just need to vent a little bit...attempting no contact and moving on
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 25
just need to vent a little bit...attempting no contact and moving on
I started no contact with my xabf about 3 weeks ago, unfortunately since then I've seen him at work twice (which is unusual because although we work for the same company we don't have to interact very often and it's usually via e-mail when we do), out Christmas shopping once, and once I was stupid/weak and ended up answering one of his calls and ended up hanging out with him.
I know he is still going out closing down the bar, drinking and driving often, and I'm sure he's probably flirting with other girls if not already dating one/several. When we hung out last weekend I was so disappointed with myself and have told several friends about what happened and now I text or call them when I have the urge to talk to him or answer his phone calls.
What I am having the hardest time with is the fact he is going out with his friends and basically still living his life the same while I feel like my life is just stuck in a rut. I'm going through the motions but I am miserable. I'm going to a therapist, doing a lot of reading about codependency and trying to analyze my relationship history and get so mad when I see how awful I let him treat me but I still have feelings for him. I was hoping someone who has gone through this could tell me how you got your confidence back and moved on with life.
I tell myself daily to be thankful he showed his true colors now instead of years from now and that I wasted too much of my time on him. Based on the posts here I realize he's just like every other alcoholic who is "the greatest guy when he's sober but when he drinks he's like someone else." For my own sanity I need to move on and be done and just be happy with myself but I am having a very difficult time with that step. I am proud of myself for cutting back contact with him but despite that he's always in my thoughts.
Like always, thanks for letting me vent and you have no idea how much I appreciate the advice and encouragement.
I know he is still going out closing down the bar, drinking and driving often, and I'm sure he's probably flirting with other girls if not already dating one/several. When we hung out last weekend I was so disappointed with myself and have told several friends about what happened and now I text or call them when I have the urge to talk to him or answer his phone calls.
What I am having the hardest time with is the fact he is going out with his friends and basically still living his life the same while I feel like my life is just stuck in a rut. I'm going through the motions but I am miserable. I'm going to a therapist, doing a lot of reading about codependency and trying to analyze my relationship history and get so mad when I see how awful I let him treat me but I still have feelings for him. I was hoping someone who has gone through this could tell me how you got your confidence back and moved on with life.
I tell myself daily to be thankful he showed his true colors now instead of years from now and that I wasted too much of my time on him. Based on the posts here I realize he's just like every other alcoholic who is "the greatest guy when he's sober but when he drinks he's like someone else." For my own sanity I need to move on and be done and just be happy with myself but I am having a very difficult time with that step. I am proud of myself for cutting back contact with him but despite that he's always in my thoughts.
Like always, thanks for letting me vent and you have no idea how much I appreciate the advice and encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Lost,
Please check out my post from 12/20/11 positive thoughts and affirmations exercise, my therapist gave me this exercise as homework to push negative thoughts out of my head, it seems to be working, hope it helps.
Bill
Please check out my post from 12/20/11 positive thoughts and affirmations exercise, my therapist gave me this exercise as homework to push negative thoughts out of my head, it seems to be working, hope it helps.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
My EXABF was amazing when sober for a very long time except towards the end of our relationship. He was beginning to get edgy and I had to walk on eggshells. He would just blow everything I said out of proportion. I guess what I am trying to say is that they can seem so wonderful for awhile but alcoholism is progressive and eventually the alcoholic's personality will change even when they are sober.
I am working on myself in Al ANON, therapy, acupuncture, etc while my EXABF is already involved with someone else after a very short time. The alcoholic numbs there pain with alcohol and they can't feel the pain of a break up so they move on quickly and soon become addicted to their new partner. At least that it what my life coach told me. That doesn't mean they forget us...it is that they can't feel the pain. Over time the initial thrill of the new relationship will fade.
.....so be grateful that you were saved from the inevitable future of misery with this man. You will heal and be better prepared for your next relationship.
I am working on myself in Al ANON, therapy, acupuncture, etc while my EXABF is already involved with someone else after a very short time. The alcoholic numbs there pain with alcohol and they can't feel the pain of a break up so they move on quickly and soon become addicted to their new partner. At least that it what my life coach told me. That doesn't mean they forget us...it is that they can't feel the pain. Over time the initial thrill of the new relationship will fade.
.....so be grateful that you were saved from the inevitable future of misery with this man. You will heal and be better prepared for your next relationship.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Wishing,
You deserve so much more than this guy has to offer, he is running on auto-pilot, when you are an alcoholic on auto-pilot you don't feel any pain, not your own and especially not anyone elses.
You are doing great, you are working on your recovery, and you know you deserve good things.
Hang in there, if you need someone to talk to or a big hug I will be there for you.
Best of luck to you.
Bill
You deserve so much more than this guy has to offer, he is running on auto-pilot, when you are an alcoholic on auto-pilot you don't feel any pain, not your own and especially not anyone elses.
You are doing great, you are working on your recovery, and you know you deserve good things.
Hang in there, if you need someone to talk to or a big hug I will be there for you.
Best of luck to you.
Bill
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi wishingdreaming,
I am sorry you are going through this, I went through the same thing with an XABF, also worked with him and sporadically ran into him or had to interact or overhear him.. it was hellish... I had a really bad time, the worse times in my life in fact, he got a new GF right away too and kept drinking...
That was 3 years ago... he is the SAME person. I am the one who has changed..
Your wounds are still fresh, you are doing all the right things. Healing takes time...
Even if he seems as if you are stuck and he is the one moving on, he is the one who is still in active alcoholism and hiding/denying his feelings. You are the one moving on feeling your feelings with courage and learning from this...
I started taking some art lessons and expressing myself has helped, as I felt totally ignored/nonexistant during my "relationship" with XABF.
I also started taking box/kick boxing lessons, into sports and that was very helpful to get some self confidence and get the anger out of my system. Of course that was after the first half a year when I single-handedly supported the entire Procter & Gamble company buying tons of Kleenex and crying and feeling abandoned/unworthy/heartbroken etc. You are doing so much better than how I was doing, you will get through this!
Hugs and let us know how you are doing (you too, LostInBA!)
And as a dear friend told me here "you are still writing your own story".
I am sorry you are going through this, I went through the same thing with an XABF, also worked with him and sporadically ran into him or had to interact or overhear him.. it was hellish... I had a really bad time, the worse times in my life in fact, he got a new GF right away too and kept drinking...
That was 3 years ago... he is the SAME person. I am the one who has changed..
Your wounds are still fresh, you are doing all the right things. Healing takes time...
Even if he seems as if you are stuck and he is the one moving on, he is the one who is still in active alcoholism and hiding/denying his feelings. You are the one moving on feeling your feelings with courage and learning from this...
I started taking some art lessons and expressing myself has helped, as I felt totally ignored/nonexistant during my "relationship" with XABF.
I also started taking box/kick boxing lessons, into sports and that was very helpful to get some self confidence and get the anger out of my system. Of course that was after the first half a year when I single-handedly supported the entire Procter & Gamble company buying tons of Kleenex and crying and feeling abandoned/unworthy/heartbroken etc. You are doing so much better than how I was doing, you will get through this!
Hugs and let us know how you are doing (you too, LostInBA!)
And as a dear friend told me here "you are still writing your own story".
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
artygirl the pain of alcoholism, then the pain of any breakup, then the pain of seeing them/imagining them with another woman .. I had never felt so hurt in my life before.
It is part of the addiction, in my case the "new" GF drank more than he did, so its a way for them to say "no! I am not THAT bad!" and keep on with the denial. Active addicts donīt have relationships they take hostages... using people, consciously or not..
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
It is part of the addiction, in my case the "new" GF drank more than he did, so its a way for them to say "no! I am not THAT bad!" and keep on with the denial. Active addicts donīt have relationships they take hostages... using people, consciously or not..
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ok my 3rd post...
The other day I met the mom of a baby with brain issues/limited in his mobility... his dad? an alcohol/drug addict... thinking about any future kids I might have had with XABF makes me grateful I didnīt make others suffer in this horrible way, more so physically as for many diseases there is no treatment/cure. We are in time to write a different story and that is a huge blessing
The other day I met the mom of a baby with brain issues/limited in his mobility... his dad? an alcohol/drug addict... thinking about any future kids I might have had with XABF makes me grateful I didnīt make others suffer in this horrible way, more so physically as for many diseases there is no treatment/cure. We are in time to write a different story and that is a huge blessing
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am about 16 mths out from ending the relationship with my husband. I spent Fall-Winter of 2010 really really worried about him, and caught up in our relationship.
The grief cycle (which we do even if someone we love has not died) is denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. In addition to Al-anon, therapy etc this really helped me. During the Fall/Winter of 2010 I was in the denial/bargaining type phases. In all honesty what moved me on was the anger phase....cause when it hit it really, really hit.
This is not the case for everyone, but I feel like I needed my loved one in my life to learn the lessons I needed to learn. I struggled with codependency prior to my relationship....and the time in between has really helped me to learn about me, how important I am to me and it is helping me to heal some childhood stuff too.
The idea of the three C's works for me in relationship to. I am not saying that I did not have a part in the dysfunction....but my relationship was a triangle that included alcohol. The three Cs and learning detachment in Al-anon have helped me in all areas of my life, and all relationships. I suspect that it appears like my loved one just kept on living his life, but a lot of that life was trying to hide from a lot of pain. The alcohol use helped/helps with that. I on the other hand had to feel that really hard stuff, clean out my wound so to speak...so it could heal.
Finally time has made a big difference. My ex is still a big part of my life...in my head. However he is less so than he was.
My friends and family have been a big support. Most importantly though I have felt comfortable using them (appropriately) for support if/when needed. The love and friendship I have been shown in the last two years is pretty amazing.
This is never going to be easy, but it gets easier. I am not yet grateful for the lessons, but I am grateful for the learning.
The grief cycle (which we do even if someone we love has not died) is denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. In addition to Al-anon, therapy etc this really helped me. During the Fall/Winter of 2010 I was in the denial/bargaining type phases. In all honesty what moved me on was the anger phase....cause when it hit it really, really hit.
This is not the case for everyone, but I feel like I needed my loved one in my life to learn the lessons I needed to learn. I struggled with codependency prior to my relationship....and the time in between has really helped me to learn about me, how important I am to me and it is helping me to heal some childhood stuff too.
The idea of the three C's works for me in relationship to. I am not saying that I did not have a part in the dysfunction....but my relationship was a triangle that included alcohol. The three Cs and learning detachment in Al-anon have helped me in all areas of my life, and all relationships. I suspect that it appears like my loved one just kept on living his life, but a lot of that life was trying to hide from a lot of pain. The alcohol use helped/helps with that. I on the other hand had to feel that really hard stuff, clean out my wound so to speak...so it could heal.
Finally time has made a big difference. My ex is still a big part of my life...in my head. However he is less so than he was.
My friends and family have been a big support. Most importantly though I have felt comfortable using them (appropriately) for support if/when needed. The love and friendship I have been shown in the last two years is pretty amazing.
This is never going to be easy, but it gets easier. I am not yet grateful for the lessons, but I am grateful for the learning.
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