Holly21

My son has been in jail for one year since I revoked his bail. He is awaiting trial. He is begging me to give him another chance and bail him out. Everyone is telling me that he will probably go back to using if I do. I know he needs to feel the consequences of his actions and that it is harder to shoot heroin in there. Bit I so much want to help him feel better (rescue him). I am going to visit him today and he will either be very angry with me or crying to get him out. Any words of wisdom for me? I am having such an unbearable time.

ownedbypugs

I don't have any words of wisdom, but, I know how hard it is. My son has been in jail on a violation of probation charge for 6 days and it's been hard. It makes it even harder that it is during the holidays. Sorry for what you are going through.

lauren

Hi
Well, when I read your post it reminded me of all the crying and promises that
I've heard over a ten year period and my son is only 26. I've lost thousands of dollars, along with my health and a near loss of my husband due to all the promises made.
At first my son would manage around a 3 month period of sobriety..then two months then 6 weeks and now it works out to about a week or two.
Our last conversation was .. is it a 20 minute deal to drugs?
I have come to understand that all the time in jail is a waiting out period for him as he has all the time to think of ways to get what he wants and do as addicts do when he is out.
It is not a want to stay clean..it is a want to get high at the soonest time that they can score.
Also he seems to find a enabler or victim that will walk with him due to his stories of being adopted and how horrible we are as parents so I've decided to play into the horrible parent role.
He has even contacted his bio mother and has her taken in with all the lies of us being non supportive.
I simply wrote her back and said..please go for it..he is yours to deal with..please give us the break that we need as we are done..the end!

lauren

hope2be

Huggs to you Holly,
I empathize with your pain. It is hard for us to watch our ACs going through their pain too.

However, as you read through this site, I think the big message to remember is the three C's. My ACs have made promises because they did not want to face consequences at that point. My cushioning (enabling) only helped them to go deeper into the darkness.

JUst try to sit down and think of how he came to be in jail in the first place. Did you break the law and they put him in jail? At times, I had to sit down and review the events that lead them to jail (or any other event). That kind of put it in perspective for me at the moment.

When they were teenagers, I told them I would not go visit them in jail or have any part of it. To this day, I have never visited any of them in jail. It may be the only healthy parenting rule I abided by. However, that is for each of us to decide.

Hope

Ilovemysonjj

Holly, my son was in jail over 4 months due to crimes committed against our family, over 10,000 of jewelry and precious metals sold, gone... He was allowed to enter a rehab program after the initial incarceration. I am not financially supporting him at ALL> He is also not allowed to live with us again. I believe that is a HUGE trigger for my son, having our home as a place he can fall back on... Going right back to the drugs, lifestyle and comforts of home. Everything he had, he lost. Now HE has to get it all back, by HIMSELF.... I know it is so hard during the holidays and of course you love your son. Remember why he is where he is... Until he chooses rehab, jail is a purgatory /waiting room till they go back to use. If you let him out, what would your boundaries be as it relates to recovery and your well being?

outtolunch

Your first post says he has been accused of a serious crime that you attributed to drugs. Assuming he is eventually found guilty of this crime, time served will likely work in his favor in terms of sentencing, no?


We teach people how to treat us. The upcoming visit sounds very unpleasant, either he's angry at you for not rescuing him or the manipulative crying/begging thing. Have you given any thought to not visiting or if you need to do so, get up and walk out, when the game begins.

Jail is a consequence of his crime. Give him the gift of dignity to experience the consequences. It's his only shot at considering alternatives to dope.

Panda13

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. My now ex-boyfriend of nearly 5 years went to jail for awhile earlier this year and it was unbearable. Once he was out he started going to therapy and meetings but I late found out he was in fact using the entire time. As much as I still love and care for him, I let him go and am now taking care of myself.

Looking back on it I wish I didn't give into his manipulation of pleading and crying for me to stay as well as his parents not bailing him out. Lately I've been wishing he was still in jail so he could truly face his consequences and know everything he's done and really want to be sober.

I hope you'll find the answer soon on how knowing how to help your son. Maybe a little time in jail will help him, it's worth a shot. But don't forget to take care of yourself.

bren8854

Right at this very moment I am wishing that my son would be re-arrested because, though I realize they may get drugs in jail he most likely will not overdose. It is Christmas Eve and I am afraid my son will be dead before the end of this year. As hard as jail is, he is alive. Maybe that thought can bring you some peace.