Alcoholic looking for help for husband

Old 12-19-2011, 09:43 AM
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Alcoholic looking for help for husband

My husband has been patiently by my side while I've been struggling with my drinking. He doesn't know what to do to help, or how he should act. Mostly he acts as if there is nothing wrong---he's a big avoider. If we talk about it he just says he doesn't understand why I can't just stop, or just have one drink and that be enough.

I thought this might be an appropriate place to ask for your advice on how I can help him understand. I am sure I have hurt him in some ways, but he never tells me anything. I don't know if he even realizes it himself.

What would any of you suggest? He would probably read a book if I could get him one, but which one? Any other ideas?

Thank you so much.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:49 AM
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Hi Ellen. I just joined today and have read some of your posts. I, too, have a husband that just doesn't really understand why I can't just limit my drinking. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I just wanted to let you know I, too, have the same concern. I will be interested to see what advice is given.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Ellen36 View Post
If we talk about it he just says he doesn't understand why I can't just stop, or just have one drink and that be enough.
You've probably seen that those of us who aren't alcoholics feel exactly this same way about loved ones who ruin themselves through drink. And the simple answer is, "because alcoholics can't handle alcohol." Some people can't handle dairy, some people can't handle wheat, some people can't handle alcohol.

Who cares why? Why does he need to understand in any deeper way than that? Your struggle with alcohol is your own deal.

All he can do is live his own life and hope you get the help you need. That doesn't make him an "avoider," that makes him a guy trying to hold onto his sanity whilst coping with a difficult situation that he didn't create.

Good luck to you in getting sober.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:09 AM
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It's not like he's a neighbor...needing to go on and live his own life! He's my husband! He loves me and he honestly wants to be supportive. He hasn't gotten to the point---where obviously you and others have gotten---where he resents me and has a ton of anger. As I know, this is a problem that affects the whole family. If I didn't care about him I'd just disregard him and let him live his "own life" while I live mine. Why even be married then?

And I know my husband. He avoids any confrontation with anyone...avoids hurting anyone's feelings even if he is seething inside...avoids all problems. So yes, he is an Avoider.

By the way, he has asked me how he can understand it and help. He didn't say, oh--you have a problem? Let me go live my life while you deal with this issue that I didn't create!!!
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Ellen36 View Post
It's not like he's a neighbor...needing to go on and live his own life! He's my husband! He loves me and he honestly wants to be supportive. He hasn't gotten to the point---where obviously you and others have gotten---where he resents me and has a ton of anger. As I know, this is a problem that affects the whole family. If I didn't care about him I'd just disregard him and let him live his "own life" while I live mine. Why even be married then?

And I know my husband. He avoids any confrontation with anyone...avoids hurting anyone's feelings even if he is seething inside...avoids all problems. So yes, he is an Avoider.

By the way, he has asked me how he can understand it and help. He didn't say, oh--you have a problem? Let me go live my life while you deal with this issue that I didn't create!!!
If he ..."avoids confrontation with anyone... even if he is seething inside..." how can you know he is not to the point where "...he resents [you] and has a ton of anger?"

The damage to others by active alcoholics is often not apparent fully to the alcoholic.

If he has damage from exposure to your alcoholism, Al-anon is a great place for him to learn how to cope. He does not need to support you in any other way than treating you decently as he would any other person. His job is to remain mentally healthy for his own functioning; your job is to see to your own recovery and take responsibility for it.

The best place for a recovering alcoholic to receive support is from OTHER successfully recovering alcoholics; they are the experts, with the experience.

CLMI
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:26 AM
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I would go out and buy him Codependant No More by Melodie Beattie. It's enlightening.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:38 AM
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OK, true--he might resent me and have a ton of anger. I'm sure some of that is in there somewhere. But not all of us drinkers wait 10, 20, 30 years to get sober. I recognized this problem early on and am trying to curtail it before it gets to the point some of you have witnessed in your loved ones.

I'll look up some Al-Anon and co-dependency resources--Thank you for the suggestions.

And also true, I am getting help from recovered alcoholics. I just feel badly for him. I guess I made a mistake in posting on the "friends and family" forum. I'm just a 36-year old mother of 2 who is struggling right now and I want to do the best I can do for my family.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:50 AM
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Ellen-

I don't think you made a mistake posting. However like an addict is responsible for their own recovery, your husband is responsible for his...

That is something I have a hard time knowing sometimes...what is mine and what is someone elses...and when I am being "helpful" or "harmful." Usually my intentions are good.

Al-anon was a HUGE help for me, and after a number of months I actually attended some open AA meetings (to help me learn about the disease). I did not go with my loved one who struggled with addiction....I went to learn, for me.

It took me some serious work to conceptualize alcoholism being a disease, and to come to terms with that....but to also have emotions about my loved one choosing to/not choosing to get help. I had no control over that....which was really hard for me.

Counseling for me was a huge help (both marital and individual....).

I agree with the suggestion of Codependent No More, but also got a lot of support from Al-anon books and honestly reading about alcoholism at the library. I read anything I could get my hands on for awhile about alcoholism and how it impacts all family members.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:52 AM
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Hi Ellen,

Maybe he would like to educate himself about alcoholism? Sometimes when we understand more about the disease, it is useful for us to have compassion for and solid personal boundaries within our relationships with someone who is an alcoholic.

There is a book entitled 'Under the Influence' that seems to have helped many folks on the "family" side of this equation.

Sadly, you will not be able to get him out of his denial any more than he can help you get and stay sober because your recovery is your own.

Good luck as you continue working toward sobriety! Although I can never fully understand the struggle, I can wish you the very best as you move forward.

Best, HG
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:55 AM
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Not sure what kind of recovery you are working but al-anon would be a good place for him to start.

I got a lot out of reading here and reading al-anon literature. Co-Dependent No More, as already mentioned, was also good for me.

I would also describe myself as avoiding confrontation and I am just, in general, terrible at communication in healthy ways but I was certainly affected by my partners alcoholism - and he doesn't see that. He thinks I just woke up one day and flipped my lid and filed for divorce. Not that your husband is going to file for divorce - not at all - it is just hard to imagine being part of an alcoholic relationship and not having 'stuff' of our own to sort through whether that be resentment, trust, emotional exhaustion, whatever. Be open to the thought that he is struggling with his own feelings/recovery right now and may not really be in a place to focus on yours.

Also. I am not an alcoholic. I have read a ton on alcoholism. I know the biology. I get that there is a disease process. Even then I can't begin to wrap my brain around alcoholism on an emotional level. Accepting that you can never drink again would be important but understanding might be a bit much.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:04 AM
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Thank you, all, for your input. I do want to understand what he is going through. I want him to tell me what he thinks...that he is sick of it, tired, hurt, whatever. I don't want to ignore him while I'm working on my sobriety.

I have been reading posts on these forums so I can understand better the side of the non-drinker. I want to be hit in the face with their feelings and what they go through, in general, since my husband won't tell me. I imagine there are similarities regardless. The more I can focus on him and how my kids feel, it fuels my determination to end this for them. I don't want them to be in pain. They are the ones I love most in all the world--and to think I have caused it, well I need to be faced with it.

My husband is way too easy on me. He gets me alcohol when I ask for it. He totally helps me deal with hangovers, etc. I know he shouldn't. That's what I mean about support. Maybe support is the wrong word---boundaries, maybe. I want him to tell me "no."

But you are right, he is responsible for himself. I just wanted to provide him with some tools that might get him going in a healthier direction. I ordered Under the Influence yesterday, so good to know that is a helpful one.

Thanks again for your feedback everyone. I did not mean to invade the space of the families....but your posts of pain make a difference to those of us who cause it.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Ellen36 View Post
My husband has been patiently by my side while I've been struggling with my drinking. He doesn't know what to do to help, or how he should act. Mostly he acts as if there is nothing wrong---he's a big avoider. If we talk about it he just says he doesn't understand why I can't just stop, or just have one drink and that be enough.
Avoidance....or detactment? Really, it's difficult living with an alcoholic. Some of us have no other way of dealing with it other than to detach.

Originally Posted by Ellen36 View Post
I thought this might be an appropriate place to ask for your advice on how I can help him understand. I am sure I have hurt him in some ways, but he never tells me anything. I don't know if he even realizes it himself.

You ask for our advice?? but it could also be interpeted as trying to find a way to control his feelings about your alcoholism.

Originally Posted by Ellen36 View Post
What would any of you suggest? He would probably read a book if I could get him one, but which one? Any other ideas?

Codependant No More is a great book. Al Anon meetings are great as well for support.

Please don't interpet this as being mean or negative. I wish my AH was as concerned about me as you seem to be about your spouse. We don't know your history, how long you've been married or how long you've been drinking...or how bad your drinking is.

Your recovery is YOUR recovery and his recovery is HIS recovery. You need to work your program and if he wants...he can work his program. It's awesome that you want to help him, but you need to focus on yourself and your own recovery first.

Alcohol is a lifetime disease that progresses as the years go on...Be kind to yourself, your husband and your family and friends and never, ever stray from working your program. Hugs!
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Ellen36 View Post

My husband is way too easy on me. He gets me alcohol when I ask for it. He totally helps me deal with hangovers, etc. I know he shouldn't. That's what I mean about support. Maybe support is the wrong word---boundaries, maybe. I want him to tell me "no."

But you are right, he is responsible for himself.
He is doing whatever crazy things he can think of to mimimize the damage to the home life. Perhaps he's going out to get drink so that you don't drive drunk or just go stumbling out whilst vulnerable. Perhaps he's helping you recover from hangovers so that the kids don't have to see mom collapse in the bathroom.

Al-Anon might help him respond differently, in ways that protect his sanity and that of your kids.

But in the meantime you seem to be focusing on what he's doing "wrong" and how it's hindering your recovery. That doesn't help him, or you.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
I'm just a 36-year old mother of 2 who is struggling right now and I want to do the best I can do for my family.

the very best thing YOU can do is get sober and stay sober. YOU make the decision to NOT drink anymore, ever, and then do whatever it takes to back that up. then it won't matter if he doesn't "understand" - you have simply made the choice to NOT drink. period. that also takes the "why can't you just stop?" question off the table.

make your sobriety your priority. and if he chooses, he can follow suit with reading, learning, attending Alanon.
I second this! Everything else can happen later.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:49 AM
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OK. I'll try to just focus on my own issues, which will carry over to solving theirs. I get that. I will give my husband those books to read, if he likes--as well as the Al-anon info.

It was tough for me to read some of your feedback, but I needed it. Sometimes too much coddling going on in the sobriety forums. I needed some directness.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:50 AM
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When I quit drinking the last time I really, really wanted my partner of 10 years to attend alanon and/or counseling because I knew even though I played a huge part in our screwed up relationship, she was exhibiting some behaviors that weren't healthy as well.

She attended at least one alanon meeting that I know of and some counceling but continued to show that same behavior.

I had to leave, for my sanity and sobriety, and heck, hers too.

Honestly, it's the first time I actually but myself first. It was a huge learning experience.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:58 AM
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All I can say is he sounds like my husband was. I realized my problem soon but have struggled for the last two years with it. Well it reached a point now that he wants out. He has had an affair and I had no clue as to how much hurt and resentment he has towards me. He has done his fair share of hurtful things to me. All I can worry about now is me and my actions. No amount of talking can solve things. His choice to take the path he has chosen is his and my path is towards recovery. In a way I wouldn't trade what has happened because I have learned so much about myself and how to be a stronger person. AA really helps if you work it and if you really want to quit drinking. Only you can decide to quit drinking and only you can do the work it requires to stay sober. Just don't wait to long before it is too late.
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Old 12-19-2011, 12:02 PM
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Ellen -- I didn't mean to say you need to leave him. I was just sharing my experience. Hope you didn't take that the wrong way!
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Old 12-19-2011, 12:09 PM
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How are you focusing on your issues? Are you getting treatment for alcoholism?
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Old 12-19-2011, 12:34 PM
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Ellen, go to Amazon and get "Under The Influence", "Beyond The Influence", and "Co Dependent No More.

They are great books for both of you. 'Under' and 'Beyond' will give your H some insight into exactly what YOU are dealing with. 'Co Dependent' will also help both of you NOT to enable each other.

You focus on your own recovery and One Day At A Time your relationship will change.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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