story74

My addict abandoned us. Defaulted on the divorce. Cheated. Lied.e says he is sober. He has seen his son 5 times since may. FINALLY for the past month I have gone no contact. It has been bliss. BUT Friday I lost it n him, and it opened up a can of worms. I ended up just apologizing to him for loosing it on him, and tried to just go back to being professional. BUT he started to tell me my son would resent me, I am the one who filed for divorce (I begged him back...he wouldn't respond or talk to me) and then when he asked for help I didn't help him. All of this baffles me. I told him that we love him and if he was willing to give up everything we would be here for him...he responded hours later telling me to stop insulting him and he knows how I feel. It is like he shows no empathy, compassion or sympathy for what he has put me and my son thru, buut I am suppose to coddle and pet him? He never shows me respect. He doesn't respect any boundries I have set. He thinks I am this evil woman who is keeping his son away from him. Meanwhile, he has messed up / cancelled the last 3 weeks seeing his son...but this is my fault???? I feel like talking to him is wasting my time and energy. Oh yea, and he swears he is clean. Lol! The hardest part is that I love him. I know he is hurting. I would love to hug him, but he needs to grow up. Why can't he meet me face to face and just apologize? Why can't he try to rebuild trust? I feel like in a weird way he is reaching out for me, but smacks me down when I reach back. He is so confusing. He makes no sense. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! Why can't he just leave us alone???? He makes no sense.

Take 2 on no contact. He just isn't worth talking to. He doesn't hear. Its all about him.

Happy Holidays!

Thanks for listening. This site has saved me!

suki44883

I feel like talking to him is wasting my time and energy.

It is. You are trying to get rational actions out of an irrational person. Going no contact...NO.CONTACT is the best thing you can do. It doesn't matter if he is clean or not. It doesn't matter what he says or what he believes. You are doing what you need to do for yourself and your son and that is all that matters.

outtolunch

Sounds like he is doing what self-absorbed, manipulative people do regardless if they are using or not.

I think you and your child deserve more than he can offer.

dollydo

You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. All addicts are unreasonable.

If you spend the rest of your life trying to understand the addicts mind, the whys and wherefors, you will end up in the looney bin and he will be roaming around deflecting, manipulating and ruining others lives...why? Cause that's what addicts do.

Let him go, move on, IMHO it is the only answer.

phillyds

My ex ABF is the same. Two weeks ago I found out that he was cheating. I was desperate in the beginning. I cried so much and he was cold and distant. He got in touch with a friend to rent a room because he could not take it if I threw it in his face for the next few years like I did the last time he cheated. He spent the whole day treating me like I was crazy and even saying he didn't care he had his own problems. The next day when he had to go to work I told him not to come back. Then he wanted to talk, admit everything and "work it out". When I said no he told me to remember that I didn't want to work it out. He conveniently forgot that the day before he said it was over. I know how you feel.

I have no advice because it has only been two weeks. I have gone no contact. He called during the 2 days he was out there getting high (I know the payphone number) but I didn't answer. Answering just leads to more pain and I can't handle it. I used to jump at calls, wait for calls, take the blame just to have him back no matter what he stole, what he said, how much he lied and how much he got high. I used to think I had to get STRONG enough to leave him. It is weird how it was actually strength that helped me tolerate it and now the weakness is keeping me away. I am hardly functioning at work or anywhere else. I won't answer because I just can't take it and maybe the weakness is the only thing that will save me.

LifeRecovery

No contact means there are no new hurts to be had.

That was my experience at least.

laurie6781

You cannot reason with a person living in a "False Reality."

My family and friends tried with me for years and I thought THEY WERE CRAZY. It was only after I found recovery for myself and had been sober for a bit that I was able to start to see the INSANITY of the way I lived, acted, and thought.

No Contact, as said above, is the way to go, and it saves you further hurt.

Love and hugs,

lesliej

after the crazy making maddening situation I had today I can totally relate.

it seems to me that there are a few things going on (at the very least!) well, for one, the addict brain has not been clean long enough to get into balance...let alone start to gain perspective on the affect that the addiction has had in the life surrounding them.

for two, I really believe that there is an effort to bring other people down, to try to make someone else feel bad about themselves, as in misery loves company, and if we all feel a little bit worse about ourselves then their feeling bad isn't quite as bad as when they are solo.

for three...by slinging mud, negativity, and blame at other people there is a deflection of blame and shame that the addict has to carry for their own wreckage.
when my ex was in "recovery" it was all about how great and supportive I had been and how my al anon program worked wonders...now, that I have made him leave after dozens of relapses I am an unbearable negative person who needs to do an inventory and own my s$#t and face my own bad example of being.

funny thing is that when I ask for examples there aren't really any...
the button pushing is hugely...as in master...manipulative.

when I am in no contact I end up missing him a little, but then when he comes around all the chaos and name calling and anger and hurt rise up...and then I end up making some crazed effort to protect my emotional/mental/spiritual boundaries...

yikes
go away!

devastated

I'm so sorry you have to experience the actions of an addict.

Even if he did apologize for things he has said and done, those words are meaningless. An addict cannot feel anything for anyone. Their only concern is their drugs and how to get them.

Distance and no contact is a blessing because it gives you time to take care of you and your child.

Prayers and hugs

Devastated

verylost

I don't know the answer. I wish I did...but honestly I don't think they can b/c they are so self absorbed they can't even see they are doing anything wrong. I do know going with no contact is the best idea if you can. Good luck with no contact!