PixieGirl

I am having a hard time trusting my perceptions of things because I go through approximately a gazillion emotions throughout the day. My mother-in-law sends me a msg on FB, I feel like she's trying to put guilt on me, but maybe it's my own feelings of guilt I'm dealing with.

She wants to know if me and/or my 2 year old son will be joining them for Xmas. She said: "My christmas would mean absolutely nothing without (my grandson) here to share it" I got so mad when I first read it! (I was already feeling angry and depressed after going shopping and hearing annoying Xmas music!) Like she is somehow making this all about her? I mean, how does she think I am feeling now??! Gah!

And then she says "I guess this is a hard time for all of us" Ummmm.....yeah. But you know, maybe it's a LITTLE harder for me having had to live with her alcoholic son for 10 years and making this huge decision for the betterment of myself and son.

Grrrr...I admit I'm angry and perhaps that's a stage I have to go through. I have not responded to her message because I don't know if I would be able to say anything very nicely right now. I do feel like she's partly to blame for AH's problems because she left him as a kid with his AF. But, have to remind myself not to blame, no one made my AH drink but him.

I just want to hide under the covers forever! Or at least until 2012.

laurie6781

First you are NOT overreacting. Her message just shows you how ingrained MANIPULATION is, in that family.

Second, you do NOT have to respond. It is not your problem that she will not see her grandbaby.

Third, keep posting here and venting.

Of course your emotions are ALL over the place. Just as with the A in recovery, it takes us codies a while to 're-align' our worlds, to 'adjust' our feelings, and to 'learn' how to deal with our own emotions.

Please remember we are walking with you in spirit!!!!

Love and hugs,

m1k3

Pixie, I just have one little thought. Everybody gets told here some time or another that you didn't cause is, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Just remember it's true for them also.

Your friend,

seekerofsanity

I deal with a similarly manipulative MIL, and honestly I'm not looking forward to how it will escalate after I make the move. I'm sorry you have to deal with this right now. I understand where she/they are coming from as a grandma wanting to see her grandchild (and I can't remember if I read what your situation is) but as everyone has said to me, you have to think about what is best for you and your child, and if that means not putting yourself in a situation that will make things worse or being around a certain person, so be it. I've found posting here was a big relief for me so I don't think you need to apologize for venting, it's very helpful as part of a healing method.

BlueMoon

to answer your question -
NO! IMHO, you are most certainly NOT over-reacting!!!

****{many, many hugs to you + your little one!)))

Blue

NYCDoglvr

No is a complete sentence, you don't have to elaborate with her. A good response is "sorry, this year we are unable to attend." Otherwise you can be pulled back in to the argument. You have told her how you feel and that must suffice. How she feels is her problem.

Meggy

you are not being unreasonable here, your MIL sounds like she is scared and is clinging onto you but this is your journey, not hers, and you need to do what is right for you and your child.

dollydo

Have nothing to add to the other posters, they covered it all.

Sending hugs and support your way.

Tuffgirl

I am going to play devil's advocate here. Manipulation and approach aside, and not knowing the full extent of the relationship, I would ask if there is any way you could encourage her to spend time with her grandson on terms that are most comfortable to you? I think the final comment - things being hard on everyone - is very true. And I know people manipulate each other all the time...heck I am guilty of it myself...without even realizing that's what we are doing nor is that our intention. Just food for thought...

akrasia

[clearing throat] "Meeeememememe mememe MEEE!" [singing]

She can get a life.

Notice how she's not asking how you are, or whether there's anything she can do to help, or anything about anyone else.

Your son's a human being and she's acting as though he's a cuddly toy someone's depriving her of. You have every right in the world to take steps to preserve your strength and provide stability for him. That's in his best interests.

If she wants to invite you over, she's free to do so, and you're free to send regrets. But to act as though you owe her something? To whine about how "her" Christmas would be ruined if you don't do as she says? Hahaha. That doesn't merit a response at all.

She can go through her son if she wants to arrange visits with her grandson. And if she's that desperate to share her Christmasy feelings with her grandson, she has your address and can send a card or a gift.

No need to be friends on facebook at all with her. One of the fringe benefits of divorce is--POOF!--no obligations to ILs! See ya!

nodaybut2day

Feel free to tell her to get herself a *tiny* violin...so she can play her sad sad tune:

Milly39

You are not over-racting one bit. Your MIL sounds like mine. It always has to be about HER.
In a similar siutation to you - AH left mid november and it tough especially with Christmas upon us.
Do what feels right for you and your boy. Dont put youself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, just for her sake.
You 2 are the most important.
Take care
M.

lillamy

Is your AH going to be there?
If so, she's delusional.

Morning Glory

I have 2 grandchildren from my son who is an alcoholic.

The children's safety comes first. I sent my granddaughter and her mother out of state to safety when she was an infant 14 years ago and just spent time with her finally this year. I'm unable to see my grandson who is only 3 years old because he had to move out of state due to my son's addiction. It hurts me a lot, but I would never invite my grandchildren over to be around my son when he is active in his addiction. I will not allow my son to be around me when he is drinking. He just went on a binge and I will not be seeing him this Christmas.

This will be my first Christmas with my granddaughter after 14 years.
Your MIL will survive it just fine without you.

PixieGirl

Thank you so much everyone, it helps to get other's perspectives especially when I'm feeling so emotional and sensitive. The more I learn about emotional manipulation and related areas, the more I can see how it runs in his family! I never responded to her and instead worked out a plan with STBXAH (who SAYS he's done with licquor but I've heard that before) Either way, I won't be attending but I decided to let my little guy be with them, I will drop him off and pick him up. I'm determined to work on not letting people walk all over me and abuse my caring nature in future. At the same time, I know how much they love him so I'm always fighting against the guilt, feeling like the bad guy.
On another note I went to an alanon meeting and everyone was so warm and welcoming! I felt more peaceful afterwards and will be going back.

TiredandSpent

Most 2 year old's don't need a job. And having the job of making Granny's Christmas 'meaningful' is kind of a lot for a little kid. I don't blame you for getting your hackles up; your the momma bear and someone is trying to put a burden on your little one's shoulders. Your instinct is telling you something's wrong with this dynamic. In my book, you are not over reacting.