BlueMoon

Please no judgements. Please no dredging up past posts.


My son wants to tell his 5 girls the truth about why their grandpa (Papa) won’t be
at xmas dinner this year. My son is also pretty torn up about this himself.
I have offered to do the actual speaking myself (even tho I don’t want to!)
and so I am preparing myself for it *IF* my son accepts that offer. I think he might.

I would appreciate some input on the actual wording –
the girls are 13, 11, 10, 7 + 5 and will be told as a group.

Again - Please no judgements. Please no dredging up past posts.

(something like this: )
I have something hard to tell you.
Papa is sick. He is something called an alcoholic.
What that means is that if he even drinks one beer, or one drink, he can’t stop –
it makes him crazy, it makes him sick and sometimes it makes him do bad things.

Right now he is in jail because he got drunk.
Jail is his punishment. Pretty soon he will get to be out of jail
and there are lots of people who love him
and are going to help him so that he doesn’t have to drink any more.
He is going to work very, very hard so that he doesn’t have to drink any more.
He loves all of us very much and he misses all of us and he wants to be with us.
I still love Papa very much and I miss him very much too.

thanx
Blue

FT

I think you did a damn good job on the wording. I wouldn't change a thing.

Ft

XXXXXXXXXX

Wow, hugs to you. I think you might want to think about the wording "he went to jail because he got drunk.". For a while my daughter had a problem sorting out when non-alcoholic family were drinking. It scared her to see her grandma drink a couple glasses of wine.

Also be very careful about not makingthem feel responsible for him getting better. If you tell them that they can help him not drink, they may feel responsible if he fails.

Good luck, I know this is hard. There are others here who might have input on age appropriate talk.

BlueMoon

X - that's why i changed my orignal words to "from drink beer" to "got drunk" - trying to differentiate between the two -

i was trying to say his friends + even the professionals at treatment, etc - now i DO see what you mean - any thoughts on how to reword it?? cuz you DO have an excellent point! thanx!

abbynorml

Ditto what XX said about the wording "he went to jail because he got drunk". Same thing with my youngest, confused him because he has people in his life who drink "normally"

I would focus on the fact that he did something while drunk that landed him in prison. For me, it was hard, but I had to admit to my children that I drove a car while I was drinking and that was NOT okay.

MsPINKAcres

((Blue))

My thoughts and prayers are with you & your family as you go thru this difficult time ~

I pray that whatever words you use to talk to your precious granddaughters that your HP sprinkles them with love, patience, kindness and healthy compassion and those sweet little hearts that love their PaPa understand how much he loves them and it is NOT their fault.

I pray the dawn of the New Year brings a lifetime of recovery for your family!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

BlueMoon

the focus for the Prosecutor (have talked to her MANY times in the last 3.5 weeks) is the fact that this is the umpteenth public intox arrest - not so much as what he DID -
(and he's in JAIL -not prison - )


Blue

Ponder

How about saying instead of because he got drunk, say "because he forgot how very important it is for him NOT to ever drink alcohol.

Thumper

I think the letter is good but I agree with the points that have been made too.

Perhaps tweak it just a little to say something like it makes him sick and he makes bad choices. He is in jail now because of those choices.

There are lots of people that love him, that is such a good thing to include. I do agree with the concerns about stating that the people that love him are going to help him.

I told my kids that it was very very hard to stop drinking when you are an alcoholic. Dad couldn't do it by himself so he was going to a place where people that really knew a lot about alcoholism could help him figure out how to stop.

You and his family love him. That is enough. That is all you can do. IMO, the girls need to know that both so they do not feel responsible to do something, and so that they do not hold others in the family responsible for his success or lack of.

BlueMoon

oh man! thanks for the input!
i'm takin' notes! here's the 2nd draft:

I have something hard to tell you.
Papa is sick. He is something called an alcoholic.
What that means is that if he even drinks one beer,
or one drink, he can’t stop –
it makes him sick and he makes bad choices.
He is in jail now because of those choices.
Because he forgot how very important it is for him to NOT EVER drink alcohol.

Jail is his punishment. Pretty soon he will get to be out of jail
and he has lots of friends + people
who love him and who are going to help him
figure out how to stop so that he doesn’t have to drink any more.
He is going to work very, very hard so that he doesn’t have to drink any more.
That is HIS responsibility now.

He loves all of us very much and he misses all of us
and he wants to be with us.
I still love Papa very much and I miss him very much too.

(and yes, i'm gonna have it on a note card
cuz i'm prob'ly gonna cry + forget the words i'm working so hard to perfect)
Blue

m1k3

Blue Moon, how is this.

I toned it down a little bit for the younger ones with out dumbing it down for the older ones. I agreed with the earlier poster that you don't want to make the kids think they are responsible for keeping him from drinking.

I hope this helps.


I have something hard to tell you.
Papa is sick. He is something called an alcoholic.
What that means is that if he even drinks one beer,
or one drink, he can’t stop –

Because of this he sometimes makes mistakes.
He is in jail now because of those mistakes.

Just because someone makes a mistake doesn’t mean we don’t love them anymore.

Pretty soon he will get to be out of jail
and he has lots of friends + people who love him and want him to get better.
And he is going to work very, very hard so that he does get better

He loves all of us very much and he misses all of us
and he wants to be with us.

I still love Papa very much and I miss him very much too.


Your friend,

BlueMoon

oh i LIKE that!
you simplified it for me - which is what i was TRYING to do but . . . well you know . . .
thanks Mike! it's now on my growing sheet of notes!!

Blue

Hanna

I kind of like the "bad choices" wording.
Even the littlest ones know about choices, right?

I think you and your son will be relieved once the girls know.
Sending you strength for this conversation.

akrasia

The older ones have probably heard their dad talk about the reason he's in jail. Phrasing the fact that your husband threatened to kill you as a "bad choice" or a "mistake" he made is a confusing message for them. At least add something to the effect that they will be kept safe no matter what.

I hope you are getting some support for yourself in a difficult time.

BlueMoon

Please no judgements.

sesh

I'm sure your girls will get all you want to say just fine.
You'd be surprised at how clever kids are.
They can always tell when there is something wrong.
And honesty works the best.

I know it made the world of change when I finally spoke honestly with my kids about my husband. Prior to that I was always trying to protect them by not telling them the way the things really are, but all I did by that is made them confused.

That time I sat them down (they were 11 and 6 at the time) and told them everything: dad is A, what alcoholism is, that he is in hospital since he is sick with liver cirrhosis, that he might not survive, that he loves them very much, but that he couldn't do better since alcoholism is such a disease. I answered all their question as honestly as I could. I said I don't know when I didn't know the answer.

I can honestly tell you that was the moment recovery started for my kids. As they learned something very important in that conversation: that they can trust me.

I know it is different for you since these girls are your grandchildren and not as exposed to alcoholism as much as my kids were, but regardless of that I'm convinced kids know so much more than we give them credit for. They tend to sense things much more than adults, and they trust their intuition, even though they can't make the sense of what they sensing.

I'm sure the honest conversation you're about to have with them will give you all some peace.

Also, I'd like to second what Thumper said: it is important kids don't get impression either of you is responsible for making papa better, since it doesn't work that way.

I wish you well and happy holidays
HUGS

wellnowwhat

I like Mike's version and I would read it to them. I would preface with something like:

I have something to tell you that is hard for me and I want to say it right and not forget anything so I am going to read what I want to say. I am upset and this might upset you, too, and that's ok. People get upset sometimes, even grown ups. We can all comfort each other.

Seeing upset adults can be scary for children.

Sending best wishes to you all.

BlueMoon

sesh – I’m nodding to everything your post said. You made some excellent points + I agree – and I’ve ALWAYS known – kids are WAY smarter than what most adults give them credit for! I’m also going to work to be careful to NOT give the impression that just because we love Papa doesn’t mean we have the power (or responsibility) to fix him.

wellnowwhat – that is SUCH an excellent idea! I didn’t want to just click “Thanks”! THANK YOU! I hadn’t thought of that + actually saying that to them.

You said that seeing upset adults can be scary for children – I agree. But I think maybe that’s only if they don’t know WHY . . . ? From my own childhood memories, it was even more upsetting to watch the adults hide/deny their upset feelings. Like sesh was saying: kids are smart . . . they know a lie when it’s right in front of them

Again – thank you ALL so much for the input + caring. I am SO nervous but I know this is the right thing to do – and with HP’s arms around me, I know it will all be ok. There’s going to be some tears – but that’s part of love and life. Maybe this will be my gift to them this year (since I can’t afford anything else) – the gift of knowing it’s OK to have feelings . . .

****{hugs to you all}}}
Blue

akrasia

Has your son accepted your offer to give the talk? Or has he decided to just talk to them on his own?

If you still find yourself struggling with the wording, what if you just told them you're a bit freaked out still and you're coming to terms with it, are having trouble putting it all into words. That would be okay too. I bet they'd relate to that sort of honesty.

Maybe it's just me, but I remember a few difficult times as a child when a parent or other adult would address all us kids with what was obviously a canned speech--and I kind of resented it. It felt like, "Here is how we are all going to think about this," rather than something honest. Like when my brother made a suicide attempt, my father got us all together and said, "HE DID NOT MEAN TO KILL HIMSELF AND IT'S FINE NOW HE'S FINE." That was clearly going to be the party line.

Looking back now, I see Dad was just trying to keep things under control--and be strong for us or something--but it would have meant more if he had just said, "I'm freaked out and sad, I'm still coming to terms with this, maybe you feel the same way, we can get some counselling to help us through." I was 13 then come to think of it.

Hope you have some peaceful times this Christmas too.

TakingCharge999

BlueMoon I agree 100% its very upsetting to see adults acting strong or something else rather than whatever they are feeling, my parents and sister are like that, they could be at their most vulnerable and still not share it with anyone.. they are STILL that way and I am almost 30!! Maybe that´s why I love SR, tons of people being HONEST... including myself...

I got no kids nor experience in this but I agree with akrasia in that, it would help to ask each one of the kids if they got questions or how THEY feel... one therapy exercise I did with a group was drawing our feelings about a certain topic (in our case it was abandonment) and it was very freeing and a bonding experience...

I also agree the best gift you can be, is being honest yourself and sharing your own feelings...


HUGS!