Help! Strength
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Help! Strength
The Holidays are tough enough, but always made tougher by the drama in my family.
I've got one older brother in rehab/recovery, and another that needs it. "Alex" spent his life smoking pot and rewriting history. He's beautiful, talented and intelligent, but chooses to focus on what he thinks our parents owe him instead of his own abilities. He has told me numerous times that the only reason I've been successful is because people helped me. It makes me crazy! This is a guy with a record of just not showing up at work, then blaming everyone around because he doesn't have the things the rest of us earned.
Last year he got entangled financially with our Dad after I warned him no good ever comes from that. It's just a mechanism of control. "If you choose to ignore my advice, that's fine, but don't speak to me about the situation when it turns out just like I warned." I've made a bunch of mis-steps in that I agreed to listen, tried to help negotiate, etc. The net result is that I get beaten up by both of Alex and Dad, every single time. I think they enjoy fighting and hurting everyone around. They are both WRONG WRONG WRONG but somehow I keep ending up in the middle.
Over Thanksgiving I saw Alex but left when he started ranting and raving about everyone treating him so terribly all his life. Man, maybe some of this stuff happened (who knows!) but he's convinced he's had the worst childhood in the world. He's 44 and has made plenty of his own mistakes with his own child and his position today is of his own making. I just can't co-sign his bs nor can I bear to listen to it all night. He called, apologized, asked me to come back out with him then began the process all over again. He told me he was going to sue Dad. Great. What will come of that is he will lose, and Dad will just make the rest of us more miserable, too. I got angry in a way that I never do, said something pretty ugly to my brother (don't worry, he one-upped me) and we haven't spoken since. He doesn't seem to care about me any more, how I am doing, what's happening in my life. Only wants to use me to complain about Dad. It feels just like it did as a child, when my Dad used me to try and hurt my Mom.
I just got an FB request from Alex, and then a text from someone else asking for my email address and my Dad's so that Alex can send us some information. I replied with my Dad's address, a request that Alex please contact his daughter about whom I am really worried, and also letting them know I'm getting calls from the family member he works for because he's again MIA. (I live 500 miles away, what can I even do?) I said I wasn't involved in any business matters and not interested in receiving any email. No reply and maybe I won't get one.
I'm worried he'll try and replicate older brother's last 6 months. He's been angry that I helped older bro and says I didn't do anything for him. I also am afraid that I know where his money is going and I think it's progressed well beyond pot smoking. He has no bills (or gets other people to pay them) yet he never has a dime.
Thank you for reading. I obviously need to go back to the beginning and admit I can't control any of this.
But WHY? Why am I dealing with so many people with drug issues? It just makes me so sad, anxious and crazy.
I've got one older brother in rehab/recovery, and another that needs it. "Alex" spent his life smoking pot and rewriting history. He's beautiful, talented and intelligent, but chooses to focus on what he thinks our parents owe him instead of his own abilities. He has told me numerous times that the only reason I've been successful is because people helped me. It makes me crazy! This is a guy with a record of just not showing up at work, then blaming everyone around because he doesn't have the things the rest of us earned.
Last year he got entangled financially with our Dad after I warned him no good ever comes from that. It's just a mechanism of control. "If you choose to ignore my advice, that's fine, but don't speak to me about the situation when it turns out just like I warned." I've made a bunch of mis-steps in that I agreed to listen, tried to help negotiate, etc. The net result is that I get beaten up by both of Alex and Dad, every single time. I think they enjoy fighting and hurting everyone around. They are both WRONG WRONG WRONG but somehow I keep ending up in the middle.
Over Thanksgiving I saw Alex but left when he started ranting and raving about everyone treating him so terribly all his life. Man, maybe some of this stuff happened (who knows!) but he's convinced he's had the worst childhood in the world. He's 44 and has made plenty of his own mistakes with his own child and his position today is of his own making. I just can't co-sign his bs nor can I bear to listen to it all night. He called, apologized, asked me to come back out with him then began the process all over again. He told me he was going to sue Dad. Great. What will come of that is he will lose, and Dad will just make the rest of us more miserable, too. I got angry in a way that I never do, said something pretty ugly to my brother (don't worry, he one-upped me) and we haven't spoken since. He doesn't seem to care about me any more, how I am doing, what's happening in my life. Only wants to use me to complain about Dad. It feels just like it did as a child, when my Dad used me to try and hurt my Mom.
I just got an FB request from Alex, and then a text from someone else asking for my email address and my Dad's so that Alex can send us some information. I replied with my Dad's address, a request that Alex please contact his daughter about whom I am really worried, and also letting them know I'm getting calls from the family member he works for because he's again MIA. (I live 500 miles away, what can I even do?) I said I wasn't involved in any business matters and not interested in receiving any email. No reply and maybe I won't get one.
I'm worried he'll try and replicate older brother's last 6 months. He's been angry that I helped older bro and says I didn't do anything for him. I also am afraid that I know where his money is going and I think it's progressed well beyond pot smoking. He has no bills (or gets other people to pay them) yet he never has a dime.
Thank you for reading. I obviously need to go back to the beginning and admit I can't control any of this.
But WHY? Why am I dealing with so many people with drug issues? It just makes me so sad, anxious and crazy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
What might be the outcome if you chose to stay in your own hula- hoop, meaning mind your own business and let the rest of them work out their issues or not. That's the only thing you can control.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hanna, I'm sorry so many people in your life are addicted. It's hard not to get drawn in, but Outtolunch is right, you can't control any of it (and I am guessing you don't really want to.
When chaos and drama is all around me, I prefer to take a giant step back and refuse to get caught in the middle.
It's much more peaceful in my own quiet corner than having a front row seat at the circus.
Hope you find your peace in all this too.
Hugs
When chaos and drama is all around me, I prefer to take a giant step back and refuse to get caught in the middle.
It's much more peaceful in my own quiet corner than having a front row seat at the circus.
Hope you find your peace in all this too.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 29
My family is one hot mess and I haven't talked to any of them since '00 and they're not even addicts. What I've said before and I'll say it again, "The only people who can abuse me are my kids!" I'm kind of kidding..
The only relatives worth my time are the ones who gave me stretch marks. Thanks kids!
I had to either accept them for the abusive, dysfunctional dullards that they are with healthy boundaries or cut them loose. Because I knew that they'd never change and I didn't like to have diarrhea, vomitting and to be curled up in the fetal position for two weeks following Christmas dinner, I removed them completely from my life. It's a big decision that's not meant for everybody, but it helped me tremendously.
The only relatives worth my time are the ones who gave me stretch marks. Thanks kids!
I had to either accept them for the abusive, dysfunctional dullards that they are with healthy boundaries or cut them loose. Because I knew that they'd never change and I didn't like to have diarrhea, vomitting and to be curled up in the fetal position for two weeks following Christmas dinner, I removed them completely from my life. It's a big decision that's not meant for everybody, but it helped me tremendously.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hanna, the good part is you live 500 miles away!!
I agree with the others. Staying out of the chaos is the best medicine. If they choose to live in total chaos all the time, have at it. You have a choice too. Hopefully you will choose not to join them.
The brother that spends his time feeling sorry for himself will never improve until everyone just says "do what you have to do, but be prepared to live with your choices."
You are a good person, and they all know this. Best thing is to just remind everyone you love them, but cannot help them.
Have a great holiday in peace and harmony.
Hugs, Devastated
I agree with the others. Staying out of the chaos is the best medicine. If they choose to live in total chaos all the time, have at it. You have a choice too. Hopefully you will choose not to join them.
The brother that spends his time feeling sorry for himself will never improve until everyone just says "do what you have to do, but be prepared to live with your choices."
You are a good person, and they all know this. Best thing is to just remind everyone you love them, but cannot help them.
Have a great holiday in peace and harmony.
Hugs, Devastated
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Kitten, I made the difficult decision at the beginning of 2011 to distance myself from my family and after the first year I must say my life is peaceful.
Hanna, it sounds like you have done pretty well for yourself despite all the drama. I am sorry you are going through all of this.
Hanna, it sounds like you have done pretty well for yourself despite all the drama. I am sorry you are going through all of this.
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