Father not an alcoholic, but has traits of one
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Father not an alcoholic, but has traits of one
Manipulative, controlling, immature, narcissistic.
My mom stayed married to him for years and allowed herself to be verbally and emotionally abused. Then he had an affair for 3-4 years and it may still be going on. She kicked him out, took him back several times and is now finally divorcing him for real.
She called me earlier today in a very pumped-up mood. Explaining stuff to me that I feel like I've already known for a very long time. Trying to "correct" me about certain things. I found it slightly insulting. But I didn't let that show.
My mom stayed married to him for years and allowed herself to be verbally and emotionally abused. Then he had an affair for 3-4 years and it may still be going on. She kicked him out, took him back several times and is now finally divorcing him for real.
She called me earlier today in a very pumped-up mood. Explaining stuff to me that I feel like I've already known for a very long time. Trying to "correct" me about certain things. I found it slightly insulting. But I didn't let that show.
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There are some mental illnesses that look a lot like alcoholism but are biologically based. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of them.
That being said, it sounds like your mom found peace with her decision finally, and is walking on sunshine about it (reality will set in later, most likely). I'm guessing her correcting you was part of her own processing, and had very little to do with you.
Here's hoping this change makes life easier for you, and not more complicated.
That being said, it sounds like your mom found peace with her decision finally, and is walking on sunshine about it (reality will set in later, most likely). I'm guessing her correcting you was part of her own processing, and had very little to do with you.
Here's hoping this change makes life easier for you, and not more complicated.
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He started claiming he was a sex addict, who knows if this is true or not (frankly I'm at the point where I don't care), so my mom went to one meeting of something like al-anon, but for partners of sex addicts, and she was telling me this, not sure why. But she said she went to this meeting and felt that she didn't fit in well there because she's "ahead of" the other women there, because they are all still trying to make their marriages work while my mom wants to get out of hers.
I have a boyfriend who is a recovering alcoholic, very new to recovery. Doing quite well right now, and not of the narcissistic personality type at all. Anyway, that's another story for another thread, but my mom read this book called Boundaries, I can't remember the authors. She's all hyped-up about this book (which is fine), but then she starts trying to "teach" me about boundaries and telling me what some of mine should be! Preaching to the choir.
And my dad texts me asking me for my mailing address; I don't know whether I should give it to him or not. He probably wants to send me something for Christmas, but maybe he would pull some weird stalker type behavior too. I don't know what to do!
I have a boyfriend who is a recovering alcoholic, very new to recovery. Doing quite well right now, and not of the narcissistic personality type at all. Anyway, that's another story for another thread, but my mom read this book called Boundaries, I can't remember the authors. She's all hyped-up about this book (which is fine), but then she starts trying to "teach" me about boundaries and telling me what some of mine should be! Preaching to the choir.
And my dad texts me asking me for my mailing address; I don't know whether I should give it to him or not. He probably wants to send me something for Christmas, but maybe he would pull some weird stalker type behavior too. I don't know what to do!
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Choublak- My mom read that book, too and it really helped her understand her own boundaries, but did nothing to help her recognize when she's stepping over other people's boundaries, which happens with alarming frequency. Sound familiar?
We had a bit of a breakthrough after she told me that *I* was just a terribly aggressive person when I reacted (for the first time ever after years of letting her quietly know I was uncomfortable) to her making a spectacle of me in public. She did this while citing this book, Boundaries. I gave her several examples of times (within the past few hours) where I'd given her clear signals that she was making me uncomfortable and ignoring my wishes. The example that seemed to finally get through was that she kept putting cheese on my food while I was saying "That's enough, thank you." She kept saying "Oh no, you need more. It's just so good." Over and over again while laughing. I cried when I said "It isn't about cheese, it's about the fact that you completely ignore what I tell you I want, what makes me comfortable. It's like you just don't care at all how I feel at all about anything then you tell me I'm just mean and hateful when I try to tell you what I need" I mean, it's my own food for crying out loud. Don't I get any choice in the matter? That helped at least for a time, but she still frequently just ignores the boundaries I try to establish with her - she's a great person in many ways, but maybe I need to read the book myself.
We had a bit of a breakthrough after she told me that *I* was just a terribly aggressive person when I reacted (for the first time ever after years of letting her quietly know I was uncomfortable) to her making a spectacle of me in public. She did this while citing this book, Boundaries. I gave her several examples of times (within the past few hours) where I'd given her clear signals that she was making me uncomfortable and ignoring my wishes. The example that seemed to finally get through was that she kept putting cheese on my food while I was saying "That's enough, thank you." She kept saying "Oh no, you need more. It's just so good." Over and over again while laughing. I cried when I said "It isn't about cheese, it's about the fact that you completely ignore what I tell you I want, what makes me comfortable. It's like you just don't care at all how I feel at all about anything then you tell me I'm just mean and hateful when I try to tell you what I need" I mean, it's my own food for crying out loud. Don't I get any choice in the matter? That helped at least for a time, but she still frequently just ignores the boundaries I try to establish with her - she's a great person in many ways, but maybe I need to read the book myself.
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There are many people out there (some of whom I'm related to) who have no problems in seeing their own boundaries, but seem incapable of seeing someone else's boundaries.
Coublak and Hanna - next time there's a boundary override by the offending parental unit, I suggest you try the following statement: "I just told you my boundary. I [do not want more cheese..or whatever]. I would greatly appreciate it if you would honor my boundary in the same way that you ask others to honor yours."
I find that if the guilty party understands boundaries, I sometimes have to point out to them that I just set one with them. They may only be able to see their own boundaries, in which case I need to help them see mine. It doesn't have to be rude or vicious - I try to keep the tone light, as if I was pointing out that their shoe was untied or they had lettuce between their teeth.
Coublak and Hanna - next time there's a boundary override by the offending parental unit, I suggest you try the following statement: "I just told you my boundary. I [do not want more cheese..or whatever]. I would greatly appreciate it if you would honor my boundary in the same way that you ask others to honor yours."
I find that if the guilty party understands boundaries, I sometimes have to point out to them that I just set one with them. They may only be able to see their own boundaries, in which case I need to help them see mine. It doesn't have to be rude or vicious - I try to keep the tone light, as if I was pointing out that their shoe was untied or they had lettuce between their teeth.
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