Panda13

It feels crazy to keep reading story after story, advice after advice seeing as though how new I am to this Forum. (It's like my new facebook) Collecting as much information as I can and learning about how to get on with my life without the person I thought I was going to marry and have a life with, seems impossible.

I know that everything will get better with time and help, but when will I know that I'm truly ok? Moving on from a 4 1/2 year relationship while still loving that person, is hope, prayer, and therapy ever enough? Is it wrong of me to check to see if he's ok?

I know that the best thing to do was to start taking care of myself and I'm starting to do that. I just want for him to be ok and well and I hope that he wants to be sober. Will I ever be truly ok with hope, prayer, and therapy?

Any input is appreciated.

pacificsunrise

hello Panda13,

i myself was in your shoes few months back or at least in a similar situation. 9 months ago i have left w/ the kids due to my husband's cocaine use. it was difficult at first, as i doubted my decision, second guessed myself a lot, etc., but i stuck it out and waited it out to see if there will be any changes.

at first, i often wondered about him, his state of mind, whether he was ok, was he still using, etc. after some time (of no results) i have started shifting the focus from him to me and decided that i have to take care of me and the kids and that i cannot change what he is doing and constantly fretting about it is really pointless. now, after 9 months, i am feeling much better. now i find myself rationally thinking about him and evaluating his actions instead of just jumping and clinging to everything that was about him.

i guess in short, i wanted to answer your question, that yes it does get better. in time however. also it does require some work. i often go by that saying, "as long as we are doing the same thing, we can expect to get the same results". i have found great support here at SR and hope that you stick around.

as far as your question about staying in touch with him and checking on him, you can probably determine that by the way of how it affects you. for the majority, it is hard to detach, when we are still in the middle of it all. for me, it took me a long time of not returning his calls or texts (still don't really respond to him), but now, every once in while when i do talk to him, i find it easier to put the conversation behind me and not let it influence my actions for that day or however long. i can go on about my day and not worry about the things that he said or did not say, etc.

good luck to you and stay strong. time will help in answering your questions.
hugs and prayers to you. keep posting.

LifeRecovery

I had a five year marriage and seven year relationship end, in part due to substance use (alcohol).

It is not easy, but it gets easier....with Al-anon, reading, therapy and support.

I am not yet grateful for the lessons, but I am grateful for what I have learned from them.

Welcome, you are in the right place.

hope2be

Hello Panda,

I too was married to an addict for 19 yrs before he died @ 42. Then, I dealt with my adult children who became very dysfunctional with myself in the middle, probably more dysfunctional than all of them put together. I am climbing out of the abyss, but this is what seems to work for me:

You are taking the right steps. I read daily because when we live in all this dysfunction, our minds get sort of highjacked, else we would have stopped this madness the first time around.

I try to go to a peaceful place daily....a green pasture with a rolling stream nearby. This is where I can let go for only a little while and regroup.

I attend CODA meetings and began seeing a therapist.

All I know is, I want to control to make the pain go away. It never, ever, works! I'm living proof. It is only when I focus on my recovery that the fog gets lifted. It's still sad at times, but the insanity ends with acceptance (not an easy thing for me, as a controller).

Hope this helps,
Huggs