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Why can't i have control??

Old 12-22-2011, 05:36 AM
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Why can't i have control??

I blew it after 16 days. I was so hungover yesterday, I drove to the store and bought a case of beer and drank almost all of it. I went to bed, woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety, heart racing, sweats and feeling like crap.

WHY, did I do it? Nothing triggered it, I was wrapping gifts, cleaning the house, enjoying the christmas music and I thought, he why not a beer, even though i knew after three I would not have any ambition to do anymore and would continue to drink until I was done...which is what happened.

I am so ashamed, my house is a disaster and I, again, feel like crap...I went through the hardest part weeks ago, the withdrawals, the cravings, the lack of sleep, feeling like I had the flu, the itchy skin, the breakouts in my skin and I finally got back to normal...even lost six lbs and saved over $200 from not buying the beer, and I threw it all away.

HOW, can I beat this disease? So, here I am, back to day 1

I will take what I learned from the first time and hopefully make it work to my advantage.

This will be my first sober Christmas in years....
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Old 12-22-2011, 05:39 AM
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Put more into staying stopped! You can do this. Try again!
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Old 12-22-2011, 05:42 AM
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Sorry, Tammy. I remember those feelings so well. For me I had to truly give up and acknowledge that once I have a drink, I am powerless over alcohol. I did not want to die from my alcoholism and my life was out of control from booze, I felt like I was hanging onto everything by a thin thread.

You can do it though. Make yourself a plan. What are you going to do? If you keep failing at keeping sober, you need to do something differently. Best wishes to you on your sobriety.
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Old 12-22-2011, 05:48 AM
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I don't think you threw everything away, I'm sure you learned a lot during those 16 days. Now start again and use those lessons and look at why you drank to learn some new ones. What ever you do don't give up!
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Old 12-22-2011, 05:58 AM
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tammy...first don't give up. Yes it is day 1, but you just pick yourself up. Do not feel ashamed with yourself. You posted here, which I appreciate. I see strength in that.

Why did you do it? Well, I am sure people will say you have a disease, you suffer from alcoholism ect. Personally I am struggling with that. I sometime say I have learnt a great deal about myself in the past month. By that I mean I honestly didn't think my issue with alcohol was as bad as it is until I tried to stop for 30 days.

For my it is that voice. It starts around 5 pm and it wants a drink. It pleads, begs, rationalizes "hey you don't have a problem" things like that. From reading posts here of those who have 6 months, 1 year sobriety, I know it gets better. It will for me, and it will for you.

There are many posts here on that voice. I know, it seems at times an impossible thing to beat this. But in reading the posts you know many people do. And so can you.

Post here, keep your mind busy, use yesterday and burn it into your mind. You do not want to wake up again at 2 am. Simply alcohol is not worth it. What is does to you personally, your finances, your health.

I recently read a book by Caroline Knapp, Drinking a Love Story. Wow, I never want to go there. Not a place to be. Alcohol is very cunning and takes away from the person you can be.

I wish you every success in your journey.

Jim
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:18 AM
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Tammy, sry to hear that, I sure wish there was a concrete answer to that question. Every relapse I've had has taught me something, many (like yours) were due to being on autopilot. Allowed the addictive part of the brain to take control over me, just as it would during a blackout. Each day sober helps drive the thought deeper into my mind that "I do not drink." remembering 'I' am the one in control and I have to keep it that way 100%.
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by tammygirl View Post
why not a beer, even though i knew after three I would not have any ambition to do anymore and would continue to drink until I was done...which is what happened.
You have to get the idea that you can have 'just one' out of your head.

Until I really 'got' that I stayed an active alcoholic.

I hope you get your sober Christmas!
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:29 AM
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Tamm-just for today.....remember how awful it feels to drink. Choose sobriety-choose life.

I like what sugarbear1 said:
"Put more into staying stopped! You can do this. Try again!"

You totally can do this-ask for help!
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Scolova View Post
Tammy, sry to hear that, I sure wish there was a concrete answer to that question. Every relapse I've had has taught me something, many (like yours) were due to being on autopilot. Allowed the addictive part of the brain to take control over me, just as it would during a blackout. Each day sober helps drive the thought deeper into my mind that "I do not drink." remembering 'I' am the one in control and I have to keep it that way 100%.
"Autopilot." What an accurate description of something I've experienced with my own relapses. I didn't beat myself up trying to figure out what my triggers were but I did wonder because I couldn't think of any.

I had some bad cravings last night but thankfully, I shut them down. And they were nothing more than that: Cravings. I didn't NEED a drink. I didn't even WANT one. It was Autopilot trying to take the wheel.
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:42 AM
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Read my signature... I live by that line..

If it were easy, we wouldn't all be here to support each other, we'd just quit. Keep focused on the big picture, BUT, for today, worry about today. You can't rip the alcohol out of your blood that you drank up last night, so, why beat yourself up over it? All you can do is say, "I screwed up. Time to start again, this time, I'll do better." You sound like you knew what you were doing was bad from the start. So this time around, work on that first sip.. why can't you have that first sip, what follows it, and why would you give up how every many days of previous sobriety for one night? It's kind of like cheating on yourself after days/weeks/years of happy marriage. Why would you cheat on yourself after such a happy life you've had for so long.

Stay strong! Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
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Old 12-22-2011, 07:21 AM
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I'm glad that you're back and trying again.

Do you keep alcohol in the house? I wondered about that while reading your post. If so, it might be a good idea to get rid of it.
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Old 12-22-2011, 07:28 AM
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I don't have advice for you, since I'm in a similar situation after months of sobriety. All I can say is that both of us have to keep trying no matter what. I don't think a person has truly failed until they've stopped trying. That's what I'm trying to keep in my head at least. Best of luck. We can do this!!
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Old 12-22-2011, 07:39 AM
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Sorry hear that your on day 1 again, tammygirl. I had that same issue last night, when I was with someone and we were talking about work. I wanted to drink for about 2 hours. The only ting I could do is to remain myself that, I will get drunk, feel like crap and drink for 3 days straight and have a bad hangover for 5 days. The craving goes away and life goes on. You have the power to control it and if you don't learn how to then those day 1 will have a lot more often.

Learn from it and move on. Your still alive!
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Old 12-22-2011, 07:47 AM
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Tammy, I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I am very familiar with the intense feelings of guilt that come after a night of drinking. Actually, I'm pretty much in the same boat altogether, except that 16 days sober would be a miracle for me. I think I've had 16 consecutive days maybe four different times in my life, and two of those times were during my pregnancies, and another was during a long hospitalization. I too will be quick to conclude that I do not have a real problem and that it is okay to drink a few beers. I think if we keep in mind what has been said here about not having the first drink, not even the first sip, it can help us. All the best to you.
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Old 12-22-2011, 08:08 AM
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So what are you going to do differently this time? Have you considered some face to face support like with AA or counseling?
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Old 12-22-2011, 08:19 AM
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I'll spare you the lecture and just tell you what I've done. before the "gee a drink would enhance whatever i am doing", either wrapping gifts, talking, watching TV or whatever...i've learned that the end of this *romance* is ugly and self-defeating, it steals my happiness and sense of accomplishment, it steals my time.. You are in control to shut it down and move in the opposite direction. I now know that anything can trigger me, from a commercial on TV to icecubes in a glass that tinkle.

don't let this turn into a weeklong hell. please stop and get through the next couple of days and enjoy a sober Christmas
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Old 12-22-2011, 08:29 AM
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Well Tammy you got a lot of love and advice here.

The only thing I can add is I used to beat myself up when I slipped and go OMG day 1 starting all over.

Till I realized that its not really starting over or day 1 , because I have learned far much more than I knew one my true day one.

Keep working on it, and you can do it
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Old 12-22-2011, 10:22 AM
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Tammy,
Know how you feel. I did that in October after going sober for about a week. That lasted until just as of recently.
Like others here have said, I have recognized that I am absolutely an alcoholic. I cannot have one single drink ever. If I do, I slide down immediately and fast. So instead I come here at night. I brew myself a pot of tea and have a cuppa. I go to the gym. I do anything possible to ignore that "voice" that tells me at around 430pm that "wouldn't it be GREAT to have a drink". That voice is so slick, so conniving, so charismatic and in the past so good at getting me to succumb all over again.
Find some sort of diversion to keep your mind busy, it helps, at least for me.
Take care! :ghug3
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Old 12-22-2011, 01:57 PM
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Hi Tammy
Welcome back

I thought, hey why not a beer, even though i knew after three I would not have any ambition to do anymore and would continue to drink until I was done...which is what happened.
sounds to me like you knew why not?

I know it's difficult to do things differently - but we really have to if we want change in our lives.
I had to learn that instead of reaching out for the beer I had to reach out for help - otherwise nothing ever changed.

What have you been doing for support?
D
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Old 12-22-2011, 02:07 PM
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Alcohol poisoning is what comes to mind
when large amounts of alcohol is consumed
in the body in a short amounts of time.

I am POWERLESS over my control over
alcohol. One was never enough nor will
there ever be enough alcohol in this world
to satisfy my desire or cravings for it.

With a program of recovery in place with
steps and principles to live by and incorperate
in my everyday life I can stay sober one day
at a time.

I took that first step - STEP ONE- Admitting
I was powerless over alcohol and my life had
become unmanageable 21 yrs ago. Today, i
share my own ESH with others that still suffer
with addiction in order to remain sober myself.

So can you with help from the fellowship of many
who have stayed sober a number of one days at
a time.
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