems. For the record, you don't have to tell anyone you are "an alcoholic" in order to quit drinking.
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by arlie23 View Post
I have thought of quitting for a month, and then trying to start just drinking socially or only when I go out. Is this impossible? Has anyone done this?
This is from the Big Book of AA...You really should read it...I've read it many times...Why?...Because it is a book about me.

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Pg 30 BB
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:33 PM
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arlie,

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

I am glad to hear that you had a talk with your husband, and that he is going to be the one driving.

As to your question; I don't speak for others, only for myself. I have been drinking heavily for 5 years, started after a series of personal losses. For the past 3 years I tried to stop drinking repeatedly, 3 months was my longest sober stretch. Each time I relapsed, whether after a few days, a few weeks, or after 3 months, it was because I fell for my own misguided belief that all was well now, I was fine, and I could now drink in moderation.
Well, it never worked out that way, each time I was quickly back to my old drinking patterns, or worse.

I now know that I simply can't drink, controlled use won't work for me. I can not ever take a sip of alcohol again. So this time quitting is different for me, because I know that this is not a temporary sobriety.

I don't regret my decision, arlie. Alcohol is no "friend" to me.
You are young, with a small child, a husband... you have a lot to live for and a responsibility towards your son.
I think if you really do a very honest assessment of your relationship with alcohol, and the real cost of drinking (not just financially), you may see that the chance for a happy future for you and your family is much greater without the presence of alcohol in your lives.

And, yes, please stay away from the wheel when you have been drinking. The consequences of an accident could be disastrous and difficult to live with for the rest of your life.
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:43 PM
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Forget the labels. If alcohol is causing problems with your family, marriage, job, or health, then it is time to decide not to drink or if a normal drinker cut back before you get hooked like I was.

I liked drinking when it was voluntary, not when it became mandatory.

If you can stop for a month and have no withdrawals then you may be able to moderate. If you can't stop after one drink, then you have to stop before.
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