Hurt & Confused

Old 12-19-2011, 07:32 PM
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Hurt & Confused

I was an enabling husband to an alchoholic for last three years (we have been married for 12). On October 12th she totaled my truck after a liquid lunch and admitted herself into a rehab clinic for their 28 day inpatient program. After just a week and a half she was going to Saturday meetings at 8 PM and not coming home until 3 AM. She stopped communicating her where abouts after 11 PM. The first time I stayed up and when she got home she did not have even the slightest scent of alchohol on her breath. She was at roommate from rehabs parents house (the girl is just 19 and is recovering at her parents home). We talked about better communication, she apologized and said she would try to not do it again. The very next Saturday she did exactly the same thing. This time, upset, I did not talk to her about it until Monday afternoon. She quickly took a stance saying that I was too controlling and that she need to be an independant woman and needed to be around her sober friends. (This is ironic since I rarely drink and never do drugs) She immediately went from seeming happy with our marraige and our family (we have two children, ages 5 & 7) to quitting on us in a heart beat. I asked her to slow down and rationalize and I asked her if marraige counciling was an option and she said no way. She is "finding her true me" and is unhappy and says she needs to be happy. Her three friends from rehab have consumed all off her time now. She wants me to move out and is being very pushy about it even though I have no transportation due to the fact that she totaled my truck. Her mother has tried to talk sense into her as well, but she will not budge. We went from a happy couple to this in less than a two day spen. Is this common behavior from someone readjusting? I am so lost and confused. My heart is broken and my 7 year old is sensing it and has become hurt. Please, any help would be great.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:04 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear of your hurt. I experienced this shocking situation as well..in September. It is so very hard to comprehend. BUT...starting Al Anon right away helped me keep my sanity. I also went into therapy myself to deal with the grief. Then I found SR...and there is what seems like a thousand years of wisdom in this forum. I've learned it's unrealistic to expect rational behavior or rational decisions from an alcoholic. I read "Under the Influence" and learned about the physical changes to their brains...preventing them from thinking or behaving in a rational manner. I learned that having a wonderful life, a beautiful home and a loving relationship could not compete with his addiction. The very moment I asked him to choose our life or drinking, he made his decision so quickly...that it took my breath away. Starting a recovery process myself was the only way I could survive this.

You have the additional hurt of small children. Dealing with your own broken heart and theirs too. It must feel unbearable to you.

I hope you can find your way to Al Anon, there is a loving supportive group somewhere near you. Perhaps you'll spend some time reading here, and perhaps you can get some help from real people. (family or friends near you>) The destruction of alcoholism is much more than many of us can bear alone.

Big hug to you.....my heart goes out to you and your children.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:14 PM
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Thanks for your compasion. I am so confused because I do truly believe she is currently sober. It came out of nowhere and just was a shock to the system. I know that her friends from rehab are both reovering narcotic users (one cocaine, the other heroin). I don't believe she has replaced the alchohol with another substance. I really just can't understand what she's thinking and think it has something to do with the recovery process and/or readjusting to the real world after being secluded to relationships with other users for a month. I have no idea and not sure I ever will.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:26 PM
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I understand how confusing it feels. My husband was sober 13 years, but had secretly relapsed this year...but I could not spot the symptoms. Until I found the alcholol. My sponsor said something very very wise: "pay NO attention to what they say...pay CAREFUL attention to what they DO" Sage advice!

You'll never know what goes through someone else's mind(and particularly an alcoholic)...and you have absolutely no control. The only option any of us have is to try to save ourselves...and in your case, your tiny children. We will drive ourselves positively insane trying to figure out why they do what they do. There is only one course of action that is rational: figure out how to help yourself and your children. There isn't anything else at all you can do.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:49 PM
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jwl3kl, welcome to you, so sorry for what you are going through, I don't have any experience with this but if you search through the older threads this topic has been discussed in the last 30 days or so.

If you need to vent or talk please don't hesitate, i will be glad to listen.

Best of luck to you and your children,

Bill
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:26 PM
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Hi and . I am sorry you are going through this. I also strongly suggest Al-Anon. I'd like to add that although I am not a lawyer, and I obviously do not know your family or situation intimately, Unless you are in some danger, I advise against moving out, for your children's sake. Know your rights and the law concerning separation and divorce in your state before making any major changes like moving out.

To answer your question whether or not her actions and words have "something to do with the recovery process and/or readjusting to the real world after being secluded to relationships with other users for a month" IMO, No. Dumping your family is not a part of Recovery from alcoholism, and not a part of readjusting from participating in Rehab.
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Old 12-20-2011, 01:50 AM
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Sorry you're going through this.
I don't think her behavior has to mean she's drinking again.
To me, and that is ONLY MY OPINION, if sounds more like she has few things confused about recovery. Like there are some issuses in regard to you and your marriage she'd rather not address, so it is easier for her to create a scenario in which she can not recover with you there, or something along those lines.
They say As are very selfish in early recovery. It sounds to me she is (still) unable to see the damage her drinking has done to you and your marriage, she is not taking that responsibility, she maybe even thinks it is your fault it got this bad for her.
At some point she might figure out the way things really are or not.

I don't think there is much you can do at this point. I can only imagine how hard is all this for you.
I'm sorry.
take care
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Old 12-20-2011, 03:37 AM
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Remember that addiction has a huge element of escape; addicts escape - they use their substance to avoid or obliterate reality, pain, stress, conflict, responsibility.

Many addicts, when their primary substance is removed, quickly latch onto something else - to escape - in an addict-like fashion. Sometimes it's another substance, sometimes it can be other compulsive behaviors such as excessive time at meetings or with certain people. It's another avoidance of life on life's terms in another iteration.

And, it has nothing to do with YOU, and all to do with the addict needing to learn life on life's terms. You, by insisting on normal courtesy, are getting in the way, between her and her latest compulsion, inserting yourself between her and her new iteration of addiction.

CLMI
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Old 12-20-2011, 04:36 AM
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Addicts are known for being impulsive and can flee (leave a relationship) at the drop of a hat. Especially when they feel they are being cornered.

I wouldn't go any where until I consult with an attorney. She is an alcoholic and this is not a healthy enviorment for your children to live in.
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Old 12-20-2011, 06:02 PM
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IMO this is pretty common behavior for someone getting sober. When an A gets sober, they have to make recovery their #1 priority to be able to even BE a wife, mother, friend ANYTHING. But within reason! That doesnt meet she can ignore common courtesy, ie not letting you know she going to be late, where she is etc. Have you ever read "to wives" in the AA book? It's basically explaining that it's totally normal for spouses to feel resentful when their mate transfers their addiction to AA instead of tending to their family in this time. But AA is saving their life.

Her avoid her home life, this has NOTHING to do with you and there is NOTHING to can do to prevent or control how she feels. It's her issue and she has to work it out on her own...

Have you ever read the do and don'ts of Alanon? I love em... they help me keep things in perspective.

* Do forgive
* Do be humble
* Do take it easy — tension is harmful
* Do play — find recreation and hobbies
* Do keep on trying whenever you fail
* Do learn the facts about alcoholism
* Do attend Al-Anon meetings often
* Do pray

DON'T:

* Don't be self-righteous
* Don't try to dominate, nag, scold and complain
* Don't lose your temper
* Don't try to push anyone but yourself
* Don't keep bringing up the past
* Don't keep checking up on the alcoholic
* Don't wallow in self-pity
* Don't make threats you don't intend to carry out
* Don't be over-protective
* Don't be a doormat
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Old 12-22-2011, 03:48 AM
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I am going through a very similar experience. My A bf has been in rehab for 21 days, and because of the holidays is going to be released this weekend, in time to spend the holidays with me...was the pretense. But then his counselor and AA friends thought it would be best if he focuses 110 percent on himself. He joked at first about the fact that he needed to stay at an AA's house for the next 6 months, just to make sure he stays clean. Then I realized with shock that he is serious about taking a break from our relationship and living together, to get his life back on track. He told me to think of it as if he was a soldier, going off to war. He asked me if I could wait for him to figure himself out. Without being in contact for the next 6 months though. I'm at a loss as how to cope with having someone I love, choose to stay sober and start a new life without wanting me to be part of it.
If you are like me, you really want to see your S/O sober and healthy. But you may have thought that you were part of their life and would be part of the recovery? I think when others keep telling us that an alcoholic is a self centered disease, and being sober doesn't change that part of their thinking, we need to listen.
I know that this is as hard for me to face as facing their drunken episodes in ways, because it feels the same. Either way it seems we are losing them.
One way...drinking will eventually kill them though. (In my situation, my bf was very close to death with the last relapse)
And this way...with them walking away to find the real "me" behavior, they are still alive, just choosing to see if they would be better off without us in their lives.
I know it hurts terribly. The sudden feeling of being abandoned after years of being there for them and now having them choose to have new friends and not wanting us, hurts.
In your case of being asked to move out...has to be even worse than how I feel right now.
I'm looking to get into alanon, and using this site to help me keep my own self from falling apart.
My best wishes to you in your struggles. God bless.
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Old 12-22-2011, 09:16 AM
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I've been sober for 20 years and remember how hard it was getting sober. My emotions fluctuated wildly (described it as "24/hour PMS in a full moon), I was very depressed. I was also crazy -- this is what happens when you withdraw from alcohol. It takes a long time for an alcoholic to feel comfortable in his/her skin and you have to be very motivated and work hard to get through the first six months. It's so easy to fantasize about what a newly sober person is like, a jolt when the person is still a mess. Add to this that it takes many people multiple attempts.

I'm also a codie. Al-anon can be a lifesaver, it was for me. The focus must shift to you and your children, taking action to have a healthy home.
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Old 12-22-2011, 11:17 PM
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I thought when my long-time friend and ex-coworker finished his outpatient rehab, that everything would go back to the way it was; he'd come back to work, we'd resume our friendship, etc. Instead, he was asked to resign, and he has gone back and forth between wanting to stay in touch and telling me not to contact him anymore, which is our current status.

Being shut out by a friend hurts so I can only imagine how hard this is for you, jwl, because it's your wife. You are in the right place here at SR, please keep reading and posting, there is much wisdom here for you.
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Old 12-23-2011, 06:33 AM
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I'm currently going through pretty much the same situation with my AW of 20 years (10+ drinking). She is currently trying to get off of alcohol with the help of a councillor. I've come to realise over the last few weeks that she seems to view her life/family/friends as part of the whole addiction package. I fear our marriage will wont survive her battle.

It's really hard to handle the fact that me and the children have endured over a decade of pure hell for her to simply walk away once she feels 'cured'.
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Old 12-27-2011, 03:29 PM
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Thanx to all for sharing their experiences and trying to provide a little bit of insight of what to expext based of of what you have gone through. I am still in awe of how quick this came and am so devestated with the torn family situation. I am now out of the house and trying my best to be as good of a father if not better. Time heals all wounds they say, I think this one will put that saying to the test. Thanx again all.
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Old 12-29-2011, 01:39 PM
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Hi jwl3kl,
I am brand new here and have been reading through so many posts that are so inspiring and helpful. I know your confusion and pain. After almost 7 years of dealing with my addict BF, I had to ask him to leave the home we share. Initially we still had contact, although definitely not healthy communication all the time...I am sick, too. I did not wish to completely discard him from my life. And then I find out that in a few weeks time he is already talking to another female in the program. What a slap in the face. I am not implying that your wife is doing the same, I can just sympathize with all of the sudden being cut off. Although, mine still insists he "loves" me and all the other nonsense. I guess my point, is I have found that what they say and what they are actually doing are 2 different things. I need to get well myself and that is that. I sympathize and hope you make it to an Al Anon meeting. I have gone and I am already feeling better, although I know it is a work in progress. Good luck to you.

Suzanne
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