How do I stop my husband's drinking?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Parma, Ohio
Posts: 3
How do I stop my husband's drinking?
I'm not really sure where to start but I met my husband roughly five years ago in a bar when I turned 21. I used to drink every weekend to get drunk but practically everyone does that when they turn 21. However, I did that for a couple years mostly because my not yet husband, Fred always wanted to party. I already had a son then but that didn't stop me. I just had my mother watch my son so I could party with Fred. He even got me to do cocaine. However, I digress. I don't do none of that stuff anymore. I grew out of that phase. I started school to get my bachelor's degree in accounting. Now, I am a year and a half away from graduation. However, Fred is still on the same road. We used to go out every weekend, then we decided we wanted to try and get pregnant. Well, we succeeded and our son was born on October 10, 2003, approximately nine weeks ago. Now, the reason I agreed to try and get pregnant in the first place was because he promised me as soon as I found out for sure that I was pregnant he would quit drinking. That never happened. Then he said just because I was pregnant and couldn't drink shouldn't mean that he can't. So, we agreed he would get the partying out of his system and quit on October 1st. Now, October 1st came and I think he quit but then the day after I came home with the baby I found a fresh beer can in our hallway. Now, I still find beer cans in our new house which he promised would not happen. He also smokes pot which drives me crazy because he's always high on something, ya know? It would be nice to have a sober husband for once. That's the Fred I want but have resolved myself to the fact that will never happen. He will never quit drinking. Does anyone have any suggestions? I have tried everything? Should I leave him? Because I keep telling myself if he's still drinking by the time I get my bachelor's degree that I will take my 2 kids and leave. Any input would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
Heather
Heather
Responsible Girl
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 32
You can't make him stop drinking. Period. Nothing you do, say, try, scream, hint at, throw at him- nothing will make him stop if he doesn't want to. My jerk stopped drinking back in October because I wanted him to, and he thought he'd make me happy for awhile. It lasted a week. THankfully, he and I are not married, and I'm not bound legally to him, other than our kids. But now he's back drinking and doing worse things, much of which I'm sure I don't know about nor do I care to, and there's nothing I can say to get him to be the man he was for that one week. All I have left to do is set boundaries for myself in regards to what I will accept, and try like hell to stick to them. No one here will tell you what you should do- that's your decision. I have two kids myself- one 4 and the other 2 1/2- and I'm still nowhere near feeling comfortable with the decisions he makes- but those ar ehis decisions, and all I can change is how I react to them. Take a good look at your life and figure out where you want to be in 5, even 10 years- then figure out if getting to that point can be done with him or without him... Whatever you decide, the choice should be what's best for you and your kids. The decision doesn't have to be made today, though, nor even this week.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Yorkshire UK
Posts: 103
The answer is simple, Heather YOU CAN'T stop anyone else drinking. What you CAN do is find an Alanon support group, which will help you to come to terms with his drinking and/or help you make the right decision on whether to go or stay.
Read some of the Alanon forum posts, you will find lots of support. As Mindy says, it is a decision which has to come from you, no-one else can tell you what you should or should not do, but we can share our own experiences of living with alcoholism, our own or someone else's, and what WE did about it.
Read some of the Alanon forum posts, you will find lots of support. As Mindy says, it is a decision which has to come from you, no-one else can tell you what you should or should not do, but we can share our own experiences of living with alcoholism, our own or someone else's, and what WE did about it.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
I can only offer support and advise you to seek out a support group such as alanon in your area.
Ya know I started as a wild child of 19 when I got married to my hubby, my partied continued for the next 23 years and not until recently did I realize it was not only killing me but dystroying all the relationships I had left. My hubby barely stuck with me and now we work on repairing the damage my alcoholism played. You have some thinking to do but do find help for yourself.
Ya know I started as a wild child of 19 when I got married to my hubby, my partied continued for the next 23 years and not until recently did I realize it was not only killing me but dystroying all the relationships I had left. My hubby barely stuck with me and now we work on repairing the damage my alcoholism played. You have some thinking to do but do find help for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Parma, Ohio
Posts: 3
It's Heather again. I have tried the Alanon meetings. However, my husband knew about me going to the meetings and he thinks they're one big joke. He thinks it's a group of man haters trying to get me to leave him. On top of that, he's in denial and if I start going again, he will make my life a living hell everytime I get home from a meeting. Because when I did go, he would pick a fight with me about what was talked about, reasons he thought I shouldn't go, etc. And now I don't have a car so I have to use his car and he can turn around and tell me I can't use his car or he won't watch the kids. He'll say anything so I can't go. My only time to talk about this is online when he's at work. Help!
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Yorkshire UK
Posts: 103
Heather, he is scared that you will find strength from Alanon, which will really **** on his bonfire!!. Is there no chance of you getting to Alanon meetings while he is at work?? If you were to ask other members for a lift to and from meetings, they would get you there, I'm sure.
If it is really not possible for you to get to face to face Alanon meetings, stick with this forum there are some very strong Alanon posts on here, and lots of people to love and support you.
You really do need to put your own sanity first, Heather, easy to say I know, but not that easy to put into practice at first, but with Alanon support it does get easier.
Keep coming back.
If it is really not possible for you to get to face to face Alanon meetings, stick with this forum there are some very strong Alanon posts on here, and lots of people to love and support you.
You really do need to put your own sanity first, Heather, easy to say I know, but not that easy to put into practice at first, but with Alanon support it does get easier.
Keep coming back.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 12
Originally posted by heather26
On top of that, he's in denial and if I start going again, he will make my life a living hell everytime I get home from a meeting.
On top of that, he's in denial and if I start going again, he will make my life a living hell everytime I get home from a meeting.
Ask someone if you can get a lift. Everyone has been there and knows what it's like.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
I went to my first ftf meeting last week. I thought about Sonny the whole time I was there. Normally I am a talker...but I didn't open my mouth the whole time. Like to say anything would be "bad". I am the mother here...but so many times I find that he controls our home..my personal thoughts...everything...and he doesn't even live at home anymore. It's behaviour like this that I am working on now. Consider yourself hugged dear. You are among friends.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 54
I've been to two ftf meetings thus far, but haven't been able to attend for a few weeks. I've yet to say anything other than my name. Right now, I don't feel like I have anything to contribute at a meeting and I'm still unsure if the ftf meetings are right (i.e. helpful) to me. I don't feel like I fit in. BUT, as I've read here, I will give at least 6 meetings a try and if nothing else, I know it's possible to learn from others' experiences.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: irving, texas
Posts: 11
heather,
First of all, don't let me stop you with your recovery.. Ala-non is an obsolutely wonderful place... It is there that you will find love within yourself and your fellow friends. They are there for the same reason as you.. Please don't think not having a ride or someone to watch the kids is an excuse on not to go.. I don't have a ride either but i let be known that this is where i wanted to be. You can take your kids. and Someone will pick you up and bring you home.. I know cuz i do it myself.. My sponsor comes to get me and my four month old daughter. don't let his actions stop you.. its guilt that is bothering him. No one in our family group can tell you to leave him.. Thats not what we are here for. We are here to learn who to live with our significant others addictions.. LET IT BEGIN WITH ME. Read as many books as you can on alcoholism and what it does to you and your spouse.. they help..
julie
First of all, don't let me stop you with your recovery.. Ala-non is an obsolutely wonderful place... It is there that you will find love within yourself and your fellow friends. They are there for the same reason as you.. Please don't think not having a ride or someone to watch the kids is an excuse on not to go.. I don't have a ride either but i let be known that this is where i wanted to be. You can take your kids. and Someone will pick you up and bring you home.. I know cuz i do it myself.. My sponsor comes to get me and my four month old daughter. don't let his actions stop you.. its guilt that is bothering him. No one in our family group can tell you to leave him.. Thats not what we are here for. We are here to learn who to live with our significant others addictions.. LET IT BEGIN WITH ME. Read as many books as you can on alcoholism and what it does to you and your spouse.. they help..
julie
oops.... Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Heather
And welcome to the forum. As others have said, you can't do anything to make your husband stop drinking. His problem is his own and he will either stop or he won't.
What you CAN do is continue to plan for a successful life for you and your children. He can be a part of that if he chooses to. You have let him know what that will take.
The mere fact that he berates Alanon indicates to me that he knows he really has a problem. If he didn't think he had a problem, he wouldn't care if you went to Alanon meetings or not.
Stick to your guns and continue to make plans for your life.
Peace,
Gabe
What you CAN do is continue to plan for a successful life for you and your children. He can be a part of that if he chooses to. You have let him know what that will take.
The mere fact that he berates Alanon indicates to me that he knows he really has a problem. If he didn't think he had a problem, he wouldn't care if you went to Alanon meetings or not.
Stick to your guns and continue to make plans for your life.
Peace,
Gabe
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hi Heather
You said something in your post that took me back to my own past situation.
Your husband can't be what you want him to be. We all are who we are.
I used to think that about my ex bf a lot. I tried everything and in the doing of the "insanity" he never changed. He is still the same guy he is.
Never being with an alcoholic threw me into a world of total insanity. Wow was I involved without even realizing I was. Now that I am back to being me and my world is full of happiness and love, I can see it all so clear how unhealthy this relationship was.
I only saw with my heart when we met, I know this now! He was never any different! WOW what an eye opener for me:-)
You see I now know all of this and it only took me almost 12 month to realize after I left.
No one can tell you what to do, that has to be your choice. All I can say is that "our children" deserve a happy, healthy and most of all safe life so that they can grow up to be healthy adults, we owe this to them.
You will not stop him from drinking or doing drugs! Period! There is no question about that.
Those are his unhealthy choices. However, you can make healthy choices for you and your children.
I went to Alanon as well as CODA. I feel they go hand in hand because there is a reason why we would chose unhealthy relationships.
AlAnon is a great group of people and you can certainly get help and support.
I never regreted going and now that I have completed AlAnon as well as Coda, my life is wonderful.
I went to meetings for almost 8 month and that is all I needed to learn about alcoholism and coda and to heal.
Some people feel it is a life long process to go to these meetings, for me it wasen't. I got out of it what I needed because I was very determined to get my healthy life back after the trauma with this sick man. And I did. I made a choice to not be with an alcoholic man.
Some people chose to stay in their situations and with their A's, so I can see where AlAnon and Coda is definately needed as support.
I feel it is all about what you want in life. A life full of misery for you and your children, or a life full of happiness? The choice is truly yours.
My "healthy" friends are the ones that truly pushed me back into reality.
AlAnon and CODA were the best resources I could have had to help me and I will always be greatful to them and to all the people I met in these meetings.
Good luck and God Bless
P.S. I have a beautiful little boy that survived being born premature at 2 lbs. I look at him every day and know I did the right thing by taking my life back and getting as far away from this man that I could. My son is my life and I owed him a life full of love and that is what hehas.
Your husband can't be what you want him to be. We all are who we are.
I used to think that about my ex bf a lot. I tried everything and in the doing of the "insanity" he never changed. He is still the same guy he is.
Never being with an alcoholic threw me into a world of total insanity. Wow was I involved without even realizing I was. Now that I am back to being me and my world is full of happiness and love, I can see it all so clear how unhealthy this relationship was.
I only saw with my heart when we met, I know this now! He was never any different! WOW what an eye opener for me:-)
You see I now know all of this and it only took me almost 12 month to realize after I left.
No one can tell you what to do, that has to be your choice. All I can say is that "our children" deserve a happy, healthy and most of all safe life so that they can grow up to be healthy adults, we owe this to them.
You will not stop him from drinking or doing drugs! Period! There is no question about that.
Those are his unhealthy choices. However, you can make healthy choices for you and your children.
I went to Alanon as well as CODA. I feel they go hand in hand because there is a reason why we would chose unhealthy relationships.
AlAnon is a great group of people and you can certainly get help and support.
I never regreted going and now that I have completed AlAnon as well as Coda, my life is wonderful.
I went to meetings for almost 8 month and that is all I needed to learn about alcoholism and coda and to heal.
Some people feel it is a life long process to go to these meetings, for me it wasen't. I got out of it what I needed because I was very determined to get my healthy life back after the trauma with this sick man. And I did. I made a choice to not be with an alcoholic man.
Some people chose to stay in their situations and with their A's, so I can see where AlAnon and Coda is definately needed as support.
I feel it is all about what you want in life. A life full of misery for you and your children, or a life full of happiness? The choice is truly yours.
My "healthy" friends are the ones that truly pushed me back into reality.
AlAnon and CODA were the best resources I could have had to help me and I will always be greatful to them and to all the people I met in these meetings.
Good luck and God Bless
P.S. I have a beautiful little boy that survived being born premature at 2 lbs. I look at him every day and know I did the right thing by taking my life back and getting as far away from this man that I could. My son is my life and I owed him a life full of love and that is what hehas.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Sask.
Posts: 64
Sounds familar. Mine too was mad when I started Alanon but he eventually got over it. If you can't get to meetings now buy some books. Getting Them Sober by Toby Drews helped me alot. I learned how to live (and have serenity) with an active A after reading her books. Under the Influence is good too. Just learning about alcoholism helps alot too. If it's good for you it'll be good for your family too. My A has been in and out of recovery all year and he is just now doing pretty good. They have to be willing and ready and until then we can only focus on ourselves.
Summer
Summer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Parma, Ohio
Posts: 3
Hello. It's Heather again. To tell you the truth I wish I could leave or actually make him leave but I do love him. That's not the only reason, though. I go to school online but sometime this year I have to take classes in person to get my degree. If he leaves, I won't have anyone to watch the kids. I have absolutely no one. The only family I have is my mother and she's legally blind. If he's not here, I won't have no one. But at the same time, I'm not really comfortable leaving the kids with him because one of the kids is only 2 months old. And I know as soon as I leave, he'll have some beer. So, I'm kind of stuck in between a rock and a hard place as it were. Also, it's hard to get a job, at least until my almost 6-year old goes to school full day. No day care will take him because he's autistic and still not potty trained and also he's like watching about three kids. So, I have no sitter and I really can't afford one. If I found a way to kick his *ss to the curb and still be able to go to school and/or find a job, put my children in daycare I would do it in a New York minute. So, for right now, I guess I'm stuck in my present situation, at least for another year and a half when I get my degree.
Does anyone have any input if ultimatums worked for them? Because I've tried them a number of times and they seemed to work temporarily, or so I thought. However, he's start back up after I got off of his back. He told me when I was pregnant that as soon as he saw his baby, that in itself would strengthen his resolve for wanting to quit. Now, however, he just comes up with every excuse in the book.
"My job is stressful."
"I had a long day."
Those excuses do not work for me because while he's working, I'm taking care of our autistic son all day and a newborn baby also. He always sleeps in on the weekend and I'm very resentful and mad about that because I never get to sleep in. The baby is up every 3 hours around the clock and guess who sleeps right through his cries and guess who has to get up? So, I have stress but you don't see me hitting the bottle. Anyway, does anyone recommend an ultimatum because everytime he f*cks up, he says he's sorry, please forgive me, it won't happen again, and I always tell him I'm going to leave if he doesn't shape up. Well, he never shapes up and I'm still here. So, I think I'm sending him the wrong message. He thinks I'll always forgive everything he does. Well, I'm tired of it. Maybe if I get real serious, he'll quit because I know he doesn't want to lose his whole family. Any input?
Does anyone have any input if ultimatums worked for them? Because I've tried them a number of times and they seemed to work temporarily, or so I thought. However, he's start back up after I got off of his back. He told me when I was pregnant that as soon as he saw his baby, that in itself would strengthen his resolve for wanting to quit. Now, however, he just comes up with every excuse in the book.
"My job is stressful."
"I had a long day."
Those excuses do not work for me because while he's working, I'm taking care of our autistic son all day and a newborn baby also. He always sleeps in on the weekend and I'm very resentful and mad about that because I never get to sleep in. The baby is up every 3 hours around the clock and guess who sleeps right through his cries and guess who has to get up? So, I have stress but you don't see me hitting the bottle. Anyway, does anyone recommend an ultimatum because everytime he f*cks up, he says he's sorry, please forgive me, it won't happen again, and I always tell him I'm going to leave if he doesn't shape up. Well, he never shapes up and I'm still here. So, I think I'm sending him the wrong message. He thinks I'll always forgive everything he does. Well, I'm tired of it. Maybe if I get real serious, he'll quit because I know he doesn't want to lose his whole family. Any input?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello heather26,
I really feel for you and your situation! Taking care of two small children is very draining and having to deal with your husbands behavior on top of that is overwhelming. Giving him ultimatums usually does not work. You must be prepared to for sure carry out your word!!! There is still no guarantee. I have in the past told my husband more times than I can count that if he didn't stop drinking that I would leave with the children. Things we say in a rage we usually just yell about because we are furious at the time. By the next day we have calmed down and don't feel as upset. You are the only one that can decide what is BEST for you and your life!!! Good luck to you and keep coming back for support. Is there child care provided at the Alanon meetings? Just a thought.
hugs and prayers,
matters
I really feel for you and your situation! Taking care of two small children is very draining and having to deal with your husbands behavior on top of that is overwhelming. Giving him ultimatums usually does not work. You must be prepared to for sure carry out your word!!! There is still no guarantee. I have in the past told my husband more times than I can count that if he didn't stop drinking that I would leave with the children. Things we say in a rage we usually just yell about because we are furious at the time. By the next day we have calmed down and don't feel as upset. You are the only one that can decide what is BEST for you and your life!!! Good luck to you and keep coming back for support. Is there child care provided at the Alanon meetings? Just a thought.
hugs and prayers,
matters
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Heather,
Ultimatums. They never worked for me. Boundaries do, but only if I'm very faithful to them. They're both rules, but an ultimatum is a rule you make for someone else, and a boundary is a rule you make for you. What good does it do to make a rule for him if the "or else" never happens? What do you mean by getting "really serious". It sounds like you're resolved to hang in with this man until you finish your degree. Why make empty threats? Doesn't he see through them? And doesn't this just teach him to not take you seriously?
I'm going to go hunt for some of the threads we've had going about boundaries and bring them up to the top. You might find them to be interesting reading.
Hugs,
Smoke
Ultimatums. They never worked for me. Boundaries do, but only if I'm very faithful to them. They're both rules, but an ultimatum is a rule you make for someone else, and a boundary is a rule you make for you. What good does it do to make a rule for him if the "or else" never happens? What do you mean by getting "really serious". It sounds like you're resolved to hang in with this man until you finish your degree. Why make empty threats? Doesn't he see through them? And doesn't this just teach him to not take you seriously?
I'm going to go hunt for some of the threads we've had going about boundaries and bring them up to the top. You might find them to be interesting reading.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 16
Hi Heather,
Ultimatums..... to what end? If you are trying to get him to stop drinking then the odds are stacked terribly against you. I know there are rare exceptions where ultimatums, threats, teary pleas work; but not often. None of the above worked for me - and I tried them all many, many times.
Now, if you are talking about an ultimatum about how he treats you or being accountable for what he does or does not to to fulfill his responsibilities then that will work (though, perhaps not as desired) - just make sure you know the possible outcomes and are prepared to accept one of them.
I am happy to know that you are looking for help for you.
Ultimatums..... to what end? If you are trying to get him to stop drinking then the odds are stacked terribly against you. I know there are rare exceptions where ultimatums, threats, teary pleas work; but not often. None of the above worked for me - and I tried them all many, many times.
Now, if you are talking about an ultimatum about how he treats you or being accountable for what he does or does not to to fulfill his responsibilities then that will work (though, perhaps not as desired) - just make sure you know the possible outcomes and are prepared to accept one of them.
I am happy to know that you are looking for help for you.
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