nicam

I want my life back. I loved this person that was so bad for me and it's made me so sick. It's taken away all of the pleasure I used to feel. All of the laughter, the enjoyment, the serenity. It's taken my friends, my passions, interests and intellectual pursuits in its wake. It consumes me.

I feel weak, and have never maintained NC. I let him back in again and again. He does the same thing every time. Idealizes me and promises the world, takes everything I have to give, then abuses, devalues, disrespects, defiles, cheats, lies, manipulates and discards me when the promise of something "better" comes along.

I must be a masochist. I take him back when the grass isn't greener. When whatever girl he's chasing/idealized turns him away. When he inevitably loses his latest job and runs out of money. When he has nothing else. That's when he slithers back and spins me a fantasy narrative, and I rescue him. Each time I financially support him until he finds a job. I clean up the messes he's made while he was away chasing skirts and egotistical fantasies. Drinking every night, going on coke binges. I carry him until he gets on his feet, and as soon as he does he kicks me to the curb and runs away, usually with a new girl. This is always my fault. I am "crazy." I don't have the right job. I am toxic, not good enough for him. Something I did in response to his ambient abuse made him treat me this way. I must deserve it, I am the crazy one. HE rejects ME as a person! Until he needs me to meet his needs again, then the cycle starts all over.

I remember who I was before I met him, and how it FELT to be me. I know I have to find that person again. She's in there buried under all of the scar tissue, but I just feel so STUCK in the phases of grief! It's like being paralyzed. My self esteem has tanked and I beat myself up for letting him back into my life so many times, and I have become isolated.

Sorry if this is a bit of a rant/vent. Just been having a really tough time with it lately and really want to start living again but can't fully seem to get out of the fog...

Thank you all for being here!

Willybluedog

Nicam, you are welcome to rant anytime you want, I will be glad to listen.

I am working with my therapist right now on building my self esteem, working on years of physical and verbal abuse by my parents and ex-wife.

She has given me exercises which include replacing negative thoughts with positive statements and repeating these positive statements 7 tmes a day for 21 days.

They include things like:

Replace I am a bad person with I am a good person

Replace I derseve to be treated like dirt with I deserve to be happy

Replace I am stupid with I am intellegent

Replace I don't deserve to be loved with I deserve love

It seems woefully simple to me but I have just started this so I cannot tell you if it will be successful or not but I am going to do my best to banish these bad thoughts.

Counseling and anti-depressants have been a godsend for me, they helped me find my way out of the dark.

I hope you can find your way out of the dark also, please keep trying, if you need to talk please let me know, I will also be there if you need some propping up or the always popular vurtual bear hug.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

LifeRecovery

I started getting better when I began to believe actions instead of words. I know that is easier said then done.

Learning about the cycle of grief helped me a lot too. No my loved one did not die, but he was wrapped up in his disease, and he had lost himself. More importantly I had lost myself. Learning about the stages etc helped me to normalize my feelings.

Al-anon helped, as did counseling. I had a deal with my counselor that if she thought I needed anti-depressents I would start on them....no questions asked.

dollydo

Ok, so what exactly do you want for yourself...for your life?

Clearly this guy is not providing you with anything except heartache and you keep going back for more. Who has the problem? You or him? Based on what I have read your issues are even more complicated than his. He clearly knows that you will take him back...no matter what.

If you are not in therapy I would suggest you consider doing so, this is a cycle that you are either unable or unwilling to break...and..there is a reason for this continued behavior that is not healthy for you, your mental well-being.

Only you can change this cycle, the ball is in your court.

suki44883

You can have your life back anytime you want. No, it isn't easy, but it is very simple. Simply refuse to allow yourself to entertain the idea that he is anything but an abusive addict who uses people and then throws them away like they were trash. You are not trash and you deserve a relationship with someone who can return the respect and affection that you give. This guy ain't worth your tears.

jOSE2

I too echo Willybluedog- Get those strong affirmations going,and tell yourself positive things about yourself.

I have to, day by day, that all I was hearing was lies and manipulations from someone who actually hated himself and projected his self hatred onto me ,I just picked it up that's all.I actually started to believe that's how I really was, but in actual fact when I got out of the fog of addictive behaviours of an XAH ,started to go to Al-anon,reading all I could on A'sm,did lots of writing (got lots of note pads)writing too got me some prospective on the dilema of an addictive relationship.And in the end,it's all to do with Al'sm,It beat the living day lights out of me.
I was told by a wise woman in Al-anon,just keep it simple.( I have a tendancy to over think stuff.)could I have done something better to improve this relationship,cooked better,etc the list was endless.

I am getting myself back,bit by bit and I have to work at it,some days are really hard,though when I look back at where I was 4 years ago,to what and where I am today,I am and have a much more improved sense of self.Not perfect,just much better.

Thanks for letting me share

Sending you all wishes and my ES&H

Frankie12

nicam,

Your post very clearly conveys the pain, suffering and grief that this man has caused in your life. You really, really need to kick this man to the curb and move on with your own life, you deserve better than this.

I fully agree with dollydo, who suggested therapy. Only you can turn this around, with the help of a good therapist who can help you examine your own needs in this relationship.

I so hope you find the courage and strength to put an end to this relationship, the sooner the better.

nicam

I'm so going to do this! Was going to therapy but with the holidays and debt my ex got me into I had to put it on hold for a couple of months. Anti-depressants might be in order too. It's like, I know what the problem is, I know why I let this happen and the effect it's had, and I know what the solution is, but still can't get out of this funk.

"I started getting better when I began to believe actions instead of words. I know that is easier said then done." - LifeRecovery

Yes, this is it! His words were exactly what I wanted to hear and believe each time. His actions conveyed the exact OPPOSITE of his words, however.