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Headlong into a new life

Old 12-23-2011, 12:57 PM
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Headlong into a new life

Hi, my name is Talulah and this is my second day sober.

This is my first post but I've been lurking here for a while. I had a couple of months sober this summer/fall, then tried moderation, then drank heavily for a bit, then tried moderation again.

Before I quit I estimate I was drinking about a bottle of wine a night, but it's hard to say exactly how much because I was drinking from a box, and had also begun pouring vodka into other drinks. There were some days where I only had a glass or two, but many others where I drank until I was obviously drunk or afraid my hangover would be too bad for me to work. Every morning when I got to work I'd pop three advil to cure my chronic morning headache and my most recent lab tests indicated I was ripe for heart disease and diabetes.

Getting sober was a life changing experience for me. I felt joy like I hadn't in years. I got out of the house and did things. I started to feel better physically. I lost weight and my mysterious morning headache went away.

But despite all that, I continued to plan my next drink. I couldn't imagine a life where I could never drink again. At first, I pictured a day far in the future where I would *have* to drink - a wedding, a new year’s party, or special night out. Then I began thinking I could just drink on the weekends and eventually planned to drink at an upcoming party. I ended up breaking my sobriety with a serious binge. I woke up trembling all over, with an incredible sense of anxiety and self hatred. But instead of learning my lesson and getting back on the wagon, I decided I just needed to learn to moderate. I sought out books on moderation and started drinking again most weekends, albeit, mostly moderately. I didn't drink during the week anymore and I really thought I had it under control.

I successfully moderated for about 3 months, until I went to see my partner overseas. We drank together - a lot - but I didn't completely lose my hold on moderation until the third week, when it was like a switch went off in my head and I started to drink with abandon. I know that my fears and hopelessness about my partner's drinking fueled my drinking, in a way. It was easier to just get drunk than deal with a situation I didn't know how to handle and that I feared would never change. But, it was not my partners alcoholism that made me drink to excess. It was mine.

My drinking continued after I returned home to the point I stayed drunk almost the entire weekend after I returned. I realized then, with complete clarity, that I would be perfectly happy to just stay drunk. I eventually came to my senses and tried again to moderate, but with less success than before.

Then, a miracle happened. My partner told me she had quit drinking, and she meant it. It's been 12 days and I've never been happier. I can feel my anger and pain melting away as we talk about the past and the future, but I also felt rebellious when my own drinking came up. I wasn't the one with the problem, after all. But two nights ago, as I sat looking at an empty bottle of wine after I had the last glass and seriously considered going out in a blizzard to buy more so I would have "enough," I realized there is never really enough. So, I’m putting the alcoholic beast to bed and I'm never waking him again. I'm also giving huntress the same gift she gave me - a sober partner.
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Old 12-23-2011, 01:16 PM
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Thanks for a very powerful post. Best of luck in your sobriety and look forward to seeing you on SR!
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Old 12-23-2011, 01:21 PM
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Welcome to SR!
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:38 PM
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Welcome Talulah

Congratulations Talulah, plenty of help here. Merry Christmas
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:40 PM
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now what?
 
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Welcome to a new life, babe.
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Old 12-23-2011, 10:47 PM
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Amazing how that stuff can get it's claws into you, isn't it?...I remember trudging through the snow to go get more alcohol...Thinking to myself...What a sick ******* you are...But I just kept trudging. Great post....Wish you both a safe, sane and sober holidays and New Year!
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Old 12-24-2011, 12:42 AM
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I'm delighted for you Talulah! What an awesome future you now have lying ahead. Come back and see us regularly, I look forward to hearing about your progress.
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Old 12-24-2011, 12:55 AM
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Welcome to SR, talulah. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
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Old 12-24-2011, 02:04 AM
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Welcome, congrats and keep it up!
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Old 12-26-2011, 12:37 PM
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I'm on day 5. It actually feels much longer, because I've truly left alcohol behind. I know my previous sobriety a few months ago is making this a lot easier, partly because of the work I did then, but also because I wasn't drinking nearly as much or as often as I was when I quit orginally, so I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms this time around.

My addictive voice did make a few feeble attempts yesterday to suggest I could just have one, but I kicked it to the curb, hard. I went to Christmas dinner at a co-workers and had a wonderful time. I brought bottles of sparkling apple cider, spiced apple cider, and some grape spritzer to drink and share. They each had one glass of wine or champagne. It was odd to actually see people drink responsibly, because that isn't what I'm used to. If anything, it made it easier to abstain, because I know one would have never been enough and I would have made a drunken fool of myself.

I'm so incredibly happy with my new life and the decisions I've made.
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Old 12-26-2011, 12:45 PM
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Hi Talulah! You're so right - there is no such thing as "enough" for us. Picking up at all can lead to dangerous & unpredictable situations. I'm glad you're realizing there's no moderating or controlling it for us. Glad to have you with here, and may 2012 be a beautiful, peaceful one for you.
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Old 12-26-2011, 01:26 PM
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welcome to SR Talulah

D
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Old 12-26-2011, 04:13 PM
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Welcome Talulah!

Glad you're sharing your new journey with us! It's quite an accomplishment to get through those first days during a holiday season! Glad you're feeling positive and committed - that will take you far!
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Old 12-26-2011, 04:24 PM
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hi talulah - welcome and congrats on your progress
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Old 12-26-2011, 04:34 PM
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Your posts are a joy to read for me. Thank you for sharing and please keep posting. Happy New Year!
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Old 12-26-2011, 04:48 PM
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Welcome to SR! It is great to have you here.
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Old 01-02-2012, 12:31 PM
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So,

I drank last night. Two glasses of mulled wine. I looked up some information on alcohol content this morning and can't seem to get any clear answers on that front. I know it wasn't boiled, because I asked, but it simmered pretty hot for a long time. I felt it just a tiny bit but was completely sober again within an hour, so I know there wasn't a lot of alcohol in it.

I don't know why I did it, to be honest. I just wanted some. I have been struggling with depression and apathy because of a med change and also just wanting the taste of wine. I'm open to suggestions about how to replace the taste.

I did succeed in that I didn't drink enough to get tipsy or set off cravings enough to get a bottle and bring home but I can clearly tell I am not strong enough to go to parties with alcohol yet. I've also been having trouble getting to sleep and having ptsd symptoms emerging at night. My mind just won't stop and I'm having intrusive thoughts. I think I am identifying some reasons I might have been drinking in the first place.
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Old 01-02-2012, 12:40 PM
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Mulled wine?....Never even heard of it...Then again I never looked for it. Are you sure it's just the taste of wine you are seeking??...And as far as being strong enough to go to parties with alcohol goes....You don't even have two weeks yet....That should really be the last thing on your mind.
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Old 01-02-2012, 12:45 PM
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Mulled wine is wine that is simmered with cinnammon and cloves and citrus. I went to a party and they were serving it.

I know I don't just want the taste, I just think perhaps if I could find something that tasted more like it I would feel more satisfied.
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Old 01-02-2012, 12:49 PM
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You have to change people places and things....If you want it....Not cover up wine with cinnammon and cloves...That's insanity.
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