wynter

Hi,
First time posting here. I've driven my gf's crazy with all of this misery, ad nauseum. Hope others here who have been through similar situations can shed some light to help me cope. Boyfriend has been sober over a year. We've been together two. Attends meetings, is finally working (lost his job and divorced during the fray.) We've been together for two years. My father was an alcoholic, died from the disease, so I am very familiar with its ramifications.

Still, stupidly thought after rehab (which he was in 7 months) he would progress back to the person I knew pre-drinking. Duh. I don't know who he is anymore. One day he is kinda similar to that dude, laughing and light-hearted and seems to genuinely care about me. We have a whole lot in common, and during those times it all feels very right. Enough for me to overlook and minimize the long haul he has in front of him. One that I know will never, ever end. But as I said, there is a lot of good.

Then there is the rest. The distance I cant close. The walls to shut me out. Lately been walking on eggshells. I either say nothing about the fact that I feel we are growing apart, or I carefully walk around it, say something, and then I will usually see/feel the disapproval of how I am acting...i.e., always COMPLAINING. He loves to turn things around so he doesn't have to be accountable for what he does. (deep down I know he gets all of it. He's a very smart man. this is just his crutch and he uses it well.)

Incident happened a few days ago. We were getting along ok, christmas shopping. He worked the following day. We had made plans to get together on tuesday evening to shop and hang out. He is working a whole lot this week and it was going to be very difficult to see him, so this was the only day. I spoke to him for two minutes before he had to go into work, brought up that I would see him later tonight. He hesitated, a bit too long, and said, 'well, uh, L invited me over for dinner tonight.' Are you kidding me??? L is a friend that he sees frequently. L's dinner was pizza. Not that that matters. He had to hang up to go in to work, said I'll call you later. I said, 'dont bother.' of course he said, 'ok.'

I sent him a text a short while later, telling him that we had made plans and why was it ok to toss me aside for another offer (should add this isn't the first time he's done this kind of behavior). Told him that I matter and he should treat me that way. Got no response. All day, all night, nothing. he obviously went to his dinner. Didn't worry one bit about it.

Me, on the other hand, hardly slept all night. Feel plain sh*tty today. So this am I get a text "see you tonight." Really. really. Just like that.

Here's the thing, if I don't respond or agree to see him, i can see the writing on the wall -- its more of my fault. This is so juvenile to me. Maybe it's just that, but I kinda get the drift from what I've read and know that this is typical of alcoholics, recovering or not. Question I have is how to cope? What can I do to not make myself any crazier here? i've been this guys rock, stood by him when everyone else booked. But i see he can't be there for me. And, yes, i've already heard the adage 'i'm working on my recovery. it comes first.' Btdt. Get it. I am on the fence. Dont want to lose this guy, afraid to do/say the wrong thing. But i need to keep my self-respect and dignity and do what i need to for me too.

That's where i'm at today. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening. i truly appreciate any wise words and advice.

Willybluedog

Dear wynter, welcome, so glad you are here, so sorry for all you are going through.

Please read the stickies at the top of the page as well as the the other threads, there are lots here about the after-rehab stories and related coping mechanisms.

Also please jump over to the Adult Children of Alcoholics page, it has less traffic than this page but some really great stickies and threads there also.

Counseling has been a huge help for me both individual and couples, also treatment for depression with Prozac was literally a lif-saver for me.

Have you attended al-anon, they may be able to help you better cope with all that is going on as well as giving you a better understanding of the recovery process.

Please come back often, if you need to vent, just want to talk, need propping up, or just need a hug, I will be here to listen, you have joined a family and there are so many great people here who have walked the same path.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

wynter

Thank you both. I will read the stickies. Recently found this site, but need to take my time and read through it.

He has changed and continues to do so. Really, I sometimes wonder if he wants out of this relationship and just doesn't know how to go about it. I have asked him that, and he always denies it or sidesteps. He's good at those sidesteps.

We just had a convo about the previous evenings situation. It went nowhere. Basically he was right, and I should be ok with it. no apology, might well have said 'oh well'. This whole thing is too hurtful right now. And you're right, I find myself always focusing on him and his needs. But...that's b/c it is usually the way it goes. It's about him AlOT. So when I do try and take some comfort in my own needs it tends to go nowhere, or i sound 'needy'...Im between a rock and hard place most times.

Willybluedog

Some people have recommended co-dependent no more, I do not remember the authors name but it has gotten great reviews on the boards, also I posted a set of exercises on the ACOA board, they are basicall a set of positive affirmations you do seven times a day for 21 days to help replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

Al-anon may help with setting boundaries and focusing on your recovery, while he works on his revcovery.

You are not alone, you are among friends, please come here anytime you are needing a boost, you are a good person, you deserve to be happy!

Bill

MsPINKAcres

((wynter))

A great thing I learned in my recovery is that ALL of my needs don't have to be met by one person ~

Especially in a relationship with a recovering A that spends a lot of time in meetings and working with A's - we can sometimes feels like second best. But I would rather be Second to Recovery than Second to drugs/alcohol.

So maybe you can start attending your own recovery meetings (al-anon, nar-anon, acoa), reading the post here, recovery literature (I love How Al-Anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics) -

Develop your own interest and life ~ so you become not so focus on him but on your own life - then you and he may find your time together more special

Just a suggestion. . .

PINK HUGS,
Rita

wynter

I have co-dependent no more, have read it over a few times. Many dog-eared pages, I'll tell you that. Al-anon, not yet. Been suggested by others, and I know it makes all the sense in the world.

Rita, you are so right -- I absolutely know (from experience) that you need to look inside for your own happiness and not to anyone else. Whenever you do that, you set yourself up for failure and heartache. I am working on doing that. Sometimes, though, it's easier than others. Depends on who you are with, i.e., the dynamics are so different in every relationship. With this man, sheez louise, the rules always go out the window. A whole new playing field -- just when I think I got it all figured out, he throws me another curve. So I find myself asking, should love be this difficult???? I know, million dollar question, but worth mulling around.

Even though my dad was a full out alcoholic, I was pretty much grown up and out of the house by that time. This time around, dating a recovering alcoholic, I am very aware of the tendency to become co-dependent with him. But I guess I never realized how selfish the alcoholic/recovering alcoholic really is till now. Never saw my dad in that light. It's hard for me not to take it all very personally, especially since I tend to be extremely sensitive...look out, as this man does not/can't understand that aspect of my personality at all. ouch.

Gotta pull out my favorite yoga adage -- let it go. I will stay focused on myself and the positives in our relationship. for now.

Thank you all

ps....Rita, I love that audrey hepburn quote!!

Hanna

Never mind the alcoholism and the fact that this is your boyfriend If a friend frequently made plans with you and then broke them whenever something "better" came along, how would you react? I would start seeing them less and less. And the fact that he doesn't even apologize or acknowledge the rudeness shows you no respect at all. This is nothing short of basic rudeness, but for some reason he believes he can treat you in a way that no one else would tolerate and that you will continue to be there. Why is that?

wynter

Hanna,
I've been away from the computer. Glad I saw your post. Yes, you voiced exactly how I feel about the situation. It's very important to me to make sure I follow through with friends and even acquaintances. If I make plans with someone, there has to be practically an emergency that I will cancel. I have never done this to him. Wouldn't think of it. Truth be told, this is the third time he's done it over the past two years. I remember them all. The first time he apologized profusely. The last two times his reaction was about the same, got angry, tried to make it that we didn't have anything concrete, so what was the harm?

This last time really hurt me. Yah, it's a little thing, but to me it means I'm not a priority, and speaks of a lack of caring on his part. You just don't do that to people you care about -- and if you do, then you apologize and try and make it better. He has not apologized, even though I asked for him to do so.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I ignore too many things b/c of his alcoholism. I give him way too much of a break b/c he has so much going on in his life. I know, that's messed up, and I need to call him out on it. Been walking on eggshells, and that's no way to have a relationship with anyone.

Funny thing, as I said earlier, he's a smart man. He knows better, but chooses to do this. For what reason? Who knows.

I know I deserve better.

Hanna

I recognize it well because without realizing it at the time, in the past I always had a different standard for men I dated than I did for my friends. And when they started doing things like this, it felt like suddenly I was being (intermittently) treated like the enemy.
I don't think this is about alcoholism but even so, giving an alcoholic a pass on basic politeness doesn't do anything good for us or for them and especially not for the relationship.

I'm not sure if I could ever just ask without emotion "Would you do this to a friend and if so, how do you keep them? And if not, why would you do it to your girl?" But if you could ask and open a dialogue instead of starting a fight, it would be great to hear what they had to say.

In retrospect, I now see that the guys that treated me like this didn't care for me in the way I want/need and that was one way of showing it. Doesn't mean that is your situation at all, but it was definitely my experience.

m1k3

Wynter, if your best friend came to you with the same story what would you say to her?

Alcoholic or not, recovering or not, if you are not happy in the relationship you don't have to stay.

Stay, don't stay, but do it because it's what you want to do.

Your friend,

thislonelygirl

when he does this again plain and simple say sorry have plans because right now he thinks hey....shes at my beck and call and youll just jump when he says jump.DONT. even if you really dont have plans...make them up. if hes smart like you say he is hell catch on that if he wants to see you then he needs to stick to plans and not stand you up for a ridiculous reason like seeing someone else.