OCJ

First post, I'm not the best to usually open up to many things, but the Christmas season always seems to induce severe introspection, the classical 'what if's', and all the other fun bubbly stuff that crops up.

Long story simplified, my spouse functional drinker, we're since legally separated (saving funds for final paperwork), she's on her own, we keep limited communications as we really don't hate each other, I just refuse to keep treading that path.

So, in the year and half since separation, met another woman, very nice girl, good feelings for her etc and very compassionate/understanding/helpful about the past and vast expanse of patience. Really really great stuff.

So, here is the tie in to the title, why is it during this season the emotions start bubbling up about the former spouse? I do quite care about the new woman, but I find myself thinking of the former.

I realize there is no 'normal', but is this normal?

There's a meeting on Tuesday after Christmas I plan on going to, but could use some pearls of wisdom to get me over this little hump.

OCJ

lillamy

Well... I don't know about you but I tend to get sentimental this time of year... I miss simpler times, often -- miss my childhood Christmases without the responsibility of being an adult; miss when my babies (who are now all in double digits) were really babies... think about how things could have been better, different...

I also tend to question myself -- I think it's the season, thinking about forgiveness and good will to mankind and all that stuff -- and wonder if I really did everything I could have done...

And then January hits and I'm back to my old sarcastic self again. But I've done the same thing you have, in a similar situation. I wouldn't trade my new love for the old alcoholic for anything in the world -- but it hits me harder that a person I spent so many years with is going down the toilet and that there's not a thing I can do to prevent it from happening.

So normal? I don't know. Normal for us who have been involved with alcoholics? Well, if you and I both do it, at least there's two of us being dysfunctional in the same way, at worst.

tabatha

I find myself doing the same thing. I even have dreams that bring up old feelings. The drama and chaos and uncertainty that go along with living with and loving an addict produce such strong and intense emotions that they seem to stay with you for a long time. I think this time of year brings out a lot sentimentality and nostalgia, even if there is no current love left for the person.
I always catch myself thinking "maybe if I had done something else, more, different, etc I could have helped." Realistically I know different but yet these feelings still surface.

Hevyn

I do agree - even when our present lives are happy the holidays can make us melancholy for no good reason. I was shopping, & Karen Carpenter's "Merry Christmas Darling" came on. (You know - "I wish I were with you" is one of the lines.) It was like a knife in my heart - I had to bite my lip hard to keep from crying. I'm not sure what that was about. Very complicated stuff.

Pleased to meet you, OCJ - glad you brought this up.

bonami

I'm also rather melancholy right now. I'm missing my RAF/ex-coworker a lot today. I've gotten used to him being gone, but this week I'm doing an annual project that we used to work on together, so it's a big reminder of him just staring me in the face every day. Since he's the one that's requested NC right now, I have no idea how he's doing and that's not helping.

I know that for me, all of the year-end retrospective stuff that happens during the holiday season always gets me thinking about the past, and then I get sentimental when I remember friends or family that I'm out of touch with.

Thanks for a very thought-provoking first post, OCJ.

OCJ

That's perfect stuff all. Tyvm. Lillamy, that's pretty much exactly what I needed to see. Kind of thought alot of us go through the same thing, but everyone once in a while you just need the gentle confirmation/affirmation that you are truly not insane.

Merry Christmas all!

Btw...I've been lurking here for ages, just wanted to say some of you folks really got your 'schtuff' together with great information.

lillamy

Hey, come hang out more often! It's a good group of people. And honestly (and I had this discussion with a male coworker yesterday) -- I think in some ways, men with alcoholic wives can be even lonelier than women with alcoholic husbands... because you guys don't tend to have the same support system with friends that us women do...

And there are some REALLY good guys in here. And a lot of REALLY smart women as well.

LifeRecovery

I am about 16mths out from the end of my relationship, start of my divorce etc.

Kind of the begining of the end though was the death of my father in law Xmas eve 2009.

I find a lot of support in the recovery "stuff." But have also found that learning about the grief cycle has been very comforting and "normalizing" for me.

This stuff takes time, and there are so many layers. That helped me to understand that I was falling in the realm of normal...which automatically made me feel better.