A little more advice please.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 14
A little more advice please.
Thanks for all your help everyone. I have found you to be a great form of support. So he finally returned (quick update, I told my fiance whom I was to marry in 5 months, but who had started drinking since the first time I knew him, that we should pospone the wedding- he disappeared for five days with no phone calls or anything). He called me after I told him mother we had been robbed. Idon't know if Iwould have seen him before Christmas otherwise, thought of course he says he would come home. He says that he stayed away first because he was angry at me, then that he was afraid to face me. He lost his job due to 2 wks of absenteeism.
He is now in the hospital and will be going to rehab. He knows that we might break up over this. I am so angry and so sad. He has trouble tolerating my anger and even said that he didn't know how longhe could tolerate my anger. I don't know if he has what to take to face any of his emotions, let alone any of mine. His coping skills suck which is why he did this in the first place.
My mother says that I should expect this to happen again if i marry him, and I really should break up with him. I am torn, a part of me wants to work it out because he really is a great guy otherwise, a part of me thinks now that it would be really stupid for me to continue to expose myself to this, or even the possibility of it happens again. the other just remembers all the great times we had before this. I just don't trust him, and don't like the emotions this is causing me to have.
And if I do decide to break up with him, should I do it now, while he is in rehab and can really start to recover or should I wait for him to have several weeks of recovery so he would be less likely to drink.
Really a shame. We were so happy and I really wanted to marry him just two weeks ago.
He is now in the hospital and will be going to rehab. He knows that we might break up over this. I am so angry and so sad. He has trouble tolerating my anger and even said that he didn't know how longhe could tolerate my anger. I don't know if he has what to take to face any of his emotions, let alone any of mine. His coping skills suck which is why he did this in the first place.
My mother says that I should expect this to happen again if i marry him, and I really should break up with him. I am torn, a part of me wants to work it out because he really is a great guy otherwise, a part of me thinks now that it would be really stupid for me to continue to expose myself to this, or even the possibility of it happens again. the other just remembers all the great times we had before this. I just don't trust him, and don't like the emotions this is causing me to have.
And if I do decide to break up with him, should I do it now, while he is in rehab and can really start to recover or should I wait for him to have several weeks of recovery so he would be less likely to drink.
Really a shame. We were so happy and I really wanted to marry him just two weeks ago.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 23
I don't have any answers for you Megan, but I will give you the advice I have turned down so often myself. Have you been to Al-anon? If not maybe you should give them a try. There is no rush to make this decision. Marriage is for life so the decision to marry can take a long time and that's ok.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by meganw1972 
- he disappeared for five days with no phone calls or anything).
should I wait for him to have several weeks of recovery so he would be less likely to drink.
should I wait for him to have several weeks of recovery so he would be less likely to drink.
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this
You are not powerful enough to cause him to drink. That is part of the blame shift from the alcoholic. "You are so ___________, I turned to alcohol to cope" - BS!
You were not powerful enough to get him to stop drinking. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable (step 1)
Our love never saved anyone. If we could love them into good health and healthy habit, there would not be a need for this community forum. You are among peers that have tried everything to get our loved one sober. I tried everything to get my AH to embrace sobriety. I became someone I did not recognize or like in the process.
You are wondering when to end the relationship, right? IMHO, I would have felt like he broke up with me after 5 days of no contact. If he just walks back into the relationship without any amends or changes now, that is sending him the message that his unacceptable behavior is acceptable. It sends the message that you can treat me anyway you like and I will take you back, because we do have our good moments. Is that the type of relationship you want?
I hope he embraces recovery as if his life depends upon it, because it really does.
Now is the time to work on your own recovery from this relationship. He is getting professional help. What steps are you going to take to help yourself?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
'He is now in the hospital and will be going to rehab.'
Figure the chance he will be the sucess out of his entire rehab group is about 1 in 40. Lousy odds.
'He has trouble tolerating my anger and even said that he didn't know how long he could tolerate my anger.'
That's a manipulative way to make you responsible for what he does. As if he should be able to screw up and not get any heat from you.
'I don't know if he has what to take to face any of his emotions, let alone any of mine.'
Drinking alcoholics are immature babies. He needs his mama to be very nice no matter what he does. Are you up for that job the rest of your lifetime?
'His coping skills suck which is why he did this in the first place.'
His alcoholism is why he did this in the first place. His coping skills are crippled perhaps fatally and are unlikely to heal. You could cope with life more effectively for him but he'll come to greatly resent you for that.
It's not been too bad at all for you yet. A few years from now you'll be the basket case, not him. He slips the unpleasantness off with a few drinks, stays worry-free and you get all the wrinkles.
Choose wisely for yourself, and try to understand just what you're signing on for if you stay. It's likely to include stupid phone calls from his drunk girlfriends, endless lies, you playing junior detective on occasion, after working long days finding him drunk on the couch during unemployed periods, enduring drunk sex in the middle of the night after you hear him puking his guts out, and always wondering if he's coming back in one piece with the car, and soon hoping he dies out there.
Without an endless supply of people like you, what would people like me do? We might actually have to stay sober.
Figure the chance he will be the sucess out of his entire rehab group is about 1 in 40. Lousy odds.
'He has trouble tolerating my anger and even said that he didn't know how long he could tolerate my anger.'
That's a manipulative way to make you responsible for what he does. As if he should be able to screw up and not get any heat from you.
'I don't know if he has what to take to face any of his emotions, let alone any of mine.'
Drinking alcoholics are immature babies. He needs his mama to be very nice no matter what he does. Are you up for that job the rest of your lifetime?
'His coping skills suck which is why he did this in the first place.'
His alcoholism is why he did this in the first place. His coping skills are crippled perhaps fatally and are unlikely to heal. You could cope with life more effectively for him but he'll come to greatly resent you for that.
It's not been too bad at all for you yet. A few years from now you'll be the basket case, not him. He slips the unpleasantness off with a few drinks, stays worry-free and you get all the wrinkles.
Choose wisely for yourself, and try to understand just what you're signing on for if you stay. It's likely to include stupid phone calls from his drunk girlfriends, endless lies, you playing junior detective on occasion, after working long days finding him drunk on the couch during unemployed periods, enduring drunk sex in the middle of the night after you hear him puking his guts out, and always wondering if he's coming back in one piece with the car, and soon hoping he dies out there.
Without an endless supply of people like you, what would people like me do? We might actually have to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
langkah said, "It's not been too bad at all for you yet. A few years from now you'll be the basket case, not him. He slips the unpleasantness off with a few drinks, stays worry-free and you get all the wrinkles.
Choose wisely for yourself, and try to understand just what you're signing on for if you stay. It's likely to include stupid phone calls from his drunk girlfriends, endless lies, you playing junior detective on occasion, after working long days finding him drunk on the couch during unemployed periods, enduring drunk sex in the middle of the night after you hear him puking his guts out, and always wondering if he's coming back in one piece with the car, and soon hoping he dies out there.
Without an endless supply of people like you, what would people like me do? We might actually have to stay sober."
If I had only heeded that advice. WOW.
Thank you, langkah. That.is.brilliant. And painfully true.
Hugs to you, meganw1972. What langkah said is abso-stinkin-lutely TRUE. In my experience the good/wonderful aspects of the alcoholic soon fade, and what's left is a smaller and less frequent occurrence of the "good/wonderful" until it was nonexistent. It was hell but I sure learned my lesson, am making MUCH better choices because I don't want to ever feel that kind of pain again, and I love living my life for ME.
One other note: I was in a dating relationship with an alcoholic after my marriage ended, but now I see that my exH acts much the same way, even though he doesn't drink much (last I knew). Regardless, his "true colors" showed long before we had kids, and now I'm dealing with a legal mess because he blames me for all kinds of things and continues to try to make my life difficult. It's a tough road. And looking back, I could have avoided it if only I had listened to the people who were telling me what I didn't want to hear...
Wishing you peace, and keep coming back!
posie
Choose wisely for yourself, and try to understand just what you're signing on for if you stay. It's likely to include stupid phone calls from his drunk girlfriends, endless lies, you playing junior detective on occasion, after working long days finding him drunk on the couch during unemployed periods, enduring drunk sex in the middle of the night after you hear him puking his guts out, and always wondering if he's coming back in one piece with the car, and soon hoping he dies out there.
Without an endless supply of people like you, what would people like me do? We might actually have to stay sober."
If I had only heeded that advice. WOW.
Thank you, langkah. That.is.brilliant. And painfully true.
Hugs to you, meganw1972. What langkah said is abso-stinkin-lutely TRUE. In my experience the good/wonderful aspects of the alcoholic soon fade, and what's left is a smaller and less frequent occurrence of the "good/wonderful" until it was nonexistent. It was hell but I sure learned my lesson, am making MUCH better choices because I don't want to ever feel that kind of pain again, and I love living my life for ME.
One other note: I was in a dating relationship with an alcoholic after my marriage ended, but now I see that my exH acts much the same way, even though he doesn't drink much (last I knew). Regardless, his "true colors" showed long before we had kids, and now I'm dealing with a legal mess because he blames me for all kinds of things and continues to try to make my life difficult. It's a tough road. And looking back, I could have avoided it if only I had listened to the people who were telling me what I didn't want to hear...
Wishing you peace, and keep coming back!
posie
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Based on my experience of being married 36 years to an alcoholic my advice is to RUN AWAY.
My AW was very functional the 1st 20 years of our marriage and then it went down hill fast. Rehabs, emergency rooms, broken promises, finding her passed out nearly or completely naked anywhere in the house. Detox multiple times, her switching from booze to Ambien for several years (btw, that one fooled me, I actually thought she was doing better) back to booze with the Ambien. Finally I got to the point it hurt more to stay than it did to leave so I left. I've been gone now 9 months. Yeah, there were some low times but it was well worth it.
This site and Al-anon were life savers for me and I mean that literally. I figured out that there was a huge hole in me that I was trying to fill with her. Didn't work worth a darn.
Now that I am working a program and having regained my sanity I am now filling that hole with me and it's working. In my case my addiction to my AW was because of self esteem issues, in other words I didn't have any. I now have a healthy relationship with myself and life is good.
Your friend,
My AW was very functional the 1st 20 years of our marriage and then it went down hill fast. Rehabs, emergency rooms, broken promises, finding her passed out nearly or completely naked anywhere in the house. Detox multiple times, her switching from booze to Ambien for several years (btw, that one fooled me, I actually thought she was doing better) back to booze with the Ambien. Finally I got to the point it hurt more to stay than it did to leave so I left. I've been gone now 9 months. Yeah, there were some low times but it was well worth it.
This site and Al-anon were life savers for me and I mean that literally. I figured out that there was a huge hole in me that I was trying to fill with her. Didn't work worth a darn.
Now that I am working a program and having regained my sanity I am now filling that hole with me and it's working. In my case my addiction to my AW was because of self esteem issues, in other words I didn't have any. I now have a healthy relationship with myself and life is good.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by meganw1972
He has trouble tolerating my anger and even said that he didn't know how long he could tolerate my anger.
But seriously, I appreciate that conflicted feeling you describe. But do you know anyone who's said, "Wow, I regret leaving my alcoholic partner. What a terrible mistake that was! He's the one who got away!"
Yet try looking at it this way: he left. He abandoned the relationship. Sure he has stuff at your house but he left. Either move out yourself or put his stuff into storage. You're not leaving him, you're responding to his decision to bail on the relationship.
Who knows? Maybe after six months he'll have shaken off the addiction and will be getting his life together, and you can always marry him then.
But if not, you'll be free.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
In the past, I would become stuck in this relationship you describe, in several ways. I would cherish the past and my memories of it, and LONG FOR those feelings we both had at the beginning. Found out later that was just oxytocin, and you really can't get that "back."
I would focus too much on his words, and completely ignore his actions. Because I wanted to believe he felt the way he said he did. Turns out the way a person feels about me doesn't mean anything at all. Now I know that if a person acts poorly in a relationship with me, no matter how they FEEL, that is very bad for me.
I would feel important and cherished by the person when he showed he cared by contacting me after he learned I'd been robbed, or needed help. I would use that as proof I was worthy of being cherished. What I didn't realize all those years was, I have to cherish myself first, and it helps to recognize that my Higher Power also cherishes me. Only THEN was I able to see clearly how emotionally immature I had been. Cried a lot of tears trying to maintain that old way of thinking.
My advice to you is recognize that this person is an alcoholic and probably has more sicknesses and is doing more sick stuff than you have been made aware of. (There are a lot of sick things that go along with alcoholism and benders). Recognize that if you are having to communicate with him through his mother, this is the kind of relating you can expect to do on a regular basis with him. Recognize that there are A LOT of really nice, dependable, healthy, not-alcoholic men out there but that you have CHOSEN the opposite.
I would focus too much on his words, and completely ignore his actions. Because I wanted to believe he felt the way he said he did. Turns out the way a person feels about me doesn't mean anything at all. Now I know that if a person acts poorly in a relationship with me, no matter how they FEEL, that is very bad for me.
I would feel important and cherished by the person when he showed he cared by contacting me after he learned I'd been robbed, or needed help. I would use that as proof I was worthy of being cherished. What I didn't realize all those years was, I have to cherish myself first, and it helps to recognize that my Higher Power also cherishes me. Only THEN was I able to see clearly how emotionally immature I had been. Cried a lot of tears trying to maintain that old way of thinking.
My advice to you is recognize that this person is an alcoholic and probably has more sicknesses and is doing more sick stuff than you have been made aware of. (There are a lot of sick things that go along with alcoholism and benders). Recognize that if you are having to communicate with him through his mother, this is the kind of relating you can expect to do on a regular basis with him. Recognize that there are A LOT of really nice, dependable, healthy, not-alcoholic men out there but that you have CHOSEN the opposite.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: alaska
Posts: 60
Don't even question yourself, get out now. Leave him in the hospital. I have heard it all, I love you's, I will do this or that. Do not buy into his BS, save yourself today. You do not deserve it. Please listen to us who have gone through this painful experience.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Megan,
My mom has been an alocholic over 40 years (I am 49), it started out with 3 or 4 glassed of wine in the evening, then it got to be more wine earlier in the day, now it is up to 6 bottles of wine a day and starts anytime after noon.
My mom does not share any emotions, she is either sullen or screaming, when she gets into her second bottle she becomes mean and sarcastic, she likes to see how deep she can cut people with her words.
She cannot handle anyones anger either, she crawls further into the bottle when my dad gets mad at her for her drinking.
She has been in the ICU twice in the last 18 months with heart muscle destruction due to drinking. The doctor told her max one glass of wine a day, she called him an idiot.
My dad stayed because he thought he could keep her from drinking herself to death, he is miserable, he cheats on her constantly (she cheated first), if they are awake they
carp at each other, they fight all the time. This was a great way to grow up!
Please think about this before you decide to stay, if you decide to stay please set boundaries and stick to them, individual and joint counseling were a godsend for me.
I wish you the best, please come back often, if you want to talk, or you need a shoulder just let me know.
Bill
My mom has been an alocholic over 40 years (I am 49), it started out with 3 or 4 glassed of wine in the evening, then it got to be more wine earlier in the day, now it is up to 6 bottles of wine a day and starts anytime after noon.
My mom does not share any emotions, she is either sullen or screaming, when she gets into her second bottle she becomes mean and sarcastic, she likes to see how deep she can cut people with her words.
She cannot handle anyones anger either, she crawls further into the bottle when my dad gets mad at her for her drinking.
She has been in the ICU twice in the last 18 months with heart muscle destruction due to drinking. The doctor told her max one glass of wine a day, she called him an idiot.
My dad stayed because he thought he could keep her from drinking herself to death, he is miserable, he cheats on her constantly (she cheated first), if they are awake they
carp at each other, they fight all the time. This was a great way to grow up!
Please think about this before you decide to stay, if you decide to stay please set boundaries and stick to them, individual and joint counseling were a godsend for me.
I wish you the best, please come back often, if you want to talk, or you need a shoulder just let me know.
Bill
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
