30Sober

So here I am again... expecting another day 1 tomorrow.

I was doing so well, not drinking, making progress, I even got promoted at work a few weeks ago because I was able to perform at the level I can do when I am sober.

I am ashamed that I allowed myself to fall off the wagon again. The worst thing is that I planned to fall off the wagon. I was on vacation and planned to drink. How stupid is that? Feeling great and planning to feel awful?

Cunning... baffling... powerful.

I know I have the tools to beat this but why do I allow myself to get mislead? Am I doomed to repeat this cycle ad nauseum?

SomethingBetter

Sometimes I hear my alcoholic voice so loudly, if I let ‘it’ take control I’d be right back there myself.

It really is a chore to stay the boss of your AV but that’s what you have to do or eventually ‘It’ will take the wheel and ‘you’ will end up back in the ditch.

langkah

You've done that for more than a year now. One of your other times here you mentioned that doing a few meetings might be difficult for you, but doable.

Who can say how many more years you'll spin around before doable changes to do? Some spin for their entire lifetimes. How long you're doomed to repeat this cycle is up to you to determine.

How long do you want to doom yourself?

Gerbosko

Don't call yourself stupid or say "how stupid was that" .

When you plan to drink, you're going to drink - It's part of the voice of an alcoholic. When you caved into the craving and agreed with it, that's where you got yourself into trouble.

What went RIGHT in your recovery?

What went WRONG in your recovery?

When you find the wrongs, correct them with rights. Not every wrong can be corrected into a right, but at least try your hardest to find something you can fix the wrong with.

It's basically taking a negative and turning it into a positive .

CamilleBelle

It really does feel like an endless cycle. Please just remember you are not alone with this struggle. For me its frustrating because I KNOW what to do, and it doesnt get done... I had a rough night last night, and will be on day one tomorrow... I mention that cause I think youre In the same boat, but I could be wrong. Just please know you are not alone!! There are soo many of us struggling... I want to be a success story... Lets do it

wpainterw

30 Sober:
Sometimes it's said that a relapse starts before you pick up that first drink. You say that you realized that you planned to drink. That happened to me many times because I often used my wife as a way to control my drinking and when she went on a trip that would give me a window of opportunity, so days before she left I would be thinking about picking up and when she left that's exactly what happened. So, even months after I got into sobriety, whenever she left town I would start to feel high or drunk even though I hadn't anything to drink. What was happening was that my body, conditioned to drink when she was away, was automatically anticipating the alcohol. Scary? You bet it's scary! The only way to deal with it is to sense the anticipation and understand why you are getting that message, spot it as the red flag it is and do something about it. The way I dealt with it was to go to an AA meeting and talk about what was happening. That really helped.

W

lostnalone

Relapse is part of recovery.

I've been in your situation many many times and yes it sucks.

All you can do is find the power to pick your self up and try again.

Dont get down on yourself,

Try again, your worth it.

doggonecarl

I sense this is a commonly held belief. Maybe too much so. I think that such a mindset is a free pass to drink again.

Yes, relapse happens. For some it happens a lot. But it isn't part of recovery...it's part of addiction.

All we can do is learn from our mistake.

Gerbosko

I'm going to have to fully agree with doggonecarl, 100%. If relapse was part of recovery, then there is no recovery. How can you recover if you tell yourself relapsing is perfectly normal?

murrill

Shame is pretty powerful and self-defeating. I took on so much of it that I began to think that I was not worth recovery, but fortunately I let some people talk me out of that mindset. I drank because I was depressed--isn't that normal?--or because I felt great--which isn't problem-drinking, is it? It didn't matter: Emotional ups and downs were pretty vulnerable places for me. Once I became aware of that I could take some steps to circumvent the drink. I never actually craved a drink, but there were moments when I wanted one. I learned to think it through: Don't stop at the idea of how it might taste or how good it will feel (which a lie anyway). I would remember the DWI charges or waking up and not knowing where I was. Or maybe I had vomited on the floor or lost my panties. You can interrupt a drink. You at least had the insight to know that you were planning to drink. Make yourself a toolbox: Gather phone numbers of people who will support your sobriety. Make plans to go to a non-drinking event. Move a muscle, change a thought.

shakeel

I been where You are now so many times that I got to a point where I gave up on AA, God and evrything else. Decided to just drink cause nothing worked and that I just break promises I make to myself when I try to quit and it makes me feel awful. However, the drinking itself became again unbearable where it gotten me to the point of suicidal thoughts. So I was stuck, between a rock and a hard place AGAIN, and AGAIN I've decided to call it quit and AGAIN I reached out to AA and it's members for help, cause they seemd to be the only ones that would listen, not pass judgment and share with me how they did it. I got a sponsor for the first time after years of in and out of AA and took this whole AA thing seriously, I did relapse again, but having a sponsor and the fellowship made it easier for me this time around to bounce back. I only got 16 days sober this time around and I already feel for the first time that this might be IT.

1undone

You said it! It's strang that we would crave a substance that A. Is poison B. makes us do stupid things C. Ruins our relationships.... Shall I go on?

Yet here I sit tonight too dreaming of the freedom to go out get some wine and drink in front of my Christmas tree. . Every year that's what we did so I feel the strangeness that something is missing-wine.

I probably would drink if I were to take a vacation now as well. It sucks. I hope you aren't too hard on yourself.

keithj

30Sober,

The recovered alcoholics that made the "cunning, baffling, powerful" observation, also included an observation from a treatment doctor in AA's BB. The doctor's opinion, which he formed after seeing many thousands of alcoholics do the same thing you describe, is this: So, in the doctor's experience, yes, the chronic alcoholic is doomed to repeat this cycle ad naseum, unless of course, he could experience an entire psychic change.

I didn't have the tools I needed until I actually took the 12 Steps and experienced that psychic change. Reading about the tools wasn't sufficient. I actually had to do the suggested actions.

30Sober

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. I'm on day 2 now, day 3 tomorrow. Right now I'm just working on getting over the worst of withdrawl. It's amazing how only 2 weeks back on the bottle can take one right back to hell.

Hevyn

Hi 30Sober. Glad you are doing better & sounding calmer. Just think - withdrawal never has to happen to you again.

I was sober for 3 yrs. once & when I started up again I did a tailspin very quickly. Bad things happened that hadn't before - like dui's. Also, I couldn't get myself back on track the way I was able to in the past. It became very dangerous for me to play with it. I understand you wanting to drink on vaca, and 1undone wanting to sit near the tree with a drink - but it simply is not worth it anymore. Drinking won't take us where it used to. The fun it once was is gone, & not coming back. I wish it hadn't taken me years of my life to learn that.

You don't have to be the fool that I was - you are aware of what needs to be done, and I believe you will do it.

2ndchance2011

oh my gosh that is SO true!!!

Start where you stand, you got some great feedback here--keep it up!!

ovrock

Try two days.

Zebra1275

It's amazing how only 2 weeks back on the bottle can take one right back to hell.

It is progressive!

And the older you get, the harder it hits. There really is no upside.

Anna

I am glad that you're doing well now!