Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: chicago
Posts: 3
Scared
It was hard for me to do this, to even sign up. I know I have a substance abuse problem, and right now, I'm an addict.
I started using around this time last year, and since then, I've been through hell and back. The first thing I ever used was DXM. I liked how it felt like an alternative to alcohol, but as it progressed, it turned into an entirely different beast. After a few months of extreme daily usage I added Adderall to the mix. I always felt like i didnt feel the effects, but I know I did. Once again, as with the DXM, I took heavy regular doses daily (think the 400~ mg range). After a few months of this, along with the DXM, I finally OD'd and had a seizure on a train platform. I wokeup in the ICU vomiting blood. Even this wasn't enough to deter me, I planned my relapse before I got out of the hospital. I did adderall a few times after that, but i was able to stop. I had 4 more seizures from DXM over the next months and was sent to 2 psychiatric wards because of my schizophrenic behavior (at the time i was washing my hair in a toilet and aggressively threatening a man smoking a cigarette because i thought i had noticed a concealed weapon and was determined to disarm him)
I stopped the DXM because, quite simply, it wasnt doing anything anymore. I feel i had developed a mental tolerance to the strange world it put me in, the world i loved. The withdrawal was hard from that, as it was psychological and i suffer from anxiety, especially when it comes to these things. Long story short, DXM isn't a problem and shouldn't be anymore, considering I've forgotten what it feels like and have absolutely no desire to ever go back to that place again.
Well, maybe 2 months ago, I started using synthetic cannabinoids. I had used them on and off with my friend for the past year, but I never even enjoyed the feeling and would have it maybe once a week. I can say honestly that it wasnt a problem at that time. The problem was, as its been in the past, when I started using by myself to explore the full possibilities of the drug. I found that large amounts would take me to another place, another state of mind, different than DXM though. I found that after heavy use, the effects would wear off and not last more than 5 minutes. When this happened, i tried quitting, to find that I was going through both horrible physical and mental withdrawal. I'm 18, so i still live at home, and, with my mom's help, I was able to stay clean and fight the symptoms. It was really just her understanding that helped me. Well then, a week later, I relapsed. The psychological torment was too much for me. Now, here I am, addicted again, just as much as I was before. I just smoked an amount that I would consider ridiculously large, possibly even fatal even with my tolerance, and it wore off in 10 minutes. I had decided earlier that this was going to be my last smoke and it was extremely disappointing. I couldn't be happier that it was. It really showed me that I've been living my life for this and nothing else. I've been making excuses not to go with friends or my girlfriend so i could have it, I've been planning my day around it. I just need it not to feel sick. I cant sleep without it, I've struggled with insomnia for years and nothings ever worked.
I guess there's four points that I'm going to make so that responding won't be difficult, seeing as how I've written a lot.
1. I'm scared of my mom finding out again. She was so happy for me when I was clean and I feel like it'd hurt her too much if she were to find out again. It seems now that I have enough willpower, but I doubt I will.
2. I don't like myself off drugs, as well as on. Usually when I'm on something, I'll say something which I wouldn't normally say. Though when I'm clean, I find myself saying the same things anyway. A big problem was that I was acting differently on drugs, but when I'm off them I hate myself just as much as I do when I'm on them.
3. I don't know how I can handle sober living. The thought is scary. The thought of not having something to look forward to when I get home, the thought of being awake all night, the thought of...sobriety. I have no escape from my troubles.
I just don't know what to do. I'm just scared. I'm scared of what I've become and if these cravings will ever go away.
I started using around this time last year, and since then, I've been through hell and back. The first thing I ever used was DXM. I liked how it felt like an alternative to alcohol, but as it progressed, it turned into an entirely different beast. After a few months of extreme daily usage I added Adderall to the mix. I always felt like i didnt feel the effects, but I know I did. Once again, as with the DXM, I took heavy regular doses daily (think the 400~ mg range). After a few months of this, along with the DXM, I finally OD'd and had a seizure on a train platform. I wokeup in the ICU vomiting blood. Even this wasn't enough to deter me, I planned my relapse before I got out of the hospital. I did adderall a few times after that, but i was able to stop. I had 4 more seizures from DXM over the next months and was sent to 2 psychiatric wards because of my schizophrenic behavior (at the time i was washing my hair in a toilet and aggressively threatening a man smoking a cigarette because i thought i had noticed a concealed weapon and was determined to disarm him)
I stopped the DXM because, quite simply, it wasnt doing anything anymore. I feel i had developed a mental tolerance to the strange world it put me in, the world i loved. The withdrawal was hard from that, as it was psychological and i suffer from anxiety, especially when it comes to these things. Long story short, DXM isn't a problem and shouldn't be anymore, considering I've forgotten what it feels like and have absolutely no desire to ever go back to that place again.
Well, maybe 2 months ago, I started using synthetic cannabinoids. I had used them on and off with my friend for the past year, but I never even enjoyed the feeling and would have it maybe once a week. I can say honestly that it wasnt a problem at that time. The problem was, as its been in the past, when I started using by myself to explore the full possibilities of the drug. I found that large amounts would take me to another place, another state of mind, different than DXM though. I found that after heavy use, the effects would wear off and not last more than 5 minutes. When this happened, i tried quitting, to find that I was going through both horrible physical and mental withdrawal. I'm 18, so i still live at home, and, with my mom's help, I was able to stay clean and fight the symptoms. It was really just her understanding that helped me. Well then, a week later, I relapsed. The psychological torment was too much for me. Now, here I am, addicted again, just as much as I was before. I just smoked an amount that I would consider ridiculously large, possibly even fatal even with my tolerance, and it wore off in 10 minutes. I had decided earlier that this was going to be my last smoke and it was extremely disappointing. I couldn't be happier that it was. It really showed me that I've been living my life for this and nothing else. I've been making excuses not to go with friends or my girlfriend so i could have it, I've been planning my day around it. I just need it not to feel sick. I cant sleep without it, I've struggled with insomnia for years and nothings ever worked.
I guess there's four points that I'm going to make so that responding won't be difficult, seeing as how I've written a lot.
1. I'm scared of my mom finding out again. She was so happy for me when I was clean and I feel like it'd hurt her too much if she were to find out again. It seems now that I have enough willpower, but I doubt I will.
2. I don't like myself off drugs, as well as on. Usually when I'm on something, I'll say something which I wouldn't normally say. Though when I'm clean, I find myself saying the same things anyway. A big problem was that I was acting differently on drugs, but when I'm off them I hate myself just as much as I do when I'm on them.
3. I don't know how I can handle sober living. The thought is scary. The thought of not having something to look forward to when I get home, the thought of being awake all night, the thought of...sobriety. I have no escape from my troubles.
I just don't know what to do. I'm just scared. I'm scared of what I've become and if these cravings will ever go away.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 153
Hi fischer,
Welcome.
I can clearly see that you are in a lot of pain (perhaps not physically), and scared.
My addiction of choice until not all that long ago was alcohol, and I have to confess that I know absolutely nothing about the drugs you mention. I am sure someone with more knowledge will reply to you.
But what I want to say is this. I think it would be wise to talk to a professional, either your Dr., or an addiction counselor asap. I may be wrong, but it sounds as though you are stuck, and would really benefit from advice, help and support. I don't know if you want to start by talking to your Mom, or speak to a professional first, but the sooner you take that step, the better.
I know it sounds far-fetched right now, but I believe that you will have a happy and healthy future ahead of you, if you quit using. You are young. Make changes now, don't allow yourself to sink even further into the morass of drug use.
Wishing you luck, fischer. Please keep us posted.
Welcome.
I can clearly see that you are in a lot of pain (perhaps not physically), and scared.
My addiction of choice until not all that long ago was alcohol, and I have to confess that I know absolutely nothing about the drugs you mention. I am sure someone with more knowledge will reply to you.
But what I want to say is this. I think it would be wise to talk to a professional, either your Dr., or an addiction counselor asap. I may be wrong, but it sounds as though you are stuck, and would really benefit from advice, help and support. I don't know if you want to start by talking to your Mom, or speak to a professional first, but the sooner you take that step, the better.
I know it sounds far-fetched right now, but I believe that you will have a happy and healthy future ahead of you, if you quit using. You are young. Make changes now, don't allow yourself to sink even further into the morass of drug use.
Wishing you luck, fischer. Please keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: chicago
Posts: 3
Thank you, Frankie. I believe you are right, I know that passing this is possible and entirely within my bounds. I'd say the worst part is the insomnia and general perpetual anxiety that's caused by the insomnia and withdrawal. I think if I keep the anxiety managed and keep my mind off of it then the physical symptoms will be manageable. I'm staying up all night tonight, seeing as how I have work at 8 AM and its 11:33 PM where I am now. Hopefully I'll be able to get home and pass out from exhaustion
lets see
lets see
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Welcome fischer. I hope reading and posting here help. I like Frankie's idea of an addiction counselor or doctor. It seems like more support would help. If money is an issue, look for low-fee clinics or counselors who offer sliding scale fees.
www.psychologytoday.com has an online listing of therapists (not everyone listed will have specialty in addiction recovery).
Keep posting!
www.psychologytoday.com has an online listing of therapists (not everyone listed will have specialty in addiction recovery).
Keep posting!
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