new to sr
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: northeastern u.s. metro area
Posts: 87
new to sr
Hello all,
I'm an alcoholic, new to SR.
My story is long and confusing like a lot of others. Basically, I've been in and out of treatment for chemicals (alcohol, and prescription pills) for the past six years. Rehabs, ambulatory detox, a three quarter house, psych wards, therapists - all of that.
March of this year I hit bottom. Ended up back to hiding my alcohol and drinking all day, quitting the first job I'd had in a while, a break up, and staying in a homeless squat just so I could be left alone to drink. It's shameful, but that's my life. I tried treatment again thinking I could take a break and have a safe place to go, because my life was insanity. Thankfully things came together for me in such a way that I have been able to start picking up the pieces. Very slowly. I have a great therapist and I attribute so much of my progress to that!
I went to some meetings in the summer, but soon stopped. I let my relationship take first place. I also haven't been totally sober, I was smoking pot occasionally and occasionally using pain pills with my boyfriend. He's been supportive in the best way he can by not drinking around me or keeping alcohol in the house but he is a regular pot smoker and has lately been abusing prescription drugs legitimately prescribed to him. He also has sexual acting out issues that have effected our relationship. I am currently dealing with the fact that I can't change him or expect him to change me.
I recently used some excuses - the very real stress in my life - to drink and drug alone for a night. And then I told my therapist about it, and came clean with the fact that I'd been smoking and using other drugs, and now I'm back in outpatient group. And gone to two aa meetings.
I guess when I woke up after that lapse I realized that it could be one of two things to me: the beginning of the end or a wake up call to step up my recovery and get honest. I am choosing for it to mean the latter.
It's SO hard to get to meetings. I am going alone (no friends, just my boyfriend, and I am trying to address making him the center of my world) and I am very shy - so I debate with myself each time about going. . . I have to drag myself there. In the past I would go with whatever man I was into at the time but now there is only me. It's a good thing, but also very scary. I have to take a look at my fear of being alone, and doing things on my own. I have to face it and that's terrifying sometimes.
So hard facing all this fear and shame and wreckage. Hard being honest with myself when that means that I have to question everything I'm doing, even my relationship. And push myself to do things that are scary - consistently. I'm here for all the support and inspiration I can get. I need it for recovery!
Thanks for reading, all. Look forward to joining the SR community.
I'm an alcoholic, new to SR.
My story is long and confusing like a lot of others. Basically, I've been in and out of treatment for chemicals (alcohol, and prescription pills) for the past six years. Rehabs, ambulatory detox, a three quarter house, psych wards, therapists - all of that.
March of this year I hit bottom. Ended up back to hiding my alcohol and drinking all day, quitting the first job I'd had in a while, a break up, and staying in a homeless squat just so I could be left alone to drink. It's shameful, but that's my life. I tried treatment again thinking I could take a break and have a safe place to go, because my life was insanity. Thankfully things came together for me in such a way that I have been able to start picking up the pieces. Very slowly. I have a great therapist and I attribute so much of my progress to that!
I went to some meetings in the summer, but soon stopped. I let my relationship take first place. I also haven't been totally sober, I was smoking pot occasionally and occasionally using pain pills with my boyfriend. He's been supportive in the best way he can by not drinking around me or keeping alcohol in the house but he is a regular pot smoker and has lately been abusing prescription drugs legitimately prescribed to him. He also has sexual acting out issues that have effected our relationship. I am currently dealing with the fact that I can't change him or expect him to change me.
I recently used some excuses - the very real stress in my life - to drink and drug alone for a night. And then I told my therapist about it, and came clean with the fact that I'd been smoking and using other drugs, and now I'm back in outpatient group. And gone to two aa meetings.
I guess when I woke up after that lapse I realized that it could be one of two things to me: the beginning of the end or a wake up call to step up my recovery and get honest. I am choosing for it to mean the latter.
It's SO hard to get to meetings. I am going alone (no friends, just my boyfriend, and I am trying to address making him the center of my world) and I am very shy - so I debate with myself each time about going. . . I have to drag myself there. In the past I would go with whatever man I was into at the time but now there is only me. It's a good thing, but also very scary. I have to take a look at my fear of being alone, and doing things on my own. I have to face it and that's terrifying sometimes.
So hard facing all this fear and shame and wreckage. Hard being honest with myself when that means that I have to question everything I'm doing, even my relationship. And push myself to do things that are scary - consistently. I'm here for all the support and inspiration I can get. I need it for recovery!
Thanks for reading, all. Look forward to joining the SR community.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you found us and that you are working on your recovery.
You're right to know that your recovery is your own. I felt terribly alone when I stopped drinking too. It was the most lonely time of my life. But, looking back, I see the upside of that. For one thing, I never,ever want to go so low again, and for another thing, I learned to believe in myself. I am not an AA person, but I still had to figure out how to make recovery work for me and I am stronger person for having done so.
Know that you can do this.
I'm glad you found us and that you are working on your recovery.
You're right to know that your recovery is your own. I felt terribly alone when I stopped drinking too. It was the most lonely time of my life. But, looking back, I see the upside of that. For one thing, I never,ever want to go so low again, and for another thing, I learned to believe in myself. I am not an AA person, but I still had to figure out how to make recovery work for me and I am stronger person for having done so.
Know that you can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: northeastern u.s. metro area
Posts: 87
Thank you Anna and bozboz!
Anna - since you are not an AA person, what did you find helped you in your recovery? Did you have friends, family, or other interests where you could connect to people and find support and companionship?
Anna - since you are not an AA person, what did you find helped you in your recovery? Did you have friends, family, or other interests where you could connect to people and find support and companionship?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I think if you're motivated, you will succeed, no matter what program you use.
I changed my daily routines right away. Early evening was the worst time for me, so I started taking long walks. There were so many benefits from doing that.
I read a lot and found a couple of books that really spoke to me. I was completely disconnected from myself and I desperately wanted to reconnect with my soul, my spiritual self.
Somehow, I had the sense to listen to inner voice, and to step outside my comfort zone and start doing volunteer work with street-women. I met so many wonderful people and made a couple of life-long friends. This experience got me outside of myself and my head and involved in helping other people.
After a few years of sobriety, I found SR and I have been here for years. I am always able to find inspiration here.
This might help you too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I changed my daily routines right away. Early evening was the worst time for me, so I started taking long walks. There were so many benefits from doing that.
I read a lot and found a couple of books that really spoke to me. I was completely disconnected from myself and I desperately wanted to reconnect with my soul, my spiritual self.
Somehow, I had the sense to listen to inner voice, and to step outside my comfort zone and start doing volunteer work with street-women. I met so many wonderful people and made a couple of life-long friends. This experience got me outside of myself and my head and involved in helping other people.
After a few years of sobriety, I found SR and I have been here for years. I am always able to find inspiration here.
This might help you too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
