why did I snoop!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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why did I snoop!
My alcoholic BF broke up with me this past July rather coldly ( after a 5 yr. relationship) and shortly after I confronted him on his drinking. At first he was teary and wanted to stop drinking but the baffling, cunning and powerful addiction won over. Unfortunately I know he is seeing someone else because I know his ebay account and he has been buying expensive Pandora diamond jewelry for someone and it isn't his mother I am sure.
He never bought me jewelry but TVs and computers. I am an artist and prefer handmade jewelry from craft fairs and such. I just don't understand how someone can move on so quickly and I know I shouldn't snoop. I just wish I could erase his ebay account name from my head. I am an idiot to be sure.
I know deep in my heart that I am better off without him. He is an alcoholic and he was very generous with me. He tends to go overboard with gift giving at Christmas. I see a life coach and she said that a relationship is only as good as it's weakest link. He spent $500 on a diamond charm alone.
It is hard to wrap my brain around this as I am going to al anon and trying to clean my side of the street before venturing into a new relationship. I am really hurting as I feel so disposed of and replaced.
I just feel numb inside.
He never bought me jewelry but TVs and computers. I am an artist and prefer handmade jewelry from craft fairs and such. I just don't understand how someone can move on so quickly and I know I shouldn't snoop. I just wish I could erase his ebay account name from my head. I am an idiot to be sure.
I know deep in my heart that I am better off without him. He is an alcoholic and he was very generous with me. He tends to go overboard with gift giving at Christmas. I see a life coach and she said that a relationship is only as good as it's weakest link. He spent $500 on a diamond charm alone.
It is hard to wrap my brain around this as I am going to al anon and trying to clean my side of the street before venturing into a new relationship. I am really hurting as I feel so disposed of and replaced.
I just feel numb inside.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Hugs. Sorry for your loss and pain. In the information age we just have too much information sometimes and it's human to be curious! It's good you recognize you are better off in the meantime. (Is it possible he uses gifts
to overcompensate for alcohol-related behavior?)
to overcompensate for alcohol-related behavior?)
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
artygirl,
I am a firm believer that when one door closes another opens, my ex-wife was a self-absorbed, mean, physically and verbally abusive, cheating shrew, and yet when I finally confronted her about cheating she moved out, I was devastated.
I got into therapy, got my head on straight, and after some time I met a wonderful woman who I have been with for over 14 years.
Don't focus on jewelry you did not want anyway, focus on the fact that you are free of this loser and have the opportunity to find the love of your life, someone who treats you like the beautiful, special person that you are.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
I am a firm believer that when one door closes another opens, my ex-wife was a self-absorbed, mean, physically and verbally abusive, cheating shrew, and yet when I finally confronted her about cheating she moved out, I was devastated.
I got into therapy, got my head on straight, and after some time I met a wonderful woman who I have been with for over 14 years.
Don't focus on jewelry you did not want anyway, focus on the fact that you are free of this loser and have the opportunity to find the love of your life, someone who treats you like the beautiful, special person that you are.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
Thanks for your replies. I sometimes can't believe I've come to this place. ( snooping online) I was in denial for so long that when I opened my eyes, almost 5 yrs. had passed. I knew he liked to drink but he didn't drink and drive, he held down an amazing job and was restoring an old house. I thought alcoholics couldn't get out of bed and make it to work.
His previous girlfriend( who I didn't know) just disappeared one day when he got home. (they lived together) He went to therapy and when I met him he seemed healthy and had not dated in a yr. He didn't want to make the same mistake again. He was devastated by that relationship ending.
I thought he would want to go to therapy and work on himself after our relationship ended but that is not the case. He jumped into a new relationship. I have to have faith that my time will come. I take good care of myself, have two amazing college aged sons, a lovely home, two cocker spaniels, a wonderful job, great friends, an al anon support group, parents and siblings who love me and my health. I need to focus on those things.
I am really looking forward to the holidays being behind me.
If I had to be honest with myself I thought he wasn't aging well. He was a few yrs. younger than me but I looked younger. He was getting bags under his eyes and he looked tired and worn out. His complexion was beginning to get red and ruddy. I didn't find him as attractive as he had once been. I'm sure in time things would have gotten worse. Alcohol destroys...
His previous girlfriend( who I didn't know) just disappeared one day when he got home. (they lived together) He went to therapy and when I met him he seemed healthy and had not dated in a yr. He didn't want to make the same mistake again. He was devastated by that relationship ending.
I thought he would want to go to therapy and work on himself after our relationship ended but that is not the case. He jumped into a new relationship. I have to have faith that my time will come. I take good care of myself, have two amazing college aged sons, a lovely home, two cocker spaniels, a wonderful job, great friends, an al anon support group, parents and siblings who love me and my health. I need to focus on those things.
I am really looking forward to the holidays being behind me.
If I had to be honest with myself I thought he wasn't aging well. He was a few yrs. younger than me but I looked younger. He was getting bags under his eyes and he looked tired and worn out. His complexion was beginning to get red and ruddy. I didn't find him as attractive as he had once been. I'm sure in time things would have gotten worse. Alcohol destroys...
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Originally Posted by artygirl 
I was in denial for so long that when I opened my eyes, almost 5 yrs. had passed. I knew he liked to drink but he didn't drink and drive, he held down an amazing job and was restoring an old house. I thought alcoholics couldn't get out of bed and make it to work.
His previous girlfriend( who I didn't know) just disappeared one day when he got home. (they lived together) He went to therapy and when I met him he seemed healthy and had not dated in a yr. He didn't want to make the same mistake again. He was devastated by that relationship ending.
His previous girlfriend( who I didn't know) just disappeared one day when he got home. (they lived together) He went to therapy and when I met him he seemed healthy and had not dated in a yr. He didn't want to make the same mistake again. He was devastated by that relationship ending.
1. My ex-husband had before me been in a really tough relationship. It had brought him to counseling, which because I was working on my own stuff when we met was really appealing. I do think he went, but now looking back the alcohol use was in place by then and he did not address that in his sessions. It is hard to make yourself vulnerable, but in my opinion it is even harder to heal if you are not able to.
In addition I got his version of both the relationship and the counseling sessions. My opinion of what he has told me at that time is changing....because I am realizing even than that his actions and his words about them did not match up. There were a number of red flags in the begining of our relationship that I just did not filter....or I took on as somehow mine.
2. I am just shy of being divorced a year (after five years of marriage), and my ex is already remarried. Sometimes I get really down on myself because I am no where near ready to get into a relationship again. Then I realize that I am learning how to trust myself, my feelings and my intuition...even when someone is "telling" me something different. I feel the worse when I equatet healing with being in a relationship. Relationships can be a way to try and fill a hole also...just like any other addiction.
Unfortunately we can't know the motivation of someone else's behavior. However this whole experience is teaching me that just because my recovery "looks" different than someone elses does not make it any less valid.
Actions also speak louder than words. Do you really know what kind of healing he experienced in the last relationship ending, or is it based on what he told you? I started to really heal when I started to belive my loved ones actions...not what he told me.
Sorry for the rambling.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by artygirl
I feel so disposed of and replaced.
I just feel numb inside.
I just feel numb inside.
You know you can't have a life with this person and deserve better. That's your saving grace. This doesn't make it hurt any less though, unfortunately.
Sending you big hugs!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
artygirl
If XABF was buying the Taj Mahal itself to his GF, I in all honestly can say, I would NOT trade places with her.
An active alcoholic uses alcohol to deny his or her truths. The same way they use people to deny uncomfortable feelings, do things for them, compliment them etc. Its always about THE ALCOHOLIC. No one, nothing else matters, sure they will act a certain good way sometimes but just so people keep being in doubt about them and stay.
Use this info, (his impossibility to learn from his mistakes, and perhaps this gift is to overcompensate something really bad, as alcohol is closely tied to emotional/physical abuse) to reaffirm your good decision to stay away.
Some more time and recovery and you honestly won't care what he gives to others or care any longer about his life. It took me a few years but I am there already. I know the truth, my XABF is an alcoholic, progressive and chronic disease. Not accepting nor treating it. He will lie, abuse, yell, twist, manipulate, make fun of anyone who challenges him. And I do not need any of that hell in my life.
This is a hard time for you but the last mourning stage is Acceptance... it will come, like a breeze of fresh air, promise of a new beginning.. hang in there friend, because you are brave and you can do this. I peeked 800 times and also at facebook and there I realized "our" most romantic song that he dedicated to me, he posted it to his new GF's wall and she was all over it just like I was, LOL! I can laugh about it now but at the time I was devastated... time is a huge healer. There she was feeling she was special just like I did then! well, the truth is I AM special, but not because of a song or some loser's opinion, just because I am who I am ... if someone else can't appreciate it its their problem and their blindness...
And yes it takes a toll physically of course, XABF is whiter and thinner every time I happen to see him around. Sad.
Hugs!!
If XABF was buying the Taj Mahal itself to his GF, I in all honestly can say, I would NOT trade places with her.
An active alcoholic uses alcohol to deny his or her truths. The same way they use people to deny uncomfortable feelings, do things for them, compliment them etc. Its always about THE ALCOHOLIC. No one, nothing else matters, sure they will act a certain good way sometimes but just so people keep being in doubt about them and stay.
Use this info, (his impossibility to learn from his mistakes, and perhaps this gift is to overcompensate something really bad, as alcohol is closely tied to emotional/physical abuse) to reaffirm your good decision to stay away.
Some more time and recovery and you honestly won't care what he gives to others or care any longer about his life. It took me a few years but I am there already. I know the truth, my XABF is an alcoholic, progressive and chronic disease. Not accepting nor treating it. He will lie, abuse, yell, twist, manipulate, make fun of anyone who challenges him. And I do not need any of that hell in my life.
This is a hard time for you but the last mourning stage is Acceptance... it will come, like a breeze of fresh air, promise of a new beginning.. hang in there friend, because you are brave and you can do this. I peeked 800 times and also at facebook and there I realized "our" most romantic song that he dedicated to me, he posted it to his new GF's wall and she was all over it just like I was, LOL! I can laugh about it now but at the time I was devastated... time is a huge healer. There she was feeling she was special just like I did then! well, the truth is I AM special, but not because of a song or some loser's opinion, just because I am who I am ... if someone else can't appreciate it its their problem and their blindness...
And yes it takes a toll physically of course, XABF is whiter and thinner every time I happen to see him around. Sad.
Hugs!!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
One of my fellow al anons who practices the principles of Alanon and is a recovered alcoholic herself told me that I could be the Queen of Jordan....but the alcoholic would not allow me to come between him and his bottle.
My EXABF was kind, giving, generous and a genuinely good person, He is good looking and fit. Many people thought I was lucky and so did I for a long time. He lived an hour and a half away and I believe that it was easier for him to cover his drinking even though he wasn't trying to. Often I would talk to him on the phone during the week and I could tell he was drinking. He would just say he had a couple of beers but I knew that he had a high tolerance and him only having a couple of beers was a lie. So even though I say he wasn't a liar..he in fact was. I believe he picked me because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I would compliment him, apologize all the time and humble myself to him.
I made him feel good and I expressed my feelings well even though he couldn't. He sometimes would express positive feelings to me when he was drinking and towards the end he seemed to have contempt for me. I literally was walking on eggshells. I do agree that it is easy to be on your best behavior in the beginning of a relationship so the woman that is with EXABF will not see that side of him. She will see the loving, generous part and feel lucky like I once did. That part is hard but I really need to move on and enjoy my Holiday.
Merry Christmas!
My EXABF was kind, giving, generous and a genuinely good person, He is good looking and fit. Many people thought I was lucky and so did I for a long time. He lived an hour and a half away and I believe that it was easier for him to cover his drinking even though he wasn't trying to. Often I would talk to him on the phone during the week and I could tell he was drinking. He would just say he had a couple of beers but I knew that he had a high tolerance and him only having a couple of beers was a lie. So even though I say he wasn't a liar..he in fact was. I believe he picked me because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I would compliment him, apologize all the time and humble myself to him.
I made him feel good and I expressed my feelings well even though he couldn't. He sometimes would express positive feelings to me when he was drinking and towards the end he seemed to have contempt for me. I literally was walking on eggshells. I do agree that it is easy to be on your best behavior in the beginning of a relationship so the woman that is with EXABF will not see that side of him. She will see the loving, generous part and feel lucky like I once did. That part is hard but I really need to move on and enjoy my Holiday.
Merry Christmas!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: New Brunswick, Canada
Posts: 44
Awe artygirl, I feel with you. I can understand, that it feels not good to snoop and u still "have" to kinda do it. I did that as well. Since I have almost every password from him, its easy and sometimes we know already things in our head, and just won't believe it. Till there is...black on white. Still it hurts. But I keep saying to myself ( and I just start learning that ) it is not me, its not the "other" girl...its him, the disease. In my case, I know he is just out looking to manipulate and use. He knows, I don't play after his rules anymore, because of his drinking, so he goes and find other women, who don't know he has a drinking problem. Mine is as well good looking, has good manners and can empress girls easy. He is just that kinda guy. That he has a drinking problem,...well he can hide that well, mostly because his tolerance to Alcohol is quit big. But I am sure, someday, all those women he meets, will see the real him and I already feel sorry for every single one them. Because I don't wish nobody to go through all that, like I did. But I guess lots of girls are much smarter then I am, and gonna move on quicker then I did or try to do.
For myself, I have to learn to love myself and start feeling somehow good about myself.
I just gonna keep smiling and the good will come. If I ever can really someone new again or trust somebody, I don't know...but hey take it day by day, eh?
For myself, I have to learn to love myself and start feeling somehow good about myself.
I just gonna keep smiling and the good will come. If I ever can really someone new again or trust somebody, I don't know...but hey take it day by day, eh?
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Wow, Choublak.... the statement "He is living rent free in your head" is a powerful reminder of exactly what is going on. I keep trying to kick him out but he keeps re-entering. I pray that he can take all of his things and leave. Needless to say..will ,alone is not working.
sprman24.... Yes, I agree that the ugly disease will reel it's ugly head but I overlooked it for so long because of the kind and generous nature of my EXABF. I keep reminding myself that Alcoholism is a progressive disease and that it had progressed quite a bit. The beginning of my relationship with him was over 5 yrs. ago. He may not be able to keep it under wraps with his new GF for so long.
TakingCharge999... Thank-you for this kind statement and these words of encouragement. What a beautiful reminder.
LifeRecovery.....Thank-you for sharing. I am glad you are recovering and thank-you for your support.
Willybluedog...You seem to be a guardian angel on this forum and your words of encouragement to all those suffering are admirable. I like when you said to not focus on jewelry I wouldn't want anyway. I wouldn't want the jewelry he bought for his new GF. It is clearly not the style I like. I have a lot of healing to do so I will be ready for the love of my life...
For all.....I am doing a bit better today and today is all that counts. I have been working on Step one these past few days and I am closer to getting to step 2. I've heard that there is a lot of healing in the steps so I have willed myself to work on them.
I am grateful for this forum
artygirl
sprman24.... Yes, I agree that the ugly disease will reel it's ugly head but I overlooked it for so long because of the kind and generous nature of my EXABF. I keep reminding myself that Alcoholism is a progressive disease and that it had progressed quite a bit. The beginning of my relationship with him was over 5 yrs. ago. He may not be able to keep it under wraps with his new GF for so long.
TakingCharge999...
This is a hard time for you but the last mourning stage is Acceptance... it will come, like a breeze of fresh air, promise of a new beginning.. hang in there friend, because you are brave and you can do this.
LifeRecovery.....Thank-you for sharing. I am glad you are recovering and thank-you for your support.
Willybluedog...You seem to be a guardian angel on this forum and your words of encouragement to all those suffering are admirable. I like when you said to not focus on jewelry I wouldn't want anyway. I wouldn't want the jewelry he bought for his new GF. It is clearly not the style I like. I have a lot of healing to do so I will be ready for the love of my life...
For all.....I am doing a bit better today and today is all that counts. I have been working on Step one these past few days and I am closer to getting to step 2. I've heard that there is a lot of healing in the steps so I have willed myself to work on them.
I am grateful for this forum
artygirl
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