munchkin05

Okay so met with my therapist today. Completely outed myself which I feel is awesome but here is my quandary.
My Dad wants my late stage alcoholic Mom who is currently in denial to come visit me and my son.
I've already told him that I'd like to put it off for a bit because I'm seeing a therapist and I have "issues" to deal with but I haven't actually come clean with him and admitted all the details.
So my question is, should I come clean with him so I can get him to fully understand why my Mom should not visit for a long while or should I just leave it at the "issues" bit??

Whatdya think?

ovrock

You have no choice. That's the way I see it.

SoCalDude

Agreed, I think you have no choice. Might as well continue the 'come clean' train.. it makes it easier for people to understand and accept.

I'm going to see my psych/therapist tonight for the first time, too...

munchkin05

Well I think I'll tell him but I think I'm going to hold off for a few days. Today has been an emotional roller coaster full of lots of crying and laughing, sometimes together. My God what a day. I think I need a Zen moment or two.

smacked

Or you could be honest and let him and her know that you don't welcome active alcoholics in your home..at least thats what I would do.

wpainterw

What does your therapist advise about this issue? Can your dad keep a confidence? Would he understand the issues you would disclose to him? If not it might be wise to play a delaying game and disclose only with care and moderation. You are right in wanting to postpone your mom's visit.

W.

Dee74

Hi Munchkin

Only you know your own family dynamics. Your dad already knows you want to put it off - what else you say is really your call.

I will say tho - revealing our stories doesn't always lead to understanding. I told my parents, and they still don't understand, lol.

D

munchkin05

Well hard to say really how my Dad would take it Dee.
First, he has admitted to me he's pretty worried about my Mom's drinking and he admits it's WAAAYY to much. But he doesn't seem to know what to do about it.
Next, his best bud from his Navy days is a RA of several years and his best bud makes it well known to my Dad, Mom and me(now a days I would love to chit chat with him but since Mom & Dad moved that ain't happen) so he might actually be very understanding. Still though, all said, I plan to talk to my therapist again next week as well as the ASAP counselor soon to not only talk about me but some of the issues about my Mom (which was a very sore spot to talk about today. Really hurts me to talk about her)
to all of your for responses!

Itchy

On edit: You posted while I was composing, take it as before your post since you already made good decisions.


Dee I have to say that even though they don't always understand, letting parents know with situations like she is dealing with is always the right thing to do for me. Here is why that is right for me but maybe not another.

If they know that you have ground rules about drinking, and not having drinkers in your house then the rules of engagement can be laid out. They have to respect those rules whether they like or understand them or not.

Something I learned years ago. That many people use emotional blackmail to get their way with others. They threaten and do act out dislike for others that they can influence that way. They try to teach us to walk on eggshells around them and many do learn that life of co-dependency and emotional abuse.

I learned that as long as I succumbed to that blackmail I was looked down on by the perpetrator. No respect.

Yet the very premise of that blackmail is the "I won't like you or I will get angry and blow up if you don't do what I want you to!"

So if I keep the peace and become an appeaser, they disrespect me and don't like me.

If I demand they respect me by telling them so with no aggression as they show, well they have no power.

But "like" can and does come from respect. Never disrespect. Given a choice between "like" and respect, I will choose respect every time.

Munchkin, your sobriety is paramount, your parents can get on board and support you or not. At least give Dad that chance once. It may not be pretty, but you must have your own space. You mom's alcoholism is not your responsibility.

Setting the boundaries here will create a dialog in the family, together or apart. Be nice, be firm. He has a cross to bear, certainly. I would hope he would be thrilled to find you are sober now too.

Regardless, you need the space. Send them a video or have them send you one. I didn't say reject them or your Mom, that would be bad for all.

Just ask for what you need and want, and let them answer.

munchkin05

Thanks for all the input Itchy.(and everyone else as well)
Thankfully my Dad and I have always had a rather honest relationship. That being said it was just as of recently that my Dad and I recognized the "elephant in the room" with my Mom. They actually moved because Dad was depressed and he was hoping the "change of scenery" would do my Mom good and help her stop drinking. I learned long ago that this is a strategy doomed to failure without the addicted(happened to me) actually recognizing that they have a problem (which of course my Mom hasn't).
I am hoping to email my Dad tomorrow from work just to see how it goes with my Mom and has he thought about telling her to think about treatment. From that I'll lead (at home as I would never compose an email like that at work!) up to telling him, that is after I also speak to my therapist.

Itchy

Sounds like a plan. I think you are about to open up a lot of long needed dialog. Talk it over with your therapist and go slow.

Anna

For me, I would do what worked for me, right now. You are in early recovery and I had to put myself before the 'shoulds' in my life, in order to get well. I didn't tell people when I stopped drinking, because I felt very vulnerable and I was afraid that the wrong word from someone, would be upsetting. Sometimes people mean well, but say the wrong thing. Sometimes we expect understanding and we don't get it.

MentalLoop

As you point out Munchkin, your dad already knows. I find this perspective helps me in dealing with my parents. Think about your son. You never want any harm to come to him, physically or emotionally. A ridiculous analogy: if you could take away the slightest bit of harm from your son's emotions by drinking, cutting off your arm, or whatever, you would do it without blinking - because there is nothing more precious to you than him. If this is true (which i'm sure it is), then there is no reason to believe that your father is any different with his son. You are in a position of harm right now, and your mom's presence will make that worse. His natural instinct should / will be to protect you from what he already knows. Frankly, my best guess is that sharing with him will result in 2 things - a) an overwhelming desire for him to help you so as not to let the same thing happen to you that happened to your mom, and b) a renewed focus by him to help our mom deal with her issues because it has impacted his son. By the way, i'm not saying your mom caused your issues, but he may draw the correlation.

Follow your path and therapy because it sounds like you have a good solid plan. But, IMO, i think you can't go wrong by sharing with him, and i think you will get liberation beyond your wildest expectations.